Last night, I sat in Panthera's room, here at the inn, and watched him comb out his hair. We were feeling tranquil and relaxed. Panthera laughed and said that Kruin's hair was still full of the moss and leaves of Natawni; he would never get a brush through it. "But then, I suppose you know that," he added in rather a sharp tone.
"Thea, you were not excluded at any time; you know that."
He put his comb down quickly on the table, staring at his hands. "Cal, do you really think I can bear to let anyone touch me now?" I gave a non-committal shrug. "In Jasminia, I paid the huyana to let me off the penance," he continued. His face was flushed. He was ashamed of admitting that, even to me, whom he looked upon as a friend.
"In time, you might come to feel. . . differently," I said, which I knew was not much help.
"No feybraiha garlands for me," Panthera said wistfully, looking at himself in the mirror, as if trying to see the virgin thing he had once been. "No, you are not the only one with problems, Cal."
I sat on his bed, knowing that once I would have tried desperately hard to seduce him; I would have relished this ideal opportunity. Perhaps he was hoping I would. But I could only watch him and remember that. Panthera gave himself a shake, sniffed, and picked up the brush once more, raking his hair vigorously. He looked at me in the mirror."You are tired, Cal," he said. "You are always tired. It shows. Once we get to Jael, you must rest properly. Stay with us until the spring."
I smiled at him, unwilling to commit myself. I didn't want to appear ungrateful, but I was nervous of the Jaels being unwittingly drawn into something they might not want. I
was not so stupid as to believe it was all over; this was just a lull, a freeze, like the season. Come spring, I felt sure the whips would be out, attempting to drive me in the direction of Imnianion once more.
As if reading my mind, Panthera said, "Are they watching you now?"
The evening light was red when we started upon the upward road that led to Jael; a road that hugs the side of a tree-covered hill. Jael is at the top. It is a beautiful place, and very old. Panthera started to get nervous as soon as we could see the turrets of the castle above the trees.
"Cal, shall I have to tell them everything?" he asked me, and his voice was very young. The child who had grown up here was not far away, I thought.
"What do you think their reaction will be?"
He shrugged. "I'm not... I'm not sure." He did not want to put his fears into words, those fears that this parents would be ashamed of him, angry, would wish him dead rather than an ex-kanene.
Kruin had to say his piece. "They will naturally be surprised and pleased to have you home again," he said. "I should save any explicit details until you are settled."
"I'm not sure I'll be able to hide it," Panthera said dismally. "I feel as if it's written all over me." "It's not," I said.
The castle has a thick outer wall, with a drawbridge over a dry moat. Panthera said that the bridge is never raised. We rode over it and Panthera pulled the bell-chain attached to the huge, wooden gates. I could almost smell his fear. After only a moment, the gates were opened and a servant came out to ask our business.
"Tell the Castlethane that his son is here," Panthera said with a shade of the old, familiar arrogance.
The servant looked at us all suspiciously and then told us to wait. Panthera explained that this was a har he'd never seen before, obviously someone employed since his disappearance. "Time waits for no-one," he said. "I wonder how many other new faces there'll be inside?" His hands were shaking, his face white.
I reached out to touch his arm, but then we could hear a great commotion beyond the gates. Panthera's father had obviously lost no time in answering this summons. Dogs came barking under the stone arch and the gates were thrown wide. We all looked within, at the tall har striding toward us, several yards in front of those that followed him. We all looked into the face of a har who dared not believe that his wildest hope had become truth.
"Ferminfex; my father," Panthera told us weakly and dismounted from his horse.
Ferminfex, like many hara, was very tall. Looking at him, it was not difficult to see how Panthera had been born so lovely, I reached this opinion even before I'd met Lahela, who is something of a legend himself. Ferminfex came to a stop a few feet away from us. He said, "Panthera," and Panthera walked toward him. They embraced each other in silence and then Ferminfex led his son into the yard. Hara respectfully backed away from them, staring. Neither Kruin nor myself had been acknowledged and we shared bewildered glances, unsure of what to do. "Oh come on," I said, "we might as well follow." A stable-har had come and taken hold of Panthera's horse. Kruin and I handed him the reins to ours and went after Panthera into the main house.
We stood in the hall and gawped around us. The sight was most impressive; marble, tapestry, stone and dark, polished wood. It was also surprisingly warm. A servant came to intercept us as we made to investigate one of the passages that led into the heart of Jael. "The Castlethane would like you to refresh yourselves," he said politely. "Please come with me."
We followed him up a red-carpeted corridor and were shown into a parlor, quite a large room, though probably small by Jael standards. Long, pointed arch windows curtained with floor-length, heavy velvet, offered a view of the gardens. The servant, an imperious creature, told us to make ourselves at home, refreshment would be brought to us shortly. He backed softly from the room and closed the door. Kruin, as he always does, went straight for the fire.
"Wonder when we get to talk business," he said, in rather a mercenary manner.
