The next day, when the kids tried to go outside for recess, they only made it down to the fourth floor. The stairs were completely jammed with other kids from lower classrooms.
“Hey, what’s going on?” shouted Joy.
“Louis won’t let anyone outside,” somebody shouted back. “He’s painting the blacktop!”
“But I have to go to the bathroom!” yelled Stephen.
“Now he’s gone too far!” said Joy. “Excuse me, out of my way, sorry, coming through!” she said as she squeezed in and out of kids, crawled through legs, climbed over heads, until she made her way to the door at the bottom of the stairs.
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Louis was slopping black paint across the blacktop. Joy could see him through the glass door. Next to him was a big bucket of paint.
“MR. LOUIS!” she shouted so loud that even the kids back up on the fourth floor had to put their hands over their ears.
He came to the door.
“What are you doing?” Joy demanded.
“The blacktop isn’t black,” explained Louis. “It’s gray. A blacktop is supposed to be black. It’s right here on page forty-three of the POOPS handbook.”
He opened the book and showed page forty-three to Joy.
Joy grabbed the book and threw it out across the graytop. It landed plop in the bucket of black paint.
All the kids behind her cheered.
“You’re the Poop!” said Joy.
Louis’s red face turned even redder. The place where his mustache used to be turned purple.
“That’s Mr. Poop to you,” he said.
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Chapter 17
Why the Children Decided They Had to Get Rid of Mrs. Drazil
1. She was nice.
“I made cookies for everyone this morning,” Mrs. Drazil announced.
Everyone cheered.
2. She thought up ways to make learning interesting.
“I made five dozen cookies,” she said. “There are twelve cookies in a dozen. So, who can tell me how many cookies I made?”
Joe waved his arm back and forth. “I know! I know!” he said.
“Okay, Joe,” said Mrs. Drazil. “How many cookies did I make?”
“Five dozen,” Joe said proudly.
3. She was patient.
“Yes, I made five dozen cookies,” said Mrs. Drazil. “I told you that. But how many cookies are there?”
“Five dozen,” said Joe.
“But how many cookies are in five dozen?” asked Mrs. Drazil.
“Huh?” asked Joe.
“How much is twelve times five?” asked Mrs. Drazil.
“Uh, just a second,” said Joe. “Can I use pencil and paper?”
“Certainly,” said Mrs. Drazil.
Joe took out a piece of paper and a pencil. He wrote the number five on the piece of paper, then tore it into twelve pieces. “Sixty!” he said.
Nobody quite understood Joe’s mathematical methods.
4. She was fair.
“Yes, there are sixty cookies,” she said. “And there are twenty-eight children in the class. So, how many cookies should each child get?”
Bebe raised her hand. “A hundred,” she said.
“You can’t have a hundred cookies,” said Mrs. Drazil. “I only made sixty.”
“Make some more,” said Bebe.
“I made sixty,” said Mrs. Drazil. “I’m not making any more.”
“Okay,” Bebe said with a sigh. “I’ll take sixty.”
“We have to divide them evenly,” said Mrs. Drazil. “How many cookies should each child get, so that every child gets the same amount?”
John raised his hand. “Everyone can have two cookies,” he said, “and there will be four left over.”
“Can I have them?” asked Bebe.
Allison raised her hand. “Everyone can have exactly two and one-seventh cookies,” she said.
“Very good, Allison,” said Mrs. Drazil. “And John, you were right too.” She gave everyone exactly two and one-seventh cookies.
5. She was a good cook.
“Best cookies I ever had in my whole life!” said Stephen.
Everyone agreed.
“I got the recipe from Miss Mush,” said Mrs. Drazil.
“You did?” several kids said together.
“I just added a pinch of this and a little of that,” said Mrs. Drazil.
6. She knew what a goozack was.
“Jason, would you please open the door?” she said.
Everyone gasped.
“What’s the matter?” she asked.
“You said the D-word!” said Dana.
“Door?” asked Mrs. Drazil.
Everyone gasped again.
“You’re supposed to call it a goozack,” explained Dana.
“Who said so?” asked Mrs. Drazil.
“Mr. Kidswatter,” said Dana.
“Mr. Kidswatter is a goozack,” said Mrs. Drazil.
Yes, Mrs. Drazil was smart. She was nice. She made learning interesting. She was patient and fair. And she even could make Miss Mush’s cookies taste good.
But she made Louis shave off his mustache.
And so she had to go.
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Chapter 18
The Blue Notebook
They had a plan. It all depended on Sharie.
Everyone just hoped she wouldn’t fall asleep first. Sharie often fell asleep in class.
C’mon, Sharie, thought Deedee. You can do it.
Sharie looked out the window. The sky was full of big, fluffy clouds. She yawned. The clouds looked like giant pillows.
Sharie imagined herself wrapped up in one of those clouds, soft and cozy. She pulled her blue-and-red overcoat snugly over her head.
Her eyes closed. Then they opened wide. “Whazzat?!” she shouted.
