"I'll be careful." I want to tell her I've been a cop for thirty years, but I can't. The look on her face as I leave is like a mom as she sends her kid to school for the first time. I'm sure Tess would have liked to look after me a little longer, to have me all to herself so she wouldn't be alone. Jake and I really need to talk about that at some point; there has to be something we can do to cheer Tess up.
I can't think of anything right now, so I leave her to her loneliness and board the train.
***
I feel normal again as I ride the train. I get a seat next to a young woman in a business suit who's too busy with her phone to notice me. A middle-aged guy stands next to us. He tries to be subtle, but I can see him peek at the girl next to me. I feel a little jealous he doesn't notice me. Am I that plain?
The girl and her admirer get off at the next stop. A woman with a baby carriage gets on. I shift over so she can sit closer to the door. She nods her thanks to me before she reaches into the carriage for her baby.
It feels oddly good that no one talks to me. I'm just an anonymous face, one among millions. I'm not any different from any of the other women here. I feel a lot better than the last time I was alone on a train, when I wore clothes much too big for me and felt everyone could see through them. I suppose after a few days I've started to settle into my new skin a bit, to feel at home in my own body again.
I get off in the garment district and start towards the stairs. Along the way I see a girl with a cup. She doesn't look too different than me that first day, her hair disheveled and clothes baggy. I give her some of the money Tess loaned me for lunch. "God bless you," she whispers.
I wish I could do more for her, but I can hardly take care of myself at the moment. I climb up the steps and then join the great crush of people on the sidewalks. Again the anonymity feels good. I'm elbow-to-elbow with people of every size, age, and color and yet no one pays any attention to me. No one screams that I'm a freak.
That gives me hope for Maddy. She didn't notice anything yesterday, so as long as I don't come on too strong, she shouldn't notice anything today. How long can we go on like this? Years if it takes that long.
***
I get to Grace's right at nine o'clock. The door is still locked, so I do as she suggested and rap on the glass with my left hand. The knock sounds timid to my ears. I take a deep breath before I try again, hard enough to rattle the glass.
"I'm coming!" Grace shouts from inside. "Keep your panties on."
Her face turns a little red when she sees it's me. "Oh, sorry about that," she says. "I thought you were someone wanting to use the bathroom."
"I didn't mean-"
"I'm joking!" she puts an arm around my shoulder. "You aren't going to last long here if you take things too seriously."
"Oh. I'll try to do better."
"Hey, come on, don't be nervous. I don't want to be your boss. I want us to be friends. Except I get to tell you what to do. OK?"
"That sounds fine." I unzip my purse to take out the papers she gave me yesterday. "I filled these out. Do you need a copy of my ID or anything?"
"These should be fine." Grace skims the application I sweated over so much last night. "To be honest, you're my first employee."
"I am?"
"My mom used to run the place. She started it about fifteen years ago, after she split with my dad. Then she got sick and I came back to run it for her."
"That's too bad," I say. "Is she-?"
"She died four years ago. Pancreatic cancer."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be. You didn't know her. She was a really interesting lady. A little crazy. Kind of like me, huh?"
"Um-"
"I'm just kidding. I can see it's going to take some time to crack that shell of yours. That's all right. I like a challenge."
"So what am I supposed to do?"
Grace leads me over to the old brass cash register. The black buttons are so big they look like you need a hammer to make them work. "Mostly you just run this old monstrosity. Mom got it from a flea market because she thought it looked neat. It's kind of a pain to use, but I've gotten used to it. You will too after a couple of months. If I'm not such an ogre that I drive you away, right?"
"You're not an ogre."
"You just don't know me well enough." Grace gives me a lesson on how to use the cash register. As I suspected, I have to slap the buttons hard for them to go down all the way. The "No Sale" sign pops up. "Good job. Now we'll just have to wait a little while for a customer. You'll find out pretty quick that we aren't exactly Times Square around here."
