What if her child hated the name she gave it as much as Darling hated his?
And with that fearful thought, she remembered what Darling had told her about Nero. "Are you really the one who named him Darling?"
He gave her a sheepish grin. "His mother technically, but I was the one who suggested it."
"Why?"
"In Trisani, Darling's the name of our north star. It's what we use to guide us home and to find our way through the dark. When I suggested it, I wasn't thinking about the Universal definition. As I said, I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. But I don't count that as one of them. Darling, however, does."
Yes, he did.
Still, Darling didn't have to go by it. "Out of all the names they gave him, why did his parents choose that one to call him by?"
"When he was a child, everyone used it as an endearment for him to the point that we thought nothing about it. It wasn't until he was a teen that it became a source of ridicule. That is what I feel guilty about. I never intended him to be mocked for it. But it, like the rest of his past, is what has made him the empathetic ruler Caron needs."
Darling certainly was that, but it made her wonder..."You said you can see multiple outcomes for people?"
He nodded.
She hesitated before she asked a question she probably shouldn't. But it was one she had to know. "What would have happened to Darling had his father lived?"
Nero stared into space with a glassy look in his eyes before he answered. "He would never have been scarred. He'd have grown up very spoiled and happy."
"Selfish?"
"No," he said empathically. "That was never in him. But to address what you truly want to know, he wouldn't have the bitterness that he has now, and while he would have been sympathetic to his people, he wouldn't have the degree of understanding that he has."
His next words stung her. "He would have married young, in his late teens, and been very happy."
But Darling wouldn't have married her. A part of her wanted to know who his bride would have been. The other part didn't want her name for fear she'd hunt her down and punch her over something that hadn't happened in this lifetime.
Either way, there was one truth she couldn't deny. "He would have been much better off."
Nero screwed his face up. "Maybe... In some ways."
"In others?"
Nero released an elongated breath. "We're all victims of someone else's hatred, Zarya. And survivors of our own bad decisions. Had Darling not gone through what he has, he would never have been able to love you to the depth that he does. Plain and simple."
"But he no longer trusts me."
Nero laid a gentle hand on her shoulder. "For better or worse, our pasts and experiences are what define us. But they don't have to rule us. In time, all hurts can be forgiven. It's only when you add to them that they can't."
She paused at his unexpected wisdom. At first glance, Nero looked like any other live-by-the-crotch-of-his-pants Tavali rogue. And yet...
"There's a lot more to you than you show most people, isn't there?"
He shrugged nonchalantly. "That's true for most," he said with a wicked gleam in his eyes. "But I'm a lot older than I look. I've lived through things far worse than Darling has. You'd be amazed at how much forgiveness the heart is capable of."
"Love isn't what scares me," she admitted. "It's hatred I fear." She jerked her chin toward Darling. "And I've seen what it's capable of more times than I've seen people forgive. It's that cold viciousness that drives out all humanity that terrifies me. I don't want him to ever feel that for me again."
"Have faith in yourself, Zarya. And have faith in Darling."
Before she could comment, the door opened to admit Syn and Maris.
Zarya fell silent. While she didn't mind Maris knowing her fears, she wasn't as sure about Syn. Darling trusted him implicitly. But she didn't have his allegiance and she barely knew him.
Nero inclined his head to them. "I'm going to rest for a while. I'll be nearby if anything changes."
"Later." Syn moved to check Darling's readouts while Maris handed her a bottle of water.
"How are you holding up?" he asked her.
"I'll be better once he's awake."
Maris squeezed her hand before he went to stand in the far corner.
"So how did you meet Nero?" she asked Syn. "Through Darling?"
"Through prison," he said in a matter-of-fact tone like someone who was answering with, "at the market" or "at a friend's house..."
She froze at that unexpected answer. Was he serious?
"He's not joking," Maris said as if he, too, were Trisani.
Still, she was aghast that both of them were felons. "Do I want to know what you two were in for?"
