“You’re quiet.”
“I was thinking,” she admitted.
“Want to share?”
Rebecca thought about it. Where would she start? She finally shook her head. “No, I don’t think so, Travis.” She tucked her arm in his. “But thank you for asking.”
43
The year 1877 arrived during a snowstorm, but by the end of the month, the snow was melting fast and everyone had the impression of an early spring. Moods were high, and romance filled the air. Travis and Rebecca fell a little more in love every day, and Colin North was becoming a regular fixture in the Buchanan kitchen. Lavena was still very much herself, short and to the point, but Colin was clearly fascinated with her. Lavena wasn’t around to do as much as she had been, which meant more work for Rebecca, but she honestly didn’t mind.
Lucky, Margo, and Margo’s mother, Yvonne, had become regulars at church, and Margo had just recently shared with Eddie how she had taken the Scriptures to heart and made Christ the Lord of her life. Lucky still peppered Travis with dozens of questions, but his heart was tender and he continued to stay open to the truth, something for which Travis prayed daily concerning Rebecca. The Buchanans and Langleys had not seen as much of each other as they had hoped, but Travis also prayed that a friendship would grow between his wife and Eddie. He trusted God wholly for her faith.
The first Sunday of February she surprised him and the boys.
“Mama.” Garrett was the first to see her.
Up and dressed in her best gown, Rebecca had come to the kitchen door. Travis left his breakfast and went to her. He’d already pulled her close and kissed her in bed, but this was even better.
“Good morning,” he said as his arms went around her. “You look beautiful.”
Rebecca cuddled against him in an attempt to make her heart feel lighter. “I thought I would go with you this morning.”
“I’ll enjoy that,” Travis said, working hard to keep his emotions at bay. He held Rebecca out in front of him and then bent to kiss her. He wanted to ask when she had changed her mind but was afraid of pushing too hard. For the most part they got along very well, but there were times she became angry with Travis and he didn’t know why. The subject of God or church was rarely brought up because Rebecca did not seem comfortable with either.
“Breakfast?” Travis asked.
“Some toast, I think, and coffee.”
The boys were thrilled to have their mother present for the meal, and Rebecca had a good time even though she was swamped with guilt. She knew very well what Travis’ church attendance meant to him, but she was not going just to please him. Last week Wyatt had come home and talked again of the pretty lady at church. That he was infatuated was very clear. For some reason Rebecca was overcome with curiosity and jealousy. She was certain that Travis thought her best dress was for church, but it wasn’t. She had worked for ages on her hair and dress in an attempt to look her best.
You’re a fool, Rebecca, she said to herself. You know Travis loves you. There is no other woman. But it was no use. She had to go. She had to see who this woman was and whether she should be worried about her husband’s attentions straying.
“Ready?” she heard Travis ask. She had been wool-gathering and barely remembered to drink her coffee. With rushed movements she went to retrieve her coat, and then she saw it. Travis had a Bible in his hand. What should have been the real reason for attending church jumped at her.
“I don’t have a Bible,” she said quietly, but Travis only smiled tenderly.
“You can share mine.”
Rebecca smiled weakly, feeling more guilty than ever. Thinking she was nervous, Travis prayed that her heart would be calm and that she would enjoy the morning. But the tense look never left Rebecca’s face, and Travis prayed for her all the way to town.
You’re a fool, Rebecca Rose Buchanan. An absolute fool!
She had said the words to herself a dozen times, but it didn’t stop the pain. She hadn’t heard a word of the sermon. Instead she had spent that entire time looking for the woman who turned out to be Eddie’s sister, Jackie. And of course there had been no mystery. Jackie had come up to them as soon as the sermon ended.
“Travis,” Jackie said. “Clayton tells me your wife is here.”
“That she is,” Travis’ voice told of his pleasure.
“Help me now.” Her hand went out, and Travis reached for Rebecca in order to bring them together.
“This is Rebecca,” he said to Jackie when his wife had offered her hand. “Rebecca, this is Jackie Taggart. She’s married to Clayton, who teaches at the school. She’s also Eddie’s sister.”
“Hello,” Rebecca managed quietly, her hand still in Jackie’s tight grasp.
Jackie’s smile was beaming. “I’m so glad to meet you. I’m sorry I haven’t been out to visit. Have you gotten settled?”
“Yes.”
“That’s great. We love your little boys,” Jackie told her. “Wyatt comes and talks to me every week.”
“They love you too,” Rebecca told her honestly. She looked down to see Wyatt staring at her.
“They’re charmers,” Jackie said, laughing good-naturedly. “I would love it if the three of you could visit sometime. We live right by the school, and I’m home most days.”
“Thank you.” Rebecca barely remembered her manners. “We’ll have to do that.”
“Great. Will we see you here next week?”
Rebecca heard herself say yes but thought it must have been another person talking.
Jackie let go of Rebecca’s hand when Clayton came up to meet her, but kind as she had been, it had all been torture for Rebecca.
Now the Buchanans were on their way home, and Rebecca felt as though it had all been a dream. Jackie Taggart was beautiful. But she was also married to the schoolmaster, and clearly a friend to Travis and nothing more.
