“Hot diggity dog!” shouted Dameon.
Everyone was yelling and jumping.
“Zippity doo dah!” shouted Mrs. Drazil.
Cheers could be heard coming from every classroom in Wayside School. The higher the classroom, the louder the cheers.
“Now, before you all rush out and use the elevators,” said Mr. Kidswatter, “I want to talk a little bit about elevator safety.
“I don’t want the same kind of chaos that we have on the stairs every day. I don’t know how many times I have to tell you. When you go up the stairs, stay to the right. When you come down the stairs, stay to the left. But still, everyone keeps bumping into each other.
“Well, that won’t happen on the elevators. I have personally designed a special safety system.
“There are two elevators. One is blue. One is red. When you want to go up, you take the blue elevator. When you want to go down, you take the red elevator. It’s that simple. It can’t go wrong! The blue one only goes up. And the red one only goes down.
“By the way, has anyone seen my coffeepot?”
And so, at last, Wayside School got elevators. A blue one and a red one. They each worked perfectly one time — and never could be used again.
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Chapter 21
Open Wide
The good news: Jason got to leave school early.
The bad news: He had a dentist appointment.
“I’ll never ever eat candy again,” he promised the Tooth God as he headed down the stairs. “And I’ll brush my teeth after every meal. I promise. Even if it’s just a snack. I’ll bring my toothbrush to school! Just please, please don’t let her find any cavities.”
“I’ve heard that song before,” answered a voice inside his head. “Every time you go to the dentist, it’s the same thing. But then, a week later, you’re eating candy and forgetting to brush your teeth.”
“This time I really, really mean it,” Jason promised.
“Too late,” said the voice.
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An hour later Jason was lying on his back in the dentist chair.
“Open,” said the dentist.
His dentist was named Dr. Payne. She had long fingers and even longer fingernails.
Jason opened his big mouth. He had the second biggest mouth in his class.
“Wider,” said Dr. Payne.
Jason stretched his mouth until his cheeks hurt.
“That’s good,” said Dr. Payne. “Now just a little bit wider.”
The veins in Jason’s neck bulged out as he stretched his mouth even wider. His eyes watered. His throat was dry.
“Okay, just hold it like that,” said Dr. Payne. She turned on the sucking machine and put a tube in Jason’s mouth.
The machine made a gagging noise as it sucked out his last drop of moisture.
As Dr. Payne poked around at his teeth she said “Tsk, tsk” and “Oh, my!” several times.
“So how do you like school?” she asked.
“Aghaa,” said Jason.
“What grade are you in?”
“Aakhalak,” said Jason.
“Well, just remember,” said Dr. Payne. “It’s very important to always listen to your teachers and do whatever they say.”
She poked a tooth with a long, pointed dentist tool.
“AAAAHhhhhhhhh!” Jason screamed in agony.
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“Did that hurt?” asked Dr. Payne.
Jason shook his head. If he told her it hurt, she might think it was a cavity. If she couldn’t find it herself, he certainly wasn’t going to tell her about it.
“Are you sure?” asked Dr. Payne. She poked the same spot.
This time Jason didn’t make a sound. Tears and sweat dripped down his face.
The receptionist came into the room.
“Yes?” said Dr. Payne.
Jason was glad for the break.
“Kendall’s mother is on the phone,” said the receptionist. “She refuses to pay her bill.”
“What?!” exclaimed Dr. Payne. “How dare—”
“She says you pulled the wrong tooth.”
“Give me the phone!” shouted Dr. Payne.
The receptionist handed it to her.
“This is Dr. Payne. What do you mean you’re not paying your bill? … Well, then, just bring Kendall back in here, and I’ll pull that one too. I’ll pull them all! But you still have to pay me.
“Your lawyer! I don’t care what your lawyer said. You can tell your lawyer to rub a monkey’s tummy! … You heard me! Rub a monkey’s tummy with your head!”
She slammed down the phone.
Jason looked at the diploma hanging on the wall. Before his dentist got married, her name was Jane Smith.
His big mouth opened wider.
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Chapter 22
Jane Smith
“I found Jane Smith,” Jason told Stephen the next morning when he got to school.
“You better tell Deedee,” said Stephen.
They hurried across the playground.
A whistle blew. “No running!” ordered Mr. Louis, the Professional Playground Supervisor. “Now I want both of you to go back to the edge of the blacktop, and walk this time.”
The boys went back the way they came, then came back the way they went.
Deedee was sitting on a bench. She had been benched by Mr. Louis for excessive noisemaking.
“I found Jane Smith,” Jason whispered as he walked past her… .
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… Deedee and Jason entered the classroom together. Mrs. Drazil was seated behind her desk. As they passed in front of her, Deedee stopped and said, “Did you have a nice time at the dentist yesterday, Jason?”
“Yes, Deedee,” said Jason. “It was very nice.”
“I wonder if we have the same dentist,” said Deedee. “What is your dentist’s name?”
