I considered getting rid of the cereal in my bag to make more room for supplies, but quickly discarded the notion. There was no telling when we would find food again. We would have to make due with what room we had. Lloyd awkwardly lifted the smallest analyzer in the room; he looked completely annoyed by the bulky piece of equipment as he pushed it into his large pack. It didn’t fit well, and he wasn’t able to completely zip it closed, but it was still better than having his hands occupied with carrying the thing.
We spent another ten minutes grabbing and packing away as much as we could. I knew we were leaving something behind, but there was only so much we could take, and only so long we could stay within these haunted walls. I hated this place.
We made our way slowly back out of the building, far more subdued than we had been upon entering. Far less optimistic, even though we had nearly succeeded in our mission. Lloyd radioed Darnell; they arranged a meeting place in four days. I thought I should feel more joy over being reunited with my brother and sister, I found none. In my mind I could still hear the distant ding of the elevator opening and closing on the ruined body of the small boy.
The rancid smell of that place clung to me. The blessed sting of a hot shower would feel wonderful right now, but that was a pipe dream, and one that I didn’t expect to have come true anytime soon. I settled against a small maple, drawing my knees up to my chest as I rested my chin on top of them. I had volunteered to take the first watch; I’d spent most of the day unconscious after all.
It wasn’t long before Bret’s soft snores started to fill the air. I sat for awhile, trying not to think, yet unable to shut my mind off. My mind wouldn’t stop running, tripping, screaming along at full speed. Unable to sit still any longer I bolted to my feet. Barney opened one eye to watch me for a moment before yawning and drifting off to sleep again.
I paced anxiously through the woods, moving in a small circle through the trees. I felt like a caged tiger, antsy, trapped, cornered in a place that I didn’t want to be. I was beaten, battle weary, every part of my body ached. I wanted it all to end, but there seemed to be no end in sight.
I fought against the depression and hopelessness threatening to bury me within their rolling grasps, but for a moment the futility of the whole situation overwhelmed me. Even if Bishop could find some miracle cure within my blood, how did we defeat them? They knew all of our weaknesses and we knew none of theirs. Their creatures could be killed with bullets, but it took a lot to take one of them down, and it was nearly impossible to take down two or three of them at a time without losing people in the process.
I supposed bombs or dynamite would be better, and one of the soldiers might know how to use them, but how did we get a hold of explosives? And even if we did get them, they would help with the creatures, but the aliens wouldn’t leave their ships. Or at least I didn’t think they had left them since this whole debacle had started. They probably wouldn’t until they felt it was safer for them to come down here. They were human in appearance, though they didn’t have human compassion or even an ounce of sympathy, it would be easier for our bullets to take them down and they were aware of that fact.
No, they would not come down here. They would leave their dirty work to the damn things stalking and destroying us and taking from us. Was this it then? Was this all that we would ever have until they discovered us? Until they killed us?
The body of the mangled boy flashed through my mind. What they had done to him had been brutal, violent, and spiteful. They had made him pay for surviving The Freezing. They would make us pay even worse for fighting them. What had they done to Cade?
My head bowed beneath the weight of my thoughts. I couldn’t think about what they had done to him, couldn’t think about how awful his last moments must have been. I would snap if I did, I would lose my mind, my sanity, if I allowed myself to think about it him suffering for too long. I would shatter into a thousand different pieces, none of them fixable if I did.
“Bethany?” I turned slightly toward Bret, not fully able to meet his gaze. I was afraid he would see too much of my thoughts if I looked at him. And I didn’t want him to know just how desolate I felt right now. “Are you ok?”
I managed a small nod. I wanted to offer him a small smile, but I couldn’t bring myself to do even that. He rested his hand on my shoulder as he came to stand beside me. I thought I should move away from his touch, but it felt good to have the comfort of another human being. There weren’t many of us left. “I miss Abby and Aiden.”
Bret was silent for a long moment and then his hand tightened upon my shoulder. “And him.”
I closed my eyes for a long moment before turning slowly back to him. Bret had always possessed a youthful air of optimism and innocence that was both endearing and captivating. In this moment he appeared far wearier, far more battle worn than I had ever expected to see him. He had aged so much in the past month. He was not the young boy who had been my boyfriend, not even the young man that had been my friend. It wasn’t just the dark circles under his eyes, but also the dark light that now haunted them. I wondered what I appeared like to him now, how haunted, beaten, and aged I must seem too.
“Yes, and him,” I breathed, the pain in my chest making it difficult to get the words out.
I winced, hating myself as something shifted and changed within Bret’s eyes. Pain bloomed in his gaze, but there was something more, something else coming to life within his caring eyes. “I thought it was just a whim, just the heat of the moment, and the fear of death that brought the two of you together. But it was more, wasn’t it?”
I was finding it hard to breathe. “Yes. I never meant to hurt you Bret. I never wanted to hurt you. I love you.”
“I know that. But not in the same way that you love him.”
I didn’t want to respond to that, there wasn’t anything that I could say to make any of this better. We had all been hurt, all been wounded, I didn’t want the pain to continue, but it had only been a matter of time before we had this conversation, and it was passed time to get it over with. “No, it’s not.”
