"Ah. That is bad."
"Understatement of the vision quest. But I think you're beginning to get it. Good. You had your own dumb old self slapped out of you by the fish of your past, and as the fish of your present I encourage you to fill that space with something useful. Now about that armour..."
"I do not know where to get a better one."
"Yes, yes, I know. We will take care of it, I think. At least the shield is here." The fish pointed down. Arthaxiom looked. There was a gleaming, beautiful golden shield lying underwater. "Come and get it."
He did as he was told. He waded into the lake and bent over to get it. SLAP! SPLASH!
"Sucker."
***
"General, beware. Dark Lord Abracabrachupacabra sent an assassin to kill you," the General read.
"What a stupid name," Saalteinamariva said.
"While yours is a smart one," Vannard japed.
"Saalteinamariva means 'a very beautiful and intelligent maiden who outshines the stars', I'll let you know."
"And they say that names don't lie."
The General sighed. Then he realised how often he sighed these days, and sighed again. He wasn't happy. While the succession proceedings were unfruitful so far, the meetings with the other High Lords have made a serious dent in his sanity. Serious enough to meet Vannard and Saalteinamariva both in his own chamber. He didn't even care that they could demolish it. And/or burn it down. And/or burn down half of the castle. He would even enjoy the burning castle, as long as the Duke would get caught by the flames. And the rest of the lords as well. And the Master of Ceremony. And many, many more people who got on the General's nerves.
Talking to the assassin and the sorceress wasn't any better. He could be in immediate danger and it made him rather uneasy, but his 'allies' didn't seem to care much. Not that he expected anything else. At least this time they were sitting in their chairs and didn't throw fireballs around. "Can we please focus on that dark lord person that wants me dead?"
"Of course," Vannard replied and did the exact opposite. "Why are you reading 'Alice in Weirdoland'?" He pointed at a book lying on Roseduck's desk.
"That is none of your business."
"It's a good book," the assassin continued, undeterred. "Some of it is even true. I met the cat once."
"We already know you're insane, no need to prove it further," Saalteinamariva said. "And you'll probably claim you killed the cat, too?"
"Actually, it got away." Vannard sounded a bit impressed.
"Could you please stop that?!" Roseduck almost shouted. "An assassin is out to get me and you're discussing a cat from a book!"
"No need to get all that panicky, Ducky."
"Easy for you to say! Unlike you, I can't nonchalantly stab him right in the heart without even noticing him! I need help."
The sorceress shrugged. "It might be a joke."
"Might be. Doesn't look like this, though. It is even on this dark lord's official stationery, with his address and everything. If it's a joke, someone put a lot of effort into it."
"Address?"
"Yes. The castle Kidneystone, which, as far as I know, is abandoned and ruined. It's not that far away, scouts were already dispatched to 'periodically assess its defensive capabilities', so I'll know all about it quite soon. Until then... can I really take risks?"
"No risk, no fun!" Vannard said cheerfully.
"Some risk, I die," the General responded. "I'm not as hard to kill as you are."
"Not my fault."
"Not your fault. But you could defend me."
Vannard wasn't enthusiastic about that idea. "Can't you get some guards or something?"
"I can and I will. But are guards any good against a skilled assassin?"
"Well... no."
"My point exactly."
"You're asking him to be your bodyguard? Are you nuts?!" Saalteinamariva was shocked by the idea.
"I'd be nuts not to."
"I appreciate your faith in me, Ducky, but I'm more of an assassin than a bodyguard, you know."
"So assassinate that assassin who might be trying to kill me. I'm paying triple for this one. If I survive, that is. Just in case you need a reason to keep me alive. Also, a bonus if I get a chance to interrogate him before you kill him."
"Just to be clear on this, you want me to keep you alive and capture that assassin while keeping him alive too?"
"Pretty much, yes."
"Anything else? Should I juggle some alligators in the meantime? Steal candy from monkeys? Make some straw figurines of former Emperors while being on fire?"