“Are you all right?” Travis asked as he lifted her from the wagon and carried her into the kitchen. The snow was no longer deep, but Travis used any excuse to touch her.
“I think so.”
“Did the sermon upset you?” he asked, still holding her close.
“No, I’m just thinking about the people I met.”
Travis set her down. “You’re sure you’re all right?”
Rebecca nodded and managed to smile, but it was a relief to have Travis head back outside where the boys were waiting in the sleigh. She could let her guard down for a few minutes. The whole morning had been an awful mistake that led from one blunder to the next. She had stared at Jackie as though she had two heads, and then at her husband. To top it off, she had told them in front of Travis that she would be back the next week. Rebecca shook her head in regret, but that didn’t change the fact that her temples were starting to pound.
“I’ve worked for everything I have,” Lucky told Travis halfway through February. “I think that’s why I get tripped up with the free gift.”
“I did the same thing, Lucky. There were many times even after I committed my life to Christ that I found myself trying to earn God’s favor. God’s grace is so huge. It’s more than I can take in, but it really does cover it all. We can’t outgive God or do anything to make ourselves worthy. There is no room for pride. It’s so easy for a child to ask for help—for a man it’s torture, but there’s no other way.”
The men were in the barn. The other hands always headed right to dinner when they came in from work, but since Lucky went home to Margo in town, he usually took a little time to talk with Travis.
“Margo’s like a different person,” Lucky shared, his voice full of wonder as though he couldn’t quite believe it.
“In what ways?”
“She’s not feeling at all well with this pregnancy and sometimes she has cramping. I’m afraid we’re going to lose the baby, but she just says that if it happens, God knows best.”
Travis nodded. “What you need to understand, Lucky, is that God never changes. Whether or not Margo had come to Him,
God would still be the same. The difference is in Margo. She has trusted in Christ, so now He’s able to open her eyes to these new truths. The question is, are you ready to follow in her footsteps? God doesn’t love Margo more than He loves Lucky, but just like Margo, God is going to let Lucky decide.”
It was very clear to Lucky at that moment. At least subconsciously, he had thought God had just recently become the God He was, but that was laughable. God had been there all along, the same sovereign presence for centuries, only Lucky hadn’t seen Him.
“I need this, Travis,” Lucky told him quietly. “I can’t say as I understand it all, but I can see now that I’m lost without Him.”
In the horse barn of the Double Star Ranch, Lucky Harwell, remembering all that Travis had shared with him, gave his life to Christ.
“I have run from You, God,” he prayed sincerely. “I have pursued my own life and done as I pleased. I have sinned with many women and even touched my wife before she was rightfully mine. I don’t know how You can accept a sinner like me, but I want Your shed blood to cover my sins too. Come to me like You have Margo. Take all of me, God, and make me the man You would have me be.”
Lucky looked up to see tears standing in Travis’ eyes. His own stung the back of his throat.
“It’s all true.” His voice was a whisper. “I’ve been listening to the sermons for weeks now, Travis, and it’s all true. God didn’t just wind up the world like a child’s toy and let it go. He’s here, in every place and in every heart of those who will ask Him.”
A tear slid down Travis’ cheek. “So many years I’ve prayed, Lucky. I’ll be here for you. Don’t forget that.”
“I need to go home.” Lucky was suddenly breathless. “I need to see Margo.”
“Go.” Travis’ smile was huge. “I’ll see you tomorrow, and we’ll talk.”
Lucky’s hand came out, and Travis covered it with his own. They looked at each other, but Lucky couldn’t speak. As Lucky turned and walked away, Travis stood still and poured out his feelings to God.
This is what Robert felt like. This is what Robert’s heart did when I finally saw the truth. You are Savior. You are Lord. Thank You, holy Father, for showing Lucky the way. I have failed You so many times, but You’ve never let me down. Lucky and Margo are Your children now. Touch Sarah Beth, too, Lord. Show her young heart. Thank You that Wyatt and Garrett are so open. I know they’ll find You. Rebecca too, Father. She needs You. She says nothing about the sermons, Lord; in fact she’s less open to talking about them all the time, but You never give up, Lord. She doesn’t even know how much she needs You, but You’ll get through. You’ll find a way.
Travis had no idea how long he’d been standing there, but he was suddenly chilled. It was time to go in. He lit a lantern and did a final check on the stock and doors. By the time he reached the house, his family was sitting down to dinner. The boys flew at him, and Rebecca, although she stayed at the table, looked relieved.
“I thought something might have happened,” she whispered tenderly when he bent to kiss her.
He looked into her eyes. Something did happen, Rebecca. If only I could share it with you. Saying none of this, he only kissed her again, swiftly washed, and joined his family at the table. The evening was like many others, but Travis prayed for both Lucky and Rebecca in a new way.
44
Rebecca told herself she would not be back. It was the second Sunday in March. She had been attending church with Travis for more than a month, but today, even though the sermon was just starting, she knew she would come no longer. After the fiasco of the first week, she had listened, truly listened. Travis was so secure in what he believed, and for the first time Rebecca had opened her ears, but she simply didn’t understand the draw. She wasn’t interested in hearing stories about Jesus every week.
