"Self-pity, like evening shadows, came to darken her eyes," I said, remembering.
"'They put you on a throne until they marry you and live with you awhile and then the throne turns to cardboard and all the jewels melt,' Mommy continued. 'Don't believe anything any man tells you, even if he wants to write it in his blood,' she warned me.
"None of that made sense to me and it didn't take long for her to forget it and look for another man to make her promises. All I kept thinking was if my parents' relationship was such a colossal mistake, what am I, the product of that relationship? How can I be right? I bet someone who was born as a result of a rape doesn't feel that much different from the way I feel," I said looking to the others for agreement.
"You know someone born out of a rape?" Star asked me.
"No."
"It's not quite the same thing," she said. Her eyes were cold with a wisdom beyond her age and mine, maybe even beyond Doctor Marlowe's.
"I understand what Misty means, though," Jade said. "I've had similar feelings." Cathy nodded to indicate she had had them too.
"I know my mother hated it when I asked her all these questions and forced her to dwell on the situation," I continued. "She wanted to treat the divorce as a chance to be young again and not as some great personal failure. She wanted to pretend she had been freed from some chains, released from some prison where she had been prevented from being as young and beautiful as she could be.
"If you can believe it because of what I've already told you about her," I said to the girls, "after the divorce she was even more concerned about her appearance than before. She polished her nails so often, the house seemed to reek of the smell of polish remover. She was always at the hairstylist's and she piled up style and glamour magazines to the ceiling, spending hours reading and studying them to be confident she was in fashion.
"She even spoke differently, trying to make her voice sound younger, and not just in front of Charles Allen. I couldn't help thinking that if she wanted to forget she was ever married to Daddy, if she wanted to be young and free again, what did she feel and think when she looked at me? All I could be was a reminder of the failure.
"I was really very interested in how my father saw me now, too, so when he asked me to meet him for lunch, I couldn't help but be excited.
"It was really the first private conversation Daddy and I'd had since he and my mother told me they were getting a divorce. He wasn't at the restaurant when I arrived and I began to worry when he was more than fifteen minutes late. The waiter kept asking me if I wanted to order and I didn't know what to do. I was considering calling my mother, which would set off a nuclear explosion in an already fractured family, so I tried to stay calm.
"Finally, he showed up, apologizing, claiming he was in traffic. He kissed me, which was something he hadn't done for a while, and sat.
"The first thing I noticed about him was how different he looked. He was letting his hair grow longer and he was dressed more informally than usual. He used to always wear a tie when he went out. He wasn't wearing a jacket and slacks either. He was wearing a sweat suit and sneakers. He explained he had come from the gym.
"'This is a great place, one of my favorites,' he said gazing around. He held up the menu. 'Everything is very good here.'
"'Did you come here with Mommy?' I asked him.
"'With your mother? No, I don't think so,' he said. He thought for a moment and added, 'It's mostly where I meet people for business meetings'
"'I don't know what to order,' I said. 'Everything is so expensive.'
He laughed and said he would order for me, but he really wasn't sure what I liked and he had to keep asking.
"'I guess I should know,' he admitted, 'but your mother always took care of the meals. So,' he said after we finally gave the waiter our order, 'how's your schoolwork? Any improvement?'
"'Not really,' I told him
"'Maybe I should look into getting you a tutor,' he thought aloud.
"Mommy was right, I realized, Daddy always looks for ways to slip out from under his
responsibilities.
"When his food came, he talked about his work and his new apartment and for a while I felt as if we were really two people who didn't know each other all that well and were just getting acquainted. I could see that he was as nervous as I was, too.
"Divorce was like some devastating illness that wiped away more than memories; it turned a father and a daughter into strangers.
"Halfway through our meal, I paused and looked directly into his eyes and asked, 'Daddy, what happened? Why did you and Mommy break up after so many years together?'
"He looked very uncomfortable. He had taken me to lunch to do some small talk and then go off into his new life again, and here I was making him deal with our cold reality. Sort of what you try to do with us, Doctor Marlowe," I said and she smiled and nodded.
"Very good, Misty. It's true, girls," she continued, directing herself at the others. "Every one of you naturally practices some therapy."
"Maybe we'll all follow in your footsteps, Doctor Marlowe," Jade said. She had an underlying biting tone in her voice and I thought that despite her beauty and her style, she was in just as much pain if not more than I was.
"Worse things could happen," Doctor Marlowe countered.
"And have," Jade threw back.
She and Doctor Marlowe locked gazes for a moment and then Doctor Marlowe turned back to me.
"'When you're young and in love, or at least think you're in love, sometimes you don't let yourself see the loved one's faults,' Daddy began.
"'That's exactly what Mommy says,' I told him. "His eyes became steely cold.
"'Is that what she said? What were my faults?" he demanded to know, raising his voice, "I was always a very good provider, wasn't I? She never lacked for anything she wanted no matter how frivolous it was,' he whined.
"The way he was dressed, the way he was talking, all made me see him suddenly as much less mature. I felt all my respect for him, as well as for my mother, sliding out of my hands like a wet bar of soap.