Syn's eyes flashed with anger. "Being born. Both of us. You'd be amazed at how many people the League locks up for no reason whatsoever."
"Actually, I wouldn't. I've heard the stories."
"Yeah, well, I lived them. Believe me, it's much better having them told to you." Syn made a few adjustments, before he turned toward them. "I'm going to rest, too. I've got the alarms set. They should have a bed in here for you soon. If you need anything, buzz me."
Maris inclined his head to him. "Thanks, Syn."
After thanking him, too, Zarya went to the bed while Syn left them.
Once they were alone, Maris returned to stand beside her. "It's hard to see him like this, isn't it?"
She nodded. "How many times have you been with him in a hospital?"
"More than I care to remember. But the worst had to be when he was seventeen."
"Was that when he was knocked through the table?"
"No. Before. It was a while after his first confinement in a mental institution."
She scowled. "What happened to put him in a hospital?"
His expression grim, Maris took a sip of water before he answered. "His first attempt to kill himself. Like Lise, I found out about it from a news report right after I'd come in from a training exercise. It's why I wasn't upset at her for overreacting. I know how bad it is to hear something like that from a stranger who's reporting it with a sickening gleam in her eye."
Sighing, he capped his bottle. "By the time I got to the hospital, I was so mad at him for not calling me first, I could have killed him myself. What I didn't know then was that Arturo had taken his link from him. Darling had been prohibited from talking to anyone, for any reason, including his mother and especially his family. Between that, having been raped, and his nightly strip searches that were every bit as humiliating and invasive as his rapes, Darling had been unable to cope with it all. The thought of enduring another thirteen years of hell like that had been more than he could stomach, so he broke the mirror in his bedroom and used the fragments to slash his wrists."
Tears welled in his eyes. "I'd never seen Darling like that before. When we were in school together, he'd always been so strong and happy. Nothing got to him. Ever. Whatever came at him, he stood ferocious before it and dared it to try and knock him down. That was the Darling I was expecting to beat to a pulp for being stupid. And then I opened the door."
Clearing his throat, he wiped at the tear that had fallen down his cheek. "His face battered, Darling had looked so pale and defeated. So broken..."
He bit back a sob. "Since the doctor was afraid Darling would try to kill himself again, he'd ordered Darling strapped to the bed like some kind of animal or criminal. They'd braced his arms so that it wouldn't touch the bandages over his cuts. Darling was so ashamed of it all that he wouldn't even look at me. He kept staring out the window with these dazed, glassy eyes that said he didn't want to be here anymore. And he was there all alone. No family. No friends."
"I'm so sorry, Maris."
He shook his head. "My pain is slight compared to his. But that had to be the hardest year of his life. I can't imagine everything he went through in just a handful of months. I still don't know how he survived it all."
"That was the
same year that..." She hesitated. Maybe she shouldn't bring it up. The last thing she wanted to do was hurt Darling any worse.
"That what?" Maris prompted
There's no way Maris doesn't know about it. He knew everything when it came to Darling and Drake had told her that the photographs and videos of Darling had circulated far and wide. So she forced herself to say the name that burned in her throat. "Nylan."
Maris's nostrils flared in anger. "How do you know about that? I know Darling didn't breathe a word of it."
Just as she thought--Maris knew him better than anyone. "Drake told me."
"I swear that I, who profane violence, am going to cut that boy's tongue out one day," he said under his breath. "Why would he tell you about that?"
"He was explaining why he'd hated Darling when he was younger. Why he refused to believe me when I told him Darling was straight. He said that he'd seen proof otherwise, and he used that as his example."
Maris mumbled under his breath in Phrixian--a habit he always had whenever he was really mad about something. "Just please tell me that you didn't ask Darling about it."
She cringed. "I did."
More Phrixian.
Trying to soothe him, she touched his arm. "If it makes you feel better, Darling is grateful to you that you've never mentioned it to him."