"I can help you with that 'being on fire' thing," the sorceress offered.
"I knew I can count on you."
"I'd do everything for you. Everything that might make you dead or at least severely mutilated."
"And I have a special knife just for you. It has your name engraved on its blade. And it's a loooong name."
"You never fail to remind me of that."
"Just making sure you don't forget."
"Sooo grateful."
"Could you stop bickering?!" the General had enough of this. "It's my life that's on the line here!"
"It's yours, not mine, so excuse me for not caring all that much," Vannard replied. "But don't worry, I'll guard you. Unless I get bored."
"So now I should hope that the assassin, if he really exists, strikes as soon as possible?"
"Yes, something like that. By the way, I want five times my usual rate."
"Awesome. And Saalteinamariva, I'd like your help too. Just in case that assassin is a mage or something."
"In this case, I'd like your money too. Just in case I need to spend it or something."
Roseduck sighed. "Good bodyguards are expensive these days."
***
The paladin woke up on a rocky shore. It was not a happy awakening. The rocks were poking him painfully. He slowly got up on his knees...
"Get up! How long do I have to wait?!" a voice boomed and a stream of cold water hit him. That made him awake and upward rather fast.
"Hey! That was uncalled for!" he complained, as he faced yet another fish. This one was the same size as the previous ones and also was floating above the water. Yet is was different from them, because it was kind of... foggy. It seemed a bit insubstantial, and Arthaxiom couldn't quite work out its features. It held something in its fin, but he wasn't able to say what it was either.
"Do you know what I am?" the fish asked.
"Yes. A fish," the paladin replied and backed up slowly. He wasn't too anxious to repeat the experiences he had with the previous two fish.
"But what kind of fish?" the fish insisted.
"Uhh... a giant, floating, misty one?" he hazarded.
The fish seemed disappointed. "Yes, that is correct, but it wasn't the answer I desired. Did you not learn anything? Let's try again. If the first fish was the fish of your past, and the second fish was the fish of your present, then I must be..."
"...the fish of my future?"
"No! The fish of flowers!" the fish exclaimed and breathed daisies at him. The force of the daisy stream made him fall backwards.
"That does not make any sense," the paladin complained, as he got up.
"You noticed that. Well done. You're learning. In truth, I am the fish of your future, and the fish of flowers too. Sort of a side job," the fish explained.
"Why are you so foggy?" the paladin asked. "The other fish were not."
"Duh. Use that object you have between your ears!"
"My nose?" the Hero asked incredulously.
The fish sighed. "Your brain! Braaaaain! Thiiiiink! You know what you were in the past, and you know what you are now. Do you know what you will be?"
"A Hero?"
"After that."
"An old Hero?"
The fish sighed again. "Hopefully you will be a smart Hero sometime in the future, but right now it doesn't seem too likely. My point is that you cannot know what will happen in the future. And you
shouldn't."
"Why should I not?"
"Because if you know what is going to happen, you might act differently than if you don't know."
"I do not understand."
"It is a paradox. Do you know what a paradox is?"
"Uhhh... a big red flower?"
The fish sighed yet again. "No. Never mind. The point is, I cannot tell you what your future will be."
"But you are the fish of my future? Are you not sort of supposed to do that?" This was the most confusing fish so far.
"Yes, but in a limited way. I am supposed to give you some vague forebodings and unspecific general advice."
"Ah." That was more like it. Vague forebodings and unspecific general advice were definitely Heroic. "Now I get it."
"Good. So listen carefully, cause I will say it only once. Which is still one more time than most fish do. You might get help from unexpected sources."
"I do not expect any help."
"Exactly! That's why any help you get will be unexpected!"
"It makes sense, I guess... but does it help me at all?"
The fish sighed yet again. "A difficult one, aren't you? It is to make you expect unexpected help. So that you don't panic when it appears or anything."
"I do not panic."
"Oh well... let's try another one then, shall we?"
