"How about a hot drink?" one of the females asked. She looked as if she could skin an adult lion with her teeth. Smiling, I went to the range and poured the coffee.
"Travelers, Cora says," the woman said.
I presumed she meant my companions and myself. "Yes," I answered. "Dreadful weather isn't it."
She sat down with a grunt, in my seat, and took one of my cigarettes, offering the packet to her companions. This is, of course, normal behavior in Gimrah where everyone shares everything. They have no petty rules of etiquette. I sat down with the others and we ended up talking about Fallsend. Ghoulish curiosity on their part, but they were neither censurious nor shocked. I like these people. After a while, Cora brought the Hafener in. I half expected his people to stand up, but they didn't. He's not tall, but appears to be; the mark of true nobility.
"Are you ill?" he asked me. "You're not working with the others."
Because of that, I found myself offering to help with the feeds that evening, but my heart wasn't in it. I'm working on half-power, half of my brain is trying to sleep because it's too afraid to be awake. On the morning after my dream about Zack (I won't admit it was anything but a dream), I looked out of the bedroom window and found the yard utterly cleared of snow. I was the first up too. Explain that. Kruin is worried about me, as if he's afraid I'll damage myself. Panthera is aloof. I think he's decided I must be some kind of criminal, and a drunken one at that. I know I do drink too much, but who cares! Anyway, I need it and I deserve it. Yes, I know I'm letting myself go. This is a defiance. Perhaps Pell will leave me alone if I'm no longer desirable. As Elveny said, beauty alone is not enough. If that's all I've got, let's see what happens without it. It's frightening that I'm thinking like this. I always used to be so strong, so impermeable. Have they done something to me? I can't help thinking of Terzian again. Am I suffering the same fate? Time for another drink. Cora has been feeding me all kinds of concoctions in a desperate attempt to improve my
health. She thinks I picked up some kind of infection on the road. She has also started watering the wine, I notice. If I look out of the window now, I can see Panthera playing with Cora's children in the snow. He has been created to torment me, I'm sure. He is dressed in furs and his mane of dark hair is laced with snow. Now I am aching to hold him close, because he reminds me of Pell, the real Pell. When these thoughts come to me, I mustwrite them down, because it is cleansing. Today 1 am confused. How much longer can I continue in this way? What is going to happen next? Oh dear, stop it, Cal, you're becoming a dreadful bore!
Out of curiosity, I think, the Hafeners invited us up to Heartstone. Wo all went, Cora's family as well. The women treated it like a real occasion, dressing up in long, soft woolen skirts and painting their faces.
Panthera borrowed some of Elveny's clothes and brushed his hair for half an hour. I watched them get ready with cynicism for a while, until my vanity got the better of me and I joined in. I dressed in white, washed my hair and painted my lips bright red. "That bloody enough for you?" I asked Elveny, grimacing at her.
She smiled weakly. "Made to kiss, I think," she said. "There's little power in that."
"You're wrong," I answered. "Continents can rise and fall on the strength of a kiss."
"Kiss me then," she said. Elveny is truly lovely. I've never kissed a woman in my whole life, not even when I was human. "Aren't I poisonous to you?" I asked.
"No, of course not. Your semen is deadly of course, but I'm only talking about a kiss."
We were not alone, but no-one else was listening. I took her in my arms and kissed her. Her female body was naturally softer than a har's. It was interesting. I've never felt like that about a woman before, but then, the women here are virtually har anyway. Inside, they are just as male as we should be. Male and female. Kissing Elveny made me think about what it used to be like being a half creature. As soon as I'd recovered from my inception I realized what a dull, unexplored existence it had been. Gimrah humans seem to have overcome that. "I've always hated women," I said to Elveny.
She smiled. "Of course. When you were male you used to love men, didn't you?"
That floored me. I'd got too used to Wraeththu superiority. "You've found the Way here, haven't you," I said.
"We surely have," she answered.
