"So what were you saying, dearie?" the nanny asked. She was a big, strong woman. Only such nannies were employed by the family, because one had to be big and strong to handle even a small Oxrabbit. Male Oxrabbits were notorious for being big, strong and unruly. This particular nanny considered herself quite lucky. Mevrin wasn't all that athletic, especially in comparison to her previous charge, the current Baron.
"I was saying that some people think that Mevrin here... uh... could become the next... Emperor." Saalteinamariva almost whispered the last word. She couldn't really believe what she was saying. She knew the boy was troublesome, Roseduck implied that much, but she wasn't prepared for the extent of it. First of all, he wasn't really a boy, at least visually. More like a young man. Behaviour was definitely boyish. Or even mad-hungry-goatish. Even watching him from afar triggered her maternal instincts, which meant that she wanted to put him on fire and drop the ceiling on him. She decided not to watch anymore. Those instincts were bound to take over eventually.
"An Emperor! Mevrin! Yes, he would be a great Emperor!" The nanny was very enthusiastic about the idea. "He's bright and smart and..." A series of crashes interrupted her.
"What was that?" the sorceress asked.
"Oh, Mevrin just hates his vegetables. They are good for him, but he is quite passionate about not eating them. He smashed them with a chair." Saalteinamariva decided not to point out that he could simply leave them. Attacking them with furniture seemed a bit excessive, but it was a good opening to fulfil one of the tasks she was given.
"You know, if the High Lords see him behaving like that, he surely won't get chosen."
"Oh, I know, I know. He's just such a passionate boy, he often forgets his manners. But leave that to me, dearie, I will prepare him," the nanny said. "You better start behaving, young man! The chandelier is not a toy!"
"Yes it is!" Mevrin protested loudly.
"He's a bit headstrong, but don't worry, dearie. I know what to do."
Saalteinamariva watched the nanny hit Mevrin repeatedly on the head with a wooden spoon. She approved of the educational technique. Too bad the spoon wasn't on fire. It would make it even more effective. Still, even without the fire the nanny seemed to have her way. She was patient and methodical with her spoon. If anyone could teach this young oaf something, the nanny could. The sorceress was quite sure about that.
***
The scenery had changed. Arthaxiom was standing on a grassy meadow. Only the grass was orange. He looked around. All the colours were strange. The sky was yellow, the sun was pink. Suddenly, he noticed he wasn't wearing armour anymore. It made him uneasy. Instead, he was wearing his old peasant clothes. Sort of. His shirt was intense spring green and his trousers were very, very purple.
"I must be having a vision," he realised. It must had been a vision. Either that, or he was dead. And he couldn't have died, because Heroes don't die. Not before finishing their most important quests. He was pleased to notice that he didn't lose his logical thinking.
Now the most pressing problem was doing whatever he was supposed to do in this strange place. Not having the slightest idea what it was didn't help at all. But something had to pop up sooner or later, he was sure of that. Heroes don't get lost on their vision quests.
A toad popped up. A dark blue one. "Yo," it said.
"Uh. Hello, little frog," the paladin said.
"Who are you calling little?! Am I little?!" the toad got angry.
"You. And yes, you are."
"It's all relative, I'll let you know." The toad pouted.
"Do you know what I am supposed to do here?"
"Insult amphibians, apparently." The toad was resentful.
"Uhh... I... I apologise." He felt strangely, apologising to a frog, but it seemed the only reasonable thing to do.
"Very well. You are supposed to go to a lake."
"Where is it?"
"That way." The toad pulled out a sign out of nowhere and stuck it in the ground.
"Thank you."
"One more thing, before you go..." The paladin looked at the toad, which jumped at his leg and bit him. Very painfully. It had a jaw full of sharp teeth.
"Aaaaaagh!" he screamed. "Frogs do not have teeth!"
"They might, in this place. You should be happy I didn't breathe fire. So long, moron!" The frog jumped away and disappeared into the grass.
Arthaxiom looked at his leg. He fully expected to see a lot of blood, yet there was none. Instead, flowers grew from where the frog bit him. Pretty, yellow flowers. He shrugged. Very strange place. Well, nothing to do but to go and find this lake.
