He wasn't coming with her. For the first time since she could remember, she was doing something completely on her own and he wasn't bugging the hell out of her to tag along. It actually made her a little nervous, not to do something on her own, she was fine with that, but that he didn't insist on coming with her.
Just to test the waters she mentioned that the hotel and school were on a large lake known for its insanely large bass and trout. He didn't even bat an eye as he wished her a safe drive. At first she thought he was dying. Eric never passed up an opportunity to fish, never. Then she realized that he was giving her space so that they could both think over a few things. Of course him explaining that probably saved him from being bitch slapped for pissing her off.
"I think we both need time to figure out what we want and where we should go from here," he explained as he took a step back, already putting distance between them, she noted. "A few days and nights apart will do us both some good."
She didn't need to ask to know that he hoped she would change her mind on this. He didn't want to go forward with this, but he was giving her a chance to make that decision. Last night had been a way to work things out of his system, nothing more. He didn't want to risk losing them by going forward. She understood that even as she inwardly cursed him for being a coward.
What happened between them scared the hell out of her too, but she was willing to take a chance. After waking up in his arms this morning and making love again how could she not? She loved him and she knew that he loved her, but he didn't know how to make this work and she sure as hell wasn't going to push him into it.
If he didn't love her enough to risk everything then she didn't want him. She wanted a man who loved her and would do anything for her, not someone too scared to do anything about it. She'd keep him in her life, because she knew that she couldn't live without him, but she'd move on. One day she'd find a man who thought she was worth the risk.
Maybe she should have a little fling over the weekend and work him out of her system. Even as the idea floated through her mind her body screamed in protest. It didn't want anyone but Eric touching her and that was going to be a problem considering the fact that he seemed to be done with her.
"Have a nice weekend, Eric," she said, not even bothering to get a hug from the man. She climbed into her car and drove off without a look back. If he wanted her he was going to have to make the first move because she was done.
*********
"Are you going to keep checking your phone or watch the game?" Nathan asked as he grabbed another beer.
Eric didn't bother answering the man as he sent him a glare. He put his phone back on top of the pizza box where he could keep an eye on it and grab it if it rang. Then of course he snatched the beer out of Nathan's hand and took a nice long sip just to aggravate the man for pissing him off.
Nathan let out a snort of disgust as he grabbed another beer. "I don't know how Joe puts up with you."
He didn't know either and that was part of the problem. He loved her so damn much and he didn't have shit to offer her. Well, that wasn't true he could be her best friend, but he wanted more, a hell of a lot more, but couldn't allow himself to go for it.
The last twenty-four hours was going to have to be enough to last the rest of his life because he knew he couldn't touch her again. After this weekend Joe would know that too. He knew she realized that he was pulling away and he hoped like hell she thought about the reasons behind it.
They were great together, could talk about anything and everything or nothing at all and he didn't want to lose that. They'd lose everything if they tried to make this work, because sooner or later he'd fuck up big time and she'd stop talking to him the way she did and soon they'd realize they'd made a mistake, but by then it would be too late.
"Why the hell are you here?" Nathan demanded, thankfully drawing him out of his rather depressing thoughts.
"I live here," he said, frowning and wondering if maybe his brother had had one too many beers already.
"I didn't mean here," Nathan said, chuckling. "I meant, why are you here while Joe is in New Hampshire?"
"Because I'm not taking a class," he answered quickly, hoping is brother would just let it go.
He should have known better.
"So? That usually wouldn't stop you. Why didn't you go with her? Is she still pissed at you?"
Eric did his best not to cringe at the question. Was she still pissed at him? No. But he'd be willing to bet that by the end of the weekend he wouldn't be her favorite person. It was hard to miss the hurt expression on her face when he told her that he wouldn't be going with her or calling her. The accusing glare that quickly followed had turned his stomach.
She probably thought he'd used her and she'd be right. He knew he couldn't have a lifetime with her so he greedily took a night with her. When she got back she'd be pissed, but he knew she'd get over it and in time they'd go back to the way things were and last night would just be another fond memory, he told himself even as he crushed the can in his hand.
"Everything's fine," he said, tossing the crushed can into the small wastebasket by the couch.
"If you say so," Nathan said with a shrug.
"I do."
"Then you'll be happy to know that Joe just responded to that text message you made me send her."
"What did she say?" he asked, trying to sound casual.
Nathan sent him an amused look as he said, "That she arrived safely. Hasn't checked into her hotel yet because she had to go straight to the school. She said it's boring and that she hates you."
"What?" he demanded, reaching out and snagging Nathan's phone away from him. He found her message and scrolled down. "She didn't say that," he said, turning an accusing glare on his brother.
Nathan shrugged, taking back his phone. "It was insinuated."