"I'm glad that men have gone."
"Me too." She poured us wine and we drank to it. I was in a comfortable daze by the time we got to Heartstone.
The house was not as big as I imagined. Two-storied, roofed with tile, its windows quite small because of the bad winters they have in Gimrah. Gasteau Hafener is Tirtha of Lemarath; a tribe leader. A servant met us at the door to Heartstone and took away our wet furs and boots. Soft felt slippers were provided for the comfort of the Tirtha's guests. The house was warm, the ceilings low and beamed. We were shown into a dark, fire-lit salon, where the Hafeners were gathered together, drinking mulled wine and conversing politely with their other guests. We were introduced. One of the Hara was a Natawni; he and Kruin began to gossip. I sat down with
Panthera and Elveny and glasses of warm liquor were thrust into our hands. Panthera had been eyeing me very suspiciously since he had seen me embracing the woman. That he thought me rather strange already was a foregone conclusion, but now I felt he considered my strangeness to be a sort of madness; best not to be discussed. I didn't really care. Whatever motives my companions might want to read into it, both Elveny and myself understood the reasons for our brief contact and were not deluding our-
selves in any way. Panthera lacked confidence in my judgment. As I said; I did not care. I drank my wine and looked around.
"Oh look!" Elveny hissed. "Here is Jubilee."
I would have known without looking across the room; first because I became aware of being watched, and second because Cora, standing near to us suddenly straightened up and became alert, like a hound desperate to show us how capable, trustworthy and handsome it is. I glanced at Elveny, raised a brow.
"Mmm," she said meaningfully. "Jubilee Hafener is as yet unbonded to another. As far as I know Lanareeve has more or less promised Cora that Natty shall be taken as Jubilee's consort once he has been incepted."
"Is that politics or choice?"
Elveny pulled a wry face. "A little of both, I think. Cora is a pillar of the human community; her words carry great weight. She is also a good friend of Gasteau and Lanareeve and it is no secret that she is very fond of Jubilee."
"Ah, I see; she will live out her desires through her son."
"You are cruel, Cal," Elveny scolded, shaking her head, although her smile did not waver. "And too critical. In actual fact, she has known Jubilee since he was a harling; don't misinterpret her feelings."
I laughed, unconvinced.
We were shown into another room to dine. The Hafeners are a handsome family. Both Gasteau and Lanareeve are tall, both pale-skinned and dark-haired, a trait that has been passed onto their sons. As well as Jubilee, there was Danyelle, his consort Onaly Doontree and an older har, who though unrelated in blood, had taken the Hafener name; this was Wilder. As we sat down to eat, Jubilee Hafener asked if he could sit beside me. This was not unexpected. "How long are you staying in Lemarth?" he asked me.
"Oh, as soon as the south road's clear, we'll leave," I answered.
"Where are you heading?"
"Jael, in Ferike."
He smiled. "Well, I doubt if you'll be here much longer then. This snow fall will have stopped by the end of the week. The road can be cleared after then. What a shame. I had hoped to spend the rest of this bitter season wooing you into a wild affair."
"How direct of you!"
"Brief affairs are always the most poignant, don't you think?"
I shrugged. "If you say so. I've had more pressing matters on my mind recently.""Are you chesna with the Natawni?"
"No. Don't flirt with me, Jubilee Hafener; you are distressing the mother of your future consort."
He ignored this. "You don't have to go ba
ck to Cora's house tonight."
"I don't have to do anything, do I!" I replied awkwardly. He left it at that. The meal was excellent, the company sparkling. Across the table, Panthera watched me blandly, constantly. The robe he wore left his shoulders bare, where he made the bones glide and slide beneath his pale skin Sultry in the lamplight he was, lovely as a white lily wreathed in vines. The most beautiful thing in the room, and so unattainable. The Hafeners flattered him. Only Jubilee had the sense to realize his barriers were
unassailable, which was presumably why he decided to have a go at me. Hara in these rural communities must get so bored being cut off nearly all winter We left the house late, singing in the snow as we tramped back to Cora's Panthera walked beside me.
