"I just want coffee, Mama."
"I didn't ask you what you wanted. I told you to eat something, child," she ordered.
Beth did as she was told. After breakfast, Ken went back to sleep and Beni retreated quicky to her own bed. I helped Mama clean the table and the dishes. Roy had to go to work at Slim's, but he paused on the way out when he had the opportunity to catch me alone.
"There's more to her story," he said nodding at Beth's and my bedroom. "Don't believe her."
"At least she's all right, Roy," I said. "She'll think twice about hanging around those girls now."
"Don't bet on it," he said. "And stop protecting her. We're all swimming in rough waters. You let her wrap herself around you, she'll drag you down with her," he predicted and left.
Beni slept most of the day. Mama complained but let her be. In the afternoon, Ken went to meet some of his friends and I finished all my homework. When Beth woke up again, she was even in a more irritable mood. As soon as she stepped out of the bedroom, Mama began to bawl her out and lecture her about her behavior.
"Don't you even think of asking me to let you out of this house at night again for some time, girl," she told her. "I want you home right after school, too. Until you're eighteen, you're my responsibility, hear?"
"That's not fair, Mama. Everyone makes mistakes," Beni moaned.
"Yeah, well, I've got enough problems without you adding more, Beth Arnold. You just make sure you don't fail any more tests, either. I'll be watching you closer than before, hear?"
Beth got up and returned to our bedroom, slamming the door behind her. She glared at me.
"Thanks a lot," she said.
"What do you mean? What did I do?"
"You got me in trouble. If you didn't say anything, I could have made up a better story," she cried. "Now she won't let me do anything. I hate it here."
"That's not fair, Beth. I was only trying to help you. You think I like lying to Mama for you? Well, you're wrong. I'm not going to do it again," I vowed.
"Good," she said and threw herself on her bed with her back to me.
Roy was right, I thought. Beth would sink us both.
.
It was harder for both Beni and me at school now. Some of the boys who had been at the party teased her and her supposedly loyal girlfriends didn't do much to protect her, either. Every one of them seemed to think what had happened to her was funny and not very serious. Beni looked so lost, I felt sorry for her. I watched her sitting at a corner of her friends' table in the cafeteria, brooding and keeping her eyes down while the other girls laughed and the boys tormented her. Finally, not being able to stand it any longer, I left Lucy Adamson and went to where Beni was sitting.
"Why do you sit here with them?" I snapped at her. "These aren't your friends. Look what they did to you," I said glaring at Nicole and Alicia.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Alicia demanded. "We didn't do nothing to nobody. Anything that happened to her, happened because she wanted it to happen."
"Sure," I said. "With friends like you, she doesn't need any enemies."
"You bitch," Nicole said, rising.
"Just leave it be," Beni told me.
"How can you sit here?"
"She'd rather be with us than with Miss Prissy," Alicia said. "At least she's having some fun with us."
"You call what happened to her fun?" I grimaced. "I really feel sorry for you."
"Shut your mouth," Nicole said. "Or shut it for you."
"Will you just go away," Beni cried. "You're just making everything worse for me."
I looked at her, at the pleading in her eyes. I really felt sorry for her, but I didn't know what to do.
"You're just jealous, is all," Nicole said. "You're dying to have a man put his hands on that precious body of yours, Miss Prissy."
The girls laughed.
"Yeah, it's different than you putting your hands on yourself," Alicia said. They all laughed again.
"You're all disgusting," I said and turned away, leaving their laughter rising like a wave behind me.
"Why are you starting with them?" Lucy asked when I returned to our table.
"I'm trying to help my sister," I said.
"You're just going to get them after you all the time now, and they'll bother me too," she said.
"If you're so afraid, you don't have to sit with me, Lucy," I said.
She looked at the girls and then at me.
"I have--to go to the bathroom," she said and left quickly.