***
In a dark and gloomy chamber, on a dark and gloomy throne, a dark and gloomy person was sitting. Gloomily. Gloomy torches were gloomily burning on the walls, hardly giving any light at all. Whatever little they gave was gloomy too. A bit less dark and gloomy person was standing before the throne. It bowed awkwardly.
"You called me, oh Dark and Gloomy Lord?"
"Why do you always ask me this?" the Dark and Gloomy Lord asked with irritation. "You very well know that I did!"
"Apologies, oh Dark and Gloomy Lord." The person bowed again.
"Must you be so formal all the time?!"
"Sorry, Tim."
"That in turn is too informal."
"You know I am no good with conversation, oh Dark and Gloomy Lord."
"Just lord will do."
"As you wish, oh Just Lord."
"I meant lord, without just. And drop the oh."
"Yes, Lord."
"Good." The Dark and Gloomy Lord was pleased with himself. "Who's a smart zombie?"
"You are, Lord?"
"No! I'm not a zombie, you idiot! You are! And apparently still not a smart one."
"Apologies, Lord."
"Accepted. Can't blame you for your brain rotting away I guess. But, to business. Now that the Emperor is dead, is the Empire in turmoil?"
"Uhhh..."
"Yes or no?"
"No, Lord"
"Why no?"
"Because not yes?"
"What I am asking is why isn't it in turmoil?"
"How would I know, Lord? I'm just a zombie. But it seems people don't really care about this kind of thing."
"People always were problematic. Well, never mind that. Was Rodolfo the Lion Tamer apprehended?"
"You didn't order me to apprehend..."
"Not you! Did the Imperial Guard apprehend him?"
"I don't think so, Lord."
"Why not? So many clues are pointing right at him!"
"I don't know, Lord."
The Dark and Gloomy Lord sighed gloomily. "Leave an anonymous mysterious note to one of the High Lords, will you?"
"As you wish, Lord"
"All right, what about the orcs?"
"The orcs were difficult to persuade, Lord, but I succeeded."
"Finally good news! So will they descend upon the Empire like locusts?"
"Yes, Lord, they will!"
"The entire five thousand?"
"Uh-oh."
"Uh-oh what?"
"Uh-oh did you want five thousand orcs, Lord?"
"Yes I did!"
"Uh-oh."
"Stop uh-ohing! What is wrong?"
"I thought you wanted fifty thousand, Lord."
"Uh-oh."
"Exactly, Lord."
***
The lake was beautiful. The water was crystal clear. Assuming they were pink crystals. The paladin looked around. He saw nothing unusual. Well, nothing more unusual than the rest of the scenery. Bushes with glowing violet leaves no longer surprised him. "I'm here!" he shouted, but no one answered. So he started walking along the shore. He walked quite a bit, until he saw a strange creature, drinking from the lake.
"Hello there!" Arthaxiom spoke. "What are you?"
"I am an anteater," the creature replied. "Catch!" It breathed water from its snout right at the paladin's face.
"Aaaagh!" he screamed, but then he realised that it wa
s just water. Sweet water. "Hey, it's sweet!"
"Sure is! Might give you cancer!" the anteater said happily and disappeared into the bushes.
"Oh no it won't!" a violet cancer said and wandered away into the lake.
"What a strange creature," Arthaxiom said to himself. "Two of them, even. I wonder what did they symbolise."
"Your stupidity!" a voice said behind him. He spun around, just to see a huge fish burst out of the water. It hung in the air in front of his face. It held a rake in its fin. It was big. It was shiny. It seemed annoyed.
"What are you?"
"A fish, you dolt! A fish of your past!"
"Why is my past a fish?"
"I symbolise your past, you idiot! See this rake? You think I rake bottom of the lake with it?!"
"Well... maybe..."
"No! It is a symbol! Of your peasant past! I'm a peasant fish!"
"Uh... that is nice." The paladin was totally confused now. There was this fish, holding a rake, and floating above a pink lake. It seemed quite upset with him. He had absolutely no idea how to deal with the situation.
"You have nothing more to say?!"
"No, not really," he admitted. "I do not know what to say."
"Do I have to explain everything to you?!" the fish was rather agitated.
