She wanted to get away from Whitney's compound, but traveling alone was terrifying. Surely, she could explain that to Bellisia's satisfaction. Of course, it wasn't that Bellisia wouldn't understand--it was the fact that Zara had lied to her.
"Zeke likes to park close to the road, just out of sight of the house, but also of anyone passing by. He parks where that big stand of trees covers his car. You okay? They're coming now. I'll disappear and give you time to talk to her."
She wanted to cling to him, but she wasn't going to be a coward. She loved Bellisia and her sister deserved an explanation. "Thank you. And I'll have an answer for you about who to talk to when you come back."
"She'll tell you Trap and Wyatt are good men and they won't talk out of turn."
She hoped not. If they did, she knew there was a good chance the major general would send her right back to Whitney. If not him, someone above him.
14
"Z
ara? Gino?" Bellisia came running up the stairs leading to the porch. She was soaking wet, the water running off her in small rivulets. Behind her, looking protective, was Ezekiel. He was wet too, but he had a towel and was drying off as he watched them warily.
"I'm so sorry for the way I acted," Bellisia said immediately, making Zara feel worse. Zara shook her head to try to forestall her but Bellisia continued. "I don't know why I'm so anxious for you, Zara. I just want to lock you away where no one can get to you. Just for a little while until I know you're whole again."
Bellisia looked down at her hands. Zara couldn't tell if tears were swimming in her eyes or if it was the water from the river. "I saw those bruises and lacerations all over you and it just about killed me. If I hadn't escaped, if I'd gone back, maybe Whitney wouldn't have sent you to Cheng."
"Of course he would have sent me, Bellisia," Zara said immediately. "We talked about escaping. All three of us. We had an agreement. There's no reason for you to feel like any of this was your fault, because it wasn't."
"I shouldn't have told you I needed to tell Ezekiel, and I haven't." Bellisia sent Ezekiel a quick look of guilt. "That shouldn't have been my first response. It's just that I trust him so much and I guess I didn't think beyond that."
Gino shifted his body just enough to draw the attention of both women. "I'm going to get some of Nonny's strawberry lemonade. Bellisia? Zara? You good with lemonade? Maybe you could help me, Zeke?"
"Of course," Ezekiel offered immediately. He dropped a kiss on Bellisia's head as he moved past her.
Bellisia waited until the men had gone into the house before coming all the way onto the porch. She hadn't dried off because her body required moisture, so much of it that sometimes in the middle of the night she got up, filled a tub with water and immersed herself in liquid.
"I should have trusted your judgment," Zara conceded. "I know Ezekiel must have realized you were keeping a secret. Was he very upset with you?"
Bellisia shrugged and waved that away. "I feel like I drove you right to Gino because of the way I acted. Why were you able to trust him so fast? To trust his decisions?"
Zara could hear the hurt in her voice. Bellisia looked near tears, and she'd always been the strongest one of the three of them.
"I've been your sister since we were a year or so old," Bellisia continued. "It was always Shylah, you and me. All those years together, depending on one another, and yet you went to Gino instead of Ezekiel. I don't understand."
"I don't know what I expected when we talked," Zara said. "I wasn't being fair to you, I guess. You were saying things I didn't want to hear, things you had no way of knowing would hurt me. I realized your loyalty wasn't just to me anymore, it was to Ezekiel first, and that made me feel very alone. You had your husband, and I was alone. Not just alone, the one person I had come to depend on, Gino, you were trying to pull out from under me. I know you were trying to protect me, Bellisia, but at the time, I was feeling raw and hurt. Things haven't been good for me since you've been gone. Whitney retaliated against Shylah and me both. He thought we knew what you planned."
"I'm sorry." Bellisia leaned against the railing, staying out of the sun so the water wouldn't dry too fast on her skin.
"Don't be. None of this is your fault. You're supposed to trust your husband and put him first. I understand that now, and I should have taken the time to understand that then. I was being childish not wanting to trust him just because I was jealous that he had you and I no longer did. I just needed you so much right then and thought it was going to be the same. You. Me. Apart from everyone else."
"Why Gino?"
"Tell me why you don't like him."
Bellisia opened her mouth to deny that claim but then closed it and frowned instead, thinking it over. "It isn't that I don't like him, Zara. I don't know him. No one really knows him. I've seen men like him though. He's more at home in the woods or the swamp than in a house, although, I suspect he'd be at home hunting in a city. Anywhere he chooses could be a hunting ground."
Zara couldn't fault her for thinking that. She thought it herself. She needed the hunter, the predator in him. She was drawn to that part of him.
"He likes being alone and as far as I can see, the only ones he really spends time with are Trap, Wyatt, Draden and Joe. Even then, he looks out for them."
"And Nonny, Pepper, Cayenne, the children and you, Bellisia." Zara didn't think that was a fault at all. If anything, she admired Gino for it and she trusted and relied on him because of those traits. "I think all the GhostWalkers, including your husband, have that same trait."
Bellisia nodded reluctantly. "Yes," she conceded. "I think that's a fair assessment."
