Aw. Angus and Nadia still love me.
Kia didn’t reply until the next day, but her message made me smile. Girl, I’ve so been there. I’ll buy coffee at the Pour House, okay? 2pm Tuesday.
Honestly, I’d thought it would hurt more or feel more real, once our friends all knew we weren’t together anymore, but nothing could be worse than seeing Max’s face that night. Everything else felt like baby steps away from ground zero, crawling up the sides of an emotional crater that all but leveled me. There was still no sun; outside—and in my head—it was always winter with skeletal trees and perpetually gray skies. But in fat, depressing Russian novels, they always kept moving, even with snow up to their chests.
So I did, too.
Monday I hiked to the bus stop and caught the first route to campus. Since I wasn’t sure how long it would take, I ended up at my early class almost forty minutes before I needed to be there, but I took it as reassurance that I could plan my way around these problems. Breaking up with Max wasn’t the end of everything; it only felt that way. Some days it hurt so bad, it felt like I couldn’t breathe for missing him. But I still went to my classes.
I didn’t break.
You thought Max was making me weak, Ma. But really, by loving me and by telling me about his life, he taught me to stand on my own.
Though I had to run from the business building, I met Kia for coffee the next day. Every time I saw her, it was a fresh surprise how gorgeous she was. Today, she had on jeans, boots and a red sweater, but on her lean frame, the outfit came across as expensive and elegant. If I wasn’t so completely in love with Max, now that she and I weren’t sharing a room, I’d totally flirt with her. Though she looked nothing like Amy, they shared the leggy build that rang my bell.
She’d managed to snag a table somehow, and as I approached, she skimmed me up and down, then gave an approving nod. “You don’t look as bad as I thought. I know you’re crazy about Max.”
“How is he?” I had no shame, apparently.
“I don’t see him much,” she admitted. “Since I got back, he’s working all hours.”
“He doesn’t come home at night?”
She raised a brow. “How the hell would I know? You want to check in, call him.”
“Like he’d tell me.”
“I hate to burst your bubble, but I didn’t meet you to talk about boys.”
A rueful smile worked its way out. “I suppose not. Let me guess, you’re wondering about the apartment.”
“Yep.”
“I’ll pay rent until I can find someone to take over my side of the room.”
“No need,” she said. “I have a friend from home transferring this semester and she was going to stay with her cousin, but the house is pretty crowded already. This would work out better for both of you. So I wanted to talk about your furniture.”
“Wow, really? You don’t know how bad I needed a silver lining right now. This has been the shittiest break ever.”
Kia nodded, wearing a sympathetic expression, but she didn’t let me digress. “Did you pay for January already?”
I nodded; I’d mailed the check on the thirty-first. Afterward, I’d fretted for hours because I had no money coming in. I’d given Evan three hundred, which left me pretty broke. I’d get paid if/when the band played its next gig, but we weren’t doing shows regularly enough for me to feel comfortable with that as my sole support. Which meant I needed to find a job.
But first, the apartment.
“Okay. I’ll get the rent money for you from Miranda. Since you left your bed and stuff, I figure you don’t want it?”
“I bought everything from Lauren for two hundred.”
“One fifty sound fair?” Kia asked.
I raised a brow. “Really?”
“You never heard of wear and tear?” She was grinning while she mercilessly negotiated the deal.
“You should be a cutthroat corporate attorney, not a doctor.”
“Whatever. I’ll meet you here, same time next week, with the money. Okay?”
“That would be great. I really appreciate this.”
“It’s good for me, too. Otherwise you’d probably give your half of the room to the first freak who asked, so you don’t have to pay double.”
I smirked. “Maybe.”
“See how you are?” Kia took her coffee and stood. “Now I gotta go. Don’t forget to come next Tuesday.”
“As if. Your girl owes me money.”
“True.” With a wave, she hurried out of the coffee shop, her dark hair fanning out in the icy winter wind.
When I noticed all the dirty looks I was getting for hogging the table alone, I grabbed my latte and headed for the library. It seemed like I should get used to spending time there, as I couldn’t leave campus until my classes were done for the day. On the plus side, I’d waste less time since it was forcing me to study and work on assignments.