"Bastard," he muttered, turning his attention back to the game. He had absolutely no idea who was playing or winning for that matter. All he could think about was Joe.
Last night she'd surpassed every one of his fantasies, well the fantasies they had time to play out. There were still thousands of fantasies that they hadn't had time for and never would. Besides the fact that he wouldn't allow himself to touch her again there was also the little issue of work.
He may have dropped the subject, for now, but he was still trying to figure out an approach that would get her the hell off the truck. Right now he was laying all his hopes that she'd enjoy the dispatcher class enough to go fulltime with it. If not he was going to have to figure out another way to get her off the truck. Maybe she'd meet some guy and get married and start having babies, he thought.
The idea of another man touching her turned his stomach and made him want to hit something. He didn't want anyone else touching her or giving her children, but one day that would happen. It would be the worst day of his life, but if she was happy that's all that mattered. He could pretend to be happy for her and act like he didn't want to kill the bastard.
As long as Joe was happy and safe he could do anything.
"You want to talk about it?" Nathan asked.
"Nope."
"It would probably help to talk about it," Nathan mused.
Eric turned his glare on his brother. "Oh? Really? Then I guess you'd like to get a few things off your chest."
The scowl Nathan sent his way was answer enough. He mumbled something before turning his attention back to the game. Good. He didn't want to talk about Joe anymore than Nathan wanted to talk about Caitlyn. As long as Nathan kept his ass close by so that he could manipulate the bastard into sending text messages to Joe for him then he didn't care if his brother was sulking or pissed. He had his own shit to deal with and didn't-
"She's not Joe," Nathan said softly, grabbing his attention in a big way.
"What?" he asked, frowning at his brother.
"I ended things with Caitlyn because she's not Joe," Nathan admitted.
"Oh, I see," Eric said slowly as his brain struggled t
o comprehend what Nathan said and when it did he found himself on top of Nathan and beating the shit out of him.
"Stop!" Nathan snapped, but he couldn't. He knew Nathan would be the better man for Joe and that he should just step back and wish him well, but jealousy was a bitch and currently had him beating the hell out of his brother.
The fight quickly turned into a wrestling match with Eric trying to get a few more shots at his brother while Nathan did his best to shove Eric off and get away.
"What the hell is your problem?" Nathan demanded as he shot an elbow to Eric's gut to get him off.
"You want Joe," Eric said, moving to throttle the bastard.
Nathan's horrified look gave him pause. "I don't want Joe!" he snapped, sounding disgusted and looking close to vomiting at the very idea.
"What the hell is wrong with Joe?" he demanded, pissed at that look of revulsion on Nathan's face.
"She's my sister, asshole! Now get the hell off of me!" Nathan said, shoving him away so that he could get to his feet.
Eric got to his own feet, noticing the blood dripping from his nose for the first time. Well, it looked as though Nathan got in a few shots. Thankfully the man hadn't broken his nose, but it still stung like a bitch.
"What the hell is your problem?" Nathan demanded as he wiped blood off his lip with the back of his hand.
"What's yours?" Eric demanded right back.
"You are!" Nathan snapped, looking ready to leap at him.
"What did I do?"
"Joe!" Nathan shot back, shoving a frustrated hand through his hair as he started pacing Eric's small living room.
"What about her?" Eric asked, wondering if Nathan knew what happened between the two of them.
"You're a fucking idiot," Nathan practically snarled.
"You want to explain that?" Eric bit out tightly as he took an aggressive step towards his brother. Between the bullshit at work, what happened with Joe and having to push her away for her own good he was in no mood for any more bullshit.
"You have a woman who is beyond perfect for you, loves you, and who would walk on glass for you and you don't even see it," Nathan spat out.
"I don't know what you're talking about," Eric lied, wishing like hell they weren't having this conversation.
"Bullshit!" Nathan snapped, getting into his face. "You love her. I know you do and she loves you. I've seen the way you look at her. I know that the two of you have a connection that anyone would kill for," he said before muttering, "I would kill to have a woman who made me feel the way Joe makes you feel."
"How exactly do you think you think she makes me feel?" Eric asked, wondering how the hell they ended up here. He didn't want to have this conversation and was more than willing to go back to trading punches to avoid it.
"Whole," Nathan said, hitting the nail on the head and damn near making him stumble.
That's exactly how she made him feel. When she was around he felt complete, happy and at peace and when she wasn't around he felt lost. He hated being away from her and hated knowing that it was something that he would have to get used to it.
"I want what you're refusing to see," Nathan explained. "I want a woman that makes me feel complete, makes me happy and someone I couldn't imagine living without."
"We're just friends," Eric said lamely as he tried to ignore the ache in his chest. He missed her, wanted her and he was too fucking scared to go for it.
