“It’s talked about right in the Bible, Rebecca. I could show you.”
“That’s all subject to man’s interpretation, Travis, even I know that. My aunt read the Bible for years, and she never believed in hell.”
Travis stood there for a moment, his mind racing. Finally he said, “Everyone is entitled to his own choice of belief, Rebecca, but why are you so angry about this?”
“Because you’re all so smug. What sets you apart? Do you think you’re going to hell, Travis?”
“No.”
“Why not you, Travis? What makes you so special?”
“I’ve learned a lot about God in the last few years, Rebecca.” Travis remained calm. “And one of the things that has stood out to me is His holiness. Nothing we can ever say or do will make us good enough for God. We all deserve hell, but God made an escape—”
“Salvation,” she cut him off sarcastically.
“Yes,” Travis agreed gently. “Salvation through God’s Son, Jesus Christ.”
“What about my father?” she shot at him.
Travis had thought often about this, so he had an answer. “I never discussed things of the spirit with your father, Rebecca, but if he chose to trust God for his sin, then he is in heaven.”
“And if he didn’t?”
“Then the Bible is very clear.” Travis’ voice was soft but sure. “He’s gone to a lost eternity.”
“And you don’t have a problem with that? It doesn’t bother you in the least that you think my father deserves to be in hell?”
“We all deserve to be in hell, Rebecca,” Travis repeated. “And as much as I’d like to see your father in heaven someday, I can’t torture myself over not knowing. I have to concern myself with you and the boys.”
Rebecca couldn’t look at him. The fight had gone out of her, but she was trembling all over.
“I’m sorry you’re so angry about this Rebecca, but please don’t let it harm our marriage. Please come back to our room.”
She looked at him, her face astounded.
“You still want me in your room, even knowing how I feel?”
Travis licked his lips. “I love you, Rebecca; that isn’t going to change. We don’t agree on this, but it doesn’t have to tear our family apart.”
Tears filled her eyes. Travis started for her, but she slipped out the other side of the bed, effectively putting it between them.
“Travis, I—” she was crying now.
“Oh, Reba.” Travis’ voice was tortured. “Please don’t cry. Please come here so I can hold you.”
But again she shook her head. “I can’t, Travis. Not now—maybe never.”
It took all of Travis’ self-control not to go to her. She was hurting, and he desperately wanted to hold her and share the pain.
“I want to be alone now,” Rebecca said in a small voice. She sniffed like a child, and Travis thought his heart would break. Somehow he needed to make her understand.
“I’ll leave if you want me to, Rebecca, but nothing has changed. I’m sorry you didn’t realize where I stood. It was certainly my fault for not explaining. You need to know all of it. I’ve believed this way for several years, before you came back to me and since. Even as we shared a room and worked at making this a real marriage, I believed in hell, and in Jesus Christ, and in His power to save. I love you now, and I’ll always love you. Our differing views won’t always be easy, but they won’t change my love. They haven’t up to now and they are not going to in the future. I hope you’ll realize that soon and want us to be a real family as much as I do.”
Travis looked at her, praying with all his heart that she would come to him, but it didn’t happen. Rebecca dropped her eyes, and he made himself walk away and stay away, even when he heard her crying from down the hall.
Robert looked into his friend’s pale face and studied the way he played with his coffee cup without drinking a drop.
“I told you yesterday something was very wrong.” Travis began. “Well, it all blew up last night. She moved back down the hall.” The men had met together on Tuesday, but Travis was back on Wednesday.
“It wasn’t perfect, Robert, I mean, no marriage is, but we were working on it. She was asking me about my day, and I was sharing with her. Sometimes we would talk for hours. And the boys—she was getting so good at taking care of their needs. She was firm but still giving them lots of hugs and kisses. I’ve prayed that she would understand her need for Christ, Robert, but I never dreamed she would be so angry with me when she didn’t agree.”
Travis stood and paced in the Langley kitchen. “I couldn’t lie to her, Robert. I don’t know where her father is. I’m sure my own parents are lost … my grandmother too. It’s too late for them but not for Rebecca and the boys. I tried to tell her, but she was so crushed.”
Travis came back to the table.
“What do you say to someone who says you’re arrogant because you believe you know the path to righteousness?”
Robert had listened quietly, waiting for Travis to get everything off his chest. It was a very painful place for Travis to be in, but Robert believed that God had answers for even this.
“You’re certainly not in a very enviable position, Travis, but try to see it from Rebecca’s perspective. Remember when Morgan Sears died? Do you recall how angry you were with me when I tried to tell you that every event was part of God’s plan?”
Travis’ eyes slid shut over the memory, and he nodded his head.
“It’s that same way for Rebecca. She’s completely threatened by what Pastor Henley said on Sunday morning. You told her you loved her?”
“Yes.”
“I would keep telling her,” Robert advised him. “Let her see that your love is not conditional to her salvation. She won’t believe that at first, but given time I think she’ll understand. Rebecca is not a combative person. I don’t think she can keep on with this anger. In fact, she might be feeling differently even this morning.”