"'Maybe you were too busy and didn't pay enough attention to her,' I suggested.
"'Is that what she said?' he demanded, sitting back.
"'No. I just thought that might be a reason.'
"He stared at me as if he was readjusting his thoughts a moment and then looked calmer and went back to his food.
"'No, that's not it,' he said. 'I never neglected her. If I was away too long, I called and called and always brought something nice back for her. Besides, if I wasn't out there busting my hump, she wouldn't have been able to spend so much money on the things she wanted.
"'She's spoiled,' he offered as an explanation. 'I take the blame. I spoiled her. No, Misty, there's nothing to be said about me being neglectful. In fact, it's the exact opposite. I spent too much time and money on her and she took it all for granted. When I asked her to step back and reevaluate what she was doing, she accused me of being selfish and uncaring.'
"'Then what could be so terrible, Daddy? Why did this happen?' I demanded.
"I didn't think he was going to answer. He sat there quietly for a long, long moment, debating about it in his own mind, I imagine Then he looked at me with such a serious expression, it made my heart hiccup.
"'Your mother and I haven't enjoyed each other for some time now. I don't want to put some kind of stain on your image of her. She is still your mother and she will always love you, I'm sure, but she's a disturbed woman. She has a serious psychological problem that rears its ugly head in our bed.'
"I'm sure I looked terribly confused.
"'Technically, it's called functional
dyspareunia,' he said.
"I could hardly breathe. It sounded so serious. "'What is that?' I asked him.
"'Whenever we make love, made love, I should say, she suffered persistent genital pain. I finally forced her to see her gynecologist, but he said that there was nothing physically wrong with her. In other
words, it's psychological and that's what it's called. I took the time to find out for myself what it's called and I told her. She refused to face that, refused to see a psychiatrist and things only got worse.
"'Sex isn't and shouldn't be all there is in a marriage, but it's a big part of it, Misty. I think you're old enough to understand this.'
"I didn't know what to say. It felt so hot around me and I had such trouble breathing, I thought I might faint at the table and embarrass him
"'You all right?' he asked.
"I nodded and quickly took a drink of water to swallow down the lump of tension in my throat.
"'Why is Vie like that?' I finally asked him He shook his head, smirked and then looked angry again.
"I'm no psychiatrist,' he said, 'but my guess is she fell in love with someone else.'
"'What? Who?' I quickly asked. Mommy had a lover all this time, I thought. Where was I?
"'Herself,' he said. 'If there was ever a case of narcissism, she's got it. You ever wonder why our house has so many mirrors? There is hardly a wall, a corner, a space without a mirror on it or near it so she can check her face and hair and be sure she didn't age a day. She's obsessed with it. It's madness.
"'Whenever I told her she needed professional help, she went into a rage.'
"'You were unfaithful to her, Daddy,' I said. 'I even heard you admit it.'
"I really felt like jumping up and running out of the restaurant. It hurt to hear him say such nasty things about Mommy and it always hurt when she said nasty things about him. I usually end up defending the one who isn't present. Doctor Marlowe and I have spoken about this a lot. I feel I have to do it, but I hate doing it. I hate it!"
The others all wore faces of understanding. I took a deep breath. Once again I felt like a coiled fuse attached to a time bomb. Sooner or later, I would explode.
"'Now you know why. A man has needs,' he said.
"He started to play with his food, move it around on the plate with his fork as he spoke.
"'It isn't easy to be married to someone like that, Misty. Whatever compliment you give her is not good enough, and if you don't remember to say something about her appearance, you're immediately accused of not loving her anymore. I found myself defending myself constantly. It got so I hated to come home. Of course, I wanted to be there for you,' he said quickly, 'but it wasn't easy.'
"'So you went looking for someone else?' I asked him.
"'You want to know what I told my therapist?' he asked.
"I was afraid to hear it, but I nodded.
"'I told him I was married but I was lonely. He said under the circumstances it was understandable.'
"He was very quiet for a long moment. Then he put his fork down with a clunk on the plate and said, 'Please, let's not talk about it anymore. Maybe now she'll go and get some professional help. Let's just talk about you.'
"What I thought was, how can we talk about me and not about you and Mommy, Daddy? Where am I in all this? But I didn't ask it or say it. For the remainder of the lunch, he made all sorts of promises about things he was going to do with me. It was funny how when he and Mommy were together, these promises were never made. Maybe if we had all done some of these things together, we would still be a family, I thought, and Mommy wouldn't have any psychological problems. I was floundering in the world of adult quicksand. It was better to step out quickly.
"He drove me home, but of course he wouldn't come into the house. I was glad of that because I didn't want him to see how much that had belonged or related to him Mommy had already sold or given away. We made a date for me to go to his apartment and spend the weekend in two weeks and he drove off. I couldn't help but wonder what he felt driving up to the house that had been his home for so many years and treating it like just another house.
"You know those magic slates you write on and then you pick up the plastic sheet and everything disappears?" I asked the others. They nodded. "That's what I thought Daddy's mind was like now.