Beni didn't want me helping her and now the few friends I had were afraid to be seen with me. How I hated this place, I thought. But home, where I felt like a caged animal, was no better. Mama couldn't do anything to help. Ken was irresponsible, and poor Roy was struggling to keep us above water.
That afternoon when we returned home from school we found Ken in the living room, smoking, drinking a beer and watching television. Why wasn't he at work?
"That you, girls?" he called.
"Yes, Ken," Beni said.
"Good. Beni, get me another beer, will ya. My foot's bothering me today."
She looked at me and went to the refrigerator. I followed her into the living room and watched her hand Ken his beer.
"How come you're home so early?" she asked him. "Ah, that moron supervisor fired me," he said. "He had it in for me right from the start."
"So why aren't you looking for another job?" I asked quickly, so quickly it snapped his head around.
"Since when did you get such a mouth?"
I felt my heart skip a beat. From the way he was shaking his head, I knew he had already had too much to drink.
"I'm just worried about Mama. She's working an extra shift to make ends meet," I told him.
"What about Roy? He's bringing in a good check. Don't worry," he said waving his hand, "we aren't gonna starve." He stared at the two of us as he drank from his bottle of beer. "You girls ought to find a job, too," he added.
"That's what I told Mama," Beni said.
"Well, that's good. At least you aren't lazy. That's good."
"She won't let us work," Beni complained.
"What? Why not? That's stupid. You're both strong young girls. You can do something until I find another position."
"When's that going to be?" I asked.
Again, he glared at me with those glassy eyes.
"When I find it," he said firmly. "Don't you go being another nag around here," he warned. "You've got no right to talk to me like that. You've got no right to make any demands, girl."
I felt my eyebrows rise. He made it sound as if I wasn't a member of the family.
"None of you do," he added. "Now leave me be. I'm trying to relax and forget my troubles for a while."
"Tell Mama to let me quit school and get a job," Beni told him. "Tell her, Ken."
"I will," he promised, nodding emphatically. "I certainly will. You girls are old enough to help out. I don't see why not." He guzzled more beer. "Comes a time when a man's kids should make things easier for him. Why not?" he muttered and nodded as if he was talking himself into the idea.
Beni looked pleased.
"Don't listen to him, Beni," I whispered when we left the living room. "You can smell the alcohol on him. He doesn't know what he's saying."
"Yes, he does. I hope he tells Mama to let me quit school and work," she emphasized.
I shook my head at her with disgust and went into our room to change. Then I started preparing supper. Mama had brought home some pork chops from the supermarket last night. At least they let her buy groceries at the wholesale prices. Some time back she had shown me how to make stuffed pork chops, which was one of Roy's favorite meals. I began to saute the onions. The aroma from the garlic and herbs filled the small apartment. Ken peered in to see what I was doing just as Beni came out of the bathroom. His eyes opened and closed and he wobbled in the doorway.
"How come you can't cook like Rain, huh?" he asked Beni.
"I can't do anything as
good as Rain," Beni complained with a smirk, "so I don't even try."
Ken's eyes grew smaller.
"Get me another beer," he demanded.
"Don't you think you've had enough?" I asked him.
"I don't need no kid telling me when I had enough. Jeeze, your Mama's turning all of you against me," he wailed.
"I'll get it for you," Beth offered and did.
"Thank you, Beni," he said smiling at her. He glared at me and then returned to plop into his easy chair. Beth smirked at me.
"Ken likes me more, I think," she said smugly.
"I'm glad for you," I told her. She was getting me so angry that I worked harder and faster to keep my mind busy. I had everything simmering by the time Mama came home.
"It smells heavenly," she told me. She heard the television going, but thought it was Beni.
"Why doesn't Beni at least set the table before Ken and Roy get home?" she muttered.
"Ken's home," I told her. "He lost his job:'
"No. I was afraid of that. He's just no good:' She pulled up her shoulders and straightened her spine for battle.
"I think he's been drinking too much again, Mama. Maybe you should just let him be."