If that's true, I wonder why she needs an employee. She intuits this question and picks up the heavy book I saw her with yesterday. "I could probably run the place by myself, but I'm working on my psych dissertation. I've been working on it for six years now and I'm just about finished with it. With you watching the place, I can get it done."
"So this is a temp job?"
"Well if you really want to stick around, I can probably sign the whole thing over to you eventually. After I find a job."
"Oh. Wow," I say. I try to imagine myself running a clothes store in the garment district. Is that what I want to do with my life? If it keeps me close to Maddy, then yes.
I hear footsteps upstairs. Then the stairs begin to squeak. I just about faint when I see Maddy come through the doorway. Her pink hair is unbound and mussed while her oversized T-shirt and sweatpants are wrinkled. She looks like she just got up.
Then she kisses Grace on the lips.
***
In none of the scenarios I ran through my head did I ever imagine my daughter is a lesbian. The possibility never entered my mind. But then the last time I'd seen her, she was ten years old, playing Barbies and Pokemon.
I take a couple steps back while Maddy and Grace kiss, until I'm pressed against the wall. My mouth hangs open, but no sound escapes my lips. It's obvious from the duration of the kiss Maddy and Grace are well acquainted with each other and that this is not just a friendly hello. They're a couple.
I try to tell myself Maddy is old enough to make these kind of decisions for herself. She's old enough to date whoever she wants. And even if I want to complain, I haven't been around for twelve years and I can hardly butt in now as Stacey Chance.
After they separate, Maddy turns to me; her face lights up with a smile. "I guess Stacey's an early riser," she says.
Grace puts an arm around my shoulder. "I like an employee who's punctual. That's why I didn't hire you."
"You're just afraid I'll steal all the clothes. At least the ones that fit."
"Well you just about cleaned out the swimwear before we went to Atlantic City."
"I needed some bathing suits. I'm supposed to go to the Gap?"
Grace gives my shoulder a squeeze. "The other part of your job, Stacey, is to make sure Madison doesn't use the place like her personal closet."
"Yeah, well, Stacey and I already have an understanding. Don't we?"
"I, uh-"
"I'm sure Stacey was just kidding." Grace turns to me and adds, "You don't want to give anything to this moocher."
"I told you I'll have the rent next week."
"That's what you said. Then you went and got your navel pierced."
"You're the one who suggested it."
I almost laugh at the bizarreness of the situation. My daughter and Grace argue the same way Debbie and I used to when we were married. They're like an old married couple.
Like an old married couple, they make up with a kiss-and probably more later. "I'm sorry," Grace says. "I've just been under a lot of stress lately."
"It's fine. Now that Stacey's here, she'll help take some of the load off your shoulders." Maddy turns to me and says, "Just remember those shoulders belong to me."
I hope she's not serious about that. Though from the look of her, I don't think I want to meet Maddy in a dar
k alley. Maybe she's a chip off the old block after all. "I won't."
"Well, I'm going to get ready for work. It's good to see you again, Stace. When Mussolini here lets you have a break, come down for a cup of coffee. On the house."
"I will," I say with probably too much enthusiasm.
Maddy goes back upstairs, which leaves Grace and I alone in the store again. "Don't mind her," Grace says. "Maddy can take some getting used to."
"I know the feeling," I say and feel strangely proud of my little girl.
Chapter 24
Grace and I have the store to ourselves for three hours. She uses that time to show me around the store, which doesn't take long, and to explain how things work. "Some people will want to barter, maybe trade some of their old clothes for our old clothes. If they do, let me know and I'll take a look at them."
"Sure," I say. "Don't you have any men's clothes?"
"We used to, but not many men come in here. Most straight guys aren't that particular where they shop and the gay guys go more upscale. So I phased that out. If a guy does come in here, he's probably a cross-dresser."
I feel my face turn red, though it shouldn't. I'm not a cross-dresser. I'm not a transsexual either. Dr. Palmer made sure of that. I'm a hundred percent real woman. Still, if I ever did tell Maddy what happened to me, she'd probably lump me in with those weirdoes.
