“Did we all die?” I ask, horrified that a version of heaven or hell might just be more of the same crap that I left behind.
The Josh guy smiles and shakes his head. “No. We’re alive. I had to play it like I died,” he says. “I needed to disappear, and what better way to do it than to make everybody think I’m dead?”
This is so messed up. I want it to be true and I don’t at the same time. But I sure don’t want to be stuck in some endless purgatory of this bullshit.
“Everybody?” I say.
He nods. “I was going to tell you and a couple of others, but I had some business to finish first.”
“How’s that possible? I saw your body. You bled out.”
“It’s complicated,” Josh says. “But right now I need you to either leave, or stay out of my way.”
“Because you’re going to kill Nanuq? I want a piece of him, too.”
“No,” he says. “I’m just talking to him. I’m hoping to avoid anyone else having to die.”
J-Dog’s stopped struggling in my arms so I let him go. I half expect him to take a run at Josh, but I guess he’s finally beginning to realize that he’s in way over his head. He does the smart thing and follows my lead.
But I’m not feeling smart.
“Don’t be stupid,” I tell Josh. “Guys like that—you let them go—they just come back meaner and harder.”
“Not if he gives me his word, he won’t.” And with that he turns his back on us and walks back to the fire.
I turn to Cory. “What kind of crap was that?”
“When are you going to get it through your head?” Cory says. “We don’t break our word. It’s like currency.”
“Yeah?” J-Dog says. “And how do you spend it?”
Cory doesn’t bother to answer. He just heads after Josh. After a moment, J-Dog and I follow along behind.
I was keeping tabs on what was going on in the camp behind me while dealing with Chaingang and his brother, so I’m not surprised to see that most of the other cousins have grabbed the opportunity to take off. I am surprised that Nanuq is still standing there by the fire waiting for me. I half expected he would have beat a retreat while he could—to save face, if nothing else, so that he could come back at me another day, just like Chaingang said.
But there he is. Maybe he knows I’d find him wherever he went.
His features are schooled into a bland mask, though he can’t quite hide the dark anger in his eyes. The only thing new is that he’s taken the time to repair the damage I did to him because he’s got both hands back.
“I’m not frightened of you, unborn,” he says when I reach him.
“I don’t really care. But this ends here. It’s your choice how it goes.”
He frowns. “You’re very sure of yourself.”
When I don’t bother responding, he nods at the trio behind me.
“Why did you stop them from killing me?” he asks. “They would have solved all your problems.”
“I don’t have a problem,” I tell him. “You do. You’ve had time to think about it. I’m sure you heard what I was saying to my friends.”
He nods. “So you want me to stop protecting my homeland.”
“Don’t play stupid because I know you’re not. I already told you. I want you to continue doing that. I think it’s important, too. Just no more killing or intimidating innocent people.”
“Or you’ll kill me—like you did the condor brothers.”
“I returned them to the earth,” I tell him, “which I’ll admit is pretty much the same thing. Don’t make me do it to you.”
He studies me for a long moment.
“After everything that’s happened,” he says, “you’re prepared to simply forgive and forget?”
“That’s never going to happen,” I tell him. “But follow the one simple rule I’ve given you, and I’m prepared to let you live and go on your way.”
He looks steadily at me for a long moment and I can’t tell whether it’s curiosity or respect in his eyes.
“It seems I’ve underestimated you,” he says.
“Just tell me. Do I have your word that you’ll stop targeting and hurting Wildlings—those that you mistakenly call unborn— and give them a fair chance to prove themselves among the cousins?”
We stand there for a long time. He holds my gaze, but I’m not interested in playing a staring game.
“Last chance,” I tell him.
He gives me a slow nod. “You have my word,” he says.
Then he steps away into another world. I track him with the maps in my head, dropping my focus on him as he keeps moving farther and farther away. A mountain of tension that I didn’t realize I was holding melts away.
I turn to face Cory, Chaingang and his brother. The latter two still look sort of pissed off with me, but Cory’s got that same respect in his eyes that Tío Goyo had.
“You’ve become what you said you didn’t want to be,” he says.
I shake my head. “No, I’m not anybody’s puppet, or leader, or poster boy—now or ever. They’ll have to find someone else because I’m going away.”
“Where to?”
“Diego Madera has accepted me as part of his clan. I’m going to stay with him for a while.”
Cory’s brows go up in surprise. “Are you serious?”
“Pretty much.”
“And that’s a big deal because?” Chaingang asks.
“Old Man Puma’s been around forever,” Cory tells him.
“Longer than anybody I know. He’s been here since before.”
“Before what?”
Cory waves his hand. “Before there was anything. They say he was one of the spirits that lived in the darkness and watched as Raven brought the world into being—like the crow girls, or my own ancestor, Coyote.”
He turns back to me and a slow smile spreads across his face. “Being with him is exactly what you need.”
“So you’re just going to walk away and leave everything behind?” Chaingang says.
“Not everything.”
I see something flash in his eyes and I know he’s thinking about Marina, just as I am. But all he says is, “I thought you wanted to be a normal kid—to put all this behind you.”
