“Maybe.” I sat on the bed.
Nat ate in silence. I watched her take each bite. For some reason I found satisfaction in taking care of her.
“Done,” she announced, wiping her mouth with the napkin.
“Good girl.” I pushed the tray away. “Now, how about a rematch?”
“Rematch?”
“Last I remember…” I stretched out across her bed. “You cheated during our final round of Go Fish. I think I deserve a rematch, don’t you?”
“Fine,” she grumbled. “But I don’t know how I’m going to manage to eat candy after all that food.”
“I’ll be easy on you.” Yeah right. Hard. I would be so hard on her.
“Right, you and easy don’t really fit in the same sentence, Alec.”
My lips twitched with a smile. “My place or yours?”
“Your place doesn’t have crazy people coming in and out all hours of the night to talk about their feelings with my mom, so I choose yours.”
I nodded and bounced off the bed. “You know just because they’re seeking help from your mom doesn’t make them crazy.”
“I know. Otherwise I’d be putting you and your brother in that very same boat.” If she only knew how far the crazy went.
“I thought we were captains of the crazy boat. My mistake.” I opened the bedroom door and led her down the creaking stairs.
“Why do you see her?”
I paused, my entire body tensing. How the hell was I supposed to answer that question? Without telling her everything. “We’re just dealing with some stuff, that’s all. You’re mom’s good at what she does. She wouldn’t be one of the most renowned psychiatrists on the West Coast if she wasn’t.”
“Pardon? What did you just say?”
Didn’t she know how popular her own mother was? “Your mom, she comes very highly recommended.”
“By who?” She yelled.
“Everyone.” I shrugged. “Look, I thought you knew. Your mom’s like a genius, she’s written articles on grief, loss, depression, and addiction. I mean — I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s gotten offers to start her own rehab facility.”
“Oh.” Nat’s lower lip trembled as she slowly fell to a sitting position on the stairs and started crying. What did I say?
“Nat, don’t cry. I’m so sorry.” I pulled Nat into my arms “Let’s go to my house, okay? I’ll make you hot chocolate and even let you win.”
I rubbed her arms so she’d calm down,
“I just don’t get how I don’t even know my own family. I mean, am I that invisible?”
I tensed, my hands moving to her face. “Nat, look at me.”
Her lower lip quivered as she locked eyes with me.
“You are anything but invisible. You are a treasure. I know your mom knows that. She loves you. Sometimes parents just suck at connecting with their kids.”
“She sucks big time.”
I laughed and kissed her cheek. “Yes, she does, but communication works both ways. Have you ever even asked her about work?”
Nat shifted uncomfortably. “No, but…”
“Sorry to say, but that’s how relationships work. One of you has to take the first step.”
She sighed and nodded her head.
“Wait here.” I went in and explained to Mrs. Murray that Nat and I were going to hang out, after she came out to make sure Nat actually wanted to hang out with me without Demetri around, she let us leave.
The office door closed behind Mrs. Murray, Nat’s mouth dropped open in shock. “Did you just ask my mom if we could have a sleepover?”
“Of course not.” I laughed.
Her shoulders slumped in relief.
“I asked her if you could come play at my house and if you were really good, could you stay the night in my bed.”
“You’ve got to be kidding me.”
I threw my head back and laughed. “Only slightly. I did tell her we were going to hang out and not to wait up for you.”
“Oh.” So, that made her blush? Interesting.
“But if you want to spend the night, I wouldn’t be opposed to it.”
Nat’s head jerked to attention as she stared me down as if enamored of the idea. Shit, make it better!
“You can have Demetri’s room. He’d love nothing more than to come home and have your scent all over his sheets.”
“Right.” Nat’s eyebrows furrowed as she bit her lip and looked down at the floor. “So, Go Fish?”
“Absolutely.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
Alec
“NAT? DID YOU hear me?” I stepped in front of her bracing her shoulders with my hands. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
“Fine.” She offered a smile that I’m sure she thought would convince me that she was totally fine. She was anything but fine, but hey if she didn’t want to talk about it, I wasn’t going to force her. I was the last person who should judge something like wanting to keep your secrets and emotions to yourself.
“So, what were you saying about letting me win?” she asked once the cards were dealt.
I cursed. “I thought you’d forget.”
“You thought wrong.”
Grinning, I slammed down my first card. “Do you really want to win that way, Nat? Where I suck on purpose so you feel better about yourself?”
She tilted her head in thought. “Yes. Yes I do.”
“How did I know you were going to say that?” I grumbled and poured the fish onto the table. “Why don’t I just eat two handfuls and then we can play like normal human beings?”
“Only if you intend on allowing me to lick them and put them on your face. There are rules you know and a promise is a promise.”
Nat burst out laughing and my expression.
“Fifteen Fish.”
“Twenty.”
“Seventeen and not a fish more!”
She sighed. “Deal.” Why did I have the sudden feeling she would have settled for ten?
Begrudgingly I picked up one fish and lightly licked it.
“Oh, no, no, no, I don’t believe that’s how the game’s played.” Without hesitation Nat plopped down next to me, stuffed a fish into her mouth, and then very carefully placed it on my cheek, her fingers basically branding me in the process for as hot as it made my skin.