"It doesn't and why should I?" He prissed daintily. "Drake is an idiot. I now have irrefutable proof of his supreme fatuousness. It was obvious to anyone with a brain what had happened." He hissed like a cat. "Which explains why Drake didn't get it... From the moment I heard about the scandal, I knew Darling would have to be beyond desperate to go to that pervert."
He set the water bottle down on the tray next to Darling's bed. "You can't imagine the disdain and ridicule Darling's been subjected to because of it. There were so many jokes that went around--jokes that were sickening. I was in militia training the first time that video was shoved in my face. I was so angry, I clocked the moron who was laughing when he showed it to me."
It had to be bad to motivate Maris to such an act. "People can be extremely vicious."
"Believe me, Zarya, I know. I am a gay man, remember? They've let me have it plenty."
He jerked his chin toward Darling. "Some of the old jokes are still floating around and are retold anytime he makes an official appearance."
"Such as?"
He turned a pale shade of green and made sure that Darling wasn't awake before he whispered to her. "I'm only telling these to you because you will hear them, and I want you prepared for the sheer, brutal nastiness of it..." He lowered his voice even more. "What's the difference between Darling Cruel, the wind, and a vacuum?"
She drew her breath in sharply, dreading the answer.
Maris held the same look of disgust that she felt. "A vacuum only sucks. The wind only blows. But Darling sucks, blows, and swallows."
She screwed her face up at the sheer cruelty. No wonder Maris had punched someone. Something like that would motivate her to even worse actions.
Sighing, he told her another one. "What's the difference between a toilet and Darling? The toilet doesn't follow you around after you use it. Then there's my personal fave. What's the difference between Darling and an oven? An oven doesn't moan out loud when you stick a piece of meat in it."
Her stomach shrank in horror. "Oh my God, that's disgusting."
"Trust me, there are a lot more than those three and I've thankfully forgotten most of the worst ones. But I'm sure Darling hasn't. There's nothing people love more than to laugh at someone else's misery, and they belly-rolled over his. They didn't care that Darling was in pain and that they were making it worse."
Licking his lips, he glanced away from her. "What kills me most, though, is that it was obvious in the video that Darling was crying, scared, and humiliated the entire time. But to them it was just hilarious. Bastards!"
In that moment, she honestly hated people for their cruelty.
Before she could comment, the alarm to one of Darling's monitors sounded.
Maris rushed to it and blocked her ability to read why it was going off.
"What is it?" she asked.
"Darling's heart just stopped."
16
Darling came to slowly. Exhausted and in pain, he tried to open his eyes, but the bandages left him in complete darkness.
"Is he awake?" That was Hauk's familiar growl.
"Darling? Can you hear me?"
Zarya. How could anyone mistake that precious, angelic voice? He heard the monitor for his heart speeding up. It quickened even more when he felt her soft hand clutching his.
Voices exploded so that he couldn't quite make them all out.
"Hey! Give us the room," Syn demanded over the sudden pandemonium.
The voices grew louder an instant before they stopped entirely.
When Zarya started to let go of him, he tightened his grip on her hand to keep her with him.
"Syn?" she said gently.
"Yeah, okay, you can stay. The rest of you need to leave for a few minutes."
Zarya kissed Darling's fingers. "I'm right here, baby," she whispered in his ear. "I'm not going anywhere."
Another hand slid under his free one. By the large, rough feel of it, he knew it was Syn's and not Zarya's tiny, delicate hand. "Hey, bud. Tap once if you're alert enough to understand me."
Darling did.
"Good. You scared the shit out of us again. Thanks so much. It's really an honor to be your doctor." Syn's sarcasm was so thick, it could double as insulation for a bomb shelter. "But we're glad to have you back. Are you in pain at all? Once for yes. Two for no."
Darling tapped once.
"Okay. Once if it's severe. Two if you can live with it."
It was severe, but Darling didn't want to be incoherent so he tapped twice.