“And how’s that going to happen if I go back?” I ask. “The Feds will be all over me, and even if they do leave me alone, I’ll still have to deal with everybody at school looking at me like I’m some kind of freak.”
“Man,” J-Dog says. “If I could do what you do, I wouldn’t even think about any lame-ass school or the Feds. I’d be living high on the hog—I mean, who’s going to stop a guy like you from taking whatever he wants?”
Chaingang sighs. “Not now, bro.”
“What? I’m just saying.”
Chaingang turns back to me. “So what are you supposed to learn from hanging with this new dude you found? How do you know he hasn’t got some angle?”
“I’m sure he does. But I’ve got one, too, so it doesn’t matter. I need to understand what I am and figure out my place in the world. I figure someone like Madera—who’s been alive since the world started and managed to make it work for him—can teach me something about what I need to know.”
“Oh, come on,” Chaingang says. “You don’t buy this crap about immortal animal people do you? Or that some old bird made the world?”
J-Dog snickers, but I ignore him.
“Why not? How’s that any more impossible than what’s already happened to us?”
“Come on, bro. There are levels of believability. Just because one impossible thing is true, doesn’t mean everything is.”
J-Dog nods in agreement. “Word.”
“Neither of you met Madera,” I say. “I’m telling you, he’s the real deal.”
We fall silent then. J-Dog kicks at a stick in the fire, sending up a shower of sparks. Cory seems to have fallen into a meditative trance. And then there’s Chaingang and me, neither of us looking at each other, but both all too
aware of the betrayal that lies between us.
“Look,” I finally start. “About Marina—”
Chaingang cuts me off, raising a hand between us.
“Don’t,” he says. “Don’t even start.”
His eyes go darker than the night around us.
J-Dog looks up from the fire and Cory’s suddenly back from wherever he went in his head, both of them focused on what might happen next. Like suddenly Chaingang and I are planning to have a go at each other, never mind what a one-sided fight that would be.
I feel like crap. He’s always been straight with me—always “had my back,” as he likes to say. But what can I do? Yeah, I made the first move, but it was Marina’s choice in the end. I guess that’s what makes it hardest for him. It wasn’t just me, it was her, too.
“Okay,” I say. “Can you guys make your own way back home?”
“Are you serious, man?” J-Dog says.
“I meant with Cory,” I say.
Cory shakes his head. “I’d rather you took them back. With everything that’s been going on, I’m a little sick of being around people right now—no offence.”
People always say “no offence” when they mean the opposite.
“I get it,” I tell him.
“Not talking about you,” he says.
Then he steps away into some otherworld, leaving me alone with the Washington brothers. I glance at Chaingang, but his face is a mask and I can’t read him.
“Fuckin’ dude was dissing us again,” J-Dog says.
“Uh-huh,” Chaingang says. He looks exhausted. “Let’s go, bro. I know how he feels. I’m sick of this place. I just want to go home.”
I nod. I reach out to put a hand on their shoulders. J-Dog shies back.
“Relax,” Chaingang tells him. “Josh is our friend. He won’t hurt us.” There’s a flash in his eyes that says, “Not any more than he already has.”
I reach out again. With a hand on either of their shoulders, I step us all back to So-Cal.
We go see my sister in her bedroom before facing the parents. Molly’s eyes widen in surprise.
“You’re the girl I saw in Des’s bed,” she says. “I knew I saw a girl.” Then she frowns. “But then you turned into a cat, except that’s not possible, right?”
“I’m sorry,” I tell her. “We were just trying to avoid getting me into trouble with Mom. But it wasn’t right to make you feel like you were crazy.”
“You’re in trouble now. Big trouble.”
“I know. That’s why I’m here, Molly-o. I’m going away for a while and I wanted to say goodbye.”
She looks at me, waiting for the joke that always comes when I tease her.
“For real?” she finally asks when she realizes that I’m serious.
I nod.
“With her?”
“Yeah. Her name’s Donalita.”
Donalita lifts a hand. “Hey, dudette,” she says.
Molly’s eyes start to fill.
“You love her more than you love me,” she says, half question, half saying it just the way she thinks it is.
“It’s two different things,” I tell her.
Especially since it’s still too early to say where this thing with Donalita is going.
“Why can’t you love me like you do her?” Molly asks. “Because that would be creepy. You’re my sister, short-
stuff.”
The tears are rolling down her cheeks now. “Why does it have to be different? Why do you even have to go?”
I reach down and wipe them aside with my thumb. “Mom and Dad are going to send me away anyway. This way, I leave on my own terms.”
She pulls away and shakes her head. “Dad’ll never let you out of the house.”
“We’ll see.” I go down on one knee. “Come here. Give me a hug. I’ll be back to see you whenever I can.”
She wraps her arms around me, holding me hard and fierce, like if she puts enough into it, she can make me stay. I hug her back, my heart breaking, and feel a sudden anger at my dad for putting me in this position.
Finally I let go and stand up. I take Donalita’s hand and we walk into the kitchen, Molly tagging along behind us like a mournful little puppy. Mom’s eyes widen when she sees Donalita. Dad’s face reddens.