"Just look at this place!" I exclaimed, throwing myself down in a plump, well-cushioned chair. "The Jaels are clearly more than just comfortably off, by anybody's standards!"
"If that's the case, then they'll probably skimp on the reward money. That's how most rich people become rich."
I thought Kruin was being a little too hard. The walls of that room were virtually covered with oil paintings of various size and style, although most of them were portraits. From all around us the sultry, yet austere, arrogance of the Jaels looked down straight and imperious painted noses into the room. I recognized one picture as being of Panthera as a harling. He hadn't changed all that much. In the picture, he was leaning against the knees of a seated har who could only be his hostling. They shared the same deep, green eyes and haughty beauty.
Kruin broke my reverie. "Do you think we'll be given rooms in the servants' quarters?" he said.
Presently, our refreshment was brought to us. It took two hara laden with trays to bring it in. My appetite hadn't been that good for a while now, so despite the tempting smells, I only took a bowl of soup and a tankardof ale. Kruin fell upon the meal with gusto. One of the hara told us that the Castlethane would be along to see us very shortly.
When Ferminfex came into that room, Kruin and I stood up immediately. It was done without thinking, although I must admit I felt rather foolish when I realized I'd done it. Ferminfex has a regal air that commands that sort of behavior. He waved us back into our seats. Many Wraeththu hara take to autocracy like a duck takes to water. I was reminded of Terzian yet again. Once, long ago, I'd been in a very similar situation to this in Galhea. It was not Terzian's son that Pell and I returned to him, but his very sick consort. Unlike Terzian, however Ferminfex is not a person to be feared. I could see that straightaway. With Terzian you could see the steel inside him that lifted him above (or below) morality; Ferminfex has a similar steel but its blade is tempered—there's no savagery in it. He thanked us warmly for helping Panthera to get home and then mentioned that, in the morning, his secretary would speak to us about our "expenses." It was all very civilized. The word "reward" was not mentioned once.
"You are welcome to stay here in Jael for as long as you wish," he said, and then to Kruin. "You are Natawni? In view of the season and the exceptionally heavy snowfall in the north, I think you'd be wise to remain here until the spring. I also think it would help Panthera considerably if
you, his friends, stayed with him for a while. He'll need some time to readjust." He sighed and rubbed his hands together. "Now, you must be tired. I think we should all meet again at breakfast tomorrow and discuss your plans. I'll have someone show you to your rooms. Excuse me." He inclined his head and left us.
"Rooms!" Kruin exploded once the door had closed behind him. "The cheek of it! No question of us being together, was there!"
"Oh, stop being so pernickety!" I answered, irritated. "This isn't Cora's, Kruin. That was politeness, he was avoiding being indelicate." "You love this sort of thing, don't you!" Kruin said accusingly. I could only shrug. "Yes I do. It reminds me of home." It was the truth. I would have welcomed the chance to be alone that night, but Kruin
insisted on sharing my room with me, which he claimed was more comfortable than his anyway. My bones were aching; that was always a bad sign, but I hoped that it was simple exhaustion in this case and not a presentiment of something worse. Panthera came to see us before we went to sleep. He looked very different; clean and well-dressed, his hair pinned up. Obviously he'd just attended a family reunion. He looked tired. "How's it going?" I asked him.
"Oh, OK." he answered wearily. "I think Ferminfex has decided that I've picked up some dreadful habits in the outside world. If only they knew!"
"What have you told them?" Kruin asked.
"I haven't lied," Panthera answered. "I told them nearly everything. I told them I was a slave, but not what kind. So far, I've been asked no awkward questions; but that'll just come later. Once they start thinking
about how I came of age away from home. Lahela will start worrying about my sex education; that's when it'll all start getting unpleasant. I won't be able to lie about that. I know I won't." He looked so down-hearted.
"Perhaps you should tell them before then," I said. He looked at the floor and shook his head. Rather him than me.
In the morning, Kruin and I were woken up by a servant bringing us cups of hot, herbal tea. We were told, as the curtains were flung wide to let pale, winter sunlight into the room, that breakfast would be served in half an hour. An explanation was given on how to find the breakfast-room and would we care to have our bath run for us? We said we would.
Kruin, despite his reservations about the Jaels, was enjoying this immensely. "Some servants' quarters, eh?" I teased him. Our room was round, on the third floor of a turret. I went to open one of the arched windows, leaning out to gaze down the smooth, stone walls. Kruin complained of the cold. It was a lovely morning; crisp and hard and bright. There was a smell of cooking, sounds of activity in the yard below. I felt warm and secure. If I closed my eyes, it could be Forever around me. Panthera had sent us some clean clothes, plain and dark, in the Ferike style, but eminently flattering and stylish.
In spite of the directions we'd been given, it still took Kruin and myself several tries to find the breakfast room. By the time we found it, the rest of the family were already seated. There were over a dozen of them, and that wasn't counting the harlings. The room was airy and light, carpeted in a pale color with matching drapes. The table was of highly polished black wood with all the Jaels sitting around it, poised in the act of politely inviting us to join them. Spaces has been left on either side of Panthera. We sat down. Panthera forked slivers of turn onto my plate. He looked very serious, his hair still pinned up, revealing the longest neck I'd ever seen.