"Yeah, I know, we get all kinds in here. Not nearly enough like you."
"What do you mean by that?"
"Nice girls. Most people who come in here are conceited as hell. Myself included."
"And Maddy?"
"Maddy's got other issues."
"She seems normal enough. Except for the hair and rings."
Grace waves a hand at the air. "She's going through a phase. God, listen to me. I sound like my grandma. Next thing you know, I'm going to invite you upstairs for cookies and milk."
I want to press Grace about what kind of issues Maddy has, but the door opens and a fat woman walks in; she wears a tank top and shorts that show me far more of her than I want to see. Grace nudges me in the ribs. "Go get 'em, tiger."
I force myself to take a few deep breaths. I've faced down hundreds of psychopaths in my career; I can handle one fat woman. I fake a smile as I approach her. "Hi. Can I help you find something?"
"I need a dress. A hot dress. I got a date tonight and I need to look good."
My first instinct is to tell her if she wants to look good she should book an appointment for some liposuction. But I need this job so I can stay close to Maddy and so I don't have to keep sponging off Jake and Tess. "Sure. Our dresses are over here."
I show her over to the racks of dresses, where I got my church dress from. I'm not sure if Grace has any plus size dresses. She's taken cover by the register, where she hides behind her psych textbook. The old sink or swim technique.
I give the fat woman a couple of minutes to go through our offerings. "Anything you like?"
"I said hot. These all look like dresses my grandma would wear."
"I can check in the back-"
"Yeah, you do that."
The back room is where Grace leaves all the stuff she hasn't sorted through yet. That will probably be one of my new duties. I get a head start by sticking both hands into a cardboard box nearly as tall as I am. I pull out handfuls of clothes, to look for something that might make the fat woman happy. I can't imagine Grace will fire me if I don't close this first deal, but she probably won't be impressed either.
I manage to find a few things that might fit. When I get back, the fat woman is browsing the undergarments. This unfortunately makes me think of her naked. As unhappy as I am about what FY-1978 did to me, at least it didn't make me look like that.
"This is all I could find," I say.
She snatches the dresses away from me. She tosses the first two to the floor without a word. The third one she holds up to her body. It's a short, strapless number that's bright red, guaranteed to draw far too much attention to her. "This might do," she says.
"You're welcome to try it on in the changing room."
I'm not sure if the changing room will be big enough, but I'm pleasantly surprised when she doesn't get stuck in the doorway. I stand back; I hear her grunt and pant a lot. I hope she's just trying on the dress.
It looks as bad on her as I imagined; it exposes more of her than the tank top and shorts. "What do you think?" she asks.
I got plenty of experience in lying to a fat woman from when Debbie was pregnant with Maddy. I try not to let my smile waver as I say, "That certainly looks hot."
"Yeah, I think I'll wear it out of here. You mind?"
"No, that's fine. I just need to find out the price." I shuffle over to the cash register. The fat woman follows me, which makes it easier to tell Grace which dress the fat woman wants.
"How much you want?" the fat woman asks.
Grace puts down her book to study the dress. "Let's say fifty bucks."
"Fine." The fat woman reaches into her purse for the money.
"Is that all I can get for you today?" I ask.
"I think that'll do it," she says. Grace stands aside so I can ring it up. The woman pays with cash, a crisp hundred-dollar bill. I count back the change while Grace puts the fat woman's tank top and shorts into a bag.
"There you go. Have a nice day," I say.
"Yeah, sure."
I wait until the woman waddles out the front door to sigh. Grace claps me on the shoulder. "You're a natural, kid."
"Thanks."
"I'm not sure I could have handled it so well. I mean, did you see her arms? They looked like two uncooked loaves of bread."
"It was pretty gross." Something about the encounter bothers me. It takes me a moment before I figure it out. "When I came in yesterday, did you just tell me what I wanted to hear? Does this look bad on me?"