Travis nodded. “She didn’t even want me in the same room with her last night, but you’re right. When she first came back to the Double Star she was angry about everything, but it didn’t last. The kinder I became, the more she responded.” Travis took a deep breath. “It wasn’t that long ago, but I’d forgotten all about that.”
Robert let his friend have a moment of silence and then asked quietly, “What will you do?”
“Go home. Check on the boys and see how Rebecca is doing. If she’s angry I’ll just hang in there and keep loving her.”
“I’ll cover you with prayer, Travis. In fact, let’s start right now.”
The men bowed their heads and surrendered Rebecca Buchanan to God. Travis left sometime later, knowing that his work lay ahead of him, and that he wasn’t going into battle alone.
45
It was odd that just three days after the blowup with Rebecca, Lucky asked Travis how she was doing. Travis had to be honest and tell him that she was struggling, but the younger man had nothing but compassion for his employer.
“It must be rough, Travis, but I think it must still be easier than when the wife is saved first.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Yvonne has seen the change in Margo and me. She tried to tell Freeman what she wanted to do, you know, come to Christ and all. She was even ready to pray with Margo, but Freeman got so angry that she backed right off. He threatened to leave if she brought it up again. She took a chance and still came to church on Sunday, and Freeman let it go, but I know she’s afraid of him.”
Travis’ face showed his pain. How awful for Margo’s mother. It was easy to see that he had a less complicated situation with Rebecca. She was still keeping her distance, talking to him only about impersonal business, but Robert had been right: The anger was gone. In its place was a vulnerable young woman who wanted to be loved by her husband but was afraid to let him get close.
“I ache for her, Lucky, and you’re right,” Travis told him honestly. “Rebecca doesn’t kno
w what to do with my beliefs. She feels threatened by them, but it’s nothing like Mr. Roderick’s rage.” The men rode for a time in silence. “By the way, how are you doing?”
“Very well. It’s becoming more and more difficult to live with Margo’s folks, but we’re getting by. I’m just praying that we can find a house to rent by the time the baby comes.”
“How is Margo feeling?”
“About the same. The cramping has stopped, but she’s so sick all the time. I’m thankful the baby is still with us, but August can’t come soon enough for me.”
Travis told him he would continue to pray, and did so as the day rushed by rather swiftly. The boys were starved for attention that evening, so he spent extra time with them, playing cowboys with toy guns. Travis died on the kitchen floor time and again, much to the delight of the outlaws hunting him.
He hadn’t seen anything of his wife since supper had ended, but when he finally tucked the boys in and went to the living room, she was there. Amazed that she would wait for him, Travis noted that she had already poured herself a cup of coffee and was on one end of the davenport, seeming to be at ease. She didn’t offer any to Travis, but that was not unusual. He poured his own and sat down, his long legs stretched toward the fire.
“Lucky stopped in to say hello to the boys today.”
“He did?”
“Yes. I hadn’t talked to him since Christmas.”
Her voice was so impersonal that Travis couldn’t tell whether she’d enjoyed the visit or not.
“Did you know that he and Margo live with her parents?”
“Yes.”
She was looking at him, almost as if it was his fault, but Travis didn’t know why.
“Is the ranch doing well, Travis?”
“You mean making money? Yes. We’ll be out on roundup and then making a cattle drive in just a few months, and if everything goes well, I’ll be making some repairs to the barn or possibly building another one.”
“Why don’t you build a few houses?”
“Build houses? Where?”
“Here at the ranch. There seems to be plenty of land.”
Travis was not catching on, and Rebecca frowned at him.
“Honestly, Travis,” she continued, clearly irritated. “He’s your foreman, and if things continue to heat up between Lavena and Colin, they’ll be looking for a place of their own too!”
Travis had thought of building. Months ago during a conversation with Lucky he’d asked himself why he didn’t have housing for his foreman. He knew that some foremen lived with their bosses—he had and so had Grady—but that had never been Travis’ style.
When Travis did not immediately respond, Rebecca began to rise.
“It’s a great idea,” Travis said and watched as she sat back down. “I wish I’d acted on it a long time ago. Are things really so serious with Colin and Lavena?”
“It’s looking that way. She had a new dress on today.”
Travis nodded. “Margo’s expecting,” he commented. “I know they’re hoping for a place of their own before August.”
“Can homes be built that fast?”
“I think so. I mean, they won’t be mansions, but they would certainly be good shelter.”
“So you’ll do it?” Rebecca was surprised at how fast he agreed.
“I think it’s a great idea. I can’t say as it’s never crossed my mind, but like I said, I’ve never acted on it. Thank you, Rebecca.”
Not comfortable with his praise, she busied herself with more coffee. She was careful to keep her eyes averted.
When had it all fallen apart? she asked herself. She had been so happy at Christmas and during January, but it devastated her to think of her father in eternal punishment, and more so that Travis believed it. She was forced to ask herself why something she didn’t even believe in made her so furious. She couldn’t find any answers, and Travis’ presence served as a reminder of all that hung between them.
“Thank you for telling me about Lavena,” he commented, breaking into her thoughts.
“You haven’t noticed?”
“I don’t see her as much as you do. I see Colin on the range of course, but I take it he’s been around the house quite a bit?”
