“Why?” he asked.
“Because you don’t want me around. I ruined what we had, and I hate myself for it. But what more can I do?” It was really hard to talk for the tightness in my throat. His ice chips had long since melted into lukewarm water at the bottom of the cup, so there was no remedy for it.
The silence lasted long enough for me to die in my head a hundred times.
“What if I want a do-over?”
“Huh?”
“I want to turn back the clock, make it so that trip to your parents’ place never happened. I never got blindsided, never broke up with you.”
“But...it happened. We can’t pretend it didn’t.”
“Then can we pretend I accepted your apology?”
“No pretending. But...you can do that now if you want. If you’re sure.”
“Being with you is the only thing in the world that makes sense,” Max whispered. “I said it didn’t...because I was scared. Finding out where you come from, damn. That was a rude awakening. I don’t know a coffee spoon from a dessert spoon. I won’t ever impress the kind of people your parents respect. But...I’m dying without you. You took all the music when you left, Courtney. I can’t tell you how many times I almost called. And one time, I did...but you changed your number. I thought—”
“Oh, my God. No. I wasn’t avoiding you. No, no, no.” Hastily I explained how my parents had cut me off and canceled my cell service. “I have a new number. Nadia, Angus and Kia have it. You didn’t ask them?”
He shook his head. “After what I said? I couldn’t stand for one of them to answer, ‘Dude, she hates you. Take a hint.’”
“I didn’t fall in love with you in a few weeks. It was so slow and deep that I’ll never stop feeling it. You think I could move on this fast?”
“I was afraid you had. Especially when you said you’re staying with Evan.”
Yeah, he’d seemed pretty jealous last night. “Are you kidding? I’ve been working on a master plan to win you back.”
“Seriously?”
With a half smile, I outlined all the steps I’d taken to prove my independence, including the job I’d gotten at the bar. He listened with an expression that was half troubled, half astonished. And when I finished, Max hissed in pain as he sat forward, reaching for my hand. Snapping to the edge of my seat, I gave it to him, hardly daring to believe this was real.
“I hate that I’m the reason you cut ties with your folks,” he said soberly.
“You’re not. They’re being judgmental assholes. In time they’ll get over it and we’ll patch things up as best we can. Or they won’t. In the end, they’re the ones missing out. After all, we’ve got Michael and Uncle Lou, Aunt Carol and Uncle Jim...” I paused long enough for what I was saying to sink in. Yes, your family is mine, too. “Plus we have some incredible friends. And more important...we have each other. We’ll never be alone, Max.”
He studied my face with layered, curious intensity. “Are you sure you won’t regret giving up so much to be with me?”
“Are you sure you don’t want someone prettier, who looks like she belongs at your side?” Yeah, I went there.
Rage flared, before he understood what I was getting at. A slow smile formed at the edges of his wonderful mouth. Even pale and thin with eyes like he’d been to war, he was still the most beautiful person I’d ever seen. I carried both his hands to my lips and kissed the palms one by one. He shivered a little.
“Don’t make my heart race,” he complained. “They’re monitoring that shit.”
I grinned. “Sorry.”
“No, you aren’t. Not remotely.”
“Guilty.”
“So tell me about this master plan of yours.”
Compulsively, I stroked his fingers, reveling in the warm roughness of his skin. “You want to hear what you missed out on by getting stabbed?”
“Duh.”
“Well, step one—enlisting Angus to spell out messages of love on the fridge.”
“Like what?”
“Lines from poems. Song lyrics. Simple groveling for Wednesdays. It’d depend on the day, naturally.”
“Naturally,” Max agreed with a faint smile.
“Would it have worked?”
“Probably. Though if you make this sound too awesome, I might change my mind and let you make this up to me Courtney-style. What else was in the works?”
“Well, nothing was solid, but...I was going to see if Nadia could get you to go to one of our shows. I talked to the guys in the band, and we’ve added a new song to our set list. I was going to sing ‘Amazing’ to you. See how well I had it planned out?”
