Treat others with the same respect you want from them. There it is. You don’t have to treat the other side as your enemy.
We’ve spent a lot of pages discussing where we are today, how we got here, why we need to change, and what the consequences for all of us are going to be if we don’t, but considerably fewer pages outlining the way to accomplish this. In some ways this is the reverse of AA; in AA, the first thing you do is stop drinking, and then you spend the rest of your life trying to prevent a relapse. Starting is the easiest part: Pretty much anyone can convince themselves not to have a drink for an hour or even a day, but it’s the second hour and the next day that will always be the problem. For alcoholics, the measuring stick is painfully obvious: You either have a drink or you don’t. Ending an addiction to outrage isn’t quite as simple as wet and dry. You’re still going to be passionate about politics, about current events, about the direction this country is heading; you’re still going to support the candidates who best represent your beliefs—but what will change is the way you express yourself about it. It is learning how to treat those people with whom you still disagree—remember, I’m not challenging the validity of your opinions—with respect. San Francisco, for example, should be as crazy as it wants to be. That’s fine; I don’t live there. Seattle can be what Seattle wants to be. Texas will be Texas. This country is so much better off when we make respecting each other our bottom line.
For me, who has been the target of such venom, actually doing that was really difficult. Admittedly, I had earned a lot of that anger. I didn’t respect the people who attacked me. As far as I was concerned, they didn’t deserve my respect. I was fighting for the future of this country, while they were trying to tear it down.
There—there it is. That’s where it all starts. Respect. Respect for yourself first, and then for other people—yes, even people you don’t agree with. When I was living as a functioning alcoholic, I had lost respect for myself. I knew that I was living a lie. To be honest, I hated myself. That made it impossible for me to respect anyone else, and, admittedly, working with me was not always easy or even pleasant.
So the first thing we need to do if we are going to figure out how to get along with one another is learn how to respect the other guy. No matter how uninformed or silly or pretentious or arrogant or even angry they may be, you have to be better than them. You have to treat them with respect. I never will forget the first time I put those words into practice. I was in Alaska with a friend, walking hand in hand with one of my children. A woman saw me and came storming across the street screaming my name. My security agent, who was walking a few steps behind us, stepped in front of me. “Glenn Beck!” she was screaming. “Glenn Beck! I hate you! I hate you!” My friend took my son and kept walking. By this point I was already questioning what I was doing. I knew it was either that she didn’t understand me and what I’d been saying, or I had done something that made her feel this way—or maybe it was a combination of the two. This woman was almost out of control.
I had been reading a lot of Martin Luther King Jr. at that point, and all I could think of to say to her was, “I love you.” She kept screaming, but when she paused I’d say again, “I love you.” The third time I said it, her mouth continued moving but no words came out. She didn’t know how to respond. Finally, she just shook her head, muttered, “Ugh,” and walked away.
Maybe she didn’t feel better, but I sure did. I could have ignored her, I could have responded to her with the same level of anger, I even could have laughed at her, which undoubtedly would have infuriated her even more. But “I love you” was the one response she wasn’t prepared for and didn’t know how to react to. To my surprise, I felt great about it. I wasn’t quite sure where that had come from, but I walked away from her feeling a whole lot better about the day. By respecting her, I had disarmed her, and respected myself even more.
If we are going to save this country, we have to make a commitment to respect other people. I’m not saying you have to agree with them, or even like them. But it’s important to remember the words of Jackie Robinson, who changed American society forever by becoming the first black major leaguer: “I’m not concerned with your liking me or disliking me. All I ask is you respect me as a human being.”
Society is a sprawling mess; it’s all those other people trying to fulfill their own needs and desires. Conflict is inherent in it. But when our ancestors made the decision thousands of years ago that we were going to gather in tribes for our own benefit, then went on to create villages and towns, then live together in cities, then form nations, we accepted the reality that the only possible way that would work was if we agreed to respect the rights of other people. We eventually codified those rights into a Constitution. We seem to have forgotten that the first right guaranteed by that document is the freedom to say what you want to say, to discuss your own opinions.
I understand words can be provocative; they can be painful. Words give rise to emotions that demand we respond. Centuries ago, Americans would literally duel to the death over angry words; today we just strike back with more angry words.
Because social media provides anonymity, it’s easy to forget that there is a person behind those words. Well, unless it’s a Russian troll operation, in which case there is a political objective behind them. But believe it or not, most of the time the person who provoked your anger is dealing with many of the same stressful situations you face every day; in fact, for some people, the source provoking their anger is you!
