The movie had a lot of action in it with special effects that made you jump in your seat, but there was a warm love story, too. The audience was noisy and some boys in front of us got into a fight. The management threw them out. I recognized they were boys from our school.
"Fools," Roy muttered. "They act just the way people expect them to act."
Roy was no activist. He wasn't one to join causes and organizations. He was a private man, really a loner, but he held onto his beliefs about race relations and equality. He never made speeches, but from the things he said here and there, I knew he was ashamed of the way the people in The Projects behaved. It was why he hated the gangs so much and never hung out with boys who belonged.
"As long as we act like they think we act, we'll always be second class citizens," he declared. It was about as much as he would say about the issues. He avoided arguments and never got into discussions about these things. Ken ranted and raved sometimes about the inequalities, blaming his own poor state of affairs on everything from the time of the first slave ship, but Roy never joined in on his complaints and it always bothered Ken that his son didn't parrot the things he said.
"Did you enjoy the movie?" Roy asked as soon as we left the theater.
"Yes. Well, not the car crashes and explosions so much, but I liked the way he broke down at the end and admitted all he ever cared about was her."
Roy laughed.
Above us in an apartment building, someone had their windows open and the sounds of music flowed into the street. Off in the distant sky, a commercial jet rose toward the stars, taking people west, maybe to California.
"You're a sucker for romance, huh?"
"It's nice to have someone care more about you than he cares about himself," I said.
Roy gazed at me and we walked quietly for a while. A gang of teenagers passed by, running in the street and forcing cars to slow down. Some drivers sounded their horns, but that only made the kids more defiant. They disappeared around a corner.
"They're all just bored," I said. "That's why they get into trouble."
"Maybe they're just bad."
"They could be good," I insisted. Roy laughed.
"You're a real sweet person, Rain. You want to know why I don't go on dates so much? It's because I'm trying to find a girl just like you, someone who thinks about other people, too. Most of the girls I know are in love with themselves first and foremost. That's all they talk about when they're with me, themselves, their clothes, their hair, their figures and they're always fishing for compliments. Don't I look nice? Do you like my hair like this or should I wear more make-up? They know the answers. They just want to hear me sound like some fan club."
I laughed.
"What's so funny?"
"I never heard you go on so," I said.
"Well, I can't help it. It gets to me sometimes. You never brag about yourself or put Beni down. I watch and listen to the two of you, Rain. And you're the prettiest girl in that damn school, too," he declared.
"Oh, I am not, Roy Arnold."
"Yes, you are. They know it too. Why do you think other girls are mean to you? They're just jealous, is all."
"You just say that because you're my brother," I told him, smiling.
"I don't say it about Beni, Rain. She's not ugly, but she's not beautiful like you."
I felt myself get warm in the neck and face and looked away quickly. Roy had never said things so directly to me like this before and I didn't know how to respond.
"It's not good for a girl to be so vain. It's a sin, Roy. You've heard Mama say so lots of times."
"You don't have to be stuck-up. Just don't ever feel below anyone, Rain."
"Everyone's got faults, Roy. Me, too. Don't build your dream girl so high you can never reach her," I said. "I don't want to see you lonely. You deserve the best girl."
"Right now, I got her with me," he said. He squeezed my hand and as we walked on home, I wondered if I should dare to believe the things he told me about myself.
Mama was asleep when we arrived, but we were both shocked when we entered the apartment. There was a six pack of beer on the table. Roy glanced at me and then we walked slowly to the living room. There was Ken sprawled over the couch, his arm dangling. He was home again.
Roy and I looked at each other and he shook his head. We both felt like prize fighters about to start another round.
3
A Terrible Truth
.
I woke with a start in the middle of the night.
She had entered so quietly that apparently no one else in the house had heard. At first I thought it was Ken still drunk and confused, wandering about. I sat up quickly, my heart going like a jackhammer. Someone was standing in the doorway, silhouetted by the weak hallway light. She just stood there staring in at me, not moving, dark and still as a bad dream. For a moment I couldn't find my voice.
