"I think then, more than at any other time, it really sunk in that my parents were two separate people forever."
I stopped and took a breath when I noticed Cathy was trembling so badly she looked like she was literally freezing. She was embracing herself hard. Her face was so white it looked like she had cut off the supply of blood. Jade and Star saw it too and we all looked at Doctor Marlowe, who shook her head slightly to tell us not to say anything. I knew she wanted me to just keep talking.
"As it turned out then," I continued, my eyes on Cathy, "that weekend both my mother and I had dates. She was going to dinner and I was going to an early movie and then to have pizza with Charles Allen.
"There we both were that Saturday afternoon, primping at our vanity tables. She'd come running in to get my opinion of her lipstick and I couldn't help asking her to help me choose how to wear my hair and what to do about my eyes, for as I've been told by Daddy many times, we have to give the devil her due. Mommy was an expert when it came to makeup and hairstyle. I wanted to look older, as sophisticated as Charles Allen apparently believed I was.
"I suppose it was a very funny scene, the two of us marching back and forth, checking ourselves in mirrors. She put her arm around me in front of her full-length mirror and chanted in a high-pitched, sugary voice, 'Mirror, mirror on the wall, who are the prettiest girls of all? Hear that,' she said laughing. 'It said you are, you are!'
"I imagine you all think that was very silly, but I couldn't help laughing with her and at least for a little while feeling like we were close.
"We both took bubble baths and I let her pour her skin treatments into mine. Of course, she didn't like what I was wearing. Despite her claim of being young in heart and mind, she just wasn't in favor of my clothes. I wore a tank top with a pair of jeans.
"'Don't you want to wear one of your pretty dresses?' she asked.
"'I'm just going to the movies and out for pizza, Mommy, not the prom.'
"You should always dress and look like you're going to the prom,' she said.
"I told her to give me a break and she stopped complaining and complimented me on everything else. I was leaving first, of course, so I got the final check about fifteen minutes before Charles Allen arrived.
"'You look beautiful,' my mother said. 'Too bad your father isn't here to see this:
"I hadn't heard from Daddy all week and I knew he was going to be away for the weekend. The plan was for me to stay with him on the following weekend. What I didn't know at the time was Daddy had already started dating, too. In fact," I said, swallowing down my throat lump, "I think he had started dating Ariel even before he and Mommy had decided to get a divorce. He had been cheating on my mother."
"How do you know that?" Star asked.
"The first time I saw them together, I felt they were just too comfortable with each other. They acted as if they had been living together a long time. It's just something you know," I concluded.
"Yes," she agreed. "It is."
I began to think we all had a lot more in common than we first thought. I guess Doctor Marlowe knew what she was doing after all.
"When Charles Allen came by to pick me up, I realized this was actually my first real date. I had gone to the movies with other girls and met boys and then we'd all gone for pizza and stuff.
"Daddy always used to tell me he would be there to greet the first boy who came to take me out. He liked to tease me about it and threaten that he was going to 'inspect that boy like a Marine drill instructor.' The boy would tremble in his shoes and he would know that 'if he didn't respect my little girl, he'd have hell to pay.'
"I used to dream of that scene. It was nice to think of your father as your great protector, suffering that delicious pain all fathers have to suffer when they see their little girls grown and ready to be dated. How many movies had I seen where the mother in the film reminds the father that 'She's not your little girl anymore. She's a young woman.'
"Daddy wasn't there, however. He was off with his new young woman and I was the last thing on his mind," I said. I felt my throat closing and the weight in my chest grow heavier and heavier. Everyone's eyes were on me, big eyes of pity. I hated it. I looked away, bit down on my lower lip until it hurt and then turned back almost angrily.
"Charles Allen was wearing a sports jacket and jeans and he looked more handsome than ever. My mother made sure to appear when he came to the door. I remember I thought she might as well be using a sledgehammer to beat in her comments.
"'Oh, what a beautiful young couple you two make,' she cried. 'You look very handsome, Charlie. And just look at Misty. She's blooming like some magnificent flower. She reminds me so much of myself at her age. But that's what a daughter's supposed to do for a mother, right?
"'You two have a great time,' she said waving her hand as if she was laying a blessing.
"I practically dragged Charles Allen out of the entryway and fled to his car.
"'Quickly,' I told him, 'drive before she thinks of something else.'
"He laughed and we shot off and I felt as if I was beginning the rest of my life.
"Neither of us liked the movie. We left early and went for pizza. Charles Allen shocked me when the waitress brought our Cokes. He pulled a small metal flask from his inside jacket pocket and whispered that it was rum. He poured a little into my Coke and a lot into his own. I was really surprised. He had such prissy manners in public, I never would have dreamed he would do something like that in a restaurant.
"I wasn't that excited about rum. I mean, I've had it before at parties and pretended to like gin, even though I thought it tastes more like medicine, but, the rum in the Coke wasn't bad. I didn't notice it having any effect on me.
"After we ate, he suggested we go to his house. He said the servants had the night off and we could listen to music and talk and not worry about anyone looking over our shoulders.
"It was still quite early so I agreed."
