“I know,” I say. “I would have come to tell you right away, but it took me a while to recover from what I had to do.”
“What did you do?”
“You were right, you know,” I say instead of answering.
“About what?”
“That I have to go away. Everybody wants a piece of me and they’re not above coming after my friends and family. If I disappear, if they keep thinking I’m dead, nobody’s going to come looking for me anymore.”
“But where would you go?”
“Into the otherworld. I’ve got a safe place to stay and I’ll keep in touch with you.”
Her chest does this little hitch and her eyes get all shiny. She touches my face, fingers trembling. “But I only just got you back.”
“I know, Mom. I don’t want to go. But I don’t have another choice.”
She puts her forehead on my shoulder. “How long do we have?” she asks. “When do you have to go?”
“Right now. I’m just going to let Des and Marina know that I’m still alive, and then I’ll go.”
“I hate this. I don’t know if I’m strong enough.”
“I love you, Mom, and I hate this, too. But one thing I know for sure is that you’re really strong. You’re amazing.”
She raises her head and looks into my eyes. “I could not be more proud of you, honey. I can only let you go because I love you so much.”
I pull her in for another hug, and say quietly, “Thanks, Mom. You know, for this to work, you can’t tell anybody.”
She leans away, takes my hands and looks at me. “Not even your grandparents?”
My heart aches, thinking about them. How they’ve always been there for the two of us—never judging, always solid, quiet and discreet. I know where my mom gets her character. Maybe it will be okay.
“Can you make them understand?” I say. “It’s so important that they keep it to themselves. That dog that tried to attack you? If word gets out that I’m alive, something worse could come after you. And anybody around you at the time would be in danger, too. Maybe even Grandma and Grandpa.”
I’m laying it on thick, but I have to. She has to understand— just as Des and Marina will—that they can’t tell anybody. Not ever.
“I’ll explain it to them,” she says. “They’re on their way here. I can’t lie and let them keep suffering the same torture that I’ve just been through.”
“I get that. It’s okay. Tell them thanks for keeping my secret … and I love them.”
I gently pry her hands from mine and stand up.
“It’s hard to let you go,” she says, standing as well. “You’re still my little boy.”
“And I always will be,” I tell her. “I love you, Mom.”
She enfolds me in another hug. I squeeze her back, allowing myself to relax for just one moment more. I pretend that I’m not going away, that my whole life isn’t going to be so different from now on. That my mom is going to be okay.
Then I pull back.
“You can’t be touching me when I do this,” I tell her.
“Do what?”
“It’s going to look like I’m disappearing. Bye, Mom. I love you. I’ll be in touch when I can.”
She reaches for me, but lets her hands fall just short.
“And I love you, honey.”
Then I step away into the otherworld.
I stand there for a long moment, feeling more alone than ever. I still have to go through this again with my two best friends and it’s not going to get any easier.
I call up my maps and find Marina on them.
“Huh,” I say when I realize where she is.
Now I’m going to have to wait until she’s alone.
I have second—and then third and fourth—thoughts about leaving when Ampora finally comes out the back door with the girls in tow. Ria and Suelo are heavy-eyed and a little confused to see me standing in their backyard at this time of the night. Lupe is still close, hidden in the shadows. But all eyes are on me and my sisters never notice her.
I look at those two sleepy faces. They let go of Ampora’s hands and run to me, and my resolve falters even more. I go down on one knee and draw them close.
“What are you doing here so late?” Ria asks, her breath tickling my ear with the question.
Suelo nods. “Papá will be mad—but we won’t tell.”
I lean back so that I can look at them.
“I have to go away for a little while,” I tell them. “But I couldn’t go without …”
My voice falters. Of all my family, Ria and Suelo are the ones who would most accept me for being what I am. They’re already fascinated by Wildlings, they devour the Animorphs books. But Ampora’s here, too, and I don’t want to take away the look of her disgust when I leave. I want to remember the girls, as they are right now, not upset because Ampora and I are fighting again. And we will fight when she finds out because I’m not going to let her get away with the things she’s going to say.
“I just wanted to tell you how much I love you,” I say to the girls. “No matter what you might hear about me, that’s always going to be true.”
“Are you never coming back?” Suelo asks.
“Of course I am. It just might not be for a while.”