“Sharie?” said Mrs. Drazil.
“Look!” shouted Sharie, pointing out the window. “It’s a — Hurry!” Her long eyelashes stuck straight out.
Mrs. Drazil hurried to Sharie’s desk. “What is it?”
“A spaceship!” said Sharie. “From outer space!”
On the other side of the room, Deedee dropped her pencil. She bent down to pick it up, then stayed down.
Deedee was part of the plan too. She had a dangerous mission. She had volunteered for it. She felt it was her duty, since she was the one who had brought Louis up to meet Mrs. Drazil in the first place.
“You don’t have to do it,” Ron had told her. “Mrs. Drazil would have seen Louis sooner or later.”
“No, I’ll do it,” Deedee had bravely replied.
Now she crawled across the floor.
Mrs. Drazil looked out the window. “Where?” she asked.
“Wait, it went behind a cloud,” said Sharie.
“What did it look like?” asked Mrs. Drazil.
“Like a giant hamburger,” said Sharie. “But there was a zizzle stick hanging down from the bottom!”
Deedee crawled to the teacher’s desk. She reached up and quietly opened the top drawer. She removed the blue notebook.
Mrs. Drazil stared out the window. “What’s a zizzle stick?” she asked.
“I don’t know,” Sharie said very mysteriously. “They don’t have them here on earth.”
Deedee crawled safely back to her seat.
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At recess everyone crowded around Deedee as she went through the blue notebook.
“Louis once put a frog in Mrs. Drazil’s shoe,” she said.
“Why wasn’t her shoe on her foot?” asked Jenny.
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“It doesn’t say,” said Deedee. “There’s a whole list of bad things Louis did. And he made it sound like Mrs. Drazil picked on him for no reason!”
“No wonder she put a trash can on his head!” said Todd.
“What else did he do?” asked Eric Bacon, who was always looking for new ideas.
But Deedee had already turned the page.
“There are other kids a lot worse than Louis,” she said, flipping through the pages.
“What are you looking for?” asked Ron.
“I don’t know yet,” said Deedee. “But I’ll know it when I see it.”
She saw it!
It was a note to Mrs. Drazil from a girl named Jane Smith. Deedee read it aloud.
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Dear Lizard Face,
Guess what? I didn’t do my homework again! HA HA HA! And there’s nothing you can do about it because you’re too stupid and ugly! HA HA HA! My family is moving away tomorrow! And you don’t know where! HA HA HA! Rub a monkey’s tummy! By the time you get this letter, I’ll be gone. Rub a monkey’s tummy with your head!
Love and Kisses,
Jane Smith
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Everyone was shocked.
“How old is that letter?” asked Myron.
Deedee checked the date, then did the math in her head. “Jane Smith wrote it twenty-six years ago.”
“And look,” said Ron, reading over Deedee’s shoulder. “Jane didn’t do her last twelve homework assignments!”
After recess Sharie saw the UFO again, and Deedee returned the notebook to Mrs. Drazil’s desk.
Now all they had to do was find Jane Smith.
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Chapter 19
Time out
Miss Zarves taught the class on the nineteenth story. There is no nineteenth story. And there is no Miss Zarves.
You already know all that.
But how do you explain the cow in her classroom?
Miss Zarves drew a triangle on the blackboard. “A triangle has three sides,” she said, then pointed to each side. “One, two, three.” She drew a square. “A square has four sides. One, two, three, four.”
She walked around the cow to the other side of the board. She drew a pentagon, a hexagon, and a perfect heptagon. “A heptagon has seven sides,” she said.
Miss Zarves was very good at drawing shapes. When most people try to draw heptagons, there is always one side that sticks out funny. But Miss Zarves’s heptagon was perfect. Every side was the same length, and every angle the same degree.
It was a great talent. But nobody appreciated her.
Nobody appreciated anything she did. It was like they didn’t know she was there.
She counted the sides on the heptagon. “One, two, three, fo—”
“MOOOOO,” said the cow.
Miss Zarves dropped her chalk. She glared at the cow. “I hate this!” she shouted.
It was a brown cow with a white head.
“It’s all right, Miss Zarves,” said Virginia, her best student. “I’ll get the chalk for you.”
“No,” said Miss Zarves. “Leave it where it is. The cow made me drop the chalk. The cow should pick it up.”
Her students gaped at her.
“I will not continue,” said Miss Zarves, “until that cow picks up the piece of chalk and draws an octagon on the board!” She folded her arms across her chest, stared at the cow, and waited.
Ray raised his hand.
“Yes, Ray,” said Miss Zarves, arms still folded across her chest.
“Uh, cows can’t pick up chalk,” said Ray.
Miss Zarves sighed. “I know,” she said. “And I can’t teach with a cow in my classroom!”
No one had ever seen Miss Zarves so upset. She usually had a pleasant disposition.
“It’s okay, Miss Zarves,” said Virginia. “I don’t mind the cow.”
“You get used to it after a while,” said Ray.
