Someone walks into the coffeehouse. Maddy stands up from the table. She passes the cappuccino to me. "I'll see you tonight."
"Sure." I let out a sigh and smile. Things didn't go quite as I hoped, but we made some progress. It's a start.
Chapter 25
I make two more sales that day. A couple of hipsters who want something to wear ironically. Each sale gets easier as I grow more comfortable lying to them. I remind myself a lot of police work involves deception; you have to make a criminal think you know more than you do so he'll confess. By comparison it's much easier to tell a girl she looks good in a T-shirt two sizes too small.
Grace doesn't have any problem with Maddy's invitation for dinner. "Sounds like a good idea. Can't promise you anything too fancy, though."
"Maddy said you're like Rachel Ray."
"Only in that I can make something edible in thirty minutes or less."
"I'm sure she didn't mean to put you on the spot."
"It'll be fine." Grace sighs. "Sometimes Maddy doesn't think things through."
"That's not always a bad thing."
"No, most of the time it's great. Other times it gets annoying."
"This is one of the annoying times."
"A little, yeah. Less so if you can handle things for an hour while I hit the grocery store."
"No problem."
While I'm alone I use the phone to call Tess. "My boss invited me for dinner," I say.
"Dinner? That seems a little forward."
"She's nice." I don't mention anything about Maddy; I know Tess would not be happy about me having dinner with a couple of lesbians. She's not the most open-minded on that subject. Not that I'm all that open to it, but if that's what Maddy wants to be then I'll support it. "It shouldn't be too long."
There's silence on the phone for a moment. Then Tess says, "I'll send Jacob to pick you up at nine o'clock. I don't want you riding the train alone at night."
I want to protest I can take care of myself, but I know it won't do any good with Tess. She's taken me in as her surrogate daughter and she's going to make sure nothing happens to me. "All right. I'll be ready."
"Good. So how are things going there?"
"Great. I made three sales already. Grace says I'm a natural."
"That's very good to hear," Tess says, though she doesn't sound too enthused about it. A few hours haven't improved her view of my new job yet. "I suppose I should let you get back to it. Goodbye, sweetheart."
"Goodbye-Aunt Tess." I can almost hear her smile before I hang up. She'd probably rather I called her Mom, but this is the next best thing. I lean back against the wall and sigh. Things have become too complicated.
***
Grace closes up at seven o'clock. She's already been upstairs for an hour to get dinner ready while I mind the store. She shows me how to lock the register and then bring down the metal shutters over the windows and doors. "How is Maddy going to get in?" I ask.
"She uses the fire escape."
"Is that safe?"
"Sure, she does it all the time."
I'd like to go out and check the fire escape myself, but that would look too paranoid. Instead I follow Grace upstairs. She's got two big pots on the stove, one filled with pasta and another with tomato sauce. "You like spaghetti?" she asks.
"I love spaghetti."
"Good. This is all organic stuff. Real organic, not the shit they sell at the A&P or Wal-Mart. We're vegetarians, in case you're wondering."
"That's fine."
"But you're a meat-and-potatoes kind of girl, right?"
"I haven't been able to be picky lately."
Grace stirs the sauce while she asks me seemingly off-hand, "You been having to eat out of dumpsters?"
"A few. Is it really that obvious?"
"I talked to Maddy after I got the stuff. She's going to pick up a bottle of wine."
"I'm not old enough to drink."
"We won't tell-"
"My uncle is picking me up at nine. He'll smell it on my breath."
"Sounds like you've got a pretty strict aunt and uncle."
"They're just old-fashioned."
While Grace tends to the pasta, I walk around the rest of the apartment. It's not much bigger than mine was. There are two bedrooms, but I notice the smaller one has a lot of dust in it. No surprise that Maddy and Grace are sharing a bed.
In lieu of a coffee table or end tables in the living room, someone-I assume it's Grace-has stacked up old books. A few deal with psychology, but others are dictionaries, encyclopedias, and even old phone books. The posters on the walls are for movies in the last decade, probably ones the theater threw away. In all it looks like the kind of place for a couple of modern young women in the city.