"Damn him," she cried and headed for the living room. I took a deep breath and started to set the table.
Ken had been drinking all day. He had started at one of the taverns when he was fired and then he had come home and had drunk nearly two six packs by the time Mama had arrived. He was nearly passed out when she began on him. I wasn't going to listen. It was like a broken CD, stuck on the same old tune; but they raised their voices so loud, I'm sure the neighbors heard them clearly.
"How could you lose this job? It was one of your better ones," Mama said. "If you would have lasted, we would have had some good benefits, medical and dental. Don't you care at all about this family?"
"That supervisor had it in for me. He always did," Ken claimed. "He's a cracker and thinks we're trash."
"That's what you say all the time. Just excuses for your own despicable behavior. That's all that is."
"Leave me be."
"What are we supposed to do, Ken? We have the rent to pay and the girls need things, things we haven't been able to afford. They need clothes. They're outgrowing everything. We're late on the electric and gas and I'm afraid to make dentist appointments for anyone because we still have such a bill. We could get evicted. The manager said so. Then where are we going to be? Out on the street, that? where,"
"I'll get a job soon," he promised.
"When? I haven't seen your paycheck for weeks now. How could you waste all that money?"
"I said I'd get work, woman. So lay off of me. Besides, why don't you let the girls get some work? They could bring in some money."
"They're schoolgirls. They don't belong in the streets working some fast-food joint late at night. And I won't have them dropping out to work days. Rain's got a chance to win a scholarship to college," she added. I had no idea Mama knew about the scholarship.
"Well, Beni could work."
"She'll just get into trouble, Ken. She hasn't got as much common sense as Rain does."
"Oh? Why's that?" he demanded. From the way he slurred his words, I knew he was too drunk to listen or make any sense, but Mama wasn't going to let up on him.
"You blame it on me. You think she's just like me, huh? And you know the other one ain't, is that it?"
"It's just how it is," she said. "It's nobody's fault."
"Sure. You think Rain's special. You always did. You care more about her than you do your own. I'm sorry now I did it," he added.
I turned away from the stove and paused near the doorway to the living room. More than your own? What was he talking about?
"Shut your drunken mouth," Mama said.
"You always acted as if you were given some sort of princess," he declared. "She should be working for us. We done enough for her."
"I'm not hearing any more of this," Mama said. I heard her start for the door.
"Just don't throw it up at me that we have all these mouths to feed and dentist and doctor bills," he shouted. "You wanted her and you never complained about the money."
"I never saw the money," Mama shouted back at him. "Now shut your mouth."
"It's time she carried some of the burden here. I ain't as young as I was. I'm tired, too. Let her bring something in. White girls work too, you know," he added.
It was as if a lightning bolt had shot through the apartment. There was that all too familiar silence before the clap of thunder, only this time the thunder was in my head. What was that supposed to mean? White girls work too? I waited.
"Please Ken, lower your voice," Mama cajoled.
"I'm not lowering anything. This is my home, hear? I'm the man of this house and I got rights. We did plenty for them." He was quiet for a moment and then I heard him say, "We didn't get enough the first time. We should get more. Yeah, that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to get us more."
"Don't you even think of it, Ken."
"Why not? It's like you said, there are more bills now. We didn't know at the time just how expensive it was going to be, see? We weren't given enough so it's only right that we get more."
"Just sit there. Don't you move. Don't you do anything stupid, Ken Arnold."
"I'm tired of you bossing me around, Latisha. Get outta my way. I got business."
"Stop it." Mama cried.
The next thing I heard was her scream and the sound of a crash and splintering wood. I rushed in to the living room. Beth came out of the bedroom, too. When I reached Mama, she was lying on the floor beside the table that I imagined she had fallen on top of. Ken stood over her, his hands clenched in fists. He gaped at me.
"Did you hit her?" I demanded.