But something had been bothering her for weeks that was separate from her boredom. She had not been able to put her finger on it immediately, but she had been uncomfortable at church and even with the Langleys. Now she understood. This group of church attenders thought they had all the answers. According to Pastor Henley, there was just one way to God. Rebecca didn’t believe that. What kind of arrogance was it that made them all think they had some type of spiritual understanding the rest of the world didn’t have?
This morning Rebecca knew she had had enough. Travis could fall for it if he wanted, but not her. She debated telling him that the boys couldn’t come either but thought it only fair that they get a taste of all religious viewpoints and make their own decision. For herself, she knew she would never agree.
“I talked to a man this week.” Pastor Henley was speaking, and Rebecca, not caring to have everyone know her thoughts, tried to look as if she were interested.
“He said something wonderful to me. He said he was saved to a life.”
Rebecca had come to hate the word “saved,” but she also kept these thoughts from her face.
“I asked him to explain that to me, and he said that originally he believed in Christ out of need. The pastor that morning had been teaching about hell. The preacher wasn’t shouting or trying to scare anyone. He was simply providing the truth of it from God’s Word. My friend recognized the reality of hell and the fact that he was going there. But the preacher also remembered to tell his flock that Jesus Christ was personally able and willing to rescue them.”
Pastor Henley had Rebecca’s full attention now.
“That morning my friend knew a decision had to be made, and he made it. He decided to believe in Christ as his Savior,” he went on, “but it was years before he understood the full import of what he had done. Saved to a life is what he now calls it. Not just saved from damnation, but saved to live a life as blameless and as pleasing to God as possible. Yes, his eternity was taken care of, but before death, for all the years he would roam this earth, he needed to commit his life daily, hourly, to God. There is nothing wrong with feeling a sense of peace and fulfillment when we finally take that step of salvation, but it can’t end there.
“Look at our text today, John 10:10: ‘I have come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.’ Don’t settle for mediocrity, my friend. God has more for you. Heaven, yes! Salvation from eternal punishment, yes! But you are also saved to a life. A life full and free when lived for Christ and not for self.”
Pastor Henley continued, but Rebecca heard no more. She was stunned. Had he said this before and had she missed it? Is this what Travis believed? Did they all believe that anyone who didn’t believe as they did deserved to go to hell? She wasn’t even certain there was a hell. After all, who really knew? And beyond that, who had the right to condemn anyone to go there? Certainly not Pastor Henley, Travis, or anyone else who went to this church.
She caught Travis glancing in her direction, so she swiftly schooled her features. Now was not the time to try to figure it all out. Just get through it became Rebecca’s battle cry for the next hour as the sermon ended, the congregation visited, and even as the Buchanans rode home. It was not the start of a wonderful afternoon or week.
Travis was at the end of his rope; Rebecca would not tell him what was wrong. She had been cold and standoffish for two days. He was at a complete loss. She had been struggling for a few weeks, he knew, but she never wanted to talk about it. He could see that she didn’t enjoy church, but she seemed to genuinely enjoy the people who always came to talk with her. However, she never wanted to discuss the sermon, and she grew angry if he ever tried to press her.
Sunday, she had been quiet, short with the boys and him, and wished only to be left alone to read. Monday, Travis had worked all day, but the boys were out of control at the dinner table and Travis assumed that Rebecca had spent the day on her own again. She had no desire to sit with him in the living room but spent the evening mending by the stove in the kitchen, and was stiff as an oak board when he tried to hug her good night. He didn’t know what to think as he headed home on Tuesday night, but he didn’t have long
to wait to find out. Rebecca did not welcome his kiss, and dinner was nearly silent; the boys were subdued as well. Not long after he had put the boys to bed, he found her in her own room, nightgown in place, legs under the covers, leaning against the headboard, reading.
“Are you all right?” he asked, keeping his voice low in deference to the children across the hall.
“Yes. I’m just turning in early.”
“In here?”
“I think it’s for the best.”
She wouldn’t even look at him.
“Rebecca, what’s happened? What has gone wrong? You didn’t even kiss the boys good night.”
“I just can’t pretend that everything is fine.” Her voice was clipped.
“I wouldn’t want you to, but can you tell me what’s troubling you?”
The book slapped on the bed as Rebecca set it aside angrily.
“You really are incredibly arrogant, do you know that, Travis?”
It was said coldly, and Rebecca’s eyes were filled with fury. Travis thought that going out to work the last few days had been a big mistake. Whatever was bothering his wife had certainly mounted in the last days and hours. Now Travis felt attacked and hated, but he managed to keep his voice calm.
“I’m sorry I’ve been arrogant. Was it something specific I did?”
“It’s your whole church, the lot of you! What right have you to tell people they’re going to hell?”
At last it was out. Again Travis kept his voice calm.
“Pastor Henley is just telling us what God’s Word says, Rebecca. He isn’t condemning anyone personally.”
“Of course he is. You all are! You can’t really know if there’s a hell.”