"That still doesn't say why you don't like him."
Bellisia sighed and went to Zara's side, lowering her voice so she was practically whispering in Zara's ear. "I don't know if I should tell you this. I've already screwed up big-time by trying to warn you off him."
"I want to know. I'm asking you."
"Joe Spagnola is the man leading this team. They all look up to him and respect him. He's kind and compassionate. A good man, Zara. His father is Ciro Spagnola, a rather infamous crime boss. Ciro and Gino's father, Jacopo, were close friends growing up. They served in the military together. When Gino's family was murdered, it was Joe who found them. They saved Gino's life when they took him in. Gino was raised by Ciro."
"Gino told me Joe was like a brother to him. I knew they'd been raised together," Zara acknowledged.
"Joe should have been Jacopo's son and Gino, Ciro's," Bellisia said. "Gino was raised as an enforcer for Ciro. Do you understand what I'm saying? Joe turned his back on that life, but Gino embraced it. He's done things that aren't good." She hesitated again. "An enforcer tortures and kills people, Zara." She kept her voice very low. "He did that for Ciro. For all I know he's done that for the military, and we both know if you can do that and sleep at night ..."
"He couldn't have been very old when he joined the military," Zara pointed out.
She wanted to be more shocked and appalled than she was. Gino was quiet. Watchful. There was something ice-cold and dangerous in his eyes, and he could turn off emotion. She'd seen him do it. He was also the most protective man she'd ever met and she could imagine Ciro drilling it into him as a boy that he had to watch over Joe. Gino had lost his entire family. It stood to reason that he would do whatever Ciro deemed necessary to protect those remaining that he loved.
Gino had told her more than once that he wasn't a good man. He never lied to her, in fact everything Bellisia was telling her matched up with what Gino had implied. He had confessed that Zhu and he were the same in many ways, that he'd done similar things when needed. She was grateful he'd told her, so she wasn't shocked when she heard it from Bellisia.
"I know. He followed Joe. But the fact remains, he's capable of doing things most men aren't capable of. You were tortured, Zara. He's capable of that."
"He would never torture a woman, Bellisia," Zara said with complete confidence.
&
nbsp; "Maybe not, but I'm telling you, honey, it isn't natural to be able to do some of the things he's done, both for Ciro and for the military."
"Are you saying none of the other men would extract information from a prisoner if it was needed to save others in their unit?"
Bellisia was silent for a moment, looking uncomfortable. "I don't know the answer to that, okay, maybe. Yes. But the difference is, he wouldn't have a problem with it. He scares me for you."
"You think he would hurt me, but I'm telling you, he isn't capable of hurting a woman. If she was an enemy, he might shoot her, but he wouldn't torture her. He wouldn't hit me, or abuse me. I know that with everything in me."
"He's old-fashioned with women, and that isn't going to change. I want someone different for you. Someone who allows you the freedom you need."
Zara rubbed the hem of the shirt she was wearing. Gino's shirt. It gave her the necessary courage to confess. It was a huge confession and she knew Bellisia would not only be hurt, but possibly angry, and she deserved it.
"About that, Bellisia, the truth is, Gino does give me freedom. He gives me exactly what I need to feel free and whole and safe. I have something I need to tell you and I'm going to warn you up front, you aren't going to like it. In fact, you're going to feel betrayed and I never meant it that way. I love you and Shylah. Both of you. I didn't have anything to contribute to us like the two of you. You both covered me on our missions, when Whitney would send us out. You know you did, no matter how much you want to protest. I wasn't made for being a soldier. I can fight, but I lack the killer instinct. It made me sick, and both of you covered for me."
"Honey. We love you. You held your own when it was needed."
"That's the point, you two made it so it was rarely needed. You gave me such a gift. I knew it was a gift. I never took it for granted. The two of you were so fierce. Shylah is sensitive, and kind, yet she kicked ass. You were like the sweetest, and you could do whatever was needed, but I let you both down every mission."
"You didn't, but keep going. So far, I don't see the betrayal," Bellisia prompted.
Zara rubbed the hem of her shirt again as if she could make a genie appear and whisk her away. Or Gino. She didn't want to admit any of this to Bellisia. She looked up to her. Loved her. She detested disappointing the few people she loved--the few who loved her.
"I needed something to contribute to the three of us. The only thing I had to give the two of you and the other girls was a taste of what was out there in the world."
"And you did. I can't tell you what that did for all of us. The stories you told. All the adventures you had. The parties at school. The walks through open parks and the various countries you were able to visit. The contraband you risked so much to get to us. You gave that to us, Zara. You made the world come to life for us and that instilled hope. You also kept us knowing there was something out there, either to fight for and keep safe, if our lives were always in the compound, or to escape and become part of the real world. You gave all of us that."
Zara nodded. "I know I did. I worked hard at it. I tried to become an observer, a recorder, a storyteller, so I could give the best of everything to you. You deserved it."
"We needed it," Bellisia corrected.