Breathing suddenly became a huge chore. Nat’s eyes locked with mine
The fish fell off of my cheek.
And just like that the spell was broken.
Instantly, I regretted that she’d moved to my side of the couch. Her presence was intoxicating. It made me think things. It made me want things I shouldn’t want — want things I had no right to want. We reached for the next Swedish fish at the same time. Great.
“Maybe a game isn’t the best idea?” I blurted.
Nat quickly nodded.
“TV?”
“Sure!” She tucked her knees underneath her and waited for me to find something to watch.
The minute I flipped channels it landed on Entertainment News. And of course, Demetri’s perfect face was plastered all over the place as the host gushed about his current work with underprivileged kids. He waved at photographers as he wandered into his hotel. Demetri looked happy — he looked free.
“He looks happy,” Nat said basically reading my mind.
“Happiest I’ve seen him in a while,” I said quietly.
The TV flashed pictures of me and then of me and my brother on tour. I shifted uncomfortably because that was the last concert we’d done. The one where I’d given my brother an ultimatum. Then Nat’s picture was thrown onto the screen and of course they had to discuss the fact that Nat wasn’t just close to Demetri but me as well. Right, like we rocked that way and shared her every other night.
Guilt attacked every fiber of my being, because it was too close to the truth. We were sharing her — in a way she was both of ours. I had as much ownership over her as he did.
A commercial popped on the screen. I needed to go to bed
. I was exhausted and the last thing I needed was yet another excuse to attack my brother’s girlfriend.
“It’s late.”
“I know.”
“We should go to bed,” I said softly.
Nat’s mouth dropped open.
Crap. “Separately.”
“Right.” She got to her feet and waited while I turned off the TV as well as the rest of the lights. Once the last light downstairs was extinguished, my heart took off like a jackhammer
“Alec?” Nat called to me in the dark. Damn it, I really should have thought that through. Darkness made me think things were okay that were so not okay in the daytime, in the light.
“I’m here,” I said from behind her, my hand moving to the small of her back as I led her up the stairs. She tripped on the last one. “You okay?”
She mumbled a ‘yes.’
We walked in silence down the hall, I pushed open the door to Demetri’s room and flicked on the light. “So…” Everything was in khaki and white. My brother may be addicted to illegal substances but he was seriously the cleanest guy I knew. He liked bland colors for his room; said excitement made it so he coudln’t calm down and sleep. Sometimes I wondered if he needed bland in his life because he was so ADD all the time.
“Wow.” Nat’s gaze roamed around the room.
“Creepy, I know,” I said behind her. “He’s weird about keeping his room clean and clutter free, says it messes with his music if he has clutter in his life.”
“Sounds like him.” She smiled happily. Was I imagining things or did she genuinely look like she missed him? My heart skipped a beat then took off again.
“So” — I clapped my hands together as if I was a freaking tour guide — “The bathroom’s right through there, and the sheets are clean. I’ll see you in the morning, okay?”
“Okay.”
I nodded and started walking out of the room.
Nat called after me, “Alec, thanks for letting me stay and for…” She sighed. “For saying I’m important.”
“No problem.” I knew my smile was sad, but I couldn’t help it. I slowly closed the door and walked across the hall to my room.
It wasn’t the thunder that woke me up — nope instead it was Nat’s yelling across the hall. At first I thought I’d left the TV on or something but it was her voice. Cursing, I ran as fast as I could to Demetri’s room and threw open the door. Nat was thrashing in her bed.
“No! No!”
“Nat! Nat, wake up, Sweet. Wake up.” I tenderly took her into my arms and rocked her gently. “It was just a dream.”
Her entire body shook as I pulled her into my lap. She buried her head in my chest.
“Nat? Talk to me, Nat.” My voice was shaky to say the least.
She trembled. “It was so real.”
“Do you want to talk about it?” I caressed her head, keeping it firmly tucked under my chin.
“No.” Her body convulsed.
“Come on.” I lifted her into my arms, laying her cheek against my bare chest. Using my foot, I closed the door to Demetri’s room and walked back into mine.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“Relax.” I whispered, placing her on my bed. Carefully, I pulled back the covers and tucked her in. She looked exhausted. I kissed her forehead and got in next to her. “Sleep, Nat.”
She shivered like she was cold. Well hell. I could handle this. I could control myself. “Come here,” I draped an arm around her and tucked her into the curve of my body.
Nat tensed. Did she think I was that guy? That I would use her fear to put a move on her?
“Nat, I’m exhausted and most of all I’m a good guy. Close your eyes, and stop worrying. Demetri would understand.”
“Okay.” She sagged against me in relief, within minutes her breathing was slow and even.
I however — didn’t’ sleep a wink. And it had everything to do with the fact that her entire body fit perfectly against mine, and I had no clue, no idea, if I’d ever experience that type of perfection again.
Finally, around four am, I succumb to exhaustion. The morning sunlight woke me up first, and then it was Nat moving beneath me that got my attention. I kept my eyes closed, amused that she had somehow gotten herself so tangled in both my legs and the sheets.