“I don’t know that one.”
“It’s by Johnette Napolitano. From Concrete Blonde,” I added, thinking that might connect for him better.
He tilted his head back, seeming pensive. “Yeah?”
“What’s that look about?”
“I was just picturing what it would’ve been like. If you’d gotten Nadia to drag me out to a club somewhere to see a show I didn’t want to watch and then suddenly, you’re onstage, dedicating a song to me.”
“Max likes this, check yes or no.”
With two fingers, he etched a check mark in the air. “Yes.”
“I still can, just not as part of the big reconciliation effort. This way, it’d be because I’m crazy about you.”
“That’s even better. Would you...sing it now?”
I had the song in my phone, actually. If I played it on low, I could sing along quietly without bothering the other patients. Since the nurse just came in on rounds, we wouldn’t see anyone until they brought his breakfast in an hour or two. So I nodded.
“At this point, you can have whatever you want. Choose wisely.”
“Just the song for starters.”
Incredibly embarrassed but also pleased, I found “Amazing” in my music player, knowing it probably wasn’t the romantic ballad he expected, but I didn’t have the voice to carry one off. The song was dark and raw, but the chorus was absolutely spot-on. Closing my eyes, I hit Play and gave it everything I had. A cappella singing was tough, and singing along with my phone probably didn’t help a whole lot, either. But hopefully he wouldn’t laugh.
When I finished, it took me forever to open my eyes. He wasn’t even smiling, and my stomach dropped. “Was it that bad?”
His voice came out husky. “Thank you for feeling that way about me. Until I met you, it never even occurred to me that I could be sunshine to somebody else, like you are to me.”
I felt a goofy smile forming. “You haven’t said it back, you know.”
“What?”
“That you love me.”
“That’s only four letters, how can it be big enough to describe how I feel about you? I don’t love you, I worship you. I want to carry you on my back for five hundred miles, build a bridge and then name it after you.”
A soft, giddy laugh burbled out. “The Courtney Kaufman Bridge does have quite a ring. But can’t I have a highway instead?”
“Maybe Courtney Kaufman-Cooper?” Max suggested.
Both my brows shot up. “Are you proposing?”
“More like telling your fortune. You will marry a dark-haired stranger.”
“I will not.”
“Sure, you will. Who’s stranger than me? I broke up with you for being rich.”
“No, that was because you trusted me, and I hurt you. I’m so sorry.”
“I’m over it. Your priorities realign at light speed when you get shanked.”
“Since when do mechanical engineers build bridges?” I wondered aloud.
Max grinned. “I didn’t say it was a realistic goal.”
Breakfast arrived then, the usual post-op diet, so it took me half an hour to get Max to eat anything. In the end, I had to feed him while his eyes twinkled devilishly. It wasn’t like I minded, plus he was so cute pretending his side hurt too much to move his arms.
“I’d kiss you,” he said. “I really
want to. But I taste like not-brushing-my-teeth and hospital food. Honestly, we should’ve planned this whole thing better.”
“Agreed, F+ at perfect reunions, but as long as we’re together, it’s good by me.”
“True. Do you know what I’ve been doing?”
“Taking meds?”
“No, since you’ve been gone.”
I shook my head.
“Class, projects, the odd shift at the garage. But mostly I’ve been working on your car. I can’t wait to show it to you. I was kind of obsessive, actually.”
“Are you kidding? I figured you went at it with a hammer.”
“I was planning to put a stupid red stuffed heart in the driver’s seat when I got it in drivable condition. Then I was going to make a speech about how this car is like me, we’re both kind of fucked up and you can’t see the shape of my heart—my heart was a metaphor for the car engine—just by looking, but we’ll always get you where you need to go, no matter what.” He let out a long breath. “Man, I’m glad I didn’t do that. No wonder Angus laughed when I told him.”
