When I got to the baseball fields that night, it was after ten. We couldn’t leave until the mall closed. That was the end of our shift, and Ben insisted that I drive him to his house first. He needed a ride and wanted my opinion on the jeans he had chosen to go with his perfect shirt. I didn’t care. After seeing ten different jeans that had jewels on the back pockets, I finally lied and picked one. In truth, as we got out of my car and headed towards the fields, Ben didn’t look half bad.
His jeans were sharp and dazzled with the bling on the back and his polo shirt was striped pink and purple. He seemed happy as we headed towards the bleachers. Or that might’ve been the huge smile on his face. He confessed that he had always wanted to attend an event with my girlfriends and I; apparently we were the ‘it’ girls for the next year.
I had no idea what he meant, but I nodded.
As we approached the fields, they were lit and all five of them were filled with teams. The steel bleachers in between were also filled to the maximum. The fences that separated the fields from the crowd had lounge chairs lined up from the bleachers to the end of the field. A second row of lawn chairs was placed behind them.
When we stepped around the concessions, I heard my name shouted and looked around.
Eric Nathan grinned at me as he gestured from inside the concessions stand.
Ben leaned close and whispered, “I knew it was true. I heard a rumor that he wanted to ask you out since his girlfriend broke up with him. He’s making his move!”
I nudged him back and moved forward. “Hey, Eric.”
“Hi!” He had a friendly smile on his face. As he skimmed over my shoulder and saw Ben behind me, it slipped a bit. Then he ran a hand through his sandy-blonde hair. His blue eyes seemed to sparkle even more as his perfect teeth flashed me a smile. “I’m glad to see you here. I didn’t know if you’d come.”
“Right.” I frowned at him.
“Because, you know, because Hunt is the reason for tonight, but…” He frowned and heaved a deep sigh. “I’m sorry. Maybe I shouldn’t say anything. I don’t really know what I’m talking about.”
Ben hummed behind me again. His whole body vibrated and I knew he was excited as he whispered in my ear, “He’s so cute. He likes you.”
I shoved him backwards.
“What?”
I glared at him and turned back. Erin’s frown deepened, but then he shook it off and gave me another grin. “You want a soda?”
“I would love a soda.”
And for awhile, I stayed there. Eric was nice. He was a jock from my grade with a lot of friends. Angie and Marissa would have given him the green light, but a short time later, I looked up and saw Jesse on the field. He had hit another home run. The crowd cheered as he rounded the bases. My heart faltered for a second.
There was no emotion on his face. His mouth was flat. His eyes were focused in front of him as he rounded each base. When he soared over home plate, his teammates met him and took their turn clapping him on the back. He had a smile on his face. There was no doubt about that, but it never reached his eyes. And no one else besides me would’ve known that he didn’t care if he hit zero home runs or twenty.
Then his eyes met mine and I jerked awake.
“Something wrong?” Eric asked, but his voice was at a distance.
Thirty people separated us, but it didn’t matter. Jesse stared at me and I stared back. I needed him. I hungered for him and when his eyes darkened, I knew he felt the same. Then I turned and bid my farewell to Eric. It didn’t matter how nice he was. I knew where I’d be that night. A shiver of anticipation went through me. It sizzled my skin, and I felt exhilarated as I found Angie and Marissa in a group behind the players’ seats.
Angie was on her feet, clapping loudly. “Come on, Justin! Come on. One more! One more, baby!”
Marissa smirked at me. “You’d think he was in the pros.”
Angie flashed us a glare. “Shut up. That’s my man and I’m supporting him. You all should take lessons. This is what you do when you love someone unconditionally. You clap and cheer like a mad woman and you don’t complain one bit. That’s what it’s like.”
“You look crazy?” I grinned at her.
Angie sobered, but then rolled her eyes. “Yes, or at least that’s what Justin wants. So I’m here and I’m cheering like a crazy woman. Whatever. I love that man. I’ll cheer until I get arrested if that’s what he wants.”
As I took the lawn chair beside Marissa, we watched Angie more than the game. She whooped, booed, and yelled with the best of them. I thought she was going to break out in her own cheer at one point, but when she collapsed in her lawn chair, I sighed in relief. I didn’t know if I would’ve cheered with her or hid from embarrassment.
Ben had gone to see some of his friends, but he returned for the last few innings and took the seat beside Marissa. When Justin’s team won 17 to 5, no one was surprised. Jesse had been on the team. We picked up our lawn chairs and waited to find out where the next game would prevail.
Close to midnight, I returned to the concessions stand. The line had tripled since we first arrived.
“Well, hello, Jesse’s slut!”
I froze for a split second, but turned. Casey Wright gave me a smug smirk as she stood with her friends behind her. All of them had their platinum blonde hair up in braids or styled to look cute as they wore baseball caps. And, of course, they wore tee shirts tied underneath their breasts and low-riding jeans.