"Bullshit! She's everything to you and you damn well know it. While I would kill to have my own Joe you're throwing yours aside like it's nothing. What the hell are you going to do when she finds someone else? You don't think that will kill you to watch her with another man, knowing it could have been you?"
"Yes!" he roared. "It will fucking kill me to watch her with another man. Are you fucking happy?" he demanded, ignoring the look of pity on his brother's face as he scrubbed his hands down his face. "I'm not good enough for her. I wouldn't have the first clue about how to treat her."
"What the hell are you talking about? No one would ever treat her better and we both know it."
Eric let out a humorless laugh at that. "Really? What exactly are you basing this on? I sure as hell hope it's not based on how I treated all my old girlfriends because we both know that's exactly how it will be with Joe. I'll grow bored and it will be over and I'll lose her."
"You're avoiding being with her because of your past?" Nathan asked, looking at a loss for words when Eric nodded firmly. Nathan shook his head in disbelief. "You really are a fucking idiot."
Chapter 23
That bastard, Joe thought as she forced herself not to check her phone. She refused to be that woman. There was no way in hell that she was going to wait around for a text message or a phone call from a guy, even if that guy was Eric.
He'd made it more than clear that he had no intentions of calling her this weekend so she wasn't going to worry. She was going to force herself to stay awake during the mind numbingly boring slide show presentation. Then she was going to her hotel room, changing, hitting a bar and getting a drink and having some fun. Then tomorrow and the next day she would come back to this beige classroom that smelled like alcohol wipes and doing this all over again.
She really wished Eric was here. Normally they took all of their refresher courses and continuing education courses, the requirements that OEMS required every EMT to do to keep their EMT ticket active, together. He would keep her entertained while they sat through things like this, but he wasn't here and wouldn't be here tomorrow or the next day.
There was no doubt in her mind that she'd be doing a lot more things in the future without him. He didn't want to be with her and after what they did last night she had no doubt that he was going to start pulling away more and more. She idly wondered while she stared blankly at the graphs blown up on the screen if his reasons for not pursuing this were the same as hers.
He wasn't the best boyfriend and he had to know that by now. He wouldn't want to hurt her. She knew he loved her, but he didn't realize that he was hurting her by doing this. There really was no point in lying and saying that she wasn't afraid that he was going to end up hurting her, but after last night she was willing to take that chance.
Eric wasn't.
She wanted him, but she wasn't going to beg him. He needed to want to give them a chance. If he wasn't.........
Well, he might just get his wish after all. She knew herself well enough to know that it would become hard enough working with him day in and day out, but that didn't mean she wanted to watch as other women threw themselves at him, or worse when he started dating them. When it became too much she'd either switch out to a different station or work in dispatch full time where she wouldn't have to see him.
Of course she'd still see him at family gatherings and that was fine with her. She wasn't willing to give up Nathan or Alive for anything. They were her family and she loved them. For them she'd pretend she was happy when he was around. She'd do the same for him. She'd never stop loving him, but if it made his life easier then she'd move on.
Oh, he still had an ass kicking coming and she fully planned on giving it to him, but she knew she wouldn't be able to stay mad at him even for breaking her heart. He'd move on and so would she.
"If you want the results of your test you can call the office Tuesday," Brian, the instructor from hell, said, catching her attention.
It was over? Finally, she thought as she got to her feet and grabbed the notebook she'd filled up with doodles. That reminded her that she'd have to swing by a store and pick up two more if she had any hopes of staying mildly entertained during the next two days. Of course if Eric was here she'd just draw on his arm to keep herself entertained, but he wasn't so she'd just have to learn to deal.
She headed for the door and quickened her pace when she spotted Alex, a brand spanking new EMT that decided to take the class, following her. Normally she was patient with new EMTs, well she tried to be anyway, and she understood it was an exciting job and that some
of them got a little wrapped up in it, but she really didn't think she could take another minute with him.
During her breaks when she just wanted to relax and enjoy the fresh air he'd talked and wouldn't stop talking until Brian announced that the break was over. She could have probably handled a chatter box, but this guy decided that he had to share every single detail of every single call he'd ever been on. He'd been an EMT for all of six months and was sure that he'd seen it all.
She had to laugh at that. She'd been on the job for twelve years and knew damn well that she hadn't seen everything. No two days were alike and that's what she loved about the job. She could probably do this job for a hundred years and still see new things that surprised and shocked her. Alex didn't see it that way. He told her that he was already growing bored with the job and was looking into becoming a paramedic or a fireman.
When she made the mistake of encouraging him, mostly to end the conversation, he listed all the reasons why he should be a fireman. Her only escape had been the woman's room, but it was a short lived escape. He waited for her outside the restroom and jumped right back into his little spiel as though he'd never stopped. He did the same thing during their lunch break, making it impossible for her