But first, I had a favor to cash in. Taking a deep breath, I got out my phone, but I was completely puzzled when it said No Signal. I wandered around the quad for, like, half an hour, trying various spots. Nothing worked. And eventually, it occurred to me that my parents must’ve turned off my cell service. They really weren’t kidding about cutting me off. I suspected they’d thought I’d cave before now, come crawling back begging for forgiveness, but hell would freeze before that happened when I hadn’t done anything wrong.
Since I had time before my four o’clock, I walked to the pharmacy closest to campus, hoping they’d have a prepaid SIM and cellular time cards. I spent thirty bucks between the two and then I hurried back and headed to the computer lab. Five minutes of searching on Google and I had basic instructions on how to unlock my phone. The internet warned me to be cautious about backing up my data, but everything was on the cloud anyway, so I went through the steps as instructed and couldn’t resist a chair dance, prompting some looks from people nearby, when it worked exactly as described. Then I swapped my old SIM for the new one and went looking for a pay phone to activate my new number. I barely finished getting my phone back online before I had to run to class. Afterward, I texted everyone who might care that I had a new number.
Being okay on my own—that was my number-one priority. I had to prove to Max that I wasn’t a princess who depended on her parents. Maybe if I did, he’d understand how little I cared about their approval. I wished my mother loved me in a less controlling way, but I’d long since made peace with the idea that I’d never meet her expectations, and I had no desire to live for my folks. One day, hopefully they’d accept me as I was.
If not... Well. I’m still me.
I was pretty damn tired, though, when I finished up for the day, and there was still the matter of the empty fridge to deal with. There was a small mom-and-pop grocery store adjacent to campus, which relied mostly on business from dorm dwellers, but it would work for me, too. Usually I went shopping with Angus or Max brought stuff home, and I just paid my portion of the grocery bill. Things were so easy before and I didn’t appreciate how much it felt like a family until I started thinking about all the things I needed to take care of on my own. I filled a small shopping basket, which translated to four grocery sacks. They were heavy as I trudged down to the bus stop, and even more so for the mile and a half to Evan’s house.
I felt good about what I’d accomplished when I let myself. Evan had given me a key, which meant I lived here. The breakup’s real. Part of me kept hoping Max would show up on his bike and tell me he wanted to talk, that he understood or he missed me. But that was pointless wishing. I’d screwed up bad enough that he didn’t trust me anymore. I had to start again and show that I was the kind of person who could be relied upon. That wouldn’t happen overnight.
Dana, Ji Hoo and Evan were all in the living room when I struggled through the back door. They all stared at me strangely, then Evan sprang up to help me with the bags.
“Why didn’t you tell me you were coming home? I went over to grab these two anyway, so I was around c
ampus today.”
“Oh. Well, I didn’t know...and I didn’t want to bother you.” More, it was that I didn’t want to rely on him; he’d done enough.
“So you’re shacking up with Evan now, huh?” Dana teased.
“Yeah, what’s that about?” Ji Hoo wanted to know. “I thought we had a strict no-dating-other-band-members policy?”
“Separate rooms, people. Get your minds out of the gutter.” I knew they understood, but it seemed better to play along than to let them see how emotionally ransacked I was. My heart was like somebody had robbed the place, throwing shit everywhere with torn clothing and dishes broken on the floor.
“You got groceries?” Evan asked.
“Yep. I’m tired of living on white rice and beer.”
“She has a point,” Dana admitted.
“So, are we rehearsing tonight?” Monday wasn’t a usual night for it, but maybe things would change now that I was living here.
Evan shook his head. “Nah, but I wanted to play them our song.”
“Oh, right.” Once I finished putting stuff away, I headed out to the garage with him.
We’d worked on this long enough that I remembered my part by heart, so I gave the sheet music to Dana and Ji Hoo. Evan and I sang it; it was a moody, bluesy song with lyrics chock-full of regret. Tentatively we were calling it “Might Have Been,” and the other two closed their eyes as they listened.