“What cow?” asked Nick. “Oh, that one! I forgot it was there.”
Miss Zarves smiled. She knew her students were trying to make her feel better.
“Other classrooms have goldfish or hamsters,” said Virginia. “It’s really no different.”
“No,” said Miss Zarves. “I won’t have it! All my life I’ve tried to be accommodating. I’ve never been one to complain. And what has it gotten me? A cow!”
She shook her head. “When I was a little girl, my friends never did what I wanted to do,” she said. “I always had to do whatever they wanted to do.
“And my teacher never called on me in class. She always called on the kids who just shouted out without raising their hands, even though she said she wouldn’t. She’d say, ‘I won’t call on you if you don’t raise your hand,’ but then she always did anyway. But I was a good girl. I never shouted out.
“And she always did things alphabetically, so I was always last, if there was time for me at all.
“My parents were too busy for me. They were always dressing up and going out to fancy parties. I had to tuck myself in at night and wish myself sweet dreams.”
She took a tissue out of her sleeve and wiped a tear from her eye.
“Still, I always tried to keep a smile on my face. Well, not anymore! The days of walk-all-over-Miss-Zarves are finished!”
She threw open her classroom door. “The squeaky wheel gets the grease!”
“What are you going to do?” asked Virginia.
“I’m going out there!” said Miss Zarves. “And I’m not coming back until I get some grease!”
She stepped outside. She decided she’d go right to the top! So she headed down the stairs — to the principal’s office.
Joy and Maurecia were coming up the stairs.
“Todd is uglier than stupid,” said Maurecia.
“You’re crazy!” said Joy. “He’s stupider than ugly.”
“Oooh,” teased Maurecia. “I’m going to tell Todd you think he’s cute.”
Miss Zarves stepped in front of them. “What are you children doing out of class?” she asked.
“I didn’t say he was cute,” said Joy. “He’s just not as ugly as he is stupid.”
“That means you think he’s handsome,” said Maurecia. “Are you going to marry him?”
“I asked you a question,” said Miss Zarves.
“Ugh, gross!” said Joy.
“I’m a teacher,” said Miss Zarves. “That means you are supposed to listen to me.”
Joy and Maurecia walked right past her.
Miss Zarves sighed, then continued down to Mr. Kidswatter’s office. She took a deep breath to steady her nerves. She was about to knock but then changed her mind and just marched right in. “Hey, Kidswatter, I want to talk to you!”
The principal was making a rubber-band ball.
“Do you hear me?” asked Miss Zarves.
He opened his desk drawer and looked for some more rubber bands.
“If you don’t answer me right now,” said Miss Zarves, “I’m walking out the door and never coming back!”
Mr. K. pressed the buzzer on his phone. “Miss Night, you need to order more rubber bands.”
“That’s it!” said Miss Zarves. “I’m leaving. Good-bye. I quit!”
She walked out of the school and took a deep breath of fresh air.
“Please don’t go, Miss Zarves,” said a voice behind her.
Startled, she turned around.
“We need you,” said a bald-headed man. He was standing between two other men. Both had black mustaches, and one carried a black attaché case. The bald man didn’t have a mustache.
“Can you see me?” she asked.
“Yes, of course,” said the bald man
. “And we appreciate all your hard work.”
“You do?”
All three nodded very sincerely.
Miss Zarves was touched. “I’ve been teaching for thirty years,” she said. “And nobody has ever said that before.”
“Well, it’s not easy being a teacher,” said the bald man.
“I don’t get any respect,” said Miss Zarves. “People treat me like I’m a nobody.”
“It’s not easy being a teacher,” said the man with the attaché case. “You have to work long hours for very little money.”
“I’ve never gotten paid,” said Miss Zarves. “And this is the first time in thirty years I’ve ever left the building.”
“It’s not easy being a teacher,” agreed the other man with a mustache.
“Even the book I’m reading to my class,” said Miss Zarves. “The author makes fun of teachers!”
“It’s a tragedy,” said the bald man.
“Then why do it?” asked Miss Zarves. “Why teach anymore? I could quit and nobody would care.”
“The children need you,” all three men said together.
Miss Zarves sighed. “I like to teach,” she said. “I really do. I love the children. It’s just—”
She stopped and wiped her eyes.
The man with the attaché case opened it. He took out a handkerchief and handed it to Miss Zarves.
“Thank you,” she said, blew her nose, then gave it back to him.
He placed it back in his attaché case.
“Can you at least get the cow out of my classroom?” she asked.
The bald man smiled. “I’ll see what I can do,” he said.
Miss Zarves smiled as she slowly shook her head. Then she turned and walked back into the building.
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Chapter 20
Elevators
Mr. Kidswatter’s voice came over the loudspeaker. “Good morning, boys and girls!”
There was the usual pause.
“I have a very important announcement,” said Mr. K. “Elevators have been installed in Wayside School!”
For a second, the kids on the thirtieth floor were too stunned to speak. Then everyone went crazy!
“Yahooooo!” yelled Sharie.