LETTER XXXVIII
MR. LOVELACE, TO MISS CLARISSA HARLOWE[SUPERSCRIBED TO MRS. LOVELACE.]M. HALL, SUNDAY NIGHT, JUNE 25.
MY DEAREST LOVE,
I cannot find words to express how much I am mortified at the return ofmy messenger without a line from you.
Thursday is so near, that I will send messenger after messenger everyfour hours, till I have a favourable answer; the one to meet the other,till its eve arrives, to know if I may venture to appear in your presencewith the hope of having my wishes answered on that day.
Your love, Madam, I neither expect, nor ask for; nor will, till my futurebehaviour gives you cause to think I deserve it. All I at presentpresume to wish is, to have it in my power to do you all the justice Ican now do you: and to your generosity will I leave it, to reward me, asI shall merit, with your affection.
At present, revolving my poor behaviour of Friday night before you, Ithink I should sooner choose to go to my last audit, unprepared for it asI am, than to appear in your presence, unless you give me some hope, thatI shall be received as your elected husband, rather than, (howeverdeserved,) as a detested criminal.
Let me, therefore, propose an expedient, in order to spare my ownconfusion; and to spare you the necessity for that soul-harrowingrecrimination, which I cannot stand, and which must be disagreeable toyourself--to name the church, and I will have every thing in readiness;so that our next interview will be, in a manner, at the very altar; andthen you will have the kind husband to forgive for the faults of theungrateful lover. If your resentment be still too high to write more,let it only be in your own dear hand, these words, St. Martin's church,Thursday--or these, St. Giles's church, Thursday; nor will I insist uponany inscription or subscription, or so much as the initials of your name.This shall be all the favour I will expect, till the dear hand itself isgiven to mine, in presence of that Being whom I invoke as a witness ofthe inviolable faith and honour of
Your adoringLOVELACE.