"Well," he said, "now we have fine new horses to ride back to Jael on What did you get?"
I was surprised. "Nothing," I said. "Who gave you the horses?" "Gasteau," he replied with a charmingly wicked grin. "You think I'm such a prig, don't you. I think I should be insulted that you're shocked." "I'm not shocked. What did you have to do to get them?" "Don't be coarse, Calanthe! All I had to do was smile." He laughed, "You do things the wrong way, obviously."
"And left Jubilee Hafener's side empty-handed. Clearly you are right my pantherine!"
On the last night in Lemarath, I stood in my bedroom window and stared into the snow, in the direction of Heartstone.
Kruin came into the room. He said, "Oh, for God's sake, why don't yon go over, Cal? We're leaving tomorrow. More days of comfortless travel! Why don't you go?"
We had discussed the Hafener heir's interest in me. I had a bottle of strong wine on the table. That was enough. "What's the point, Kruin?" I asked. "Why settle for something less than I want?"
"I don't know what you mean," he said angrily.
He didn't. I couldn't really explain myself. I sat at the table and drank the wine. Tomorrow we leave. Another long, dull, painfully cold journey. Panthera came and put his head around my door.
"Can you possibly remain sober tonight?" he requested wearily. "We want to make an early start tomorrow."
"Panthera," I said, "don't judge me!"
He twisted his mouth a little and raised one eyebrow. "I don't judge you, Cal. How can I? I don't know anything about you. You wanted your privacy. Do you want me to beg for confidences?"
I could not answer. This conversation was not going in the direction I'd intended. "Wait until we get to Jael," Panthera said, in a softer tone.
I looked up at him then, unsure of what I wanted to see in his face. 'Why?" I asked sharply.
He leaned against the door and folded his arms. He smiled, and the room lit up. "It is a safe place," he said. "You will be able to rest properly."
I laughed grimly and reached for the wine bottle.
"You've changed so much," Panthera observed pensively. "Do you have to do this to yourself, Cal? I get the feeling you're falling apart inside. Whatever's bothering you, don't let it beat you like this."
"You have such clear sight, my pantherine," I said.
He shook his head. "Alright, I know what you're thinking. I'm much younger than you; I know that, but I'm not completely ignorant. You are in trouble, obviously, and I can see that you are making things worse for yourself. Don't say anything, Cal; I know I'm right." He turned away, began to close the door behind him. "Please think about what I've said," he told me.
I stared at the door after he'd gone. Panthera can be such a pompous little beast at times.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
The House of Jael
". . . (the) richly glowing
Gold of frames and opulent wells of mingling
Dim colors gathered in darkened mirrors"
—Martin Armstrong, In Lamplight
We left Lemarath early in the morning, as Panthera had desired. We had three new horses from the Tirtha, plus a mule for carriage, which would speed things up a little. Cora and her family bid us farewell, exacting promises from us that one day, in the summer, we would return. I would really like to. My promise at least, was heartfelt. New furs, new supplies, new horses. We began at a fast pace, our animals clad in fleeces because the Gimrah keep their best stock shorn of winter coats. We traveled across the country much quicker than we'd expected. The roads were not as bad as we'd feared. Each settlement we visited was hospitable and friendly, but none as welcoming as Lemarath. Every estemble has a governing harish family, although several families may be under their control. Every estemble has a Tirtha, who in turn is just one delegate of the Gimrah council of estembles. This council meets six times a year to discuss the problems andpolicies of the tribe as a whole, and to show off their prize stock, of course, In fact, these meetings are generally nothing other than glorified horse-fairs.