"I know what he wanted," Star said.
I turned to her.
"I really wasn't going there to do it," I said. "Right," she said and rolled her eyes.
"I wasn't. I was going to tell him that, too. I wanted us to know each other more and care about each other more."
Star looked as skeptical as could be.
"When we arrived at his house, it was as quiet and as empty as he had said it would be. We went into the media room and he put on some music and then he went to his parents' bar and made us both another Coke spiked with rum.
"The sofa had a control panel built into the arm and he could dim the lights and raise and lower the volume of the music.
"My father has some X-rated movies hidden. I know where they are. You want to watch one?' " he asked.
"No," I said quickly.
He didn't look disappointed. He nodded and smiled as if I had passed some sort of test.
"'Good. I knew you were a mature girl,' he said. I suppose that made me feel very happy and maybe I was a little less aware of what was happening. I drank the Coke and rum a little too quickly, too.
"Suddenly, Charles Allen put his hands on my hips and then brought them up and began to fondle me.
"I was very excited but frightened too as his hands explored under my clothes.
"'Maybe someone will come in,' I warned.
"'No,' he insisted. 'Everyone's out for the night. Relax,' he added, kissing me on the neck and cheek. 'You smell so good.'
"I had a whole speech ready, but the words got jumbled in my brain. It didn't take long for him to get my tank top off and my bra and then he showed me he was prepared.
"I did put up some resistance, started to talk him out of it, but he had a whole speech ready, too."
"Oh, I can't wait to hear what that was," Jade said.
"He said things like we shouldn't deny ourselves now. Our parents were off making themselves happy, so why shouldn't we? 'What do you think your mother's going to be doing tonight? And what do you think your father's doing? Same as min
e, I'm sure,' he said."
"So you let him do it," Star concluded.
"It happened so fast. We were both naked and he started. I remember I was trembling so hard, he laughed, but I was terrified that it would be so painful. Of course, it was my first time, so there was pain and I concentrated on that so much, I didn't enjoy a moment and I don't think Charles Allen did either. It all happened quickly, more like something that had to be done and over with.
"He started to complain, blame everything on me. I didn't need someone to be nasty to me then. I needed some understanding. He made me feel so insignificant, talking about how inexperienced I was and how experienced he was. I challenged him, telling him I didn't know any girls he had been with, and I knew he had no love affair with any college girl."
"I bet I know where he claimed he got his experience," Star said.
"Where?" Jade asked her.
"The street," she replied and looked to me for confirmation. "Am I right, girl?"
I nodded.
"He went with prostitutes?" Jade asked. I nodded.
"He bragged about it:'
"Ugh, how could you continue to go out with him?" Jade asked me.
"I didn't much longer," I said.
"How come?"
I closed and opened my eyes.
"After I got home that night, I wasn't feeling very good about myself. I felt. . . dirty. I took a bath. The house was empty, quiet. Mommy was still not home. I had no one to talk with. I just needed someone. I called Daddy. Of course, I wasn't going to tell him what I had done, but I just wanted to hear his voice. It wasn't terribly late, but all I got was his answering machine and I didn't leave a message.
"I cried a lot that night. I felt so lonely, never as lonely and afraid as I did then:'
"What about your girlfriends?" Jade asked.
"I had drifted away from most of them and I didn't know anyone I thought was mature enough to talk about it all anyway. Mommy didn't come home until very late that night. I was asleep, but I woke for a moment when I heard her footsteps and heard her open my door to peek in at me. I didn't say anything She closed the door and I fell back to sleep.
"In the morning I felt as if I had been wounded and a great scab had formed over me I think if Charles Allen and I had gotten to really know and like each other and really fallen in love with each other, it would have been different, but I kept thinking about how he had made me drunk and I just felt as if I had been used like some prostitute. It's hard to hold on to self-respect when you let things like that happen to you."
I paused and smiled at Doctor Marlowe.
"A lot of this I've realized with Doctor Marlowe's help," I said. The others looked like they understood that.
"Mommy slept late that morning. I made myself breakfast and went out back to relax on the chaise by the pool. It was a beautiful day, warmer than usual. I knew Mommy wouldn't be getting up soon. Whenever she stayed out late, she had to sleep late to protect her youthful skin and keep her eyes from drooping.
"Bored, I got up and fetched our Sunday paper off the driveway and then went out back to look at the magazine section. As I was thumbing through the paper, I came upon the social pages and nearly missed it. I actually started to turn the page when the name Fitch struck me and I sat up and spread the paper out to read under the picture. I recognized Charles Allen's mother, of course.
"His father was with her. They had attended a charity affair and they were listed as one of the important couples. That's where they were the night before.
"I was very confused. Do rich divorced people still go to social affairs together? I wondered.
"There was a tiny trickle of ice water running down the sides of my stomach. I rose and went inside, dazed, afraid. I didn't know what to do, but an idea came to me and I called Charles Allen's home, only when the butler answered, I asked for Mr. Benjamin Harrison Jackson Fitch.
"The butler wanted to know who was calling and I said an old friend from college.
