Produced by Charles Keller
A PARODY OUTLINE OF HISTORY
By Donald Ogden Stewart
Wherein may be found a curiously irreverent treatment of AMERICAN HISTORICAL EVENTS Imagining them as they would be narrated by American's most characteristic contemporary authors
To
GILBERT HOLLAND STEWART, Jr.
Preface
Mr. H. G. Wells, in his "Outline of History," was of necessity forced toomit the narration of many of the chief events in the history of theseUnited States. Such omissions I have in this brief volume endeavoredto supply. And as American history can possibly best be written byAmericans and as we have among us no H. G. Wells, I have imaginedan American history as written conjointly by a group of our mostcharacteristic literary figures.
Apologies are due the various authors whose style and, moreparticularly, whose Weltanschauung I have here attempted to reproduce;thanks are due The Bookman for permission to reprint such of thesechapters as appeared in that publication. I give both freely. D. O. S.
Contents
I INTRODUCTION: A Critical Survey of American History In the Manner ofWilliam Lyon Phelps
II CRISTOFER COLOMBO: A Comedy of Discovery In the Manner of JamesBranch Cabell
III MAIN STREET: Plymouth, Mass In the Manner of Sinclair Lewis
IV THE COURTSHIP OF, MILES STANDISH In the Manner of F. Scott Fitzgerald
V THE SPIRIT OF '75: Letters of a Minute Man In the Manner of RingLardner
VI THE WHISKY REBELLION In the Bedtime Story Manner of Thornton W.Burgess
VII HOW LOVE CAME TO GENERAL GRANT In the Manner of Harold Bell Wright
VIII CUSTER'S LAST STAND In the Manner of Edith Wharton
IX FOR THE FREEDOM OF THE WORLD: A Drama of the Great War Act I--In theManner of Mary Raymond Shipman Andrews Act 2--In the Manner of EugeneO'Neill
CHAPTER ONE
INTRODUCTION
A CRITICAL SURVEY OF AMERICAN HISTORY
In the Manner of William Lyon Phelps
On a memorable evening in the year 1904 I witnessed the openingperformance of Maude Adams in "Peter Pan". Nothing in the world candescribe the tremendous enthusiasm of that night! I shall never forgetthe moment when Peter came to the front of the stage and asked theaudience if we believed in fairies. I am happy to say that I wasactually the first to respond. Leaping at once out of my seat, I shouted"Yes--Yes!" To my intense pleasure the whole house almost instantlyfollowed my example, with the exception of one man. This man was sittingdirectly in front of me. His lack of enthusiasm was to me incredible.I pounded him on the back and shouted, "Great God, man, are you alive!Wake up! Hurrah for the fairies! Hurrah!" Finally he uttered a ratherfeeble "Hurrah!" Childe Roland to the dark tower came.
That was my first meeting with that admirable statesman Woodrow Wilson,and I am happy to state that from that night we became firm friends.When Mr. Wilson was inaugurated in 1913 I called on him at the WhiteHouse, taking with me some members of my Yale drama class. Each one ofus had an edition of the president's admirable "History of the AmericanPeople", and I am glad to say that he was kind enough to autograph eachof the ten volumes for all of us.
Early in Mr. Wilson's second term as president, just before the breakwith Germany, I was sitting in the quiet of my library rereadingBrowning's "Cristina". When I came to the third stanza I leaped to myfeet--the thing seemed incredible, but here before my eyes was actuallyBrowning's prophetic message to America in regard to the submarinesinkings.
"Oh, we're sunk enough here, God knows! But not so sunk thatmoments--etc." It is an extraordinary evidence of the man's genius thatin 1840 he should have perhaps foreseen prophetically the happeningsof seventy-six years later! Not only did Browning seem to know what wasbound to happen, but he told us the remedy. I sat right down and wroteto my good friend the president, enclosing a marked copy of the poem. Onthe sixth of April, 1917, war was declared.
May 7, 1912, was the one hundredth anniversary of the birth of RobertBrowning. On that memorable date I was traveling to Ohio at the requestof my dear friend Miss Jones to deliver an address at the ColumbusSchool for Girls. Curiously enough the name of my Pullman car wasPauline. Not only did that strike me as remarkable, but I occupied upperberth number 9 in car 11, two numbers which, added together, producedthe exact age at which Browning published the poem of that name. At onceI recited the opening lines, "Pauline, mine own, bend o'er me--thy softbreast shall pant to mine--bend o'er me," to the porter.
I like to believe that the spirit of Browning arranged that entirejourney, for the other occupant of this well-omened berth was thatadmirable statesman Warren G. Harding. When I sat down I noticed thathe was reading Henry Sydnor Harrison's "Queed", a book which was justlypopular at that time. I at once showed Mr. Harding an article I hadwritten in which I stated that not only was "Queed" a real novel, witha real plot, and real characters, but that I believed the readers werestimulated by the spiritual advance of the hero. The future presidentagreed with me and said he thought that literature was a great thing.Encouraged by this I confessed that I was on my way to deliver a lectureon modern poetry. Mr. Harding replied that he thought poetry was a greatthing. "Splendid!" I cried, and taking a copy of Browning from my bag Iread him several selections. Mr. Harding said that of the American poetshe liked James Whitcomb Riley best. Personally, while I have for Mr.Riley only wonder and praise, I think that the English poet strikes amore inspiring, more eternal note.
I then read to Mr. Harding Browning's "Evelyn Hope". He said that heknew a Mrs. Walter Hope in Marion, but that he was not sure her firstname was Evelyn. As I knew that Mr. Harding liked a good pun, I remarkedfacetiously that "hope springs eternal", meaning that probably therewere in existence several families of that name.
I am happy to state that with that meeting began a friendship whichhas lasted for many years. When Mr. Harding was nominated for thepresidency, I wrote at once, enclosing a copy of "The Advance of theEnglish Novel" which I had published in 1916. On the title-page I wrote,"To the Hero of a Much More Spectacular Advance", meaning that theprogress made by the English novel was as nothing compared to Mr.Harding's rapid and well-deserved rise. In reply I received thefollowing:
6 July, 1920. MY DEARPROFESSOR PHELPS:
Many thanks to you for your congratulations and your kindness in sendingme your brilliant, searching essays which I hope to be able to read inthe near future. WARREN G. HARDING.
Just as I am always glad that I am an American, so I think we should allbelieve whole-heartedly in the glorious future which lies ahead of us.We should all pay high tribute to the ideals and sincerity of thosegreat leaders Woodrow Wilson and Warren Harding. What a pity that somepeople believe that there is any antagonism or essential difference inthe aims of those two worthy men. Both are absolutely sincere--bothtry to make the world a better, more happy place. And to the critic ofhistory--as to the critic of art and literature--those are the essentialthings. Viewing the past and glimpsing the future of American history Icannot help feeling that Browning had us perhaps unconsciously in mindwhen he wrote:
God's in his heaven: All's right with the world!