"The moment I entered the house, my mother pounced. It was like she had been waiting behind the doorway to the living room, just listening for my return. There she was, her hands on her hips, her eyes wide and wild, her lips stretched thin into a sinister smile.
"'Well?' she asked. 'How was your little lunch with your daddy? Did he bother to show up?'
"'He was late, but he was there,' I said.
"'Late. Typical. Was he alone?' she followed quickly,"or did he have the audacity to bring his girlfriend along?'
"'He was alone.'
"I wanted to run away from her, charge up the stairs and slam the door of my room closed so hard it would never open again, but she practically leaped into my path.
"'What did he say about me?' she demanded.
"I felt like a tight wire being pulled by both of them, stretched so taut I expected to break any moment. "'Nothing,' I said. 'He just talked about his work and what things he hoped he and I would do together.' "Mommy looked at me with her eyes narrowed into slits of suspicion.
"'He's got you lying for him,' she accused.
"I was never a good liar, nothing like Charles Allen, for example, and no one knew that better than my mother, but I was really trying to avoid a bitter, ugly scene.
"'No, he hasn't,' I cried.
"She smirked and nodded, disbelieving me, her eyes turning into dark pools of accusations. Brittle as thin glass, her laughter tinkled.
"'Daughters always favor their fathers,' she claimed. 'All my friends tell me that. It's got something to do with sex.'
"I had no idea what she meant, but it sounded disgusting.
"'I'm not taking his side!' I screamed. 'I'm not on anyone's side. You can both kill each other for all I care!'
"I ran up the stairs before she could respond, and I slammed my door and locked it shut. I just buried myself under my blanket and tried to block out the static. She wouldn't stop. She came to my door and put her mouth close to the door and went on and on.
"'This is what results from your being with your father just for a few hours. Imagine what it's going to be like when you're there in his den of sin for a weekend. He's going to try to poison you against me. He said terrible things about me,. I know. You don't have to tell them to me. I know what they must have been. He's blaming me for everything He's like that. He pushes his mistakes onto someone else all the time. I didn't want you to know how much of a weakling your father was. It's not nice for a daughter to know that, but now you can see it for yourself.'
"She started to cry and moan about the terrible plight she was in.
" 'I gave the best years of my life to that man. Now, he dumps me- I'm like a peeled apple. It's so much easier for a man in a divorce. He can always find a pretty young mindless thing to share his bed, but a woman has to be careful and hope for a decent and responsible new man, and what are her chances of ever finding him in today's selfish world? Not very good, I can tell you. It's degrading to be in this position. I only hope something like this doesn't happen to you. Look what he's done to me!
"'How can you want to protect him?' she moaned.
"I pressed my palms as hard as I could against my ears to shut out her voice, but she droned on and on until I started to scream again. I don't know how long I screamed, but my throat started to bum. When I stopped, I didn't hear her at the door anymore.
"I didn't come out for dinner that night and she complained for a while at the closed door, but finally gave up and walked away.
"In the morning, it was as always, like nothing bad had happened. She was all smiles and full of gossip about new skin creams her friends had found and a better shampoo for your hair . . . bubbles, our lives were bubbles that burst and disappeared, I thought.
"Two weekends later, Daddy fulfilled his promise and invited me to his new home. Mommy was already fully occupied with her new role as the abused wife who had risen up from the ashes to be a strong, independent woman. She was drawn to her friends who were also divorced women who had made their husband'
s faces targets at which to throw darts of scorn.
"She surprised me when she didn't say anything nasty about my upcoming weekend visit with Daddy. I wanted to see him, but I was very nervous about it, for he had told me on the phone that I would meet a friend of his and the implication was quite clear what that meant.
"His new girlfriend would be there, too. I almost didn't go.
"'Why can't you spend a weekend with just me first?' I asked him
"He had his Daddy explanation, of course. The quicker I became accustomed to the new situation, the better it would be for everyone, including me.
" wouldn't do this if I didn't think you were mature enough to handle it, Misty,' he told me.
"Good old reverse psychology, right, Doctor Marlowe?" I asked.
She didn't reply.
"Doctor Marlowe doesn't make judgements for us," I reminded the others.
Jade's eyes sparkled with impish joy. Cathy looked nervous and afraid, and Star looked like she couldn't care less what Doctor Marlowe did or didn't do.
What a mess we were, I thought. Maybe instead of our parents, we were the ones who were really like Doctor Marlowe's sick oleanders out back. Our roots were diseased and our flowers were pale.
What garden would want us planted in it now? How could we get anyone to like us?
We didn't even like ourselves.
7
"Even though Daddy is right about Mommy being obsessed with her looks and appearance, I would never say she wasn't a very pretty woman. Sometimes I think, if my mother has so much trouble with men and looks the way she does, what can I expect? Will I always be involved with men like Charles Allen, men who see my weaknesses so easily and take advantage of me?
"That's what I really thought Daddy was doing with his new girlfriend Ariel. It didn't take a rocket scientist to see that having a young, pretty girlfriend made him feel better about himself and his failure at marriage.
"However, Doctor Marlowe complimented me on my analysis, didn't you, Doctor Marlowe?"