“More so all the time.”
“How is that for you? Do you ever get tired of people all over the house?”
“At times, yes, but Lavena has been going places with Colin, and then the boys and I have the house to ourselves.”
“And you’ve enjoyed it?”
“Yes.”
“Well, that settles it. Whether or not anything comes of Lavena’s relationship with Colin, we’ll build her a place of her own. It’s time you had your house back.”
“You would do that, Travis? Spend that kind of money for me even if it wasn’t necessary?”
“Absolutely.”
Rebecca didn’t know how to handle his words. She began to rise and was on her feet when Travis caught her hand. He pulled her over until she was nearly in his lap. Travis put his arms around her, but her tears were so very close she didn’t dare look at him. He was forced to speak to her profile.
“I’m not trying to buy you, Rebecca, but if I’d realized how much you needed your privacy, I’d have done something as soon as you came home.”
“Maybe you should save your money, and I should just go back to Pine Grove.”
Her voice was sad and resigned; Travis knew she didn’t want to leave.
“I can’t let you do that.”
“Why not?”
“Because it would break my heart.”
She sobbed. Travis shifted her until she was against his chest, and Rebecca clung to him.
“Oh, Travis,” she managed, but nothing more. He didn’t try to console her but held her close and let her cry until the tears were spent. When she was a little more in control and wanted to sit up, he let her pull away from him.
“Better?” His eyes were still on her profile. She was so lovely but also so very lost.
“I think so.” Still Hannah Ellenbolt’s niece, she pulled a lace handkerchief out from up her sleeve. She fixed her face, which was now puffy and red, and then Travis picked up her hand. It was the only part of them that touched, but Rebecca still said, “I don’t know if I can do this, Travis.”
“I know. You’ve had a lot to think about.”
“I thought you would be relieved to have me go back to Pine Grove.”
“Then you haven’t been listening to me. I love you, Rebecca, and if you leave you’ll take my heart with you.”
She bit her lip, determined not to cry again. What was she going to do? Could she continue in a marriage with this man whose beliefs were so contrary to her own? How would they ever find a meeting ground? And when would she find the answers so she could stop the dozens of questions that seemed to forever swarm in her mind? The last question made her weary enough to sleep for a week. She stood, and Travis made no move to stop her.
“I’m going to turn in now.”
“All right. Can I bring you something—water or tea?”
“No, but thank you.”
They stared at one another.
“We’ll get those houses built this summer, Reba.” Travis’ voice was husky with emotion. “Even if the barn has to wait. You’ll have the house to yourself by fall. Lavena can still work for you if you want, but it will be under your terms.”
Rebecca’s heart swelled with love for him, but she pushed it down. She ached all over from the effort, but she couldn’t help herself.
“Thank you, Travis.”
“You’re welcome. Sleep well.”
He watched her walk from the room, her steps slow and weary. It was so hard not to go after her. They needed each other. Travis turned back to the fire and forced his mind to prayer. He was anxious; he was hurting; and he wanted his wife back for good.
I’m so faithless right now, Lord. It doesn’t feel as if anything can repair this marriage, not even You. Help me to tru
st, help me to believe. And comfort that woman up there, Lord, the one who needs You. The one who means more to me than my own life.
“I thought you went to church” were Lavena’s first words to Rebecca the next Sunday morning.
“No,” she said shortly and poured herself some coffee.
Her face did not invite conversation, and for the moment Lavena only watched her. Colin had been planning to come to breakfast, but Lavena knew she would send him away if he came in the door. Nosy as she seemed, Lavena honestly did try to leave the Buchanans to themselves. She would go hungry before sitting down to a meal with them, and never had she searched through their personal things or intruded on a private conversation. But no one could have missed the storm clouds that periodically passed through the ranch house. Rebecca was clearly on a weaving track with her emotions right now, and Lavena was beginning to think Travis was a saint. She didn’t take sides, not even in her mind, but she did wish beyond anything that she knew how to help.
“How come you didn’t go?”
Rebecca shrugged. “It’s not for me, Lavena. Travis enjoys it, but I don’t, and I’m not going to pretend that I do.”
“That’s certainly fair.”
Rebecca looked at her. “How about you, Lavena? Do you ever attend church?”
“No. I used to, but I finally told God I wasn’t interested.”
Rebecca had never heard of such a thing. “What do you mean?”
“God chased me,” Lavena said simply. “He chased me, but I ran.”
Rebecca leaned forward in invitation.
“I was a young woman—not married yet,” Lavena began. “I went to Chicago to spend some time with my cousin. We went to revival meetings, and she tried to introduce me to her God. It was a miserable summer. I ran as far as I could, but God was everywhere I looked. I finally gave up. I told God to leave me alone. I told Him I wasn’t interested in turning my life over to anyone, and that included Him.”
Rebecca was now openly staring.
“That’s right,” Lavena answered her look. “That was the end of it. God hasn’t bothered me since. Not even when I was married to Frank Larson and going through those awful years did I forget that God and I had an agreement. I wouldn’t bother Him, and He wouldn’t bother me. That suits me just fine to this day.”