would be happy with whatever Queen gave her.
"How does it feel?" Miss Mandy asked quietly.
"Heavy," Queen said, adjusting her weight again. Miss Mandy was always
asking her how she felt. But presently, Miss Mandy's mind was on other
matters. Her thoughts were metaphysical.
"No, I mean how does it feel in your heart?"
Queen considered the question carefully, but it was so difficult to
describe the complex emotions that engulfed her. She had never, for one
moment, regretted the pregnancy, and when the physical difficulties of
it made her irritable or tired, or when she felt ill, or when she
couldn't do her work properly, she would sit somewhere, and talk quietly
to her child, and would caress her belly so that he would learn the
gentle touch of her hands. She wished she were a poet, or had been
schooled better, so that she could communicate the pure wonder of it. The
only words that came to her were simple ones, but honestly spoken,
directly from her heart.
"I feel-full up with him," Queen said. "Complete with love for him." She
smiled.
"There now, I think he's going to be a boy, too. I feel him growing
inside me, kicking inside me, and I never want him to leave me. No matter
how big he gets I will always think he's too little for this world."
Miss Mandy blinked in the sunlight, and glanced at her Bible.
"And now abideth Faith, Hope, and Charity, these three, but the greatest
of these is Charity."
They sat in silence for a moment. Bees hummed. Crickets sang. Butterflies
danced by.
"I envy you so much," Miss Mandy whispered. Queen looked at the old
woman, and felt a surge of sorrow for her, for her aura was abject
loneliness. She wanted to give Miss Mandy a gift, in return for the
charity she had shown.
She took Miss Mandy's hand and held it against her stomach. They didn't
have to wait very long. The child was getting
QUEEN 669
anxious to be bom. When Miss Mandy felt the movement of the kick against
her hand, a golden smile suffused her face, and a sharp pain stabbed her
heart. The child kicked again, a slight, dull thump, and Miss Mandy pulled
her hand away.
"Don't make it worse for me," she said.
So it was perfectly reasonable to Queen that Miss Mandy be her midwife,
and in any case Miss Mandy would tolerate no other. Miss Gippy was far
from convinced. What if something went wrong? What if the child had
problems? And who was going to clean up the mess?
"We're nearly there!" Miss Mandy cried, and Miss Gippy's eyes popped out
in amazement. Queen had given a shameless yell and an almighty shove, and
the head of the baby appeared. Miss Gippy fell to her knees, and prayed
for assistance or deliverance.
"Get up off your knees, woman, and get me a towel," Miss Mandy ordered.
Queen yelled again, and pushed again, and so it was that a child was bom,
to three lonely women, who had no experience of such wonder.
"Bless my cotton socks," Miss Mandy whispered, in awe. "It's a boy."
The words lulled Queen, like a benediction. She lay back on the bed, in
exhaustion, and elation, and triumph.
"Let me see him," she said.
Miss Mandy and Miss Gippy were fussing over the tot, doing the things
that had to be done.
"In a moment, Queen," said Miss Mandy. "We have things to do."
"Let me see him," Queen said again, but Miss Mandy didn't even reply. The
baby was so darling, and so fragile, and yet she had to be brutal with
him, to ensure his survival. She cut the cord herself, and cleaned him,
and spanked him to make him cry, so that she was certain he would live.
And there was so much else. She had to make sure he was complete, that
all his tiny toes were there and his dear little fingers, that his ears
were well formed, and touch his tiny, fluffy hair. And he wasn't really
black at all, just a sort of milky coffee, and anyway, perhaps he would
tighten a little as he grew. And she had to hold him to her, hold him to
her breast, so that he
670 ALEX HALEY'S QUEEN
would know that no matter who fed him, this was where he was loved. What on
earth was Queen making such a fuss about?
"He's my baby!" Queen was shouting now. "He's mine. I want to see him."
Every fiber of her was pleading for this part of her body to be returned to
her.