"Beni?" I whispered. Why was she home? Why would she just be standing there?
I heard a sob and then she entered and threw herself across my bed, her knees on the floor, her head against my legs. She sobbed louder, harder.
"Beth, what's wrong? Why are you home?"
"Oh, Rain, they put something in my drink. I woke up a little while ago in a bed and I was naked. I had to crawl on the floor to find my clothes. I couldn't find everything. They stole my panties. Someone's got my panties!" she wailed.
I helped her up and she embraced me and hung on as if we were both in a sinking boat. Her tears soaked my cheek. We rocked together. Never had Beni ever held me as tightly. I felt horrible for her.
"What happened, Beni? Tell me all of it."
She choked back her tears and buried her face in my pillow.
"I can't. I'm so ashamed. When I woke up I saw an empty film container on the floor. Maybe they took pictures of me. I'm so ashamed."
"I thought those girls were your friends, Beni. Why did they let this happen?"
She lifted her head and took a deep breath.
"They were all drinking and smoking pot and then ...then I don't know. The music was loud. Everyone was having so much fun. I didn't watch myself. I just did what they were doing because I thought Carlton liked that. He was drinking vodka in cranberry juice. I was drinking the same thing. I couldn't even taste the vodka. We went into Alicia's bedroom. I remember that. He was kissing me and telling me how much he liked me. We were on the bed and..."
"What?" I asked. She appeared to be recalling it as she described it to me.
"The door opened. The lights were bright. I heard lots of laughter and there were other boys. The room started to spin. Then I don't remember, Rain. I can't remember anything. I just woke up and found myself naked. I was naked! They must have put something in my drink!"
"Okay, Beni. Okay. Take it easy. You'll wake Roy," I warned, even though I didn't think so. I had to calm her down.
She took a deep breath and nodded.
"I don't know what all they did to me, Rain. I got stuff on me, on my legs and stomach," she said in a loud whisper.
I held my breath.
"Stuff?"
"I think...from boys," she said. "You know, when they get excited."
"Oh, Jesus," I moaned. I couldn't help it. It sounded so disgusting. "You take a hot bath now. I'll go fix it for you, Beni."
She seized my hand, squeezing it so hard it hurt. "Maybe I'm in big trouble, Rain."
"No, no," I said trying to assure her.
"What am? What if I get pregnant or something?" "You're not going to. Stop thinking the worst. Let me go fix your bath, Beni. Just rest here."
I lifted her arm from my waist and slipped off the bed. She buried her face in the pillow and continued to sob, her cries getting louder.
"Don't, Beni. You're sure to wake Mama. And Ken is back, too," I said.
She stopped crying and pushed herself up a little. "Ken's back?"
"Yes. Roy and I went to the movies and when we came home, we found him passed out on the sofa. He's pr
obably still there. I don't even know if Mama knows he's back."
"Oh damn. Everything's happening at once. He'll kill me. Ken will kill me if he finds out."
"No one's going to kill you, Beni. You'll take a bath and go to sleep."
"What will I tell Mama when she asks why I came home?"
"I don't know. Let me think, Beni. I hate all these lies," I moaned.
"I don't even know exactly what they did to me," she chanted. She embraced herself and rocked. "Someone's got my panties."
"Maybe you just couldn't find them, Beni." I mumbled and hurried to the bathroom, blaming myself now because I had gone along with her and helped her to get Mama to let her go. I should have known better. I should have done more to stop her. Roy will be so furious at both of us, I thought. And poor Mama, with all she has to bear, now to have this added to the burden. She'll just crumble like some piece of thin clay, old and tired and dried out from shedding all those tears. I had to think, think hard, find a way to keep this terrible secret from her. Even more important than protecting Beni at the moment was the need to protect Mama. And Beni was right. Who knew what Ken would do?