"I would be grateful."
"Very well. You have to know when to stay and when to run."
"Is it not obvious?"
"It is now when I pointed it out! Before that you wouldn't have even considered running!"
Arthaxiom pondered this. "Good point. How will I know when to run?"
"I'll show you an example. See that albatross?"
Indeed, there was an albatross circling above them. Not surprisingly, it was bright red.
"Yes."
"Watch it closely."
"I am watching."
SLAP! A powerful hit with the tail made the paladin stagger. "You shouldn't have stayed." SLAP! "If you mix up when to stay and when to run..." SLAP! "...then you're screwed." SLAP! SPLASH!
***
The High Lords were having another meeting. Therefore, the Chamber of the High Lords was surrounded by an enormous amount of guards. There were Imperial Guards ordered there by the Master of Ceremony. There were Imperial Soldiers, ordered there by General Roseduck. There were private guards in employment of each of the High Lords. And now Vannard was there too. He was leaning on a window sill and watching the chamber door from afar.
He was not a specialist in preventing assassinations. He was a specialist in making them happen. Nevertheless, he decided to try to keep Roseduck alive. He wouldn't admit that, but he was quite pleased with the agreement he had with the General. He was given food, housing, a decent amount of money and permitted to kill people as long as they were 'bad' people. Of course, he didn't need permission to kill people, but he rather enjoyed not having to worry about other people upset about the killing. And having to kill them too. He preferred killing when he felt like it, not when he had to. He also preferred killing 'bad' people, as there was more chance that they'd provide some challenge. 'Good' people rarely did.
He was getting bored. He was supposed to be looking for an assassin who might or might not be around, and who might or might not even exist. Given many multiple approaches that such assassin might utilise, a chance of simply spotting him was negligible. There were one thousand and three places in the Imperial Castle where an assassin could hide and even more people an assassin could disguise as. All these guards for example. Every single one of them could be one and nobody would know. Perhaps someone who knew what to look for could recognise one... but definitely not Vannard.
"Found something?" he asked Saalteinamariva when she joined him.
"No hidden mages found. You?"
"Two potted plants and one hundred and twenty-eight guards."
"I asked about assassins, you clown. Stop trying to be funny!"
"No need to be rude, Sally."
"Don't. Call me. That." she said, her teeth clenched.
"Or?"
"Or you will be called 'Hey, that guy is on fire!'"
"Come on then, Sally. I'm bored."
She lifted her hand to make good on her promise, but stopped herself halfway. "Bored? Well, no need to entertain you, then. Anyway, I did what I was supposed to. Enjoy your doing nothing." She turned to leave.
"Suit yourself. In other news, that guy over there is looking at your lower backside."
She looked in the direction he was pointing at. From the distance it was hard to say who was looking where exactly. "You mean the one wearing a pink cap or the one with silly trousers?"
"Both of them, actually."
"Nice try, but I won't incinerate them for your amusement."
Vannard briefly considered stabbing the leaving sorceress, but it was neither the place nor the time for that. He sighed. A few days of this and Ducky will have to manage on his own. He looked around. Nothing interesting in sight apart from some guards. He wasn't supposed to be killing guards, but maybe he could bruise a few? Or at least distress them a bit? All during the search for the assassin, of course.
"Hey there, mister Pink Cap, could you come here for a second? Guarding quality control."
***
The paladin woke up. Something was poking him painfully. Again. He searched for the source of that and discovered an inconveniently placed stick. He got up slowly. He was still next to the pinkish lake. This time he got washed ashore into some reeds. As usual, there was nothing of interest in sight. He was getting a bit tired of this. He got out of the reeds, sat down on the beach and waited.
He waited for a long time, but nothing happened. Nothing at all. Even the sun hadn't moved. Finally, he sighed, got up and started walking along the shore. Apparently he still was supposed to see or do something here.
Soon, a seagull landed in front of him. It looked just like a normal seagull. Apart from being bright green, that is.