"I would appreciate that."
"Oh, very well," the fish sighed. "After all, that's what I am here for, I guess. See, I symbolise your peasant past. A fish of your past. A peasant fish." The fish shook its rake. "You need to face your past! You cannot avoid it!"
"Uh... I have no problem with my past," Arthaxiom replied. "I was a peasant once. Now I am a Hero."
"Yes. A peasant can become a Hero. But can a Hero ever stop being a peasant?! Can he?!"
"Ummm... yes?"
"Yes! But he must face his past! He must face his inner peasant."
"All right. How do I do that?"
"It is difficult. That's why I'm here to help you. FACE YOUR INNER PEASANT!" the fish shouted. SLAP! It slapped the paladin in the face with its tail. The world whirled around him. SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! The hits came from all sides. Water splashed in his eyes. He couldn't see. He tried to protect his head with his hands, but to no avail. SLAP! A powerful hit on the back of his head made him fall into the lake, face first. SPLASH!
***
The Dark and Gloomy Lord wasn't happy. It wasn't just because he was supposed to be gloomy. He wasn't happy because his stupid zombie helper had misheard him and convinced fifty thousand orcs to invade the Empire. His cunning plan called for only five thousand. It was quite a difference. A difference of about forty-five thousand orcs.
"Are you absolutely sure that fifty thousand orcs are going to descend on the Empire?" he asked, while pacing nervously around his throne.
"Yes, Lord. I think some of them might die on the way, because, you know, such a horde would need a lot of supplies and they aren't any good with logistics, you know, and they have quite a bit to travel, you know, so..."
"So... it's not so bad?"
"Well, it depends how you look at it, Lord. Not as many orcs maybe, but the weaker ones will be eaten on the way, and the rest will be extra hungry when they get here..."
This didn't improve Dark and Gloomy Lord's mood. Hungry orcs were definitely more worrying then satiated ones. "No chance you can get back there and convince them not to attack?"
"I don't think so, Lord. They are probably already on the way. Hard to make fifty thousand orcs turn around. Also, they want to eat some brains."
"Brains? Orcs don't crave for brains. It's zombies. You should know that. You are one, after all."
"They do now, Lord. Many were reluctant to go at first, so I had to elaborate on how delicious the human brain is. Now they are quite enthusiastic about having some."
"I don't want to have my brains eaten by orcs!" the Dark and Gloomy Lord cried in despair in a most undarklordly way. Extra hungry orcs would probably eat the inside of his skull as well as the outside of his skull and pretty much every edible part of him and have fries with it too.
"I don't really mind, Lord," the zombie said. "Once you die the first time, it's not as scary anymore."
"Think, think, think!" the lord was saying to himself.
"Do you think it will make your brain less appealing, Lord?"
"No you dumbcorpse! I'm thinking how to prevent this!"
"Ah. I might be just a stupid zombie, but may I make a recommendation, Lord?"
"Go ahead."
"I recommend running away."
"Only when there's no other choice." Which pretty much is the case, he added to himself. "Let's try to fix it, shall we? First, Roseduck. Did you order his assassination?"
"Of course, Lord. As ordered, I did it on my way back."
"Any chance you might be able to... call it off?"
"Not really, Lord. The assassin said we'd meet again when he completes his assignment."
"So you must warn Roseduck. It's better to have him as the High Lord Commander than any of those other morons!"
"So why did you want him dead in first place, Lord?"
"I wanted the army to lose against five thousand! Now I want the army to win against fifty!"
The zombie scratched its head. Its ear fell off. "Oh. So, a cryptic and mysterious note, Lord?"
"No. Definitely not cryptic. Mysterious, but blunt and to the point."
***
Arthaxiom woke up. He spat water and gasped for breath. He started coughing. There was sand under his hands. He managed to open his eyes and look around. He was on a beach. Probably still next to the same lake, but in a different place. Or maybe it was a different lake, just had the same pink colour? In any case, the peasant fish of his past was nowhere to be seen. He was pleased with that. That fish had beat him up good. He expected his whole face to stink of fish, but it smelled like pretty flowers instead. No complaints there either.