I make myself at home on a saggy gray couch that for some reason smells like Thai food. There's no wall between the living room and kitchen, so I can still watch Grace as she works. She picks up a bottle of some kind of spice to shake a little in. Maddy shows up a few minutes later. "Like the couch? We found it on the corner last week. It was a pain in the ass to carry it up."
"It's nice," I say. I hope she can't tell I'm lying. While I know there's nothing wrong with Maddy and Grace's apartment, the father in me wants my daughter to live somewhere nicer, like a palace. She deserves better than a couch fished out of the trash.
"I'm going to take a quick shower and change," Maddy says.
"Dinner will be ready in twenty minutes," Grace says.
"A real quick shower then."
"Every day she does that," Grace says after Maddy's turned on the water in the shower. "I think she hates the smell of coffee."
"Maybe," I say. Or maybe there was something else she hated about the smell of the coffeehouse that bothered her. As confident and happy as she seemed, maybe she wanted more than to be a barista. I wish I could talk to her about that, but I'm still a relative stranger.
Grace has dinner on the table when Maddy steps out of the bedroom. Her hair is still damp, but it seems a little less pink than before. She's changed into an oversized light blue shirt and a pair of dark blue shorts, only the hem visible. I can't help but notice Maddy has very nice legs, long and toned, like her mother's.
"Glad you could join us," Grace teases. At least I hope she's teasing and this isn't a resumption of their earlier hostilities.
"I wouldn't want to miss this," Maddy says. She gives Grace a chaste kiss. Then she turns to me. "Grace's spaghetti is the best. Not like that canned shit my mom makes."
Debbie never was much of a cook. She was the kind of person who could have burned water. Not that I'm any better. That's why I spent most of my dinners at bars or Rosie's or with Jake and Tess.
I dig my fork into the noodles and sauce. I feel them watch me as I taste it. It is a hell of a lot better than any spaghetti I've had before. "This is great. A lot better than the dumpster."
It takes them both a minute to realize I've made a joke. Then they laugh a lot harder than they need to. Grace pats me on the shoulder. "She's starting to come around. We'll have that shell broken in no time."
Maddy sits down next to me. Now that she's showered, she smells like something floral-violets? Did she put perfume on to impress Grace or me? Maybe both of us. She wraps a hearty ball of pasta around her fork in true Italian fashion. I wonder where she learned that from; it certainly wasn't from me.
"So how was your first day?" Maddy asks.
"It was great. A lot of fun."
"You're just saying that because I'm sitting here, aren't you?" Grace asks.
"No, I really enjoyed it." I'm not lying when I say this. When Dr. Palmer suggested I find another line of work, being a cop seemed like the only thing I could do. But there was something nice about Grace's shop. Maybe it was that I didn't have to worry much some punk would put a bullet in me. Or maybe that I didn't have to stare at the underbelly of society. For one day I could
pretend everything was good and everyone was happy. "I can come back tomorrow, right?"
"After that first sale I'm ready to hand over the keys to you." Grace turns to Maddy. "You should have seen the hippo who waddled in there."
"I did see her. I can't believe sweet little Stace here talked her into that." When Maddy pats my shoulder I can't help but grin from ear to ear. "You should be selling used cars."
"I'm not that good."
"Don't be so modest," Grace says. "You did a hell of a job. A lot better than my first day. My first customer tried to shiv me with a hanger."
"I said I was sorry," Maddy says and the three of us laugh.
I let them carry most of the conversation through dinner. Like most married couples they talk about their neighbors and small domestic matters like whether they should call someone to look at the leaky sink. There's a lot I'd still like to ask Maddy, but from the sound of it, she's contented enough. She and Grace seem happy together. And she did it without any help from me.
The subject eventually turns back to me. "You should come out with us this weekend," Maddy says. While Grace smiles, I see her mouth twitch for a moment. This is another of those moments where Maddy speaks before she thinks.
"I'm not sure I can," I say. "My aunt doesn't like me being out after dark."