“The moment would’ve only been complete if you’d played ‘Shape of My Heart’ on the stereo while you were talking.”
“Would it have worked?” he asked.
“Max. All you ever needed to say to me was, ‘Courtney, come home,’ and I’d have walked through a blizzard to you, even if it meant freezing to death on the way.”
“I’d much rather you live with me than die for me.”
“That goes double for me, idiot!”
“Is that a new endearment? I don’t hate it. Just...stay. Please.”
“I will,” I promised. “I won’t leave you alone here.”
“That’s not what I mean. The hospital doesn’t scare me. Being without you? Yeah. That’s a hell I don’t want to see ever again. I love you so damn much.”
I melted. “Me, too.”
Then I kissed him. Not deeply, since he was right about the breath and the taste, but I felt like I’d die if I didn’t. Afterward, he held me as best he could, and the pleasure was indescribable. I thought I’d never be with Max like this again.
“I hear they’re letting me out tomorrow, barring any complications.”
“Never drop the C word in a hospital.”
“Are you positive you’re okay? With Eli and everything.” His lean face was soft with concern. That expression choked me up; I didn’t think I’d ever see it from Max again.
“Yeah. I held up. I’m stronger than I used to be.” There were all kinds of things to talk about later. After all, we had a future to plan. But for now, I was with the guy I loved.
Max moved his hands slowly down my back, and I felt his breath on my neck. He seemed to be smelling my hair, which sent a shiver through me. “No matter what happens, we’ll be fine.”
And we were.
EPILOGUE
Providence, RI
Six years later
As I walked past the front desk, the phone rang. “Gone Elijah Records, Margo speaking. How can I help you?”
Hearing that never failed to give me a thrill because it meant I’d actually done it—made my dream come true. I’d talked the name over with Max because I was worried it might bother him, but he understood that it was a gesture for the boy I’d lost, not meant to take anything away from the man I loved.
When I mentioned it, he’d said, “I’d have to be a dick to mind. I mean, I’m here with you. I get to be with you because he’s not.”
Yeah. Still crazy about Max.
Hard to believe sometimes, but the company was doing well. In the beginning, it was a shoestring affair, and I didn’t have half the equipment I needed. I worked out of a basement for a while. After I left the band, Racing Sorrow found a better keyboardist and they were the first group I signed...and last week, their second album was certified gold. Critics compared them to Imagine Dragons and they were on the cover of Billboard last month.
I didn’t waste your money, Granddad.
The receptionist listened for a few seconds and then asked with a silent lift of her brows if I was in. I shook my head. She tucked the phone into the crook of her neck and got a pen to take a message. It was late on Friday afternoon, and I was heading out for a rare weekend off. Usually I’d be in the studio even on Saturday, plus I had a box full of demos to listen to, but Max and I hadn’t taken a vacation in over a year. I was missing the hell out of him, actually, because his job required him to travel sometimes, and he’d been in Phoenix for the past week checking prototypes at a satellite facility.
But he was due home tonight. I was meeting him at the airport, and then we were flying to Myrtle Beach together. Excitement made me skip out of the office and to the parking lot. My gorgeous, cherry-red Opel GT was waiting, exquisitely restored. Max gave it to me instead of a ring the day he proposed. I got the ring later, but the car? I would never, ever part with it.
My phone rang as I was heading for the airport so I put in my earpiece. “This is Courtney, talk to me.”
Max came across the line, a smile evident in his voice. “You know how sexy it is when you’re in shot-caller mode?”
“You could tell me.”
“If I get you too excited, you might end up in a ditch. Are you almost here? We’re boarding in fifteen minutes.”
“I’m at long-term parking. Just let me get my bag...and I’m getting on the shuttle bus right now.”
“Liar, you’re locking the car.”
“You know me too well. I’ll be there soon.”