Again, he didn't know what he was supposed to do here. "Anyone here?" he called, but there was no answer. He started walking slowly, looking around, searching for anyone or anything. The only thing he found was a large round rock. He approached it.
There were two lizards on that rock, a white one and a black one. The white one was covered in fur and had wings, while the black one was covered in sharp scales.
"Dude, get out of my rock!" the black lizard said.
"I shall do no such thing!" the white lizard disagreed.
"You have wings, fly and find your own rock!"
"I refuse. I appreciate this one very much."
"Dude, not cool!"
"I beg to differ. This rock is very cool. You cannot deceive me!"
"I'm warning you, dude."
"Could you please stop referring to me as 'dude'? It is rather annoying."
"I'm the lizard wizard, fear my wrath!"
"You are no wizard, you..."
CHOMP! The black lizard bit the white lizard on the tail.
"Please let go of my tail," the white lizard requested.
"Mmmrf gfffhh mrrrl."
"Could you please stop being so immature?"
"Mfffrl grrrf hssss."
"Your attitude is displeasing me, I must say."
"Kffff mfffzh!"
"Very well, be like that!"
"Mmmmrg gfkhhh rrrrh!"
CHOMP! Now the white lizard bit the black lizard's tail.
"Mffffff!" the black lizard complained.
"Ghhhhk mrrrrf fffffh!" the white lizard replied. They had each other's tails in their mouths and made a nice circle.
"Hrrrf gmmmmfh!"
"Rrrrwrw!"
Neither lizard was willing to let go and they both only mumbled an growled at each other. Then they started walking in circle, their claws tearing deep into the rock. The rock started bleeding.
"WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?!" a voice boomed behind the paladin. He turned around to see a fish bursting out of the water. It wasn't the same fish as before, but it was quite similar. This one was holding a sw
ord in one fin and a shield in the other. Its scales were gleaming gold. "I am just a minute late and you wander off already?!"
"I was watching the lizards," the paladin explained. "They symbolise... something. Probably."
"No, silly human. It's 'Lizards on the Rock' comedy show. Pretty good, eh?"
"They looked... symbolic."
"Well, maybe they are. Who knows? It's your vision after all."
"But I do not know what they symbolise! Tell me!" Arthaxiom demanded.
"How can I explain your own symbols to you?" the fish asked. "I'm just a fish, you know. What do you expect from me?"
"The last fish I met here slapped me around," the paladin admitted with hesitation.
"Ah, it was the fish of your past. That's a nasty, nasty fish, but it serves its purpose. It beat the peasant out of you, didn't it?"
"Well, yes, I suppose so."
"See, you're making progress. Now it's my turn, for I am the fish of your present!"
"Uhhh... what are you going to do?" Arthaxiom wasn't sure he was looking forward to it.
"Make a Hero out of you, that's what I'm going to do!"
"I already am a Hero!" the paladin protested.
"Well, in your mind, yes. And you have a nice Heroic sword, I give you that. I have it right here, so you can see how well it presents itself."
"Yes, yes it does," he agreed. "It is a good sword."
"But look at your shield!" The fish threw the shield at the paladin. "Do you know what it was used for? Do you know?!"
"No, but..."
"But it was used to shovel horse dung!" the fish interrupted. "Not very Heroic, is it?"
"Well, no, but..."
"And your armour! Hanging in a peasant's attic for years! Looks good until you come closer and notice all the rust, dents and holes! Did it ever occur to you to find a better one?! A more Heroic one?!"
"It serves well."
"Yes, and the shield too, but what did you battle so far?! Some animals. Some goblins. And only by a miracle you didn't have your brains bashed in! What if you face something worse?! And you will face something worse, I guarantee you that! As the fish of your present, my job is to ensure that you survive, and Heroism alone cannot take you all the way."
"I can go back to the hermit and ask..."
"Can you?" The fish was doubtful. "After you sent that wolf to him? Really? You think he appreciates singing wolves?"
"I did not think that..."
"Correct," the fish interrupted again. "You did not think. Happens a lot, doesn't it? It doesn't hurt you much, because you're a Hero. But there might come a time when it will hurt you. Permanently, if you know what I mean."
"Uhhh... I do not."
The fish sighed. "Permanently, meaning it might kill you!"