LETTER XXXIV
MR. LOVELACE, TO JOHN BELFORD, ESQ.
Just come from the women.
'Have I gone so far, and am I afraid to go farther?--Have I not already,as it is evident by her behaviour, sinned beyond forgiveness?--A woman'stears used to be to me but as water sprinkled on a glowing fire, whichgives it a fiercer and brighter blaze: What defence has this lady but hertears and her eloquence? She was before taken at no weak advantage. Shewas insensible in her moments of trial. Had she been sensible, she musthave been sensible. So they say. The methods taken with her haveaugmented her glory and her pride. She has now a tale to tell, that shemay tell with honour to herself. No accomplice-inclination. She canlook me into confusion, without being conscious of so much as a thoughtwhich she need to be ashamed of.'
This, Jack, is the substance of the women's reasonings with me.
To which let me add, that the dear creature now sees the necessity I amin to leave her. Detecting me is in her head. My contrivances are ofsuch a nature, that I must appear to be the most odious of men if I amdetected on this side matrimony. And yet I have promised, as thou seest,that she shall set out to Hampstead as soon as she pleases in themorning, and that without condition on her side.
Dost thou ask, What I meant by this promise?
No new cause arising, was the proviso on my side, thou'lt remember.But there will be a new cause.
Suppose Dorcas should drop the promissory note given her by her lady?Servants, especially those who cannot read or write, are the mostcareless people in the world of written papers. Suppose I take it up?--at a time, too, that I was determined that the dear creature should beher own mistress?--Will not this detection be a new cause?--A cause thatwill carry with it against her the appearance of ingratitude!
That she designed it a secret to me, argues a fear of detection, andindirectly a sense of guilt. I wanted a pretence. Can I have a better?--If I am in a violent passion upon the detection, is not passion anuniversally-allowed extenuator of violence? Is not every man and womanobliged to excuse that fault in another, which at times they findattended with such ungovernable effects in themselves?
The mother and sisterhood, suppose, brought to sit in judgment upon thevile corrupted--the least benefit that must accrue from the accidentaldiscovery, if not a pretence for perpetration, [which, however, may bethe case,] an excuse for renewing my orders for her detention till myreturn from M. Hall, [the fault her own,] and for keeping a stricterwatch over her than before; with direction to send me any letters thatmay be written by her or to her.--And when I return, the devil's in itif I find not a way to make her choose lodgings for herself, (sincethese are so hateful to her,) that shall answer all my purposes; andyet I no more appear to direct her choice, than I did before in these.
Thou wilt curse me when thou comest to this place. I know thou wilt.But thinkest thou that, after such a series of contrivance, I will losethis inimitable woman for want of a little more? A rake's a rake, Jack!--And what rake is withheld by principle from the perpetration of anyevil his heart is set upon, and in which he thinks he can succeed?--Besides, am I not in earnest as to marriage?--Will not the generality ofthe world acquit me, if I do marry? And what is that injury which achurch-rite will not at any time repair? Is not the catastrophe of everystory that ends in wedlock accounted happy, be the difficulties in theprogress of it ever so great.
But here, how am I engrossed by this lady, while poor Lord M. as Simontells me, lies groaning in the most dreadful agonies!--What must hesuffer!--Heaven relieve him!--I have a too compassionate heart. And sowould the dear creature have found, could I have thought that the worstof her sufferings is equal to the lightest of his. I mean as to fact;for as to that part of her's, which arises from extreme sensibility, Iknow nothing of that; and cannot therefore be answerable for it.