crashed onto the roof of a house.
“Ooh!” both Darrin and Derrick groaned. Derrick added, “That’s gotta hurt.”
Superkid grabbed the peak of the roof to keep from rolling off. He coughed and groaned, “Ouch.”
The eight-legged monster stomped over to him. It grinned at him and said, “Want another dose?”
Superkid groaned as he twisted to face the gargantuan menace. He wheezed, “Just give me a minute.” He twisted himself until his back popped. Then he grinned and said, “Okay, now I’m ready.”
The spider scowled. This kid was stupider than it thought. Apparently he did need another dose. So the spider swiped his leg through the house to bring it down where it would bury the smart-aleck half-pint.
The smart-aleck half-pint had a different plan, however. As the house started to crumble, he leaped onto the massive arachnid’s face. It stumbled backward in surprise and fell onto its behind.
“Aaaaaaack!” the spider yelled in pain. And no, landing on your hindquarters probably isn’t that painful, but if we consider the anatomy of a spider, you’ll realize its legs are not designed to allow it to sit, hence the scream of pain.
It scrambled to its feet (which we remember it doesn’t actually have) and began shaking its head furiously. Superkid kept a tight grip on its head.
“Get off!” it growled. “I can’t see!”
“A disadvantage to you,” our hero countered, “is an advantage to me.”
“I’ll smash you into a house then!” it roared and scuttled forward.
Superkid glanced behind himself, muttered, “Oh crap” and dropped from the spider’s face.
And just in the nick of time because a second later the colossal critter’s face smashed through the house. It struggled with its head in the jagged hole until it finally pulled away. A snazzy stucco collar came with it, but the spider didn’t appreciate it too much. Itched too much, I guess. The giant arachnid punched the collar off and then spun around to locate that annoying kid. It found him posed in a wrestling stance and giving it an annoying grin.
“That’s it!” it snapped. “No more games! I’m ending this!” And in so ending the game, it aimed its end at our vertically challenged friend. His eyes darted to the spinnerets and he muttered, “Oh crap.”
White sticky ropes shot out of the spinnerets and hit him right in the stomach. He gasped and bent over, clutching his stomach. The spider fired another shot of webbing that struck his head and sent him skidding down the street.
“Come on!” cried a voice. “You can do it!”
Darrin and Derrick, who had believed themselves the only spectators, saw people coming out to their yards to watch Superkid’s battle with the behemoth.
“Yeah!” another yelled. “You beat its ugly butt!”
“Good advice!” Superkid yelled back as he tried to pull the sticky wads of webbing off of his head, “because that appears to be its most dangerous asset!”
The spectators got quite a kick out of that. They were doubled over and gasping for breath because they were laughing so hard. The hairy arachnid wasn’t quite so amused. It growled as it stomped over to our hero, “All right, wise-guy. We’ll see who’s laughing after my ‘asset’ squashes you flat!”
Superkid saw what the monstrous crawler was planning and struggled harder. “Wait! I’ve nearly got it. Just give me one more…” But when he saw that the spider wasn’t going to wait for him and was raising its leg, he darted under it. He was a little confused and couldn’t clearly see where he was going. This was how he ended up slamming into one of the hairy behemoth’s leg. To add insult to injury, when he tried to pull away, he found that the webbing on his stomach had tangled in the hairs of the spider’s leg.
“Well this is a fine mess,” he grumbled.
The evil critter tried to shake the fearless boy off its leg, but he was stuck fast. So then it reached with its foreleg to try to scrape Superkid off. Superkid leaned back, dodging the leg so that it became stuck inside the webbing that held our pint-sized hero fast.
“Aaaaaaargh!” the evil arachnid stumbled. It spread its other legs wide, almost bridging the street. The spectators watching on their lawns backed away in revulsion—the spider hadn’t shaved its legs in years!
But the evil critter didn’t care about their opinion. It liked its legs just the way they were. Besides, it had more pressing problems like the smart-mouth stuck to its leg. It swiveled its head down and grumbled at the super kid, “You’re turning out to be more trouble than you’re worth.”
“Thank you,” said Superkid and flashed the spider a grin.
