Great was her surprise when Grandma, after reaching the wall of the Wilanow cemetery, disappeared behind the gate.
Tereska accelerated her pace. Things had suddenly become intriguing. What could she be doing so late in the evening at this local cemetery? There was indeed their family tomb, but they went there every time on All Souls' Day to light the candles and lay fresh flowers on the grave, and no one made a secret of it. This time, however, her grandmother went to the other side of the cemetery and soon, she disappeared from sight.
Where had she gone?
For a long time, Tereska circulated those narrow alleys in the gathering dusk, until she finally found her.
Seeing a faint light in the distance, she came closer and after a few steps, she breathed a sigh of relief. Yes, it was her.
Granny stood over one of the graves at the end of the cemetery, just under the wall. The flickering flare on the burial plate mined from the darkness her profile - a tiny, hunched back covered with a black veil that waved gently in the breeze.
It was a picture poignantly beautiful and sad at the same time. Some grim tragedy seemed to be lurking in the darkness surrounding the place.
Involuntarily, Tereska took a few steps forward, slowly, quietly, so as not to disturb the silence.
"Come closer, my child," she heard all of a sudden.
She walked over and stood next to her grandmother. For a moment, she kept silent, staring at the flickering flame.
"Now you know," said the old woman. "Well, it’s good that it happened."
"Whose tomb is it?" asked Tereska.
"Janek Barski," grandmother replied. "The one I really loved. He died tragically. Because of me and through me. I have never forgiven myself for that. I cannot talk about it now, but one day, you will learn everything, I promise you. Who knows? Maybe it will keep you from committing my mistakes?"
Grandma went silent and all the way back; she did not say anything more. They walked together in silence down this country road, bats passing quickly over their heads, accompanying them after they crossed the cemetery gate. "Those are the souls of those who did not get to heaven?" Tereska wondered. "Or maybe they are already in heaven. Maybe for them, this is exactly heaven? Strange that somehow no one returns from there to tell us what it's like."
***
The years passed. Tereska’s mother finished extramural studies and received a dream job in Warsaw. Not only that, she married Mr. Sojka, who, thanks to the support of the communist party, was promoted to the municipal authorities and together, still thanks to the support of the communist party, they got an apartment in a newly built residential area. Tereska remained in the old apartment in Wilanow with her grandmother, preparing for her final exams. The Wilanow community ended up being abolished, and the Burgh Wilanow became attached to the city of Warsaw. As for Tomek, he no longer had time for breeding rabbits. He was busy studying at the Polytechnic Institute of Warsaw and continued repairing his motorcycle, Junak, which became his next passion.
Grandma died in the spring. She was already very old, and was buried in the family tomb at Wilanow cemetery. Before she died, she whispered to Tereska - Remember him - and of course, Tereska immediately realized whom she meant, so she visited the cemetery once a month, always on the fifteenth, continuing to fix two candles on two graves, one for Grandma and one for the unknown Janek Barski.
After the death of her grandmother, she looked in her old trunk. She found there a couple of thoroughly worn black dresses, hats and veil, but there was something else, as well.
A diary, written without a doubt by her grandmother’s hand. The handwriting was nice and neat, but a little haphazardly, without too many dates or explanations, the chronological record of events interrupted sometimes with a cryptic exclamation point or a question mark.
At the end of the diary, between its last pages, Tereska found the letter. It was undoubtedly written by a male hand and began with the words: "My Dear." Tereska put it down on the table and opened the diary on the first page.
***
"Why just today I started to write this diary I do not know. But maybe that's why, because today I found out something strange and I still do not know if I can believe it. Yesterday morning, I went over to the stream, to watch tadpoles swimming in the shallow water. And then, a boy came up to me and we watched the tadpoles together. After some time, he caught one, scooping it in his hands, and showed it to me up close. It was very funny. Then he said that when the tadpoles become adults, their tails would fall off and they would change into ordinary frogs, such as those who were jumping on the meadow.
I told him it was rude to lie, but he said he knew everything. He was the son of our state administrator and he was already attending the country school.
Then he said something even more terrible. He said that some unkind people also had tails.
I did not believe him. He was surprised that such a big girl like me did not know about tadpoles. Probably because I do not go to the school. He knows everything from his school.
I would like to ask my governess about it, but I'm too ashamed. I wonder if my governess knows about tadpoles.”
***
The first diary entries were written with a quite childish handwriting, using violet ink.
***
"Today was my birthday. I received a gift, wonderful gift - Pony, a small horse. At first, I was afraid of him, but he is very polite and does not bite. And he lets me stroke his chin.
The groom put the saddle on him and I rode around the courtyard. Konik, as I named him, which means just a small horse in Polish. I like him so much, but he is not allowed to sleep in my room. He must sleep in the barn, along with the large horses. Janek said that Konik will never grow bigger, and that he knows this from his school. Janek is the boy who told me about the tadpoles. My governess is stupid. Even Konik recognized that and tried to kick her.