“Her name is Dr. Payne,” said Jason. “But that hasn’t always been her name.”
“It hasn’t?” asked Deedee.
“Oh, no,” said Jason. “Before she was married, her name was Jane Smith.”
“Jane Smith?” asked Deedee. “Is that spelled J-A-N-E S-M-I-T-H?”
“Yes, that’s how you spell Jane Smith,” said Jason. “But like I said, that’s not her name anymore. Her name is Dr. Payne. She works at the dentist office at 124 Garden Street.”
They took their seats… .
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… Late that afternoon Dr. Payne finished work and walked out of her office. It had been a good day. She had drilled twenty-five teeth.
She made sixty dollars for every tooth she drilled. Twenty-five times sixty dollars is $1,500. Not bad for a day’s work.
Of course, not all the teeth really had cavities, but how would any of her patients find out?
She got into her fancy silver-and-black sports car and drove away. She sang along with the radio.
She didn’t even notice the old beat-up green station wagon in her rearview mirror.
She lived in a mansion next to the lake. There was a stone wall around the house. She pressed a button in her car, and an iron gate opened. The gate closed behind her as she headed up the long and winding driveway.
A moment later the old green station wagon stopped and parked next to the gate. A woman got out, walked around to the back, and opened the tailgate. She pulled out a ladder. She set the ladder up against the wall.
Under her arm she carried an old blue notebook… .
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… Dr. Payne’s butler handed her a drink. The cook was making dinner.
Dr. Payne’s dog, cat, and husband were waiting for her in the den. Her dog’s
name was Brussels, and her cat’s name was Sprouts. She petted them both.
Her husband’s name was Sham. She petted him too.
“Hi, darling, how was your day?” he asked.
“I made fifteen hundred dollars,” said Jane.
They hugged and kissed. They loved each other, but they loved money even more.
Then they had dinner by candlelight as they watched the sun set over the lake. After dinner they sat out on the deck, under the stars.
Sprouts lay purring on Jane’s lap. Brussels sat faithfully by her side.
Life was perfect.
“I love you, darling,” she said, petting Sprouts.
“And I love you,” said Sham.
“I was talking to the cat,” said Jane.
The butler stepped out onto the deck. “Excuse me, madam,” he said, “but there’s an elderly woman out in the yard.”
Jane’s long fingernails dug into her cat’s neck.
“I wonder how she got past the gate,” said Sham.
“I don’t know, sir,” said the butler. “She’s probably hungry. Perhaps I can give her some left-over—”
“No!” shouted Jane. “Get rid of her!”
“Let me have a look,” said Sham. He followed the butler back into the house.
He returned a moment later. “Darling, you’ll never guess who’s here. One of your former teachers! Isn’t that just the sweetest—”
Jane screamed. She jumped to her feet. Sprouts flew off her lap and into the hot tub.
“What’s wrong?” asked Sham.
“You idiot!” shouted Jane. “I told you to get rid of her!” She kicked her dog out of the way, then climbed over the railing and jumped off the deck to the ground, fifteen feet below.
Mrs. Drazil came out onto the deck. “You can’t get away from me, young lady!” she hollered.
Jane hurt her ankle pretty badly when she hit the ground. It was either sprained or broken. She lay on the ground in agony as she looked up at her former teacher.
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“You have homework to do,” said Mrs. Drazil, looking down at her.
Jane’s face twisted with pain. “Rub a monkey’s tummy!” she shouted, then struggled to her feet.
She had a suitcase stashed in the boathouse, just in case this ever happened. She hobbled to it, grabbed it, then limped down to the lake, dragging her suitcase behind her.
Mrs. Drazil hurried down the steps on the side of the deck.
Jane groaned as she threw her suitcase into a motorboat. Then she pulled herself aboard and started the engine.
“Darling, come back!” Sham shouted from the deck as he watched the boat sputter across the water.
Mrs. Drazil climbed into an old rowboat. “I’ll find you, Jane Smith!” she shouted into the darkness. “You can run, but you can’t hide!”
Jane’s voice echoed back across the black water. “Rub a monkeeee’s … tumm-mmy … with … yourrr … heaaaaaaaaaa …”
And neither of them was ever seen again.
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Chapter 23
Ears
Wendy had three. Ears, I mean.
She had one ear on each side of her head, just like most people. But she also had a third ear, which lay flat on top of her head.
You couldn’t see it. It was completely covered by her thick, frizzy brown hair.
She was an intelligent and lovely young woman. She was gentle and kind.
At least, she used to be. Then she met Xavier and became evil and wicked, but I’ll get to that later.
She lived in a small apartment in the big city. She always kept fresh flowers in the vase on her kitchen table.
She didn’t have any friends. She was afraid someone might find out about her ear. She was very embarrassed by it.
The one on top of her head, I mean. The other two ears were pretty, as ears go.
Actually, the third ear wasn’t ugly. In fact, it looked just like her other two.