"Hello there, little bird," he said.
"Why are you talking to a seagull?!" an outraged voice came from behind him. As he turned around, he saw a small yellow meerkat.
"Because I know from experience that animals here can speak," he replied.
"Yes, but seagulls are boring!" the meerkat said.
"Who are you calling boring, you overgrown hamster?!" the seagull protested and launched in the air.
"I have nothing common with hamsters, you... oops!" The meerkat suddenly realised that the seagull was flying towards it. It turned back and started to run, but it was too late. The seagull grabbed it in its beak and flew away. "Let me go! What do you think you are, a weaseldamn eagle or something?!" the meerkat screamed as it was carried away.
The paladin turned towards the lake and wasn't at all surprised when a fish burst out of the water. It was similar size to the previous ones, fiery red, held a sickle and a set of scales.
"Greetings!" Arthaxiom said. "So what was this all about? A comedy show too?"
"No, foolish mortal!" the fish boomed. "You are supposed to learn from this!"
"What can I learn from this? The meerkat insulted the seagull and the seagull grabbed it and flew away with it."
"That's exactly what happened," the fish confirmed. "And the lesson is: do not meddle in affairs of seagulls for they are subtle and quick to carry you away."
"That is a silly lesson," the paladin said.
"Some lessons are," the fish replied. "Do you know what kind of fish I am?"
"No. There was a fish of my past, there was a fish of my present and there was a fish of my future. I think there is nothing left."
"Well, wrong! I am the fish of your future past!"
"What?!" The paladin couldn't make any sense from this.
"Future. Past."
"It does not make any sense!"
"Ah, you've seen through me. I am not really a fish of your future past."
"So what kind of fish are you and why are y
ou here?"
"I am the Flaming Fish of Fury!" the fish roared and burst into flames. "I am here to get rid of you!"
"Oh carp."
"Oh carp indeed!" said the fish and slapped the paladin across the face. This fish was stronger than any of the others. Arthaxiom was screaming, burning and drowning at the same time.
***
General Roseduck exited yet another electoral meeting. He was currently experiencing yet another headache. Highlights of the day consisted of the Duke having a moment of inspiration and calling the Earl 'heavenly stupid holy bastard', the Marquis describing how the pigs had been eating the farmers in his youth, and the Baron suggesting that the next Emperor should be female. The General didn't know whether his wife had put him up to this or if it was his own stupid idea, or maybe he had simply done this on purpose to irritate the other lords. He was leaning towards the last one. The Baron was a man of simple pleasures, and infuriating someone was probably the only one he could find at these meetings. He wasn't too subtle about it, but no subtlety was needed to make the Duke drool with fury.
As soon as Roseduck left the Chamber of High Lords, his contingent of guards joined him. They started walking through the corridors towards the exit. Previously he was the least guarded High Lord, now he was the most guarded. It didn't make him feel safer. It made him feel stupid, but he knew that was the right thing to do. He almost hoped that the assassin would appear soon, because he was tired of feeling threatened. He quickly regretted that hope when the assassin appeared.
He simply emerged from behind a pillar and stood in the middle of the corridor, right in front of the General's column. He looked like a stereotypical assassin. Black clothes, black hooded cloak... and a knife in hand. Roseduck didn't like that at all. He realised how badly his guard was organised. The guards were walking in two rows on his sides. No guard was in front of him. That meant that the assassin had an easy shot.
"Happy Emperor's Day!" the assassin said and threw a dagger. Meanwhile Roseduck only managed to lift his hands to protect his face and neck. None of his guards even moved to position himself between the assassin and him. The dagger hit him in the chest.
The guards looked at the General. He looked at the dagger. It fell on the ground with a clang. He pointed at the assassin and shouted. "After him, idiots!" Only then did the assassin realise that he had failed due to Roseduck being unexpectedly armoured. He ran away. The guards ran after him. When the last two were passing by the General, he stopped them. "You two, wait with me! There might be more!"