"She's not even really your aunt, so fuck her."
"Maddy-"
"Sorry. I'm sure she's a nice woman. Doesn't mean you have to let her keep such a tight leash on you."
"She just worries about me. After everything that happened, she has reason to."
Maddy sees she's gone too far this time. "I'm sorry. I just meant it might be fun for the three of us to go out. We don't have to go to a club or anything. We could go to a movie. Something G-rated for your aunt."
I smile at the joke. It's hard to imagine Tess with Grace and especially Maddy with her pink hair, piercings, and tattoos. I feel a sad lump in my stomach as I remember how Tess used to play peek-a-boo with Maddy when she was a baby.
"I was just kidding," Maddy says.
"I know. I was thinking of something else." I tell them about Jenny, though I don't use her name. By the time I've finished, all three of us have tears in our eyes.
"That's so sad," Grace says.
"No wonder your aunt worries about you," Maddy adds. She wipes at her eyes and then forces a smile. "It was just a thought."
"I'll talk to her about it," I say. I check the clock over Grace's shoulder: it's fifteen minutes to nine. "I should probably get going."
"You haven't even had dessert yet," Maddy says. It touches me that she doesn't want me to go yet. I don't want to leave her either, but Jake will probably be early and he won't be happy if I make him wait.
"I couldn't eat another bite anyway," I say. That's a lie. I'm still famished despite two plates of pasta. Apparently my stomach hasn't caught up with the rest of me yet.
"I'll wrap something up for you," Grace suggests. She goes into the kitchen to cut a piece of tiramisu for me.
This gives me a chance to say goodbye to Maddy. "This was a lot of fun," I say. "It's been a while since I had a chance to hang out with someone my own age."
"You're welcome to hang out here anytime you want." Maddy gives me a hug I wish would go on a lot longer than it does. I remember when she used to wrap her arms around my neck and press her little cheek against my shirt. How did I ever let things get this way between us?
"I'll see you tomorrow," I say. I hope to escape before I start to bawl.
Grace escorts me down through the store so she can unlock the door; she doesn't want me to try the fire escape in the dark. Her hug is briefer, though still gentle. "You need anything, you let us know, all right?"
"I will. Thanks."
As expected, Jake is out front in the car, smoking a cigarette. He stares at Grace, to size her up the way a cop does. "So that's your boss, eh?" he asks once I'm in the car. Grace waves as we drive away.
"Yeah, that's her."
"Looks like a flake."
"Then maybe I'm a flake too, because I like her."
"You get to see Maddy?"
"She's upstairs." I turn to Jake and study his face as I ask, "Did you know Maddy was a lesbian?"
"No," he says. I can tell from the way his cheek twitches that he's lying. He knows I know too. "She came over to visit Jenny a few times. One time she was all broken up about something. I thought it was Jenny being sick, but it was some other girl who dumped her."
"So she's been that way for a while? And you never told me?"
"You could have asked her yourself. She wanted you to."
"She say that?"
"She doesn't have to say it. Every time she came over she'd ask about you." Jake flicks his cigarette out the window. He reaches into his jacket for another while I feel like he's punched me in the stomach.
"I should have called her," I say. "Or at least sent a fucking birthday card."
"You aren't going to get an argument from me."
"I was a really shitty father, wasn't I?"
"It was a bad situation with you and Debbie."
"And I made it worse."
"Maybe. There's no way to know for sure. Not even Dr. Nath invented a time machine. Speaking of which, Dr. Palmer sent me some stuff."
"What stuff?"
"Your test results." It's too dark to read through them, so Jake gives me the short version. "She says you're definitely a woman, and the FY-1978 is still in your system."
"She said as much at the hospital."
"Yeah, but now she's sure."
"What about you?"
"If it's good enough for her, it's good enough for me."
"So what's she going to do about it?"
"She wants to see you tomorrow."
"Tomorrow? But-"
"Take a sick day."
I look in the rearview mirror. I don't want to have to call in sick on my second day, but this is too important. Maybe Dr. Palmer can find some way to cure me, so I can see Maddy as myself and make things right.
