Darling wasn't sure if he should be angry, flattered, or disturbed by that news. While he never wanted them to deprive themselves for anything, even him, a part of him was thrilled that they cared that much. It was selfish--probably wrong--but his heart swelled with the love he had for the two of them. They were his life.
He felt Syn move away from the bed. "Do you want me to let everyone in or keep them out?"
"Can you send in Ryn, Zarya, and Maris first?" He needed to speak with them away from the rest of the group.
"Sure." Syn's steps drifted away.
"Hey, Syn?" Darling called, hoping he caught him before he left the room.
"Yeah?"
Darling hesitated. He owed the Ritadarion a debt that couldn't be repaid. Over the years, Syn had patched him up and pieced him back together more times than he could count. And while Syn never said the words, he knew that Syn couldn't stand to see someone he cared about suffer. It was a "weakness" Syn's father had ruthlessly used against him when he'd been a kid. It was why Syn had become a doctor. Having seen his own sister die, he'd wanted to have the ability to heal anyone he loved.
To keep them safe.
And Darling knew what it did to Syn every time he died on the table and Syn had to go through the fear of his not waking up. The fact that Syn would continue to put himself through that so that Darling could keep his genetics a secret...
That was true friendship.
"Thank you. For everything."
Syn snorted at him. "You might want to save that gratitude until we see how much it helped."
"Even if I'm still a freak, I appreciate it. Most of all, thank you for being my friend."
Syn let out a low whistle. "Damn, I better double check the meds I have you on."
Darling laughed, then grimaced as pain lanced through him again. Closing his eyes, he tried not to think about his face remaining the same as before.
I won't be able to take it.
But the saddest part was that he knew he would. Somehow he'd find the strength to endure it, even if it killed him. After all, it wouldn't be nearly as hard as having to face the other aristos after Nylan and Arturo went viral with his video.
Anything was easier than that.
Besides, he should look on the bright side. At least no one wants to screw me when I'm scarred.
No one except Zarya.
Her name had barely flashed through his mind before he smelled the sweet warmth of her perfume. She took his hand again.
"Syn said you could speak?"
He cleared his throat, which was still incredibly sore. "Are Maris and Ryn with you?"
"We're here." They were on the other side of his bed.
Darling rubbed her hand, and braced himself for her reaction. "Ryn? Would you mind taking both of them home for me?"
"No!" Zarya snapped.
Maris's tone was even sharper. "We're not leaving."
He ignored their protests. "If they won't go on their own, have Nyk stun them."
Maris cursed him in Phrixian while Zarya sputtered in indignation.
Darling held his hand up to silence them.
Zarya made a sound that he'd only heard her make toward her sister whenever Sorche really angered her. "Oh don't even think that imperial gesture works on me, boy."
He smiled at Zarya's rage. "I'm too weak to argue with the two of you. Z, please. Have mercy on me and go rest. In case this doesn't work, I want to have time to come to terms with it on my own before you see me, okay? I just... I want to face it without an audience. And Mari, you're the only one I trust to keep her safe for me. Please. I'm begging you both to go home and get some sleep. For me."
Zarya wanted to argue, but the pain in his voice kept her from it. Darling was being honest with them and while she was worried sick about him, the last thing she wanted was to add to his stress. Not to mention, she had a baby to think about now.
Torn between caring for their baby and staying with Darling, she met Maris's gaze.
He hesitated before he nodded.
"All right," she relented. "We'll go. But you better not get worse after we leave. I meant it. I will skin you alive if anything happens to you."
"And I will hand her the knife to do it," Maris added.
Ryn crossed his arms over his chest. "I'll hold him down for you both."
"Thanks for the support," Darling said drily. "Your warm, loving words mean so much to me."
Ryn laughed. "Anytime, little brother. My pleasure."
Darling frowned at the term Ryn hadn't used for him since before the fight that had left him scarred. It was weird to hear Ryn call him that after all this time.