She said of him in French: “Une bête méchante.” I also wanted to kick her for this. She is the bête méchante. Not familiar with ponies, not familiar with the tadpoles either. I wonder if she went to school at all?”
***
"I love Konik very much. I ride him every afternoon. Janek assumes the reins and guards me so I don’t fall off. I keep getting better and better and they say that when I get bigger, I can ride a real horse. I do not like that idea. It is as if my Konik isn’t real. I do not want any other. "
***
"Today, I fell into the pond. I did not drown because the water was shallow, but I wet my dress and got very scared. If it was deep, I would have drowned. Janek pulled me out and my mother gave him a chocolate as a reward. Konik also would have saved me I think, but when it happened, he was in the stable. Janek had to promise my mother that he would be careful watching me around. He is two years older than me and bigger, and besides, he goes to a real school every morning with the other children. I wonder why I cannot go to the country school like the others. Maybe the school is too expensive?"
***
"Janek told me once that there was a wounded insurgent hiding in our barn and that if another uprising came, then he would borrow a pony from me and join the insurgents.
If he wants to, he can do it, but I’ll never let him take away my Konik. They could kill him over there. Anyway, Janek would not be accepted because he is still too small. Konik would also probably not be accepted for the same reason.
It was the January Uprising, about the insurgent hiding in our barn, nobody was allowed to say a word. Apparently, in the village, gendarmes then searched all the buildings. Janek heard it all from his father. He also told me that if he was already born at the time, the uprising would have been won. I think he is right. He is very brave.
Somewhere around, the battle took place. Jack showed me the pistol he found there, the rusty iron pipe with a wooden handle. He hid it in the hay as it could be handy for the next uprising, when he grew up. Apparently, they do not accept the girls to join the uprisings, even if they have a pony
. Let them be. I will not beg them for acceptance. "
***
"I learned that when the January Uprising collapsed, Romuald Traugutt and other leaders were sentenced to death at the Citadel. I told Janek that I would not let him go to the next war, even if he was already grown up. Oddly, he looked at me and told me not to be afraid. He will not leave me with that governess, who does not know even about ponies."
***
"I have not written a word in a long time, and time passes. Konik is getting smaller or perhaps I'm getting bigger. I do not know what is more true. Mom said that next year, I will go to the private school for girls in Warsaw. The school is located in a beautiful park and surrounded by a tall iron fence. Papa does not want to agree. He thinks I should just be educated at home. Mom thinks that here, I do not have suitable company. She believes that I spend too much time with the son of the administrator, who is only interested in the horses in the stables, which was as it should be. She says I need to have my own circle of friends, that I am already too big for homestead familiarities. I don’t think so, but this school has me really excited.
It is a school for well-born girls. I was a little glad, and a little worried. Finally, I will be in a real school. I’ll have a lot of girlfriends, but I could not take my Konik over there. Janek also will stay here. I do not know whom I will miss more. But it is still far away. A whole year is like an eternity."
***
Tereska set aside the diary of her grandmother. She wondered how little she knew about that time. Her grandmother rarely talked about her childhood and her youth. She thought about coincidences that occurred in their lives. The meeting with the boy at the same stream. You can see the tadpoles had been there forever. Janek was interested in horses, Tomek in motorcycles. Grandma went to Warsaw, to a private school. Tereska was planning her studies in Warsaw also. She wondered what this year would bring her?
After the death of Grandmother, her mother wanted to take her to her apartment, but Tereska definitely refused. She did not like to live together with her mother and Mr. Sojka under the same roof. He always tried to be very polite, but for her, he remained forever a stranger. Moreover, Tereska was almost an adult and soon, she would have the right to exist as a lawful resident of this small apartment. Soon after, she would begin studying at the Polytechnic School, as Tomek was doing, mostly to show him that she was just as good as him, although her Mom insisted that she should have chosen economic faculty. But Tereska knew it was not for her, that it was boring.
Engineering, now that was interesting, such as the construction of bridges, which would stand about a hundred years or longer. And everyone would remember who built it. And the economist? He fills several volumes with numbers during his life and no one knows about him. Little exciting. She would build such bridges, like no other ever built, and on each bridge she would have a plate with her name on it. And when Tomek passed her bridge on his Junak motorcycle, every time he would have to read it, whether or not he wanted to.
Some other guys also had bikes, and also invited her for a ride. But Tereska did not want to go with any of them. She only had confidence in Tomek. With those others, she had nothing to talk about. They were stupid and boring.
Often, Tereska wondered: “Was it interesting attending a private school before the war?” She would have to return to her grandmother 's diary when she had some free time to find the answer, but for now, there was a lot of work to do. Her high school final exams were approaching so rapidly.
***
She got her high school diploma with no problem. The Polytechnic School Admission Exams also went perfectly well. She chose the Faculty of Civil Engineering, with her specialization to be selected only in her second year. She would, of course, choose the construction of roads and bridges.