“Wow,” Dana said, once we finished the run through.
Ji Hoo nodded. “That’s really tight. I might suggest...”
They offered some suggestions and we tweaked both melody and lyrics until we all thought it was pretty much perfect, then we played it as a group, but strangely, Dana and Ji Hoo didn’t weigh in on vocals.
Afterward, I asked, “What was up with that?”
“It sounds better with just you and Evan,” she said.
Ji Hoo seemed to agree. “Yeah, that’s a duet if I ever heard one. You’re basically telling a story about a dying relationship, so it’s more powerful this way.”
“I don’t think I should be singing on my own,” I protested.
Dana shrugged. “There’s some edge, you’re unpolished. But it works here. Makes it sound more...raw. Courtney Love doesn’t exactly sound like angel.”
“True,” Evan put in. “But I’d compare our Courtney more to Johnette Napolitano.”
My brows shot up. “Wow, really? She was awesome in Concrete Blonde but her solo work is good, too.”
That night, we ended up doing an impromptu rehearsal and then Evan cooked for us, using the groceries I brought home. Ji Hoo and Dana stayed pretty late, long past the usual cutoff, and I was feeling almost...decent by the time they left. While Evan took them home, I put away the equipment in the garage. I’d seen him do it often enough.
Though it was late, I had one more phone call to make. I got my phone out, exhaling in a nervous rush. Amy was a night owl, so this shouldn’t bother her. She might not answer, though, since I had a new number. It rang four times before she picked up.
“Yeah?”
“It’s me,” I said.
“Oh, you got a new number. I’m surprised you’re calling me with it.”
I ignored that. “Were you serious about wanting to make it right between us?”
“Definitely.”
“Then I need a favor. And then we can call it square.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
As agreed, Amy recommended me to her manager; he called me in for an interview a few days later, but I got the job myself. Pretty good for someone with zero work experience. I started the next night, and by the end of my first shift, I had an all-new respect for people who worked in hospitality. It sucked taking orders from drunk college students and the tips weren’t that great, either. But it was money coming in.
My work schedule meant that rehearsals changed according to my work requirements, though, and I felt bad about keeping Dana, Ji Hoo and Evan waiting while I figured out what nights I could do it. There was no alternative, though, since I wasn’t a princess anymore. On the bright side, I’d saved myself from the tower and was now frolicking in the village on my own.
My friendships weren’t totally devastated, as I’d feared. I had dinner with Nadia and I’d met Kia for coffee to collect my money, which helped me survive until my first paycheck. In time, I started hanging out with Amy and her girlfriend, Elena, too, who was a pretty woman of Mexican descent with a compact, curvy figure and big brown eyes. The best thing about her, however, was her sense of humor. Angus was the only person I hadn’t seen since I moved out, and his relative silence, compared to how it used to be, made me think he was cutting ties in solidarity with Max. That hurt but it was relatively low collateral damage, socially speaking.
A month after the breakup, I was drinking with Amy and Elena at the bar where we worked. Since the bartender liked us, he was prone to giving us beer on the cheap. Considering it was Tuesday night, the bar was pretty full, though two-dollar drafts might have been the reason. I had the weird feeling someone was watching me, but I swept the room and didn’t see anyone leering.
The front door swung open; Max and Angus came in, distracting me from the odd prickle. I froze, pretending I didn’t see them, but Amy didn’t seem to register my reluctance. She leaned forward, eyes wide, as she tracked their movements through the bar. The place was packed enough that he didn’t spot me right off.
“Isn’t that your ex?” she whispered.
Elena smirked. “The irony of you asking her that.”
I wished I could hide behind the pitcher. Instead I nodded silently, watching him with hungry eyes. It was possible to pretend everything was okay when I couldn’t see him, but with him here, it took all my willpower not to run over and beg for forgiveness again. If I thought it would help, I’d get on my knees. But he’d made everything pretty clear before.