“You’re not in love with me.”
“No, I’m not.”
“You never were.”
“I’m sorry Bret. You deserve better, you deserve someone who can give you what you need. And I can’t. That part of me is gone.”
He was silent for a long moment. “It doesn’t have to be.”
He pushed back a strand of my hair as it fell across my face. His fingers lingered on my cheek for a long moment. “Bret…”
“I’m not saying for me Bethany,” he assured me quickly. “I get that it’s not going to be us, I understand that now. Maybe one day you’ll be able to find someone that may not take his place, but that you might love again.”
I couldn’t stop the single tear that slipped free. His words were reasonable, they made sense, but I knew they were wrong. I could live another fifty years (the way things were going it was unlikely), but in those fifty years there would never be someone to take Cade’s place. I didn’t have a heart left to give to someone else.
“I am sorry Bret. I do love you.”
He smiled wanly and stroked my cheek one last time before letting me go. “I know you do, and though I’m working on changing my view of our relationship, I will always love you too.”
I smiled as I wrapped my arms around his waist and hugged him tightly. He held me close for a long moment before releasing me. “I’m sorry you’re hurting so badly.”
“I’m sorry I hurt you.” He ran a hand through his ruffled blond locks, trying to hide his chagrin at my words. “Jenna is actually a really nice person. She’s different than the way she used to be.”
Bret shrugged absently, his eyes were distant. “She’s handling all this better than I’d thought she would.” He was still obtuse to Jenna’s feelings for him but I thought with some gentle nudging, and a little time, he would eventually come around. “We should wake the others; the sun’s going to be up soon.”
>
I watched him as he walked back toward Jenna and Lloyd. I felt a little better, a little lighter as some of my burden was lifted from my shoulders. There were many others to carry still, but I was certain that we could all get through them together.
***
“Bethany!” Abby squealed as she raced at me. She flung herself against me with enough force to knock me back a good foot. Her small arms wrapped around my waist as she clung to me, clinging with the tenacity of a burr.
I inhaled a pain filled breath. Before entering the new camp I had slipped Bret’s shirt on. It chafed and irritated as it rubbed against my barely healed burn, but I did not want Abby to see the wound. She would only become frightened, and I sure as hell didn’t want her to know how it had come about. Unfortunately though, she couldn’t see that I was wounded, and took no care as she shook me. Hissing a pain filled breath from between my teeth, I managed to hug her back. I reveled in the feel of her small body against mine. Shifting slightly, I was able to ease some of the pressure she was putting on my wounded shoulder. “I’m so glad you’re back!”
“Me too.”
“We were so worried! You were gone for so long!”
“I know, but we’re ok.”
“You didn’t find any survivors?”
I shook my head, trying not to think about the things we had found. “No, but Jenna’s family is still alive, or at least they were.”
“How do you know that?”
I untangled myself from her, but kept my good arm draped around her shoulder as we made our way toward the dilapidated barn the survivors had taken up residence in yesterday. There was a small farmhouse beside it, and that was where Abby was steering me. “I’ll explain later.”
She wasn’t too upset about my delay in telling her anything. “You’ll love this place Bethy, it has hot water.”
My heart leapt eagerly into my throat. “It does?”
“Yep, it’s great!”
It was more than great; it was the best thing I’d heard in days. “Yes it is,” I agreed as she led me up the porch steps.
Aiden came bursting out the door as we reached the porch. Relief filled his face as he embraced me tightly also unaware of my injury. I tried to twist in his grasp but he held me tight as he lifted me slightly off the ground. I’d have to make sure he didn’t do it again, but I couldn’t tell him that in front of Abby. “You had us worried for awhile there.”
I smiled at him as I finally managed to break free of his grasp and removed the bag gingerly from my back. “We brought you some presents.”
His grin widened as he took the heavy bag from me. “I like presents.”
“I know you do.”
I followed him into the house, nodding greetings to some of the people that I recognized. It seemed as if the group had thinned down even more. I was sure I’d hear the reason for why, but I wasn’t ready for it now. Now I simply wanted to enjoy being with my family again, and a wonderfully hot, long shower. Molly grinned at me and waved energetically with a ball of dough clutched in her hand. I waved back as we moved past the kitchen and down the hall. The house had an old feel to it but it was in exceptional condition with fresh paint, and bright sunny rooms that had a homey quality that helped me to relax. For a moment I could almost feel safe again.
Aiden led us onto the back porch that was enclosed with giant panels of glass. The sun glinted off the glass and lit the dancing field of grass and wildflowers that rolled through the backyard. I took a moment to stop and admiring the soft beauty before me. It may not be the world I had always known anymore, but its beauty could still rob me of my breath. It could still awe me completely.
My eyes were drawn from the field as Aiden stepped past me into the room. Furniture had been shoved to the side and tables placed about. It seemed that Bishop had not expected us to fail in our mission and was well prepared for us. Bishop looked up at us, breaking into a bright grin as he shoved his glasses further up his nose. “It’s good to see you.”
“You too.” My eyes were drawn back to the windows though. “Beautiful.”