Other than that, something important happened. After graduating from high school, she organized a private party, at her place of course, since she was the only one of the whole class who had her own place. Tomek was also invited. They drank a lot of wine and it felt very good trying to behave like adults, smoking cigarettes and kissing. The only thing was when everyone had gone home, she and Tomek found themselves suddenly in her bed, and suddenly, it happened. Until then, Tomek had just been a friend, no more nor less. Now what? What was she going to do now? What to do?
Tomek put on a smile, pretending to know what they did and that it didn’t bother him, but she saw from his reaction that he was pretty scared. The day after, he brought her flowers and tried to explain. She tried to calm him down, but she was also anxious. She told him that it was not his fault that they were both under the influence of alcohol and so on. Besides, it happened only once and now, it was over. But when Tereska passed the entrance examinations to Polytechnic School, he again brought her the flowers and wine. And again, they found themselves in her bed without knowing how. Damn!
Does a person have the right to know what is happening to him? Theoretically, yes, but not always as you see.
Sometimes, some things happen by themselves whether we like it or not. And she still wanted it, more and more. They decided to get married as soon as Tomek finished his studies. In the meantime, they would leave things as they were. This notion calmed them down somehow, but since then, Tomek has begun to neglect his baby, his Junak motorcycle.
***
"We came to Warsaw in Papa’s automobile. Stanislaw sat behind the wheel. He had a large face, a bushy mustache and a driver’s cap with a lacquered lid. When we passed the horse carts, Stanislaw slowed down and loudly trumpeted, trying to tell them to get out of the road.
He did not trumpet at the flock of geese, those were not important enough and I suppose the geese thought the same about us, because they hardly listened and we nearly crashed into one of them. Stupid goose. Fortunately, she jumped out of the front of our automobile in time.
I was happy and sad at the same time. Before leaving home, I said goodbye to my Konik, gave him sugar cubes and long stroked his velvety muzzle. But I didn’t say goodbye to Janek. In the morning, he disappeared, even though he knew that I was going to school, and this for a long time. I suspect that he hid somewhere, so as not to see my departure. Maybe that was better. We would probably both have just wept.
Warsaw is not far from Wilanow. Before noon, we were in the courtyard of the school. In addition to our auto, three others were still in the driveway and one small carriage, as well. Stanislaw untied my trunk, which was attached to the back of our auto, and two servants carried it to my room. With both my parents, I went to the office of Ms. Wisniewska, headmistress of the school, a very nice lady. After presenting me, my parents had to return to Wilanow. And here a tragedy happened: I started to cry like a child. Then my mother wept too. Even Papa looked uncomfortable.
Ms. Wisniewska comforted us, saying that it was normal and that almost all the girls cry for the first time. Then we had to really say goodbye. My parents went out to the courtyard and I went with my preceptress, Ms. Wieslawa, to my room where my trunk was waiting for me as well as Stasia, my roommate for my first year. I was told that the new girl has always lived with one of the older ones in order to facilitate the introduction of the new one to the school rules."
***
The next few diary entries, made (as a result of the content) rather irregularly, talked about life in a boarding school, about the school itself, new friendships and new girlfriends. Tereska read aloud now, as Tomek, who was already in her apartment as a “permanent guest" listened with equal interest. From time to time, they both commented on this other life, both of them taken aback by it, as if they were viewing an old, pre-war movie, something which we do not know is true or just a figment of the filmmaker’s imagination to stimulate the curiosity of the viewer.
Most of the entries were not too interesting, but there were parts of quite special importance.
***
"And here, we have Christmas. So far, my mother has visited me at the guesthouse of my school once a week, somet
imes two, but now I could go home for two whole weeks. It was the worst holiday in my life so far. Mom, all the way home, spoke about matters of no importance. I knew she was hiding something. It was not until we drove to our property that she dared to say that my pony was dead. After I left, it stopped eating and died despite the efforts of the vet who even kept him company in his pen in the barn at night. For so many months, she hid it from me, but it was no longer possible. I felt devastated. I left my best friend and let him die from longing for me. I felt bad and unworthy.
But I tried as I could not to fall to pieces. I was no longer a kid, after all. After greeting everyone and after hearing a hundred times how I had grown up and become more beautiful, I stealthily ran to the barn and leaned over the pen of Konik. Then everything inside me snapped. I cried and cried and I could not get it under my control. I remembered all the beautiful moments we'd been through, like the first time I got on him and how he tried to kick my stupid governess.
Then, someone touched my back. I turned around. It was Janek. Same as usual, but a little different, somewhat taller and almost an adult.
“He couldn't make it,” he said “he died of love for you.”
And then I cried again, leaning my head on his chest and after a while, we both cried like beavers embracing, standing. He began to stroke my hair for comfort, and then kissed the tears from my cheeks. Suddenly, I felt something strange, so I turned quickly and ran to the palace, to my room, closed the door and didn’t appear downstairs until the next morning."