"Don't be so ungrateful, Queen," Miss Mandy said sharply. Oh, he looked
lovely, wrapped in clean swaddling clothes of palest blue. This was how the
darling baby Jesus must have looked, and Miss Mandy's soul magnified the
Lord.
"I want my baby!" Queen cried. "Give me my baby!"
Miss Mandy sighed, but came to Queen with the child, for he was whimpering,
and might be hungry, and he was never going to be hungry, or want for
anything. Miss Mandy would see to that. With matemal care, she put him into
Queen's arms at last, and Queen stared at the tiny thing, and vowed she
would never let him out of her arms again. She freed her breast, and put
the child's mouth to it. Of all the pleasures life can give, this was the
finest feeling, for she, who had given him life, was sustaining him. She
could not isolate any of the thousand emotions that were punching at her
heart, and as she stared at her son, she tried to see his future, and knew
she would do everything in her power to make it blessed.
"He's a very fine, very handsome boy," she heard Miss Mandy say, and nodded
in agreement. "We must think of a very special name for him."
Queen didn't even bother to look at Miss Mandy, for the matter was already
settled. He would be called David, which meant Beloved.
"I don't think that's entirely suitable," Miss Mandy said. Queen didn't
respond, because there wasn't anything to say. His name was David, and she
was feeding him. She wished the sisters would go away, so that she could be
alone with him, and welcome him in private, as mothers should, but Miss
Gippy was saying something, about King David, and Bathsheba, and adultery.
"We thought Abner," Miss Mandy said.
"Abner," Miss Gippy agreed. "A fine, biblical name."
Queen was puzzled. This had nothing to do with them. She
QUEEN 671
was very grateful to the- sisters for their many kindnesses, but the name of
the baby was not their business.
"His name is David," she said.
Miss Mandy thought she was being very difficult. She had taken Queen in,
when many might have thrown her onto the streets. She had looked after her
and delivered the baby. The very least Queen could do was to let her choose
the boy's name, and yet she seemed insistent on a name that remembered his
philandering father. Obviously, Miss Mandy sensibly decided, nothing was to
be gained by discussing it now. Queen was tired, and in an emotional state.
Miss Mandy had plenty of time, Abner didn't have to be christened for
several weeks, and Quee
n would see reason after some rest.
The sisters went about their business, to put sheets and towels in the wash
to soak, and then to say their separate private prayers, thanking God for
his many blessings, and at last, Queen was left alone with her boy.
He was asleep, safe in her loving arms, and she promised him she would do
her best by him, always. She told him how sorry she was that he didn't have
a pappy, but his pappy had important things to do in the world, and she
would be Mammy and Pappy for him.
And then, from somewhere deep in her soul, sweet music flooded forth from
her, wordless music that was her lullaby.
Six weeks later, in a simple, private ceremony arranged by the sisters at
the Lutheran Church, Queen watched with uplifting pride and listened with a
certain ambivalence as the minister sprinkled water on her baby's head and
christened him Abner.
78
Miss Mandy was trying to steal her baby. Queen was sure of it; there was
no other explanation. It hadn't been so obvious in the early days, the
first few weeks. There was the trouble over his name, but Queen had not
put up too much of a struggle about that. She didn't want to appear
ungrateful for everything the sisters had done for her, and if it pleased
them to call him Abner, it was only a name. Queen had compromised, in her
own mind, that he was Abner David, but as the weeks went on, common usage
prevailed, and now he was simply Abner.
From the very beginning Miss Mandy had been obsessive about the boy,
worrying about his health, his feeding times, and his food. She asked
questions that Queen thought were far too personal, about her diet, to
be sure that Abner was getting good milk. She would sit holding him for
hours while Queen worked. She talked to him endlessly about Jesus, and
told him Bible stories, even though he was too young to hear. She fretted
about him if he cried, and rocked him gently when he slept. She even
changed his soiled linen.
She would call for Queen when she thought Abner was hungry, and make
Queen feed him in front of her, which Queen didn't like. She had
protested the first time it happened.