But even more unexpected was his next words. "Mari? Zarya, would you mind letting me have a word with Darling alone?"
"Sure." Zarya kissed the palm of his hand before she left.
Maris touched his shoulder, then followed after her.
As soon as they were gone, Ryn moved to stand beside his bed. Though he didn't touch him, Darling could feel his body heat.
Darling braced himself for whatever bad news Ryn was about to dump on him. "Is something wrong with the empire?"
"Other than the fact that the gerents and Resistance are trying to remove you from power?"
Darling let out a short, bitter laugh. "I'd only be surprised if they weren't. Arturo made sure long ago that they'd never respect me as their governor." The bastard had gone out of his way to guarantee that should, by some miracle, Darling reign, it would be as hard on him as possible. But that wasn't what concerned him. "How are you coping with it all? I can have Nyk step in if you're tired of the crap."
"He's not Caronese."
"Neither are you. At least that's what you've always told me."
Ryn shifted his weight to his other leg as his throat drew tight over those words and the regret they gave him. There was no anger in Darling's voice. Only a calm acceptance that cut him all the way to his blackened soul. He'd much rather deal with Darling's anger that set fire to his own and made him feel vindicated.
This...
It ignited his guilt and that hurt most of all. Of all the people in his world, Darling was one of the last he'd ever intentionally hurt. There was a time when Darling had looked up at him and respected him.
A time when Ryn had respected himself.
But that was a long time ago and the one thing his harsh life had taught him was when it was too late to try. All he had now was a desire to be the brother Darling once thought he was.
He stared at the bandages that kept him from reading Darling's features. That, too, reminded him of the worst night of his life.
If I could have only one thing...
It would be to have his little brother whole again.
Licking his suddenly dry lips, Ryn spoke from the deepest part of the heart he never gave to anyone. Ever. "You have no idea how many times in my life I've wished that I'd been the brother to you that you've always been to Lise and Drake. I know sorry doesn't even begin to cover it. But I am so sorry for what I said and did."
"You've nothing to apologize for." The sincerity in Darling's voice didn't help his guilt at all. "I went for your throat and you went for mine. I started it and you finished it. That's what we were taught to do."
"Not against family. Dad taught us to protect each other. I should have never lost sight of that. Not even in my anger."
"My mother was merciless to you, Ryn. Arturo even more so. I don't blame you for not wanting to step back into that shit after you'd gotten away from it. For years, I hated you for abandoning us, but I get it now. You were just a kid, too. I was wrong to even ask you to take on Arturo. He'd have crushed you."
Yeah, right. That bastard wouldn't have stood a chance against him. And that wasn't the reason why he'd declined.
That was something he'd never share with anyone. Not even his brother.
"I doubt that, Dar. But since I didn't try, we'll never know. I was selfish to deny you, and it was wrong. Like the rest of the
family, I abandoned you when you needed me most." He stepped closer to the bed. "But I swear to you that I won't ever do it again."
"Ryn--"
"Darling, it's okay," he said, interrupting him. "And before you say anything more out of guilt or remorse or whatever else you might feel... I... I apologize with full knowledge that you're the one who turned me in to the League."
Darling froze for several seconds as those words echoed in his ears. All these years, he'd felt so bad about having done that to Ryn. It'd been so wrong. So cold.
He'd always hated himself for it, and that one act had taught him well about striking out in anger. Especially against those he loved. Ryn had lost three years of his life for that.
What he'd done to Ryn had been every bit as bad, if not worse, than what Ryn had done to him.
"When did you find out?" he asked.
"While I was in prison. It's why I didn't speak to you for a couple of years after my release. I was afraid I'd kill you if I did. But like you said, I started it. You finished it. In time, I forgave you for it."
How? Darling wasn't sure he'd ever be able to forgive Ryn had Ryn sent him to jail. "What I did to you was far worse than what you did to me."