Chapter 26
I can't sleep that night. I wind up on the couch again and fall asleep to another infomercial. In my dreams it becomes a commercial for FY-1978. A picture of the old me is brought up on the screen. I look hung over, my eyes red and days of gray stubble on my chin. "Look at this broken down old man," the tanned, aging host says. "He's so disgusting he can't even bring himself to talk to his only daughter."
The audience boos theatrically, as if this is really a taping of The Jerry Springer Show. "But with FY-1978 we can make even this monster beautiful."
All of the sudden someone gives me a push onto the stage, into blinding lights. I hear the audience gasp. "Look at the difference FY-1978 can make for you!"
My vision clears enough that I can see my female body. Just as when I first woke up as a woman, I'm naked. I try to cover my breasts with my hands, but it's already too late. Behind me I see the split-screen before and after pictures. The host comes to stand next to me and says, "FY-1978, it's like a Fountain of Youth in a syringe!"
I don't realize I've been screaming until Tess shakes me awake. "It's all right, dear," she says. "It was just a nightmare."
I look around and see the living room of Jake's house. There's no audience in the room, just Tess. Thank God I'm clad in a gray T-shirt and sweatpants too. I let Tess wrap me in a hug and pull me close. She strokes my hair and whispers to me that everything is all right. I'm not so sure about that.
***
When I call Grace in the morning, I don't tell her I'm sick. Instead I tell her I have to go down to the police station to fill out some paperwork about a restraining order against my no-good parents. She accepts this without question. It makes me smile when she says, "Do you want any moral support?"
"Thanks, but my aunt and uncle will be there. I'm sorry about the timing."
"It's fine. We
probably won't be very busy anyway."
With my flimsy excuse in place, I'm free to head off to the meeting with Dr. Palmer. She's arranged to meet us at Lennox's headquarters downtown. Because it's such a swanky place, I wear my church dress and a pair of formal shoes from Jenny's closet.
Throughout the drive, I try to arrange the skirt so I'm comfortable without my privates visible to anyone. "I don't know how anyone can stand these," I say.
"Just think of it like a shorter bathrobe," Jake says. This advice isn't very helpful. I finally find a somewhat comfortable position and then fiddle with my hair. Tess brushed it out this morning and then used a couple of barrettes to keep it out of my face. I try to smooth it down anyway; I don't want to look like an urchin as Tess says.
The headquarters for Lennox is a sparkling tower of turquoise glass surrounded by a lot of other gleaming towers. We go around to park in the underground garage and circle down three levels before we find a spot.
Before we get out, Jake turns to me. "No matter what happens, I'll help you through it, all right?"
"I know," I say. "Do I look all right?"
Jake shakes his head. "God, you really are becoming a woman. You look fine. Not that Dr. Palmer will care."
"Maybe she doesn't, but there are a lot of people there who might. I don't want security running me out of the place like I'm a bum."
"No one's going to think you're a bum. You're too well-dressed."
"Thanks."
We take the elevator up to the lobby. As soon as the doors open, I can hear the fountain bubbling. It's just as big as I've heard, two stories of marble in the shape of Athena, the Greek goddess of wisdom. At least that's what Dr. Palmer says. She's there to meet us right by the elevators in a dark blue suit. Again I can't help but feel jealous at how much better she looks in formal clothes than I do.
"You look lovely," she says and gives me a brief hug.
"Thanks. So do you."
"This is quite the spread you guys have," Jake says as the bad cop.
"Pharmaceuticals are a big business," Dr. Palmer says. She gives us a tour of the lobby and explains about the fountain of Athena. "It's supposed to be symbolic of something. I'm not sure what."
"It's beautiful. Can I make a wish on it?"
Dr. Palmer shrugs. "You can try. Mostly just little kids do that."
"I'm not a little kid!"
"Yeah, well, it couldn't hurt to try for a little extra luck," Jake says. He reaches into his pocket for a quarter. He presses it into my hand.