Even if you don’t respect another person’s opinion or the way they express it, at least consider respecting them as a human being. There is flesh and blood behind every one of those opinions. They have the same set of emotions you do. There’s a whole story, maybe even a great saga, that led them to form those opinions, as misguided as you believe they are. Those people may even root for the same sports team, like the same music, and watch the same TV shows that you do. They believe what they write or say just as much as you do. They love this country just as much you do. They want the very best for all Americans just as much as you do. And, hard as it is to believe sometimes, most of them have mothers whom they love!
Years ago, a comedian told a story that I have always liked. While I remember the story, I’m not certain who the comedian was. It may have been the wonderful George Wallace. But this politically incorrect comedian explained that there are some people in the world who are just downright ugly. And some of them don’t know it, which hurts them. Because if they go through life being ugly and thinking they are attractive, they are fooling themselves. If they knew they were ugly, they could work with it and improve things. So, you would be doing them a favor by telling them. It’s for their own good. So, here’s my suggestion: The next time you’re on a bus or the subway sitting opposite someone really ugly, do them a big favor and just point right at them so they know the truth.
Of course, if you are sitting on that bus or subway and you look up and someone is pointing at you . . .
Here’s my point: Whatever you believe about that anonymous person who is provoking your outrage, that person probably believes the same thing about you, and is just as outraged as you are. Their finger is pointing at you for doing to them the same thing that irritates you. Hard to believe they can be so misguided? And then . . .
Wait a second. Are you trying to tell me something, Glenn?
Let me try it a different way. Suppose it simply is impossible for you to respect anyone who defends those positions on the issues. Suppose, as much as you try, you will never be able to respect someone so ignorant that they can’t agree with you about the obvious truth. Suppose you’ve just had it with all of those people, and no matter how hard you try, you just can’t bring yourself to respect them.
Now what? Now how are you going to fight your addiction to outrage, an addiction they are responsible for? How are you going to turn your back or walk away or resist responding online and still feel good about yourself?
By respec
ting yourself, that’s how. That’s the bottom line; that’s the starting point. Self-respect. There was one thing I always avoided doing after I’d had a few drinks: I wouldn’t look in the mirror. I was disgusted with myself, and the last thing I wanted to do was confront myself with reality. All alcoholics learn how to lie to themselves, but that reflection in the mirror is the truth. I can’t speak for anyone else, but I do know that expressing my anger or outrage usually doesn’t leave me feeling good. At times, I guess like everybody else, in my anger and outrage I’ve gone a little further than I intended to; I’ve said things out loud, or written them, that I later regretted. Where’d that come from? I wondered. Only later did I realize that I had lowered myself to their level. I should be better than that, I knew, but my emotions had overtaken my good sense.
It’s always harder to walk away from an angry confrontation than to give it back bigger and badder. But “Oh, yeah?” and whatever follows it is not really an intelligent argument. Probably the first major self-help movement that swept this country took place in the 1920s and was called Couéism. French psychotherapist Émile Coué believed strongly in the so-called Science of Optimistic Autosuggestion, which claims people can motivate themselves by repeating a mantra over and over. In this case, he suggested people stand in front of a mirror for twenty minutes in the morning, twenty minutes at night, and twenty minutes twice during the day repeating, “Every day, in every way, I’m getting better and better.”
Millions of people around the world reported that this method made them feel better about themselves. And if they believed it worked, it did work. It turned out that the power of reinforced suggestion was stronger than people imagined. They repeated those words loudly and firmly, and, son of a gun, when they thought about it, they actually did feel just a little better about themselves than they had yesterday. They didn’t try to understand why it worked; they just accepted it.
We’ve seen different versions of this self-help philosophy reasonably often over the last century. All of them have at their core the common desire to make practitioners feel good about ourselves; to respect themselves. The point being that you really can talk yourself into certain behaviors. I suspect the reason Coué wanted people to look in the mirror as they repeated this mantra is that he wanted them to see themselves in a positive way. He was helping them create a self-image that they would respect. They lived the positive attitude in their reflection and carried it into their daily life.
As long as you continue to view discussions of political issues as matters that have winners and losers, you are going to have a tough time stopping. You’re not going to stop in the middle of a good argument and let that SOB think they’ve won! Once you get started, oh my, is it tough to stop.
But is that really the person you want to be? Do you really want to be someone who becomes outraged when other people don’t agree with your beliefs? Really? Listen to me now: You are not responsible for anyone else’s behavior; you are responsible only for your own actions.
When I look in the mirror today, I stand up tall and think, You know what, I probably could lose a couple of pounds. But I like the person who is looking back at me. He may not be right about everything, but I know he is trying hard to be the best possible me.