"I could answer that, but how do you know I won't be lying?"
"That sounds like a dodge."
"Some people you have to lie to. Some can handle the truth. Now if I'd tried to sell you a dress like that, then I'd have to lie."
"You don't think I'd look hot in a dress like that?"
She puts a hand on my shoulder. "Of course you would. But would you really want to wear something like that?"
I think for a moment and then shake my head. "No, I guess not."
"Then stop complaining, would you? You did fine. Better than fine. You were great. Now, why don't you take a break? Go fetch us a couple of cappuccinos."
"Sure," I say, grateful to get away. As I reach the door, it occurs to me I'm just as insecure as the fat woman or Debbie when she was pregnant. Women.
***
The Kozee Koffee is empty when I get there. I'm about to call out when I hear the toilet flush in the ladies room. Maddy appears a minute later; she wipes her hands on her apron. "I was wondering when you'd show up," she says with a smile.
"Grace wants a cappuccino."
"Yeah? What about you?"
"I'll have one too."
I reach into my pocket, but Maddy waves at me. "Don't bother with that. It's on the house." While she starts on Grace's cappuccino, she asks, "How's the first day going?"
"I made my first sale."
"That fat girl in the red dress, right?"
"How'd you know?"
"I figured from the way she was strutting around. Some people are so delusional." Maddy passes a cappuccino across the counter. "So now you're not a sales virgin, eh?"
"Yeah, I guess."
"You don't seem too happy about it."
"It's great. Really." I force myself to smile while inside I kick myself. This isn't how I wanted things to go. I want us to hit it off, to become best friends. The only problem is I don't know how to be friends with Maddy. I don't know her at all. What I do know came from Grace-my daughter's lover.
Maddy picks up the second cappuccino, the on
e earmarked for Grace, and takes a sip of it. "That's good shit, don't you think?"
"It is pretty good."
"Come on, let's have a seat."
We don't sit inside. Instead we go outside, to one of the tables by the sidewalk. There's not much foot traffic right now. Maddy takes another sip of Grace's cappuccino. "How long ago did you run away?" she asks and I nearly spit out my coffee.
"How did you know?"
"You got the look. It's like one of those wild tigers at the zoo."
"I'm not going to hurt anyone."
"I don't mean that. I mean you keep looking around, like you're waiting for someone to throw a net on you again."
"I am?" I'm not aware I look like that, but then I've always had to keep on my toes to stay alive. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry. I've seen a lot of girls like you around here. So what happened? You get tired of the suburbs? Or were your parents just shitheads?"
"Shitheads," I say. "They didn't treat me very well, so I thought I'd go out on my own."
"And now here you are."
"Here I am." I'm quick to add, "I'm staying with my aunt. She's really nice."
"She's not really your aunt, is she?"
"What makes you think that?"
"Deductive reasoning."
"What are you, Sherlock Holmes or something?"
"No. My dad's a cop."
"He is?"
"Yeah, or he was. He might be retired by now."
"You don't know?"
"I haven't seen him in years. My mom got full custody in the divorce."
"That's too bad."
When Maddy shrugs I almost start to cry again. "He wasn't around much before they got divorced. He was married to his job."
"But I'm sure he cares about you."
"He never even sent a birthday card."
That's true. I never sent her a card. I figured Debbie would just throw them away. Still, I should have at least tried. She is my daughter. "That's pretty bad," I say. "But at least he didn't punch you in the face for your birthday."
"Your father did that?"
"On my sixteenth birthday. I had a black eye for a week."
"No wonder you ran away." Maddy reaches across the table to take my hand. "You don't have to worry about that anymore. You're free now. Grace and I will help you get on your feet. How about you have dinner with us tonight? I'm not much of a cook, but Grace is like fucking Rachel Ray."
"I'd love to. I'll have to call my aunt. She worries about me."
"I can see why."