“It is,” Bishop agreed but he was already going through the bags that had been placed on one of the tables. “You guys did great. Was it difficult?”
I didn’t feel like answering that question and apparently neither did Jenna, Bret, or Lloyd as they all remained silent. Bishop wasn’t overly concerned about an answer either as he was now eagerly pawing through Lloyd’s bag. There was so much to discuss, so much to learn and do, but all I really wanted was a hot shower and maybe even a real bed if one was available. We could talk about everything later, but for right now I just wanted the simple comforts of home. I didn’t think it was too much to ask for.
CHAPTER 10
It was the first time in a long time that I was not completely filthy. I was clean; my hair was neatly brushed into a ponytail and back to its soft honey hue. My stomach rumbled slightly, but for some reason the thought of food made my stomach turn. I was worried that I might be getting sick, but I felt perfectly fine. I was still sore and slightly bone weary, but I didn’t feel ill. My appetite would come back soon; it was just buried beneath my lingering anxiety, fear, and disquiet. I had tried to take a nap, but even though the mattress was soft and the pillows inviting, sleep eluded me. I sometimes wondered if I would ever sleep normally again.
I studied my reflection in the mirror, unsure of the person staring back at me. She looked harder, older, and wiser than her seventeen years. My seventeen years. My eyes, once a sparkling bright blue, were haunted. They didn’t appear to be my eyes. Not anymore. These eyes belonged to a woman, one who had seen far too much, and experienced far more than she had wanted to in her lifetime.
My lifetime.
I had to keep reminding myself that though I did not recognize her, the woman staring back at me was actually me. I gently touched the corners of my eyes, understanding that it was my fingers touching them, but still oddly disassociated with my reflection. Gone was the young girl of only a month ago.
This woman was harder, with more pronounced cheekbones and lean muscles honed by lack of food, exercise, and training. I wanted to weep at the sight of me, but there were no tears. Not anymore. I pulled the sleeve of my shirt down, frowning at the sight of the wound marring my shoulder. It was healing well, and so far I didn’t feel anything crawling beneath my skin trying to take me over. It would just be another scar to match the scars that still marred my hip and thigh from when that thing on the beach had grabbed me. Scars I would always bare to remind me of Cade’s death, of his sacrifice for me, and of my hatred for our enemies. It could have been much worse, I reminded myself, but it did little to ease the sorrow swarming within me.
So many changes, so fast. So much lost. So much that could never be regained.
I rested my hand on the glass, pressing my palm flat against its cool surface. I didn’t recognize the person staring back at me; I didn’t recognize the person living within my skin. Harder, that was the only word I could think of. Just harder. That’s what she was. What I was.
I knew that I had to be harder to survive, we all did, but this hard? This cold? Abby still exuded innocence, Aiden still managed to smile with ease, Bishop was still excited by the prospect of learning, and even Bret retained some of his eternal optimism. And me, well I had nothing left of the girl I had once been. I was empty, out of sorts, callous. I retained love for my family and friends, but I wasn’t so sure I even liked myself anymore.
How could anyone like me anymore?
I sighed, my shoulders collapsed beneath the weight of my thoughts. I pushed back a lock of my hair. I needed to get out of here, needed to escape if only for an hour or two. I needed to be alone. Though I knew it was impossible, what I truly wanted was to escape myself, to flee from the stranger staring back at me. To shed her like a snake sheds skin.
I pulled my sleeve back up, covering the wound as I thought over the layout of the house. It was funny, the world’s population had been drasti
cally reduced, yet I never had a chance to be alone for long anymore. There was little privacy in this world, and only one chance to escape.
I slipped two pistols into my waistband. Unfortunately, my rifle had been left downstairs. There was no way that I could retrieve it without being seen, and stopped. Shoving the window open I peered down at the ground. It was the second story, but if I hung out the window it wouldn’t be that far of a drop to the long grass below. A month ago I never would have contemplated such an action, I would have most certainly broken my ankles, now I had no fear that such a thing would happen, I was agile enough to pull this off.
I wiggled out the window, grasping the sill with both my hands before releasing it and dropping to the earth. I rolled upon landing, softening the impact. Swiftly regaining my feet, I quickly scanned the area and bolted for the woods. I took pleasure in the act of running, took pleasure in the freedom of the moment. Something inside of me seemed to spring forth, twisting and growing as I plunged into the forest.
Joy filtered through me as I ran, jumping and darting, avoiding obstacles with a grace that I had never possessed until this moment. I didn’t stop to think about that, didn’t pause to wonder how on earth I hadn’t managed to kill myself yet in this heedless dash. I just ran until I couldn’t breathe, until my legs hurt so bad I could hardly take it, and then I ran some more.
I was free.
And I wasn’t going to stop, not now. If it had been physically possible I never would have stopped. But I couldn’t run forever, something that my body was firmly reminding me of now. I fell, tried to climb back to my feet, but the exhaustion of my muscles finally outweighed my intense desire for flight. I fell back to the ground, my fingers dug into the leaves and pine needles beneath me as I panted rapidly. For a moment, as I lay there, inhaling the musty scent of decaying leaves and wet earth, I found peace. I found comfort in my world, my Earth.