"He's starving, Queen," Miss Mandy said. "Where have you been?"
"Pro'bly just got the burps," Queen replied. "He been fed. "
Miss Mandy referred to a notepad.
"That was four hours ago," she said. "I have it written down. "
Abner did seem to be snuggling into Miss Mandy's breast, as if he were
hungry. Queen felt the milk move in her breast.
672
QUEEN 673
Miss Mandy tickled Abner's chin, and made goo-goo eyes at him.
"Poor little baby's hungry, isn't he?" she clucked. "Nasty Mammy won't
feed him."
"I ain't nasty," Queen chided. She took Abner and made to leave the room.
"Do it here, Queen," Miss Mandy ordered. "You know I like to watch."
Queen knew that. In the first few days, while she was still in bed, Miss
Mandy had hardly left her room, fascinated by the boy, everything he did,
and everything that was done to him. It hadn't seemed to matter then, to
feed the baby in front of her. It was starting to matter now. She was
being allowed less and less time alone with her son.
"'Tain't fittin'," Queen said. "It's private business 'tween me and him."
Miss Mandy laughed. "It can't do him any harm. And it pleases me."
Queen, who had been trained all her life to obey orders, did not know how
to avoid the instruction. She sat in a chair by the window, opened her
blouse and bodice, and took out her breast.
Abner fed happily. Miss Mandy nodded her head as happily, and started to
sing a hymn.
It happened every mealtime from then on, except at night, and sometimes
even then. Miss Mandy would come into her room, without knocking, to
check that Abner was comfortable. She would adjust the blankets in his
cot, or make sure he was not wet, or rescue the pacifier she had bought
him from the place on the mantelshelf where Queen had put it, and give
it to Abner to suck.
She washed him and weighed him. She dressed him in clothes of her own
choosing, relegating the few that Queen had bought to the trash. She came
home one day with an expensive perambulator, and every afternoon she
would take him for a stroll in the garden while Queen worked, chatting
to him, or singing hymns. She began to teach him. She would point things
out to him, and say the name of them over and over again, and was sure
his gurgles signified recognition. Sometimes she would take him in the
pram for longer walks,
674 ALEX HALEY'S QUEEN
down the street, to introduce him to the new, wider world that awaited
him. She did all the things a mother would do, and left very little for
Queen.
Sometimes Queen protested, and then Miss Mandy would look aggrieved, and
say that she was only trying to keep Abner happy while Queen was working.
Queen's work was the excuse for everything, and Queen thought they
deliberately found more things for her to do to keep her away from her
baby.
Queen grieved for her lost hours with her son. What she had thought would
be hers, and hers alone, was hardly hers at all. Except at night, when
Miss Mandy had gone to bed, and then Queen would take her child from his
cot, and lie on her bed holding him to her, trying to make up for all the
time she had missed.
Curiously, Queen thought that Miss Gippy was on her side. Miss Gippy was
quite fond of Abner, but his crying distressed her. She often complained
of being wakened in the night. On several occasions she suggested that
Miss Mandy should give the boy to his mother. Sometimes when she came
into the kitchen to tell Queen that Miss Mandy wanted Abner fed, or be
looked after in some way, Queen would say it had been done, or that she
was busy, and Miss Gippy seemed to understand.
"I know," she said, "but you'd better go see what she wants." She, not
Abner.
On one occasion, Miss Gippy had told Miss Mandy that she was spending too
much time with Abner, and was neglecting her prayers and Bible studies.
Miss Mandy was angry then, and told Miss Gippy she didn't know what she
was talking about. Then she had even wept, and said that no one under-
stood what she was trying to do for the boy.
As Abner grew, the situation became worse. What was most difficult for
Queen to accept was that Abner seemed to prefer Miss Mandy to her. For
all the attention she gave the boy, Miss Mandy seldom disciplined him.