It was quantity, not quality, that bothered her.
Then she met Xavier.
It was at a museum. They happened to be standing next to each other looking at the same painting. The Mona Lisa.
A guard stood by to make sure they didn’t touch it.
Xavier was very handsome. But he was frightfully shy. He was afraid of women.
“That’s a beautiful painting, isn’t it?” said Wendy.
Xavier blushed. He wanted to speak, but his mouth locked shut with fear. It took all his courage just to nod his head.
But Wendy knew he liked her.
Because there was something else about her ear I haven’t told you yet. The one on top of her head, I mean.
It didn’t hear normal sounds. It heard people’s brains.
Wendy was able to listen to Xavier’s secret thoughts. And this is what she heard.
Yes, the painting is very beautiful. But you are more beautiful than the Mona Lisa. I wish somebody would paint your picture. I would buy it and look at it all day. Alas, if only I had the courage to talk to you.
Wendy didn’t usually listen to other people’s thoughts. She thought it was rude, even though the other people didn’t know she was listening.
Besides, most people’s thoughts were usually boring.
Xavier was getting too nervous standing next to her. He moved on to another painting.
Wendy followed him.
She listened to the lonely man’s thoughts. They weren’t boring at all. Most of his thoughts were about her, but she also learned a few other things. He liked to read. His favorite author was Charles Dickens. He loved animals, especially dogs.
“That painting reminds me of a book,” said Wendy. “A Tale of Two Cities, by Charles Dickens. Have you read it?”
“Yes!” Xavier blurted, a little too loudly. “It’s my favorite book! I’ve read everything Dickens has written. Twice. My favorite part is when—”
He suddenly stopped, very embarrassed.
“Please go on,” said Wendy.
“No, I don’t want to bother you,” said Xavier.
“You’re not bothering me,” said Wendy. “Charles Dickens is my favorite author. I sometimes read aloud to my dog.”
“You have a dog?” asked Xavier.
Wendy nodded.
Xavier stared into her dark eyes. “I love dogs,” he said, as his brain said, I love you.
Wendy and Xavier spent the afternoon together. He could hardly stop talking.
It was like a genie had escaped from a bottle. All the love and emotion that had been buried for so long inside him came pouring out on Wendy.
“I don’t even know your name,” he suddenly blurted.
“Wendy Nogard,” said Wendy.
“I’m Xavier Dalton,” said Xavier.
They shook hands and made plans to meet again at the museum the following week.
On her way home, Wendy stopped by the library and checked out A Tale of Two Cities. Then she went to the pet store and bought a dog.
A month later Xavier asked her to marry him.
Wendy didn’t know what to say. She loved Xavier. And she knew he loved her. But she still hadn’t told him about her ear.
The one on top of her head, I mean.
He knew about the other two. He had nibbled on each of them.
“Marriage is a big step,” she said. “I’m afraid we haven’t known each other long enough.”
“I’ve known you long enough to know I could never be happy without you,” said Xavier. “Before I met you, Wendy, I was sad and lonely. But I was used to it. Now I can’t imagine living like that again. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
He stroked her hair
.
“Well, there’s one little thing you don’t know about me,” said Wendy.
His hand bumped into it. “What’s this thing?” he asked.
“That’s what I was going to tell you about, dear,” said Wendy.
Xavier parted Wendy’s hair and looked at it. “It’s an ear!” he exclaimed.
“Yes, it is,” said Wendy. “Some people have two ears. I have three. Now that you know, if you still want to marry me, my answer is yes! Yes, sweetheart, yes!”
“I love you,” said Xavier. “That’s all that matters to me.”
That was what he said. But this is what he was thinking.
Oh, gross! You’re disgusting! I never want to touch you again! I can’t even stand to look at you! You tricked me, you freak! You monster!
And of course Wendy heard every word.
He stood up. “I’ll be right back, sweetheart. I bought you diamond earrings as an engagement present. I just need to run back to the jewelry store and buy one more.” He hurried out the door.
She never saw him again.
I’m sorry to say this story has a sad ending.
Xavier, thanks to Wendy, got over his shyness. He went out with lots of women but broke each one’s heart. He could never love any of them.
There was a hole in his heart. He was in love with Wendy Nogard, but he didn’t know it. And so he could never be happy.
Wendy became a bitter and evil person. She was unhappy, and she wanted everyone else to be unhappy too.
Whenever she heard someone thinking happy thoughts, she would listen closely and then do and say just the right thing to make the person feel rotten.
She hated children the most. Every time she passed a playground, she heard them laughing and having fun.
So she became a substitute teacher.
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Chapter 24
Glum and Blah
Miss Nogard entered the classroom on the thirtieth story. She looked at all the bright and chipper faces. She knew by the end of the day they would no longer be bright and chipper.
They would be glum and blah.
She smiled at the class. “Good morning, everybody,” she said. “My name is Miss Nogard.”