That was true. Zara had known that at a very young age. She'd known all the girls had to have hope. She became that hope for them, and she lived that lie for years. For them. She had nothing else to give them when they gave her so much. She hated telling Bellisia the truth, but she had to. It wasn't fair to be angry at Bellisia when Zara had deliberately deceived her.
"I don't like being out in the world alone. I felt exposed and vulnerable, just the way I did when we went into battle. I hated school when I was so young and everyone ignored me, made fun of me or tried to push me around. I was petrified. I was terrified when I traveled. Absolutely terrified. Of everything. Of taking a plane alone. Riding in a taxi alone. Checking into a hotel. The worst was standing up in front of all those people and talking about whatever project I'd headed, knowing I was stealing from them. It was a nightmare for me. The last thing I want to do is continue that life."
The words came out in a rush, and she didn't know if she'd said enough that Bellisia would understand that the person she'd grown up with and loved wasn't at all the real one. She was fake. Zara had manufactured her so that she could give them something--so she could fit in and feel as if she belonged. It wasn't at all the real Zara, but she'd done what she'd thought was right. Once she'd started down that path, there was no going back from it.
Bellisia stared at her for what seemed forever. She finally took a deep breath. "Baby, did you think we wouldn't love you for who you really are?"
"I didn't love me. I wanted to be like you and Shylah. I really did. Both of you are so beautiful, strong and funny and everything you do is right. I was the screwup and both of you always had to protect me. You loved the fact that I'm smart. You loved that I could go out of the compound and bring home those stories. I wanted to give them to you."
"Honey, don't you realize that Shylah and I loved you for you? Not your brain or your stories, but for you. That sweet, gentle girl who saw every hurt we had and attended to us. You matter to us. You're our sister. Whitney would have sent you out no matter what. In fact, he probably would have insisted you go out twice as often if he realized you didn't like it. I would have cherished those stories even more, knowing how difficult it was for you to go."
"I'm sorry for not telling you the truth, but I couldn't bear to be that person in your eyes. Whitney already despised my cowardice and I didn't want you to as well. I couldn't have stood to see that look in your eyes."
"Zara, how could you think that?"
"Because I thought it of myself. I still do, although I'm trying to get his voice out of my head and listen to the people I know care about me. I hate that I'm like this. I want to be like you. Like Cayenne. Even Pepper has a reason she can't fight. Gino told me she gets brain bleeds around too much violence. I don't have any excuse at all."
She looked down at her hands. Gino was slowly making her feel as if she wasn't the coward Whitney had called her, and now, Bellisia was backing up his claim. Better to believe the two people she loved than a man she had grown to despise. Now it just had to sink into her brain and override her lifetime of insecurities.
"You don't need an excuse. Not everyone has to be that person, Zara. You know you can fight if necessary. You're proficient enough to take on most people, and if push comes to shove, you always have your last line of defense. I don't fight on land. I'm too small, especially against Whitney's supersoldiers. You have to know your strengths and weaknesses."
"I know mine, I just don't want anyone else to know them."
Bellisia sank down into the rocker next to Zara's and drew her legs up. "Ezekiel is good for me. Maybe Gino's good for you, but he does scare me a little. I'm not going to lie about that." She hesitated. "Or the fact that I was a little jealous that you relied on him and not me."
Zara couldn't help but laugh. "Jealous? Bellisia, I was so jealous of Ezekiel I couldn't even look at him. The minute you said you wanted to tell him about the SSD I was so upset I couldn't stand myself. I don't know why I trusted Gino so fast, maybe it really is because he rescued me and I've relied so heavily on him, but it didn't feel that way even then. Now, he feels as if he's a part of me. Maybe the best part."
Bellisia shook her head. "I don't like that you sell yourself short, Zara. It isn't healthy. You can't get into a relationship if you don't know yourself and feel as if you're bringing something equally of value to that other person."
"I think I'm doing that for him," Zara said. "I hope I am. He says I am. I don't like being away from him, and he doesn't seem to mind sticking close."
"Honey, you can't even walk right now. Of course you're relying on him."
Zara glanced around the yard and then turned a speculative gaze on Bellisia. "Do you think it's Whitney? Could he have paired us somehow? Is that
what you think?"
Bellisia frowned. "It's possible but not probable. In any case, what if he did? He can't do it emotionally so that's all you and Gino."
Zara let out her breath. "We talked about pairing, but not in the context of us. I just want something real." She wanted Gino to fall in love with her, not have him want her because Whitney had decreed they should be together.
"Gino is about as real as it gets. I'm here for you, no matter what. If Gino's your choice, then I'll make every effort to get to know him and have an open mind while I do it, but promise me you'll take into consideration what I told you about Joe's father and Gino's background with him. Also, the fact that you still can't walk and can't do anything else but rely on him."
"Gino is my choice, Bellisia." She was decisive. Firm. Assertive. She recognized her path and she wanted to stay on it because, for her, Gino was the perfect man and she knew it. "Like Ezekiel's your choice. He's already making plans to build me a research center. He told me to give him the list of the things I need for it. He isn't expecting me to sit in a house waiting for him. He knows I need to work, that I want to and it's important to me. Because it's important to me, it's important to him."