This was one time I was glad Roy slept like the dead. Between Beni's sobs and the noise we made getting her from our bedroom and into the bath, I was sure someone would wake to see what we were doing. Thankfully, no one did. Ken was still snoring on the sofa and Mama must have been so exhausted, she slept right through all the noise.
Once I got Beni undressed, I felt even more terrible for her. Just as she said, boys had done things on her stomach and her breasts. She complained about the aches in her thighs. I got her into the water and helped her wash. She even had to wash her hair. It smelled like someone had poured whiskey on it. Afterward, I wrapped her in a big towel and helped dry her because she suddenly got a violent case of the chills. Her teeth rattled and her whole body
shuddered. We returned to the bedroom and I helped her put on a nightgown and get under her blankets.
"My head feels like it's full of pinballs knocking into each other," she moaned.
I found some aspirin for her and had her take two. She held onto my hand as if she thought if I left her side, she would disappear. I sat beside her and waited while she mumbled about what they had done to her until she fell asleep. Then I pried her fingers from mine, straightened her blankets, and went to bed.
But I didn't fall back to sleep. I lay there, thinking, trying to come up with some reason, some way to explain Beni's being home without alarming Mama and causing another family crisis.
However, there was so much commotion in the morning when Mama woke up and found Ken in the living room, I didn't have much chance to prepare her for the sight of Beni.
"So you finally decided to come back, Ken Arnold," I heard her say. "After you ran out of money, no doubt. Just like always."
"Quiet, woman," Ken pleaded. "You'll bust my head open with that mouth of yours."
"I hope I do," she told him.
I looked over at Beni, who was still asleep, her back to me, her face to the wall. I put on my robe and went out to keep Mama from getting into another down and out shouting match with Ken. Roy met me in the hall. We looked at each other and then joined Mama in the kitchen.
"He's back," she told us and waved her hand toward the living room. "Looking like a homeless fool. Go take yourself a bath or a shower, Ken Arnold," she cried toward the living room doorway. "You're fouling up my living room with the stench."
"Leave me be. Make some coffee," he added.
"Make some coffee," Mama muttered. "I hope he didn't go and lose that good job," she continued as she started to make the coffee.
Ken had a job as a janitor in a government building and it would give him benefits if he lasted six months.
Roy scratched his head and turned to go back to his room. He stopped dead in the hallway after gazing through my and Beni's bedroom door.
"I thought she was sleeping over at her friend's house. Why is she home?" he asked.
Mama spun around.
"Who?" She looked at me. "Beni came home last night?"
"Yes, Mama," I said.
She nodded, pressing her lower lip over her upper and sagged her shoulders. Her forehead rippled into folds of worry, her eyes darkening.
"Go on, tell me what."
"Nothing, Mama," I said quickly. "Only, she did what you told her to do. When they were going to leave to go to a hip-hop joint, she left them and came home."
Mama tilted her head with skepticism. I shifted my eyes quickly, only they focused on Roy and that was worse. He was frowning.
"There's more to this," he said.
"There was drugs and drinking," I admitted.
"Beni do any of that?" Mama pursued quickly.
"She drank some, got sick and came home, Mama," I said. It was at least part of the truth.
Mama and Roy looked at each other. If Roy let it go, Mama would, I knew.
"That all?" Mama had to ask.
"It wasn't a nice place to be, Mama. Beni realized that. Most girls in school wouldn't have come home," I added enthusiastically.
"Yeah, I suppose that's true enough," Mama said. "She all right?"
"She's going to have a helluva headache, I bet," Roy said.
"Good. Teach her a lesson. She can go lay in there with her father and they can moan at each other all morning," Mama declared. "What's that they say about the apple not falling far from the tree?"
"I did," Roy said quickly.
"Yes, you did, son. I thank the Lord, too."
"And so did Rain," Roy asserted.