Syn scoffed at him. "Yeah, your blood pressure's calling you a liar. That being said, I'm assuming you want to stay awake for a bit. So I'm not going to give you anything unless your blood pressure worsens." Syn removed his hand. "Since you're awake, I want to remove your breathing tube so that you can talk. I'm going to send Zarya out while I do it. Is that all right?"
Darling used League sign language to agree.
She sandwiched his hand between hers before she released it. "I won't be gone long."
As soon as she cleared the room, Syn numbed Darling's throat so that he could slide the tube out. Darling tried not to gag, but it was hard.
And it was a fight he ultimately lost.
"Here." Syn turned him to his side fast and held him there until his stomach settled down. "It's all right. Don't worry about the mess. Just breathe easy, little brother."
Darling laid his head down, grateful he couldn't see. "I don't know how you do what you do. How many years did you go to med school to learn how to clean out bedpans, anyway?"
"Ha, ha. Instead of being a smart-ass, you should be kissing mine. Anyone else would have left you to code."
"No offense, Syn, but right now, I'm wishing you had." Darling rolled over slowly until he was on his back again. "How bad was it this time?"
"You don't really want to know. Suffice it to say, if this doesn't take, there won't be another attempt. I'm not ever putting you under again. You can find yourself a new doctor who doesn't care if you live or die."
That news kicked him hard. He could tell by the brutal pain in his chest that felt like someone had stomped the crap out of him that he'd died on the table.
More than once.
"Seriously. How many times did you resuscitate me?"
"Enough that I'm glad I don't pay the power bill here."
Darling rubbed at the area over his heart that hurt the most. "Remind me to sign a DNR next time."
"Like I'd pay attention to that? Yeah. You go right on and waste your time." Syn ran his hands over Darling's body, examining his abdomen.
A new feeling of dread consumed him. "What did you do there?"
"I attempted to repa
ir some of your internals so that you might be able to go to the bathroom without trauma."
That would be better than fixing his face.
Almost.
"Did it work?" Darling asked.
"We'll know when we get some solid food back in you."
"Oh goody. Can't wait for that."
Syn snorted. "You better be glad you're already busted up. Otherwise I'd make you pay for all this sarcasm you're spewing."
Yeah, right. Syn was a top graduate from the School of Sarcasm himself. Not to mention the small fact that he knew his friend would sooner cut his own throat than hurt him.
Darling groaned out loud as Syn touched a tender spot. "That's attached, you know?"
Syn didn't say anything as he kept going with his examination.
While he worked, Darling's thoughts went to what concerned him most. "When will the bandages come off?"
"I'd like to leave them on until the morning. Since I used a Prillion and Prinum combination, you should be as good as you're going to get by then."
Darling's stomach clenched hard at the thought of what they might find once he was unwrapped. Please let this work.
He couldn't stand the thought of going through the rest of his life with Pip's name carved into his face. I just want a chance to be normal.
Just once.
Between the fight with Ryn and his torture, he couldn't remember a time when he hadn't flinched at his own reflection. A time when people hadn't stared at him in distaste.
Don't think about it.
The surgery was done. Either he was better or he wasn't. There was nothing any of them could do about it now. It was what it was. All too soon, he'd have the answer...
"How long was I out of it?" he asked Syn.
"Not quite seventy hours."
Damn. He was getting tired of being unconscious. "How much of that was spent in surgery?"
"Let's just say if I'm ever on that table that long, I hope I have a few tag team doctors for it. You're lucky I'm used to not sleeping."
That was an understatement. Syn and Nykyrian were the only ones he knew who could stay awake longer and more alert than he could. Truly impressive. "Remind me, I need to send Shahara flowers for letting me keep you away from her for so long."
Syn placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. "You owe her more than that. She and Kiara have been taking shifts keeping your woman and sister from climbing the walls. But at least Lise took a nap. Zarya hasn't slept since you've been here. She's refused to close her eyes for anything more than a blink. Maris either, for that matter. They're both about to collapse."