"No, it wasn't, little brother. I was a trained assassin in a League prison. While it definitely wasn't fun and I've no wish to repeat the experience, I wasn't defenseless. Besides, I respect the venom. It was a brilliant payback, and I'd much rather you had done that than sicced Nykyrian on me. While I survived prison, I wouldn't have survived his blade."
"Still--"
"No, Darling. You spent a lot longer in your prison than I did in mine, and you had no way to fight back. While I had a fairly happy childhood, yours was cut in half and made absolutely miserable. I abandoned you to a hell no one should have endured. You have more than earned your place as governor, and I wanted you to know that I intend to do everything I can to back you. You need soldiers, assassins, whatever, I will bust hell's gates wide open to get them for you. On my life, I mean it. I won't let you down this time." Ryn cleared his throat before he spoke again. "Is there anything you need me to do right now?"
Darling swallowed as emotions surged through him. He'd missed those days when he'd been a kid and had looked up at Ryn like Ryn had all the answers to the universe. Like his big brother was some mythic hero, capable of any feat. While he'd never feel that way again, this, in some ways, was better. For the first time since their fight, he felt like he had a brother he could depend on. "Please get them home, and don't kill Drake."
"I can't promise the latter, but I will make sure both Maris and Zarya get some rest."
"Thanks, shilo."
Ryn squeezed him on the arm. "Get better fast. I won't keep your empire straight for Drake."
Darling had no doubt about that. The two of them had never gotten along. They were way too much alike. And he'd spent his entire life attempting to make peace between them.
Closing his eyes, he savored the silence even though he missed Zarya in a way that was inhuman. She was his breath.
His heart.
His...
He opened his eyes, but it was too late. The Trisani in him that was so unpredictable had already seen a glimpse of the future. A future that terrified him.
It wasn't his death he'd seen.
It was Zarya's. And unlike Nero, he didn't see multiple outcomes.
He only saw the one and that meant it would happen without fail...
17
Alone in Zarya's dark room, Darling frowned at her empty bed. As soon as Syn had given him medical clearance to leave the hospital and he'd finally come to terms with the surgery's results and accepted them as best he could, he'd headed straight home to find her.
But she wasn't here.
Sad disappointment overwhelmed him. Her room looked as if no one had been in it at all. And that left him feeling as empty as her bed. Absolutely desolate. It was like a part of him was gone, too. And the hole it left inside him ran all the way to his soul.
Where is she?
Sadness turned to panic as he realized that there was no sign of her clothes or anything else to suggest that she'd returned home after she left him in the hospital. A bad feeling rushed through him as he remembered his premonition of Zarya being killed.
Could they have been attacked?
Was Maris missing, too?
Visions of Annalise's brutal assault went through his mind. Only the image of his sister lying on the ground, soaked in her own blood, turned to one of Maris and Zarya. He struggled to breathe through the pain of it.
Why hadn't he thought to check on them?
You stupid, self-absorbed bastard... He should never have allowed them to leave without him. He should have kept them by his side so that he would know they were safe.
Damn you, Ryn. If he'd allowed them to get hurt...
I'll kill you this time. I swear it!
Calm down, Dar. Don't jump to conclusions.
After all, it was the middle of the night here. Yes, her room was empty, but maybe it was nothing bad.
Maybe, she was...
His searching gaze went to the door that connected their rooms. Could she be in his bed, instead? It seemed like a long shot, and yet...
His heart hammering, he crossed the room and pushed the door open. Gripping the knob for support, he stood absolutely still as a slow smile curled his lips. Relief hit him so hard that he thought for a minute his knees might give out.
Lying curled in the center of his giant bed, Zarya looked tiny in comparison. Her long dark hair fanned out across his pillows while her faint snore warmed him.
See, dumbass. She's fine.
Best of all, she was still here.