Now we are in Ferike, although the country has been changing for quite some time; more hilly, more forests. I've not written anything down for a long time, mainly because I haven't felt the need to quite so much. My sleep has been mercifully free of dreams. Perhaps I am being allowed to "recover." Maybe they knew they were driving me too far. I do feel slightly better; less harried. Looking back over all that has happened recently, I find myself wondering if Zack is really still alive. Of course, I had once thought Pell was dead, and I'd seen him die with my own eyes, so anything in this world is possible. I should be prepared for anything.
At the moment, we are staying at an inn in the town of Clereness, which is about twenty miles north west of Jael. Tomorrow, there is no foreseeable reason why Panthera will not see his home once more. Kruin, in his head, has already started spending his reward money. His plans are becoming rather tiresome. Me, I have no idea what I'm going to do with the money. Perhaps I could return to Lemarath. Ah, thereby hangs the tail. I have asked myself a hundred times; why didn't I? It would not have been beyond me to wheedle myself into Jubilee Hafener's affections to the extent that he would have taken me as his consort. I'm an old hand at that sort of thing, as Terzian's family will be able to tell you. Why didn't I? It would have effectively ruined whatever plans the Gelaming have in mind, wouldn't it! I don't know what I want; I can't even think about it properly. Places to go, to run to, to hide in; just excuses really. If I don't go to Lemarath, I could go back to Megalithica perhaps. Forever's the nearest I've ever had to a home, after all. But then, Terzian's son is now the consort of Seel Griselming, and Seel, I know, would prefer never to set eyes on me again. He has seen me kill. This is sad, because Forever is very close to my heart.
Sitting here now, I am thinking, if it is winter in Galhea now all the long gardens of the house will be covered in snow, the lake frozen, the summer-house dark within because of snow on the windows. I can see Cobweb, walking through the white gardens, wearing a long, flowing coat, his hair loose around him like smoke. There will be dogs bounding in front of him, probably harlings behind . . . harlings. Yes. Have I forgotten that so completely? I feel uncomfortable thinking about it, because I know it is just another example of my skill at betrayal. Forever holds more than just the
secrets of my past. It holds a secret that flowered within myself; not thought, but flesh. My son. Terzian's son. His name is Tyson, and he would have become an adult a long, long time ago. I did not abandon him because I did not care (which I still do when I remember to), but because of what I am. I do not want my badness to taint him more than is necessary. One day, perhaps. . . . Oh, useless sentiment, but I would like to go back there. If I thought that Seel could find it within his heart to forget all that has happened, I would go tomorrow. Terzian went back there too, at the end. Oh God, I must get off this downward, melancholy spiral! Panthera is right: I must start fighting. If I concentrate hard enough, I can draw my scattered strength back into myself. The past is done. I spend too much time wallowing about in it. I have a future, even if it is destined only to be a short one.
I must seek my destiny. What pompous crap! I sound like Pell. It seems more than likely I shall spend my reward money seeking the answer to thosc riddles th
at have been set me. Trying to see beneath the mountains of Jaddayoth.
Ferike is an exhausting place; so many steep hills. Your neck is forever craned backwards, trying to see over trees. There are long avenues of pines, where the roads are in darkness, for no sunlight could ever reach them. There are many tiny villages, many abandoned, larger towns, almost unrecognizable under their winter, white blankets. Wild dogs haunt the ruins of Mankind's dwellings, but they are cowardly and would never attack unless
they came upon someone alone and unawares. Some of the villages are built deep into the rock face. Clereness itself stands on the edge of a vast, still lake. Across it, rising directly from the water, are gaunt, gray cliffs, which Panthera tells me are named Fortress Shield. Birds have built their nests there. In the morning, I can throw open the window and see them swooping down, to glide above the surface of the lake. I don't want to be unhappy here, for, even in the depth of the season, I can smell the promise of spring. The Ferike are a contained people, quite unlike the gregarious folk of Hadassah and Gimrah, but they are not uncivil. This is a land of peace and healing. There is quiet here. I am no longer afraid of visitations, hallucinations and nightmares. A respite; probably brief, but I must enjoy it while it lasts.