“Don’t be so smug, kid. As soon as I get my leg out, I’m squashing you like a bug.” And with that dire promise, it tugged its leg. This endeavor was rewarded with the sound of fibers snapping. Encouraged, the spider tugged harder. More fibers snapped and the spider’s leg got a few inches. Taking advantage of the room, the spider tucked its leg in and then suddenly snapped it away.
This did the trick. The behemoth’s hairy leg was free but so was its nuisance. The young hero flew through the critter’s legs and landed on one of the spectators.
The diabolical spider made its way toward Superkid with murderous intent gleaming in its eye. Our hero immediately jumped to his feet and ran toward the monster.
“What are you doing?!” people cried.
Superkid had no time to explain. As he ran toward the spider, it lifted its leg and stabbed at him. He dodged with a leap to the right and then jumped onto its second leg. The spider shook the leg vigorously but Superkid kept his grip
Then it began spinning in a circle, throwing out its legs in a crazy tarantella (which is kind of funny if you know what a tarantella is) in an attempt to throw our youthful vigilante off, but still he kept his grip. So the diabolical spider spun faster but our hero gripped tighter. It spun faster still and he gripped tighter still. Faster it spun, tighter he gripped. Faster—and tighter. Faster and faster—tighter and tighter…
…until finally, the spider dropped from sheer exhaustion and lied there dizzy. Superkid rolled off and then lied there also, not feeling too well himself. But he was soon on his feet again (though staggering a little) and he made his way to the dizzy behemoth’s face. When he was sure the spider could see him, he adopted a wide stance, planted his fists on his hips, and flashed the spider a wide grin. “Ready to give up?”
“Only when you’re tall enough to play basketball,” the monster retorted.
“That’s a long time to wait,” said Superkid, “but let’s see if I can make you change it to a sooner time.” Then he climbed onto the spider’s head, being sure to step on all the sensitive sensory organs. From there, he climbed onto the spider’s bulbous rear end, sat down, and then kicked its flanks with a cry, “Hidey ho, Silver!”
Rage fueled the titanic arachnid when it leaped to its feet, roared, “I’ll ‘hidey ho, Silver’ you!” and then reared back as far as it could. Superkid clung to its hairy back and yelled, “Yee haw!”
This only enraged the behemoth further. It bucked and reared and twisted itself every which way but the super kid had a super grip.
Now it seemed like Superkid was just winging things and having the time of his life while he was at it, but he was actually formulating a plan to beat this monster and chase it out of town to protect its citizens. As the monster bucked and reared, he thought, If it’s not careful, this spider could fall onto its back! And that’s what gave him the brilliant idea. Of course, he was in an excellent position to tip the balance (literally). All he had to do was shift his weight and down would come creepy, eight legs and all.
So when it dropped to its feet (the metaphorical ones), he allowed himself to slide forward. Then he gripped the hair on its back as it reared back again. Then it dropped again and he slid forward to where he could now grip its neck. He wrapped his arms around the neck and held tight.
The gargantuan critter reared back one last time and suddenly realized that it had too much top weight a
nd flailed its arms (oh, now I’m confusing its legs for arms!) for balance. To make sure that the spider would topple, Superkid, still gripping the beast’s neck, threw himself backwards.
The plan worked. Down came the crawler onto its back. Superkid kicked himself off the spider just before impact, tumbling onto the asphalt. He got a few scrapes and bruises but he was beaming with pride when he saw that his monstrous foe was on its back, desperately flailing its eight legs in the air.
It grunted and groaned as it kicked its legs and rolled its body but to no avail. It was helpless.
“Curse you, Superkid!” it roared.
“And the big and hairy spider,” the young hero sang with much aplomb, “was beaten by Superkiiiiiid!”
The good citizens of Poolington all clapped and cheered their hero, who had saved the day. Newspaper reporters suddenly appeared by his side to document this incredible story.
“How did you beat the giant spider?” one of them asked, her pencil poised above her notepad.
“Didn’t you see what happened?” our hero asked in surprise. Then he answered, “With determination, courage, and a little dumb luck.”
Another reporter asked, “How do you feel after defeating that monster?” He pointed with his pen at the monster, which was still rocking futilely and cursing articulately.
“Like I’m living up to my name,” the young hero replied, puffing out his chest.
“And what is your name?” yet another