If he was fretful and crying, Miss Mandy would get irritated with him,
and call for Queen. It was Queen who had to introduce Abner to the word
I I no," not Miss Mandy. Because Queen was so often tired from her work,
she said "no" to Abner rather more than she
QUEEN 675
wanted, even though he was too little to fully understand the word. Miss
/> Mandy made jokes about it.
"Be careful, Abner," she would say, "or I'll send for nasty Mammy."
Queen lost her temper.
"I ain't nasty," she flared, not for the first time. "An' why don't you let
me decide what's best for my boy?"
"Because you don't have a very strong sense of responsibility, Queen," Miss
Mandy replied smugly. "If you did, Abner wouldn't be here, would he?"
Slowly it dawned on Queen that Abner always laughed and looked happy when
he was with Miss Mandy, and was always whimpering and difficult when he was
with Queen. It was more than she could bear,
On her afternoons off, Queen was allowed to take Abner with her on short
walks about the garden or down the back lane, but never into the streets or
into town, if Queen had to go shopping. Queen wanted to take Abner farther
afield, to the park, to be in the open air with her son, and had put him in
the pram once, but Miss Mandy stopped that.
"I cannot have you parading the proof of your sin in public, Queen," she
said.
"You parade him!" Queen shouted. "You take him everywhere! "
"That's different," Miss Mandy said. "He isn't my sin. I am saving his
soul."
That salvation was more like thievery, and that was when Queen decided Miss
Mandy was trying to steal her baby from her. She became frenetic with
Abner, clutching him to her in her room, hugging him, holding him,
whispering to him, begging him, desperate for some proof that he loved her.
It disturbed the boy, and made him cry even more. Queen was distressed
because.she didn't understand what she had done to make him cry so, and
would shout at him. Sometimes Miss Mandy heard her, and came in to see what
the fuss was about. Then Abner would stretch out his arms to Miss Mandy and
cry to go to her, and when she took him he would quiet down. On more than
one occasion, Miss Mandy threatened to move Abner's cot into her room if
Queen couldn't look after him better. They would argue about that, and
Queen would shout
676 ALEX HALEY'S QUEEN
at Miss Mandy, and that made Abner cry even more.
Yet sometimes, when she was not so tired, she would sing lullabies to him,
and he would smile and laugh at his mother, and stretch out his tiny hand
to her face, squeeze her nose gently, or pull on her hair, and it was sweet
and lovely to her.
She had to talk to someone about what was happening, but had few friends.
She never went to her own church, by agreement with the sisters, and seldom
saw Joyce, as the sisters had commanded. Now she missed Davis. If he had
stayed, she would not be in this predicament; he would have put Miss Mandy
in her place. Or if they had run away together, Miss Mandy would be only a
distant memory. Now she realized the depth of her love for Davis, for any
kind of life with him was preferable to any kind of life without him, for
the sake of their son. Now she was angry with Davis, for the boy needed a
father. He had mothers enough.
She went to Joyce. It had been three months since they had met. Joyce
hadn't changed, and was delighted to see Queen. Her warm, motherly embrace
brought all of Queen's frustrations wrenching to the surface, and she held
on to her friend for dear life, and wept. Joyce was astonished at the
flood.
"Chile, chile, whatever's wrong?" she comforted. Queen gulped away her
tears, and told Joyce the sad story.
"I ain't his mammy no more," she cried.
Joyce calmed her down, and stroked her hair.
"You gotta tell her, girl," she advised. "She cain't steal yo' baby. "
"That's what she's doin'," Queen agreed.
They talked it through, and Joyce decided Queen must leave the sisters'
employ, and find another job. She could come and stay with Joyce and her
family. Queen resisted mildly, for she knew she and Abner would be a
burden, but Joyce would have none of it. They were welcome for as long as
they needed. So Queen agreed,
"I'm leavin', quittin'," she told Miss Mandy, who was nursing Abner. "Me
an' Abner's goin'."
It was a wonderful moment. She thought she saw fear in Miss Mandy's eyes.