“I thought we told you to go to your room,” he says. “And who’s this … this girl?”
“I just came to say goodbye,” I tell them.
Mom looks like she’s about to burst into tears.
“You’re not going anywhere except where I decide, and when,” Dad says.
I shake my head. “Yeah, not going to happen.”
He stands up and blocks the doorway to the front hall.
“You are not leaving this house.”
“Except for when you send me off to military school? So I can be a good little soldier boy, just like you? That’s never going to happen.”
He glares at me. “What have I told you about mouthing off?”
“Who knows? I stopped listening to your lectures years ago.”
His face gets even redder and that big vein pops out on his forehead, larger than ever. I’ve never seen him this angry.
“Get back to your room right now. And you,” he says, eyeing Donalita and pointing toward the front door. “Get out and don’t come back.”
He’s still a big guy. Stronger than me, for sure. But this time he’s not getting his way.
“Uh-uh. That’s my girlfriend you’re dissing,” I tell him. “Bye, Mom. I’ll try to keep in touch.”
Then I nod to Donalita and she steps us away into the otherworld. I have time to see Mom’s stricken face, Molly running toward us calling my name.
Then it all goes away.
I have to sit down on the sand after we cross over. It’s so weird. You can tell this is the same landmass we just left, but there’s not a trace of Santa Feliz. There’s just the wild beach and the ocean. The only light is from the moon gleaming on the sand and the water.
Donalita crouches beside me and puts her arms around me.
“That was harder than I thought it would be,” I say.
“He wasn’t being mean,” Donalita says. “I could see it behind his anger. He just wants what he thinks is best for you.”
“That’s the whole problem,” I tell her. “I know he cares about me, but he’s a control freak. In his head, he’s always right. He knows best—it doesn’t matter what I think. He’s never had any respect for me. If it wasn’t for Mom, I’d already be in that military academy. I’d never be a skateboarder or a musician or anything that I want to be.”
“Is he still in the army?”
I shake my head. “Mom got tired of all his overseas deployments. She told him he’d done his bit and it was time for us to settle down in one place. That was years ago. I hardly remember the bases we lived on when I was a little kid. This is what I remember.” I wave my hand around. “Well, the this that’s back in the world we just left.”
“I can take you back,” she says.
“No, I made my choice. I just don’t know what I’m going to do now.”
“Me neither, dude.” Then she jumps to her feet. “But I’m hungry. Let’s go catch a fish.”
“Sure,” I say. “Why not?”
She doesn’t wait for me, but goes running toward the ocean at full Wildling speed. She’s probably going to catch it with her bare hands.
My heart lifts a little as I watch her run. I guess this is what attracted Josh to Elzie. She’s so full of optimism and the sheer exuberance of being alive.
Elzie.
Josh.
I look up at the night sky.
“Dude,” I say. “Why’d you have to go and die?”
Then I follow Donalita at my own slower pace.
The first thing I do after dropping off the Washington brothers at the Ocean Avers compound is head for home. I arrive in my own neighbourhood in spirit form and make a slow spiral over the blocks of houses until I finally reach my hou
se. If anybody was outside looking up, they’d see a hawk drifting in an evertightening circle, but the maps in my head tell me that there’s nobody watching. No FBI. No snipers from ValentiCorp’s goon squad. No cousins wanting to either kill me or praise me. They all think I’m dead.
I float above the house for a long moment. It’s been— what—a couple of days? But everything already feels unfamiliar. This place, my old life—it’s like they belong to a stranger. I can’t really connect to any of it.
Except for Mom.
It breaks my heart when I slip inside and find her on the couch, pulled tightly in a fetal position, enveloped in sorrow. Her breathing is ragged, but she doesn’t seem to have any more tears left in her.
Crap. How could I have put her through this?
“Mom?” I say.
She goes still, but she doesn’t turn to where I’m standing in front of the couch. Her face stays pressed against cushions.
I reach out and touch her shoulder.
“Mom?” I repeat.
She turns her face. Slowly. Then she sees me. Her bloodshot eyes go wide, wide. She jumps over the back of the couch and scrambles away from me until her back touches the wall.
“It’s okay.” I speak in a soothing tone, like you would to a wild animal that’s about to bolt.
“J-Josh? Is it really you?”
“Yeah, Mom.”
I don’t know what she thought she was seeing. A ghost. A hallucination. But the freak-out ends as suddenly as it began.
“Thank you, God,” she says as she pushes away from the wall. She walks tentatively around the couch toward me, then reaches out and grabs me tight, holding on like she’s never going to let me go. If I didn’t have a Wildling’s resilience, I think she might crush a few ribs.
“I’ve been so scared and lost,” she murmurs. “First I saw it on the TV, and then Agent Matteson came by, and then Des …” She puts me at arm’s length and studies my face. “How can you be alive? Agent Matteson said I shouldn’t look at your body … that they identified it. He thought it would be better for me to remember you as you were before the shooting. But nothing made it better, except for seeing you now.”
She lets me ease her back onto the couch where we both sit, but she keeps a tight grip on my arm.