"Don't you stand there accusing me, girl," he said. Mama reached up. Her right eye already looked swollen.
"Let her be, Ken," she moaned.
Ken stepped around me and headed for the door. "Don't do it, Ken," Mama pleaded, but he was out the door.
"Get me some ice," Mama called to Beni. She turned to me. "I don't want Roy hearing about this, Rain. It will be bad:'
"Your eye's swelling up already, Mama."
"I'll tell him I fell. You back me, Rain."
"When are we going to put an end to all these lies, Mama?" I muttered, more to myself than to her.
Beni brought Mama some ice wrapped in a washcloth. She pressed it to her eyebrow.
"What did he mean before, Mama?"
"Mean?"
"I couldn't help but hear. When he said white girls work too? What did he mean by that?"
"Who knows?" she said shrugging as she pulled herself up onto the sofa. She lay back, holding the ice to her eye. I looked at Beni, who was embracing herself and looked like she was about to burst into tears, too.
"Where's he going?" I asked. Mama didn't answer. "What did he mean, you didn't get enough from them? Enough from whom, Mania?"
"Stop asking so many questions, Rain:' she snapped at me. "See about the dinner before something burns."
I rose slowly, looking from Beni to Mama.
"You always tell us it's a bigger sin to lie to each other, Mama. You always say that."
"Oh Rain, please. Don't we have enough trouble already?"
"Where's Ken going, Mama? Who does he expect will give him more money and what does it have to do with me? Please, Mama. Tell me." Mama never avoided my questions. The way she was acting now scared me more than Ken's violence had.
"Oh Lordy, Lord, help me," she wailed and rocked herself.
"Mama?"
She raised her eyes to the ceiling. I knew she was praying. I looked at Beni, who looked as frightened as I felt as she stood there, practically holding her breath.
"Mama?"
She looked at me, her lips pressed hard together.
"This isn't the way I wanted you to find out, Rain. This isn't right."
"Please, just tell me, Mama:'
My heart pounded. I held my hands against my stomach. Tears clouded my eyes.
"Why can't you just let it be, child?"
"Mama, please, just tell me," I cried. I felt Beni step up beside me.
Mama took a deep breath. She seemed to reach down into her very soul for the strength.
"He's going to try to get your real mama to give him more money," she said.
And it was as if the ceiling of our apartment had come crashing down around me.
That long awaited thunder roared through my ears, and then, silence.
4
All I've Ever Known
.
I glanced at Beni; her eyes were whirlpools of
confusion and her jaw hung open as if she was in the middle of a scream. Mama looked like she was on fire. Her face was filled with that much pain. I felt as if I had gone deaf. All the usual noises around me had died. I heard no footsteps, no shouts from the hallways, no clanging pipes or wailing car sirens from the street below. The only sound was the rumble following the rush of blood from my face down into my neck.
Without saying a word, I turned and ran out of the living room and then out the front door.
"Rain!" Mama shouted, but I let the door shut off her voice and I charged down the stairs, my whole body thumping with every step.
I didn't even remember leaving the building. One moment I was standing there looking at Mama and Beni and the next I was on the street, walking so fast I was practically running. I didn't hear or see anyone or anything, including cars. Horns blared, and people shouted at me when I crossed against the light. One automobile's brakes screeched so sharply and loudly, my ears stung. However, I kept walking as if I knew where I was going. Tears streamed down my face and flew off my chin. My chest felt as if it was going to explode, but I didn't stop even though the world in front of me and around me was a blur.
Latisha Arnold wasn't my real mother? The woman I had called Mama all my life wasn't part of me and I wasn't part of her? Who was my real mother? Was Ken still my real father? More important, who was I? Ken had called me a white girl. How could that be? What did he mean?
Suddenly, in one quick moment, my name, my family, all of my history, my memories, everything, was like soap bubbles. popping all around me. The whole world had been turned upside down, pulled out from under me. I felt like I was dangling in space.