I found him waiting near the second set of doors, slightly rumpled from the first flight, but also incredibly handsome. None of the travelers passing by knew about the ink hidden beneath his jacket or the scars he’d gotten early in life—or the one he’d taken protecting me.
His lean build hadn’t changed much since college, and he wore suits beautifully. Today, he had on a dark blue pinstripe with a purple tie and charcoal-gray shirt. Very few men could pull off a vest, but he was so damn hot spinning in impatient circles, looking for me, that I couldn’t resist running at him like a defensive tackle. He caught me in his arms and spun me around, then lowered his head for a long, long kiss.
“Mmm. I missed you.” Smiling up at him, I dragged him toward security.
“You have our boarding passes?”
“Of course. Margo’s very efficient.”
“Work going okay?”
“You know it. Indie labels now account for forty percent of the market.” I teased him by producing the same statistic I always quoted when he asked.
“Yeah, yeah. Come on.” He took my hand.
It was a bit of a scramble, and we were among the last to board, but soon we were settled in the first-class cabin, waiting to take off. I asked for champagne while Max got orange juice. With his free hand, he laced our fingers together and gave a tired sigh.
“I wouldn’t do this for anyone but you,” he mumbled. “I’m tired and I want to sleep with you in my own bed.”
“Please. You know you’re dying to see everyone. It’s been, what, two years?”
He thought about it and nodded. “Sounds about right. We got together in Vegas last time.”
These days, Angus had a clinic in Hollywood while Del worked as a corporate attorney in LA. Kia was a trauma surgeon at a hospital in Baltimore while Lauren ran a security company in Toronto; she’d married Nadia’s brother, Rob, who had a syndicated TV show. Of our old crowd, so far Nadia and Ty were the only ones with kids; they had a little girl three years ago and were still in Michigan, though she taught in Ann Arbor, and he’d become an architect.
My parents were starting to make noises that it was time for us to get started on grandchildren, but as ever, I was ignoring them. Though it took a full year of silence, they eventually apologized to both Max and me. Last time I saw them, it was at Uncle Lou’s house. Ma liked him a lot, and once they’d talked about Max’s past, she couldn’t mother her son-in-law enough. He still wasn’t used to he
r brand of devotion, though. Sometimes I caught him staring at her with quiet terror like she might strangle-hug him to death.
“I hope the house is big enough.”
I grinned. “If not, we’ll have people crashed out on the floor, just like the old days.”
“Hopefully they’ll be wearing pants.”
“You can dream. Nadia said Lauren might be inviting other people, too.” I kissed his cheek as the flight attendant announced cross-check.
“Who?”
“Friends from their hometown, I think. Is Michael coming?”
“Not sure. I invited him. He said he’d try but he just started a new job and he might not be able to get the time off.”
“He’s still dating Maddie?” I was asking about Kia’s friend from home, younger than us, three years older than Michael. Now that was a story.
“As far as I know. He gets grumpy when I bug him about his love life.”
“Understandable. You were pretty snappish when he was pestering you to propose to me already, remember? He was so worried you’d let me get away.”
He smiled at me with his eyes. “No way. Am I crazy?”
Preening a little, I admired the white-gold princess-cut ring on my finger, along with the elegant band beneath it. Max’s ring was pretty scarred up from the work he did. Maybe I’d buy him a new one for our anniversary. Just then, the plane jolted into motion, backing away from the terminal. I’d always hated takeoffs and landings, though I didn’t mind flying once we were in the air. Max tightened his hand around mine because he understood that about me. At this point, I couldn’t think of much he didn’t know.
“You ready for this?” he asked softly.
“Yep.” The rest of our life was waiting, along with our best and dearest friends. “Let the adventure begin.”
* * * * *
Keep reading for an excerpt from AS LONG AS YOU LOVE ME by Ann Aguirre.
Author’s Note
THANK YOU!
I’m so glad you read The Shape of My Heart. I hope you enjoyed it.
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