"When he said, 'Just a moment,' my heart did flip- flops. Moments later I heard Charles Allen's father say, 'Hello,' and I hung up.
"His parents weren't getting a divorce?" Jade asked astounded.
I shook my head
"The bastard," Star said.
Cathy was nodding.
"Did you confront him with it?" Jade wanted to know.
"That day," I said.
"What did he say?"
"He claimed they had reconciled, but I pointed out that he had told me they were divorced just the night before and I repeated things he had said to me before we had made love."
"And?" Star pursued. She was leaning over, her hands clenched as if she was ready to jump up and follow me over to Charles Allen's house to beat his face into mush.
"He paused and said, 'What difference did it make now?'
"'if you don't know, I feel sorrier for you than I do for myself,' I told him and hung up.
"I've never spoken with him again," I said and looked at Doctor Marlowe. Her eyes told me I could say what was in my heart so I did.
"But you know what," I told the others, "I don't hate him as much as I hate my parents."
"Why?" Star asked
"Because they put her in that place," Jade said, her eyes small and sharp as she stared right through me. "They left her naked and alone and vulnerable, to use Charles Allen's word."
"Yes," Cathy said in a loud whisper. We all looked at her. "That's very true."
We all became very quiet, each of us looking behind our own eyes at the thoughts and pictures that played on our private screens.
"How do you all feel about continuing?" Doctor Marlowe asked. "We can take a short break, have a little lunch, go outside, walk around the house, get some air and put in another hour or so."
"Misty is the one who should decide," Jade said, her voice filled with compassion.
"Yeah," Star seconded. Cathy nodded.
"I'm all right," I said. I wasn't. I had a long way to go to be all right.
Maybe I would never be all right.
But at least I was with people who would know why not.
6
The breezes were sweet with the newborn fragrances of spring. Now that we were outside after lunch, we all felt even worse about going back inside, where we had to revisit our private nightmares. Doctor Marlowe walked with her head down, her arms folded and her shoulders a little slumped. My mother would be very critical of her posture, I thought. The four of us remained a little behind her, none of us really walking together. Cat stayed at the end, walking the slowest, her eyes shifting cautiously from Jade to Star to me.
"My gardener tells me I'm going to have to tear out all those oleander bushes," Doctor Marlowe said pausing and nodding toward the rear of her property. "Some disease is running rampant through the lot of them. He wants me to plant something new now so it will all grow during the summer months."
"Can't he just cure them?" Star asked. "He doesn't think so."
"Get another gardener," Jade said.
Doctor Marlowe laughed.
"No, he's very good. He's been with me for years and years. It's easier to replace the plants than to replace the gardener."
"Too bad we can't do the same with parents," I said. They all looked back at me. I shrugged. "They don't work so we just replace them with ones that do."
"None of us have any guarantees about anything in this life, Misty," Doctor Marlowe said. "We've just got to learn how to deal with it and go forward."
"It's always easier for someone else to say," Jade muttered. Star nodded.
"That's right," she said.
"I'm not someone else," Doctor Marlowe
declared. "I'm not just your therapist," she continued. "My parents divorced when I was just a little younger than you. I think that's what gave me the idea to go into psychiatry. . . my own pain."
"Is that why you're not married?" Jade asked her.
"That's another story," she said. "Besides, I'm the therapist here, remember
? I ask the questions. Let's keep walking around the house and go back in," she said.
Jade threw a conspiratorial smile at me and I threw one back.
"Come on, girl," Star said as she waited for Cathy to catch up. "You walk slower than my grandma."
Surprised that Star would pause, Cathy quickly caught up to her.
Everyone went to the bathroom again. I just wanted to rinse my face in cold water. We had to wait for Cathy, who took so long, we began to wonder if she had left.
"Sorry," Cathy said when she finally came in and took her seat.
"Let's let Misty continue and finish out the session. It's getting late and I'm sure you all have other things to do with such a nice day."
"I suppose what bothers me the most, what I think about a lot is what their divorce means about me. Before I visited Daddy in his new home, I met him for lunch one Saturday after he had moved out of the house. That was something we had never done before, had lunch together without my mother. He invited me since the plans he had made for me to visit him in his new apartment had to be canceled because of what he called an emergency business trip. Later, I found out he was going to San Francisco with his new girlfriend.
"But at the time, I was excited about meeting him at a fancy Beverly Hills restaurant. He sent a cab for me, which triggered one of my mother's familiar favorite chants about how he always manages to get someone else to fulfill his responsibilities.
"'Why couldn't he pick you up himself? It's Saturday. He can't be meeting anyone for business. It's just inconvenient for him, that's all; so he sends a cab. Typical Jeffery Foster behavior,' she raved.
"'How can you hate him so much now and have loved him before?' I asked her.
"'That's what I keep asking myself,' she replied. She thought for a moment and then added, 'I was just deliberately blind. I refused to admit to his
weaknesses and failings. I didn't want to face the fact that I had made such a mistake. I don't know. I was just too young to get married," she concluded. "I was a hopeless romantic who believed when a man said you were the earth, moon and stars to him, he meant it.'