"You smell wonderful," I said.
He smiled without looking up. "It's only the food," he answered.
"No, it's not. Don't you think I'd recognized the perfume of your soul if I smelled it?" He looked at me then, right at me, light off the cutlery high-lighting his skin; his eyes were luminous. He was thinking, I felt the breath catch in my throat. I smiled and he smiled back at me. It was our first shared moment.
Lahela made a splendid entrance when we were all half-way through our meal. He was dressed only in a bathrobe, his hair knotted untidily on top of his head, though most of it was dangling down his back. The art of stylish scruffiness. He looked marvelous. Ferminfex lit up when Lahela walked in the room and I don't blame him. Lahela yawned and slumped down in a chair at the opposite end of the table to Ferminfex.
A servant skidded to his side and offered to heap his plate with food. Lahela groaned. "Coffee please!" he said, "And a lightly grilled piece of toast." Like Ferminfex, he thanked us for bringing Panthera home, except his gratitude was delivered in a far warmer manner. He drank his coffee without using thedelicate handle of his cup, and smoked three cigarettes. I could see the other Jeals exchanging long-suffering glances. Lahela seemed oblivious, but because of what Panthera had told me, I knew that this was a staged ritual of Jael irritation that Lahela must perform fairly regularly.
"Has Tex has his little talk with you yet?" Lahela asked me.
"No, he hasn't!" Ferminfex answered stonily before I could speak.
Lahela smiled. "Don't look like that, Cal. He won't bite you will you my dear?"
Ferminfex rolled his eyes, shaking his head, smiling.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Reliving the Past
"Take this white robe. It is costly. See, my blood has stained it but a little
I did wrong:
I know it, and repent me. If there come
a time when he grows cold—for all the race
of heros wander, nor can any love
fix theirs for long—
take it and wrap him in it,
and he shall love again"
—Louis Morris
After the meal, Ferminfex took me to his study. "I would have left this until later, but as Lahela mentioned it, I thought we might as well get it over with."
"That sounds ominous," I said lightly. He didn't answer that.
"Please, sit down," he said. It was a pleasant, dark and cozy room. A fire roared in the grate and there was a heady smell of pine. The desk was enormous. We faced each other across it.
"I want to come straight to the point," Ferminfex said, and then watched me carefully for a second or two. "We knew, were informed, of your coming here." He offered me a cigarette, which I took automatically.
My body had gone numb with the familiar cold. The room, was closing in. I wanted to get out. I couldn't breathe. Panic. They'd been here before me then. Nowhere was safe. Everyone was in on it.
"Now listen, Cal. I can imagine what you're thinking. I was only concerned about Panthera; that he was still alive and coming back to us, but someone is concerned for you too, Cal . . ." (Don't I know it!)
"No," I said eventually. "No, look I'm sorry, Castlethane; I don't want to involve you or your family in ... whatever. I'm sorry they've . . . contacted you. I ..."
"Shut up," Ferminfex interrupted mildly. "There is nothing to apologize for. All that happened was that I was . . . requested . . . enjoined perhaps, to offer my assistance to you if I thought it was needed. I didn't have to tell you this, Cal. You do see that, don't you?"
I nodded, carefully.
He smiled. "Good. Now that's understood, perhaps we can go on. I am supposed to talk to you, impartially, but I don't like deception. I thought it only fair to tell you the score. If you don't want my help, then fine, we'll leave it at that. Panthera is concerned about you though. He spoke a little last night about what has happened."
"Did he!" (Fine to reveal my secrets then, if not his own).
"Yes, he did, and with the best possible motive, Cal. Now, I don't know what you're mixed up in with the Gleaming, and I don't particularly care; whatever it is can't offend me. We all owe you a lot, Cal. I want to help you. What do you say?"
"You've been honest with me?" I asked.
"I have. I cannot ask you to trust me, because I can see you don't trust people easily, but I'm sure you'd be able to tell if I was deceiving you."
"You natter me," I said. "I'm not sure of my own senses anymore. Anyway, I really don't know how, or where, to begin."
Ferminfex nodded in understanding, chewing his cheek though
tfully. He took a long draw off his cigarette and spoke through a plume of smoke. "You could try starting with why the Gelaming have such an interest in you."
"I could, yes. I'm not sure if I want to."
"Hmm, of course, it's not really my business, but I feel you gain nothing from bottling all this up. How can it possibly affect me, or even you, if you let it all out?"
"I don't know. I've always felt it should be something I keep to myself. If I tell you, you're implicated, Ferminfex. Remember, you don't know what it is yet."
"If you're afraid you may cause suffering by telling me, forget it. The Jaels have a very secure position; excellent positions in the esteem of both Almagabra and Maudrah. That is unassailable. Do you really think you'd have been allowed to come here if they didn't want me to know?"