Look in the mirror. Make that commitment to be the you that you will most respect. But if you need some words to say, you might try this quote from Abe Lincoln: “I am not bound to win, but I am bound to be true. I am not bound to succeed, but I am bound to live up to what light I have.”
You’ve now begun to break your addiction.
39
* * *
On Saving the World
It is hard to give up the easy wisecracking jeer that divides and destroys. It is hard—very hard—to have worked sincerely and wholeheartedly for a cause and to have lost. Most of all, it is hard to put aside personal prejudices. And yet we must put these things aside.
—Stephen Vincent Benét
I know what it feels like to be loved and despised. Trust me, love is better. I also know that reconciliation is possible, because I’ve seen it. In 2017 I was in a reasonably large meeting at Netflix. As I sat there, a woman came into the room, saw me, and practically froze. Uh-oh, I thought, I know what happens next. I could see instantly that she hated my guts. She was seething, and looked around the room as if she’d been set up. It was clear that she would like nothing more than to fillet me very slowly. Fortunately, I was there with one of my agents, who knew her.
When she sat down, he reached across the table and said to her, “Okay, okay, I know what you’re thinking. Just give him twenty minutes. Just twenty minutes.”
She glared at me, her look saying quite clearly, I know everything I need to know about you. “Okay,” she agreed, just to be polite.
Twenty minutes later we were posing together for photographs. It wasn’t that we suddenly agreed on issues—we didn’t really talk about specific issues—but rather that she figured out that I wasn’t her enemy. By the end of that meeting, she was asking me how she might heal a rift with a member of her family with whom she was no longer talking. Her point was, I guess, that if I could help her get beyond her hatred for me and what she believed I represented, then I might have some pretty good advice on how people whose disagreements have driven them apart can get along.
Let me make this clear: I am not singing Kumbaya. I am not saying we can all get along. I am neither naïve nor an idealist. Admittedly, there are rifts in my own life, wounds I haven’t been able to heal. So, I recognize that I’m not going to be able to bring the country together in some sort of 300-million-American hug. But we can get it started. We can make millions of people consciously aware of this problem and its dangers and cause many people to reassess their own actions. We can make people at least pause when they are about to express their outrage and wonder, What’s the gain for me? Who is my attitude really benefiting?
The last steps of AA’s program are “Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry it out” and “Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of those steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.”
Basically, these final two steps require you to understand that overcoming your addiction is possible, but it requires strength to do it, and that this entire program can be applied effectively to all areas of our lives. But immediately following these steps comes the reminder that it isn’t easy or simple, and there might well be missteps and false beginnings along the way. Many of us exclaimed, “What an order; I can’t go through with it,” according to the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. But authors “Bill W” Wilson and Aaron Cohen continue, “Do not be discouraged. Not one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.”
I was lucky. To supplement the AA plan I also had access to the Mormon Addiction Recovery Program. This is also a twelve-step faith-based program. And while in many ways it is similar to the AA program, it has the added benefit of a tremendous support group. Because our numbers are comparatively small, our social groups tend to be highly concentrated. This is a blessing and a curse. So while in AA you are assigned a sponsor, in my faith’s program there are a lot of people nearby you can call on for support or help. When dealing with “shame,” anonymity can be important. In this case, our shame is the same. We dropped the ball and took the easy path. Hopefully it was sufficiently painful for us to want to try to come together. Having people readily available makes a difference. Try to find a friend to do this with you.
My Glenn Beck Coming Together to Save America Program incorporates all the things we’ve been discussing in this book while mirroring AA and other recovery
programs. Actually, I just made up that name; you can call it anything you’d like. My program isn’t very rigid and requires absolutely no allegiance to any political position or religion. While I feel that the actual twelve steps are crucial to overcoming true addiction, for the purposes of this book I have tailored the steps to fit our goal of coming back together. And, admittedly, there is nothing especially original in it; it is similar to those programs. I’ve done that because we have decades of evidence that this technique works.
If you want it to.
The first step is both the easiest and the most difficult: 1) Admit you have a problem.
In this instance, though, it probably is more accurate to say it this way: Admit we have a problem. Some addictions are personally debilitating. They interfere with your life. Getting high on outrage isn’t so obvious. It doesn’t prevent you from functioning; it is easily integrated into your normal life and isn’t even something you feel a need to be embarrassed about—in fact, you probably even enjoy it. You may even get off on telling other people about your epic duels with one of them. None of that is unusual. It’s not even the same kind of denial so commonly found among alcoholics and drug abusers. I know all the lines: I got this one. I can stop anytime I want. I’m not hurting anybody. I’m just having a little fun.