I hadn’t given up on us, exactly, but I wanted concrete changes to show him first. Then I could say, You said I don’t live in the real world, but I do. I’ve done this on my own. I’m someone you can count on. Really. There were no guarantees, even then. We might really be done. And if so, well. I didn’t regret the changes I was making.
From this distance, it didn’t seem like he’d regained the weight he’d lost working doubles so he could take time off to meet my parents. His jeans hung off his hips and when he shrugged out of his leather jacket, his shoulderblades jabbed the back of his shirt in like bony wings. I also noticed that he’d cut his hair, no more long, shaggy waves. In fact, it looked like he’d let somebody at his head with a pair of clippers, since he just had dark stubble left, and the new look made him look more ferocious, since he was all hard angles and sinewy muscle. His face no longer seemed sweet and handsome; there was an edge to him that hadn’t been present before, like he’d become a razor blade, capable of making people bleed. With dark ink twining around his arms, he looked...dangerous. Belatedly it occurred to me that he might be trying to live up to my parents’ bad expectations.
Heart aching, I watched him take a draft beer from the bartender. His forearms were bare, showing prominent wrist bones, and his hands were chapped from working in the cold. Even at this distance, I could see the redness of his knuckles, the raw spots where his skin had cracked. And there was nobody to make him take care of himself. My eyes stung.
“Are you going to talk to him?” Elena asked.
I shook my head. “Not now. He doesn’t look...friendly.”
As I glanced across the bar, I caught Angus’s eye. For a few seconds, I thought he’d cut me out completely, but then he lifted his chin in a silent hello. But that drew Max’s attention; when he spotted me with Amy, he froze. Even from here, I could see his teeth clench. With a faint sigh, I finished the beer in my glass and tossed down a few bucks to cover my share.
“I’m done for the night. I need to head out before the last bus.”
“You sure?” Amy asked. “I can run you home.”
She an
d Elena had hung out with us at Evan’s house a few times, but I wasn’t in the mood anymore. So I shook my head. “Don’t worry about it. Have fun, you two.”
Elena lifted Amy’s hand from where she was holding it under the table and kissed the back of it. “That’s a given.”
It made me smile to see both of them so happy, so I wasn’t feeling 100 percent horrible when I wove through the maze of tables toward the exit. I shouldered my backpack and pulled up my hood, as it was still fucking freezing. This winter, we were getting lake weather with damp, icy winds and I’d feel it down to my bones by the time I got back, between waiting for the bus and walking home from the stop. Evan would probably yell at me for not calling, but he wasn’t responsible for me.
But before I could take off, someone grabbed my arm. I glanced over my shoulder, unable to believe it. “Max.”
He dragged me to the bathroom hallway, the quietest place in here. Even so, it was still loud, between the music and drunk people laughing. “What the hell are you doing?”
“Leaving, until you stopped me.”
“Why are you with Amy?”
I could’ve said I wasn’t with her, but technically, it wasn’t his business. “You broke up with me, remember? You don’t get to have an opinion on my life choices.”
His teeth ground together. “No common sense. None.”
“Thanks for the input.” But it hurt too much to look at him. Before, his eyes were all melted chocolate and caramel, but now they were more like slivers of marbled agate. “If you don’t mind, I need to go.”
I turned.
His voice came as I reached the arch leading back to the main bar area. “Are you okay? Do you... Where are you staying?”
I could’ve said something sharp, but I didn’t want to hurt him. Really, I just wanted him to love me like he used to. But I understood that I’d wrecked it. Even if I spent hours on my knees, I couldn’t put it back together with regret and glue. Maybe in a few months, I’d have enough of a track record on my own for him to believe in me.
“I’m at Evan’s place.”
His intake of breath made me realize that the truth might be worse. That one night, just before we got together, he was crazy jealous when Evan brought me home. I turned around slowly, not wanting to see Max’s face, but I couldn’t resist. If it bothered him, it could mean he wasn’t really over me—that we weren’t done, as he’d claimed—but on more of a hiatus while he worked through the shit I’d put him through. Other than Eli, I had little experience with relationships, so I was feeling my way through a minefield, trying my best not to make it worse, trying not to cause a catastrophic explosion.