He glanced around his room, taking in all of the extremely feminine personal items she'd invaded his masculine domain with over the last few weeks. It'd started out small... a pink hairbrush on his dresser and flowered toothbrush in his bathroom, followed by a few elastic headbands she used at night to pull her hair back whenever she washed her face or read to him. Then the small collection of flavored glitter lip balms that lay on a tray beside his bed. Her scented lotions and his favorite perfume that she wore for no other reason than to make him crazy with lust. Even some of her shoes were strewn near his bed.
And she'd draped one of her sheer nightgowns and a frilly pink robe over his navy settee. An image of her wearing the gown electrified every hormone in his body.
That thought pushed his relief away as desire burned through him. He closed the door and slowly crossed the room to his bed, undressing himself as he walked.
Zarya sighed contentedly at the sensation of a warm, naked male body pressing up against hers. Mmm, she'd always loved the way Darling felt whenever he snuggled behind her at night.
Until she remembered the fact that Darling wasn't home. He was still at the hospital.
Who was in her bed?
Her eyes flew open as fear and anger mixed inside her. With a warning hiss, she started to turn over only to have that lean, ripped body tighten around hers, pinning her to the mattress.
"Sh, misa, it's me," Darling breathed in her ear, using the Caronese word that meant "my most precious one." Her throat tightened. The surgeries had done nothing to change his damaged throat at all. In a way, she missed the refined, melodic cadence of the voice she'd fallen in love with. But she was getting used to his gruffer tone. The only drawback was that it often caused him to sound angry even when he wasn't.
She covered his hand with hers. "I'm going to beat you if you don't stop sneaking in on me like that." His warm, masculine scent should have told her instantly who it was, but still...
"I'm sorry." He nuzzled his face against her hair. "I didn't want to wake you at all." She might believe him if he wasn't teasing her nipple with his thumb through the black shirt she wore, and if a certain extremely hard part of his body wasn't resting against her hip.
She reached for the lamp, but he stopped her.
"I want t
o hold you like I used to. Before there was any kind of hurt between us. When it was just you and me in the dark. No past. No pain. Just two people who were madly in love with each other."
"I'm still madly in love with you."
He didn't respond to her words. Instead, he nibbled her earlobe while he unbuttoned her shirt and spread it open so that he could cup her breast in his warm palm. "So why are you sleeping in my bed and not yours?"
Closing her eyes, she savored the way he felt holding her. "The same reason I'm wearing your shirt. I missed you too much to sleep in my room. In here, I can feel your presence and pretend that you're with me and not far away." She buried her face against his pillows. "I can smell you, too."
And she'd wrapped herself up in his shirt to feel as close to him as she could without his being home. While it wasn't the same as being held by him, it'd been a close substitution, and one that had allowed her to finally go to sleep. Honestly, it scared her just how much he meant to her. How much it hurt when he wasn't here.
For hours after her return, she'd wandered around the palace like a grieving spirit. Aching. Lonely. Terrified of what would happen to her if he didn't return. She couldn't imagine a life without him in it. She couldn't. The mere thought of losing him was enough to make her hysterical.
How could any man wreak such havoc with her sanity?
He trailed his hand over her hip and stomach until he found the most private part of her body. Zarya sucked her breath in sharply while his fingers delved deep inside her. He nuzzled his face against her shoulder, scraping her skin with his whiskers as he removed his shirt from her body. She'd grown so used to his beard that it was strange to feel his skin on hers again.
"Can I see you?"
"Not yet," he said gruffly. "I'm not ready. I'd rather make love to you like we used to."
In the dark where she couldn't see him at all.
Her heart sank. Poor Darling. The surgery must not have worked. Tears gathered in her eyes as she ached for him. "I don't care what you look like."
"I know." He rolled her over onto her back, then he took her breast into his mouth. Her stomach fluttered with every stroke of his tongue. Gods, how did he manage to do that? She reached to cup his face, but he caught her hands in his, then lifted them over her head so that she couldn't touch him.