When I saw her shirt had Jesse’s number, I took a breath. What was going to happen here?
Eric had popped his head out of the concession stand when he saw me, but now he faltered. I knew he had heard her.
“What do you want, Casey?”
She snorted in disbelief. “Are you kidding me? Leave Jesse alone.”
I sighed. When would she learn? “He’s going away, Casey. You have no shot.”
“And you do?”
“I never said I did.”
She snorted again and flipped her platinum blonde hair over her shoulder. Some of it trailed out from the back of her cap. Her emerald eyes were disgusted. “Are you kidding me, Alex? I told you what would happen if you got me as an enemy.”
“Oh yeah? And what’s that?” Angie surged forward from behind me. Her hands found her hips and her lips were in a snarl. Marissa was right next to her, complete with her pigtails. Both of them looked fierce.
Casey eyed them wearily. “Really? The three of you against me?”
Marissa snorted. “Do you really think you’re all that? You’re second line, Casey. Get behind us.”
Her eyes snapped in irritation. “I am not second line. How dare you say that?!”
Marissa’s tiny body was tense and she looked ready to hurl herself at the girl, but she threw her chin forward. Her arms crossed over her chest and she glared. The loathing in her eyes sent me backwards a step. Then she growled. “Are you effing kidding me? You’re always second line. You got second line in cheerleading. You’re in the honors class, not the highest honors. You get Bs when I get As. I get the captains and you’re lucky to get a starter. Do I need to keep going?” She threw her arms wide. “You’re second best, Casey. You always will be. Just get used to it and settle back. Shut the hell up, bitch.”
It was at that time that I grew tired of the conversation. Confrontations happened all the time, but it didn’t matter. They had stopped mattering when I lost my brother. It might’ve sounded cliché, but I no longer cared. It was all stupid and senseless.
I edged towards the end of the crowd that had formed and slipped around the corner. I flattened myself against the side of the concessions building and took a few deep breaths. None of it mattered. Nothing. There was more to life. I took a few more deep breaths and tried to calm myself down, but why were my hands still shaking? Why was my breathing so labored? Maybe it did matter?
“Hey.”
I calmed instantly and stopped.
Jesse was at the far end of the building. He stepped closer, but reeked of sweat. Then he took off his cap and shook out his sweaty hair. Droplets splattered on me and he grinned. “Sorry about that.”
I ducked my head to hide my grin. I shouldn’t have been so happy to see him.
Then he leaned an arm beside me. He gave me a cocky smirk. “You left real quick this afternoon.”
I jerked a shoulder up. My cheeks were still aflame.
Then he chuckled. “A guy who was more insecure might’ve thought he wasn’t good in bed.”
I choked out a laugh, but smothered it quickly. Then I rolled my eyes at him. “Are you serious?”
“Yeah.” He edged closer.
My smile wiped away. I saw he was. I stood straighter.
His mouth curved up in a grin, but it dipped down again. The smile was faulty. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah.”
He nodded and let out a breath in relief. “Good. That’s good.”
“Are you?”
“What?” He looked back up, surprised.
“Are you okay?” My grin was precious.
Then he choked out a laugh. “Yeah, I’m okay. Why wouldn’t I be?”
“Because you feel.”
His hand caught my shirt and I closed my eyes. His hand was so close to me. Then it curved inwards and I was pulled closer. His hand touched the base of my neck and spread upward. He cupped my chin and lifted it so I looked in his eyes. He had moved even closer. Then he whispered as his lips brushed against mine, “I only feel with you.”
“I know.” My heart was racing. It pounded in every cell of my body. I was alive in his touch.
His eyes dipped to my lips.
Desire blasted within me. I grew wet between my legs.
He moved closer. I felt him press against me. He whispered again, “Ethan wouldn’t want this.”
I curved a hand up and around the back of his head. This time I was the one that held him in place and I anchored him to look in my eyes. When they snapped to mine, I breathed out, “He’s the reason for this.”
And then his lips were on mine. I surged against him and as I opened my mouth, I didn’t want to be anywhere else. When Jesse would leave, a part of me would go with him, but until then, I let myself go. I succumbed to him and it wasn’t long before he swept an arm around me and held me against him. We both knew where we would end that night.
CHAPTER FIVE
That was my last night with Jesse. He left for Grant West a few weeks later and I got ready for my senior year in school. It wasn’t the same as last year. So much time had passed. Last summer, I was still reeling from Ethan’s death. I was trying to figure out how to move on, to survive, but this year was a bit different. While I wasn’t trying how to figure out to exist, I was trying to figure out how to live. It might not have made sense to most people, but there was a difference between living and existing. I existed before. I was trying to live now.
