LETTER XXV
MR. LOVELACE, TO JOHN BELFORD, ESQ.
I thought it was now high time to turn my whole mind to my beloved; whohad had full leisure to weigh the contents of the letters I had left withher.
I therefore requested Mrs. Moore to step in, and desire to know whethershe would be pleased to admit me to attend her in her apartment, onoccasion of the letters I had left with her; or whether she would favourme with her company in the dining-room?
Mrs. Moore desired Miss Rawlins to accompany her in to the lady. Theytapped at the door, and were both admitted.
I cannot but stop here for one minute to remark, though against myself,upon that security which innocence gives, that nevertheless had betterhave in it a greater mixture of the serpent with the dove. For here,heedless of all I could say behind her back, because she was satisfiedwith her own worthiness, she permitted me to go on with my own story,without interruption, to persons as great strangers to her as me; andwho, as strangers to both, might be supposed to lean to the side mostinjured; and that, as I managed it, was to mine. A dear, silly soul,thought I, at the time, to depend upon the goodness of her own heart,when the heart cannot be seen into but by its actions; and she, toappearance, a runaway, an eloper, from a tender, a most indulgenthusband!--To neglect to cultivate the opinion of individuals, when thewhole world is governed by appearance!
Yet what can be expected of an angel under twenty?--She has a world ofknowledge:--knowledge speculative, as I may say, but no experience.--Howshould she?--Knowledge by theory only is a vague, uncertain light: a Willo' the Wisp, which as often misleads the doubting mind, as puts it right.
There are many things in the world, could a moralizer say, that wouldafford inexpressible pleasure to a reflecting mind, were it not for themixture they come to us with. To be graver still, I have seen parents,[perhaps my own did so,] who delighted in those very qualities in theirchildren while young, the natural consequences of which, (too muchindulged and encouraged,) made them, as they grew up, the plague of theirhearts.--To bring this home to my present purpose, I must tell thee, thatI adore this charming creature for her vigilant prudence; but yet I wouldnot, methinks, wish her, by virtue of that prudence, which is, however,necessary to carry her above the devices of all the rest of the world, tobe too wise for mine.
My revenge, my sworn revenge, is, nevertheless, (adore her as I will,)uppermost in my heart.--Miss Howe says that my love is a Herodian love.*By my soul, that girl's a witch! I am half sorry to say, that I find apleasure in playing the tyrant over what I love. Call it an ungenerouspleasure, if thou wilt: softer hearts than mine know it. The women, to awoman, know it, and show it too, whenever they are trusted with power.And why should it be thought strange, that I, who love them so dearly,and study them so much, should catch the infection of them?
* See Letter XX. of this volume.