Mama stared at me for a moment and then nodded. "Go see to her," Mama told me. "I've got a bigger problem on my hands this morning."
She turned back to the coffee. I glanced at Roy, who looked more suspicious than I wanted him to look, and then I hurried back to the bedroom to wait for Beni to wake up. I had to tell her what I had told Roy and Mama or she would get us both in more trouble, I thought.
She didn't appear to be close to waking up, even after another hour had passed and everyone was in the kitchen having breakfast. I had to shake her.
She moaned and turned slowly.
"What?" she asked as soon as she opened her eyes. I told her what I had told Mama and Roy.
"Why did you tell her I got drunk? Now she'll never let me out," Beni moaned.
"She's happy you came home, Beni. I told her most girls wouldn't have, so no matter how she hollers at you, you know she's not as mad as she makes out to be. I did the best I could," I explained.
"I feel terrible," she moaned when she sat up. She held her stomach and then put her other hand over her eyes and moaned. She fell back to her pillow. "Just let me be," she pleaded.
"You better get up and get dressed, Beni. It will be worse if you lay in bed all morning. Mama will be in here soon anyway," I warned.
She narrowed her eyes and stared at me for a moment. "You're glad, aren't you? You're happy this happened to me. Now you feel so right and perfect."
"That's not true, Beni. I feel sorry for you. I really do."
"Sure," she said. She turned toward the wall. "Jerad was there. He probably got them to do this to me just to get revenge on you and Roy," she declared. "It's true, I bet." Angrily, she threw off her blanket. "None of this might have happened to me otherwise."
"That's stupid, Beni. You can't make excuses for those kind of people and you can't shift blame to me and Roy. So stop it," I snapped at her.
I dressed and came out of the bedroom before she did.
Mama had made Ken his favorite breakfast, buckwheat pancakes, despite her show of anger. Roy sat across from him eating sullenly.
"She up?" Mama demanded.
"Yes, Mama. She's coming out."
"What's with Beni?" Ken asked. "She sick?"
"Yeah, she's sick. She caught your disease," Mama told him. His eyes widened and he looked at me. "What's been going on 'round here, Rain?"
"Since when was that you
r concern, Ken Arnold?" Mama shot at him.
"Quiet, woman. Rain?"
"Don't yell at Mama," Roy warned him.
Ken turned toward him slowly, his bloodshot eyes suddenly bright as the center of a candle flame. Mama quickly inserted herself, pouring more coffee into Ken's cup.
"Don't you two start fighting now. I don't need that this morning. And don't you worry about him yelling at me, Roy. I can take care of him," she said nodding at Ken. He simmered down and turned back to me.
"What's wrong with Beni?" he demanded.
"She drank some liquor at a party and got sick," I told him quickly.
He stared at me for a moment and then let out a whoop and a laugh, slapping his knee.
"Got sick, huh? Chip off the old block, you say, woman?" he asked Mama. "I never got sick. She's got your fragile stomach, not mine," he said, as if drinking and eating bad food was an accomplishment.
Mama raised her eyes to the ceiling.
"Lord, give me strength," she said.
Beni stepped out into the hall and we all turned to her.
She looked like she had a helmet made of lead over her head. Her eyes drooped like sagging old curtains.
"Well, girl," Mama declared, her hands on her hips, "what do you have to say for yourself this morning?"
"I made a mistake and I don't feel good," Beth replied. She avoided my eyes and Roy's. When she looked at Ken, she shifted her tired orbs quickly and stared at the floor.
"You'd think watching your father all these years would be enough to make you a teetotaler," Mama said.
"What do you mean, watching your father? Why do you blame me for her behavior? You're with her more than me. If she's done bad it's your fault, woman. Not mine."
"Right," Mama said. "You just sire children like some race horse and gallop away," she added.
Beni looked at me, grateful that Mama was directing her anger at Ken and not at her.
"Sit down and put something substantial into your stomach," Mama told her and nodded at the chair.