She gave another grunt as she tried to pull her legs out from underneath mine. Finding it hilarious, I tightened my hold on her body. Nat sighed in frustration and tried again, then stilled.
Was she staring at me?
“Stop inspecting me, it’s creepy,” I said in a hoarse voice. “Did I mention I haven’t slept that good in years?” Granted, it took me a while to get there but once I was asleep. It was like I’d been given a sedative.
“I’m the best bed partner ever.” Nat joked trying to nudge me, instead, her nudge made it so she fell back against me — forcefully pushing our bodies together in a way that really, really, mimicked all things sexual.
I closed my eyes and cursed. When I opened them again, it was to tell her that this thing, whatever we had, couldn’t ever be real. It had to end. It was too hard being close to her. Holy shit I was going to officially de-friend a person.
“Nat, we should, um, go for a run.” Yeah. That’s what I went with.
“Okay.”
Neither of us moved.
Her breathing picked up speed as she lowered her gaze to my lips.
She didn’t stop me. Not when I leaned closer to her, not when my head descended, not when my hands curled around hers pressing her softly against the mattress and not when my mouth found her lips — and lost all control. Nat reached around my head and pulled me tighter against her. I wanted to grind my hips against her — I wanted to take every inch of clothing she had on and rip it to shreds starting with that damn t-shirt that was Demetri’s.
Shit. Demetri.
Nat’s tongue met mine.
With a groan, I pinned her hands harder against the bed, and threw my other leg over her body straddling her so completely that I could feel every inch of her.
My tongue pushed deeper into her mouth, tasting, exploring. Her body arched up to meet mine as I tried to retreat. There was no way out of it. I wasn’t in control of anything anymore — her tongue retreated briefly as she gasped for air, our mouths falling apart for mere seconds before I took her lips captive over and over again, bruising them, forcing them to desire me — instead of him.
Finally, somehow, I gained control. Maybe it was there all the time and I’d just been choosing to ignore it. I sucked her lower lip, allowing myself one last taste, and pulled away. “I’m sorry, Nat.”
Every muscle flexed in my body. Not kissing her was almost as bad as kissing her because now I could see her. I could see her perfect little body beneath mine, her hair splashed across the white pillows.
“Why are you always apologizing after kissing me?” she asked, slowly moving to sit up.
I laughed bitterly. “Because I shouldn’t be kissing you, Nat.”
“But I thought you liked me.”
“Liked you?” I roared causing her to scurry back against the headboard. “I don’t just like you, Nat. But it doesn’t matter.”
“Why?”
“He loves you, Nat.”
“I…” Her eyes darted from my face down to her feet “I care for Demetri, you know I do.”
I swallowed and looked away. I didn’t know how to find the right words. Would normal words even work in this situation? How could I describe to her how I felt? Without betraying my brother? Without hurting her in the process?
“I just care about you too,” she whispered.
“Damn it! Do you have any idea how screwed up this is, Nat?” Her shoulders slumped in defeat as she nodded her head.
“It won’t happen again.” I swore. “I promised him it wouldn’t happen again.”
“What do you mean? Why are you so cryptic?”
I bit my lower lip and then let out a long sigh. “I would lose much more tha
n your friendship if I answered that question, and regardless of my actions around you, I still truly desire to be your friend.”
“Can you? With this between us?” Her eyes were hopeful.
I was quiet for a few minutes. It felt like hours when I finally found my voice. “I have to.”
“So that’s that?” she snapped.
I stood and turned to face Nat. “Yes. End of discussion.”
She glared and threw back the covers to the bed. “Fine, let’s go for a run.”
“Nat.” I reached out and grabbed her hand. “Please don’t be mad. I don’t think I could handle it if I knew you were mad. I know you don’t get it, but we’re messed up, both of us. My brother and I. You’re the only one that’s been able to bring him out of it. He needs you.”
“More than you do?” she whispered looking down at the floor.
I cursed. “No.”
Her head jerked up.
“I just know at what cost it would be to have you, and it’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make.” I finished.
Tears pooled in her eyes as she nodded and wiped a few stray ones that had slipped down her cheeks away.
“Don’t cry.” I moved behind her and pulled her body against mine. I hated her tears. Hated that I was the reason she was crying — again. “I promise this is for the best. He can make you so happy, Nat. He deserves to be happy. You love him, I know you do.”
She nodded, and without turning around said softly. “I love you, too.”
I love you too? I LOVE YOU TOO?
How was it possible to be so happy yet so defeated at the same time? I opened my mouth to speak as I clenched her tighter. Two heartbeats, maybe three, possibly four — that’s all it took for me to change our paths — our destiny forever.
“I love you too.” My lips grazed her ear and as the words fell from my mouth I knew — I would never love another — the way I loved Nat Murray and even if she was with Demetri for the rest of her life — I would live every day still loving her — Forever.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
Demetri
BLAH-BLAH-BLAH. Holy crap, slap me in the face. If Angelica didn’t stop talking soon I was seriously going to take a dive off the edge of this building. I was drinking water like it was going out of style and trying super hard to appear interested.