As I walked into school on my first day as a senior, I couldn’t stop the sadness inside of me. Ethan had been a great senior; he had led where Jesse was supposed to take over. Then both of them were going to room together at the university they both would share. While he would never fulfill their promise to attend college together, Jesse fulfilled the plan of ruling his year being a senior. He stopped being my friend and staying at my home, he excelled where Ethan had left him behind. He took over in sports. He excelled in his studies and graduated as the valedictorian. And he received seven full scholarships because of his work.
After everything we’d been through, I realized now that Jesse had turned his emotions off. He didn’t want to feel that year and I didn’t blame him. I didn’t want to feel either. I still didn’t. But he had gone from a nice guy to a badass womanizer. Jesse had left our school with the reputation of a player, but after this past summer, I wasn’t sure if he had wanted that reputation.
Though we hadn’t talked much that last night, our time together hadn’t been just for intercourse. Even as a tingle spread throughout me, I recalled the night. We had made love. It had been slow. It had been tender. And when morning came, neither of us had wanted to see that first ray of sunlight. Even when we had, we both ignored it. I had stayed in his bed through my shift at the mall. His phone had gone off, but he ignored it as well. And then during that evening, I finally pulled myself from his bed.
I was the one that had left, but he hadn’t argued with me.
We’d stared at each other as the door closed, and then it had been done.
I took a deep breath as I had gone to my car. All of my body had been numb that evening. The feeling hadn’t left. It was still with me.
The sounds of lockers slamming penetrated it and I lifted my head.
Angie was there with Justin. They both lifted their hands in a wave, but went back to their cuddling. Marissa was at the end of the hallway, dressed in her cheerleading uniform for the football game that night. Eric wasn’t far away as he stood with his friends, most of who were on the football team. He wasn’t dressed in his jersey and it took me a moment to remember that he played basketball. He would’ve been on Jesse’s team.
As I went to my locker, both of my friends separated from their groups and headed towards me. A part of me felt bad. They shouldn’t have to stop their fun to make sure I was okay. And that was something I felt they’d been doing for over a year now.
“Hey!” Angie gave me a bright smile. She had her books in her hand and hugged them to her chest. “What class do you have first?”
“I don’t. It’s my free period.”
“Oh.” Her smile faltered. “I have college biology. I thought you were going to take that with me?”
I shook my head. “I took it last year.”
“You did?”
I nodded. “Yeah. I—uh—school was all I kinda focused on last year, you know.”
“Oh right. I forgot.” She blinked a few times and then nudged Marissa.
“So, hey!” She jumped forward. Her cheerleading skirt swished around her. “So I know it’s stupid that our first day of school is on a Friday, but there’s a party at Eric Nathan’s house tonight. Are you going?”
“Yeah.” Angie giggled. “No seniors from last year are around. They’re all long gone.”
“Yeah!” Marissa whooped. “We rule this school now. Hells yeah.” She bobbed her head. Her ponytail swished up and down and she did a little cheering motion as she did. All in all, I caught the looks from every male in our vicinity.
“Hey, uh,” I spoke up.
Both of their grins slid away and all attention was back on me.
I sighed. Was this how I wanted it? To take away their fun all the time? But I managed a smile and cleared my throat. “So I was wondering about Casey and her friends this year. I know they aren’t too happy with us.”
Marissa snorted. “Oh please. Let me handle her. It will be my pleasure, Alex. You just worry about being you, all perfect and beautiful. We mortals can only hope to be as perfect as you.”
My eyes went wide. Was she kidding? “Are you serious?”
Then she frowned and shrugged as she turned away.
I glanced at Angie. “You feel that way, too?”
Her eyes darted from me to Marissa before she let out a surrendering sigh. Her hands dropped to her sides and she gave me a helpless grin. “What do you want me to say? You’re not doing this to be mean, but you are kinda perfect. I get angry and I lash out. Marissa screws around with guys and does your dirty work.”
My mouth fell open. “I can’t believe I’m hearing this.”
Marissa rolled her eyes and looked back with a frustrated growl. Her black hair swung back and her cheerleading skirt swished around from her pent-up emotion. “Oh come on, Alex. You don’t say anything wrong. You don’t do anything wrong. You always look gorgeous. I mean, look at you. You’re tall, thin; you’ve got a nice ass and boobs. Ethan was drop dead gorgeous and you’re the female version of him, all dark eyes and full lips. I feel like you wake up and your skin naturally sparkles.”
Angie barked out a laugh. “And here I thought she woke up in the morning and little birds helped do her hair up.”
They shared another look of amusement. “And mice run in her dress while the birds drop it over her. And everything fits perfectly as her horse puts his head through the door’s window and has her hairbrush in his mouth.”