“I don’t want you to go away,” Ria says, a whine creeping into her voice.
Suelo’s eyes fill and she nods in agreement.
“I don’t want to go,” I tell them. “But when you get older, sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to do. But I promise you I’ll come back to see you when I can.”
Ria frowns. “But why do you have to—”
“You should go back to bed,” I say. “Both of you. But first give me a kiss.”
They’re such good girls. They don’t want to go. They want to know more. But each of them gives me a hug and a kiss, and then they go back up the stairs to the door.
“Go on back to bed,” Ampora tells them. “I’ll be right in.”
She waits until they’re gone before she turns back to me.
“He was never coming back to see me, was he?” she says.
I don’t have to ask who she’s talking about, not when she adds, “I mean, if he hadn’t died.”
“I don’t know,” I tell her.
She looks past me into the darkness. “I don’t even know why I was flirting with him. Especially once I knew what he was.” She sticks out her tongue like she’s gagging, and that’s enough to press my button.
“Pheromones.”
“What?”
I explain. “He didn’t even know he was giving them off.”
“That’s so sick.” She shakes her head. “They are such freaks.”
I hear Lupe growl in the shadows, but it’s too low for Ampora to hear. I know just how Lupe feels.
“Do you know why the parents are having this big powwow about me?”
She shrugs. “I figure they found out that you’ve been the arm candy of one of those Ocean Aver jerks.”
I feel like hitting her. It has nothing to do with my being a Wildling and how I’ve gotten more aggressive lately. I always feel like hitting her. But I refuse to play her hating game.
“That must be it,” I say. “See ya ’round, hermana.”
I start to go, but turn back to look over my shoulder when she calls after me.
“Don’t worry,” I tell her. “I won’t be back to cramp your style anymore.”
“That’s not what I was going to say.”
I wait.
“I was just going to say be careful,” she tells me.
Like she cares. But I nod.
“I will. You too.”
I head off again. I hear a sharp intake of air from Ampora when Lupe drifts out of the shadows to fall in step beside me.
“That was hard,” I say when we’ve put a few yards between ourselves and the house.
She drapes an arm across my shoulders. “Cutting ties always is.”
“I don’t even
know if I’m doing the right thing,” I say. “With Josh dead and leaving everything I know behind me …”
“I’m taking you to a good place,” she says. “We’ve got a squat at the end of South Shore Drive. It’s safe. The cops never come to roust us and the Kings leave us alone. You’ll have time to figure things out.”
“What do you do there?”
She smiles. “Whatever we want. We’ve got a few artists, a bunch of musicians, and everybody skateboards.”
I perk up a little at the idea of the music. I wonder if there’s any way to get my drums from Des’s garage.
“What kind of stuff do they play?” I ask.
But before Lupe can answer, she stops dead in her tracks, pulling me to a halt beside her.
“Mother of God,” she says, her voice a hoarse whisper.
I stare at the figure standing there under a street light.
“I don’t believe in ghosts,” Lupe says.
I realize she’s not talking to me. It’s more that she’s trying to convince herself. I don’t believe in ghosts, either, but I’m seeing one right now.
And if this is all I get, I’ll take it.
I realize after a while that I’m not going to be able to talk to Marina on her own. I float in slow circles high above the house, hanging in until she finishes up with her sister and finally leaves with Lupe. Then I make contact.
I pull my body up out of the ground under a street light half a block from where they’re walking and wait for them to come to me.
They both notice me at the same time and stop in unison.
They’re slow to approach.
I want to sweep Marina up in my arms, but there’s a look in her eyes that makes me hold back.
“Hey,” I say.
She reaches with a tentative hand to stroke my cheek. “You’re real?” she says. “You’re not a ghost?”
“Yeah, I—”
She hauls off and shoves me hard in the chest before I can finish. I’m not expecting it and I stagger back.
“How could you?” she yells, closing the distance to go after me again. “How could you make us all think you were dead?”
I grab her hands before she can give me another shove.
“Yeah, not cool,” Lupe says.
“It’s not like you think,” I say. “I mean, it is, but I didn’t think it’d take so much out of me. It took me hours to recover.”
“Recover from what?”
“From making it look like I’d been killed.”
“Why would you even do something like that?”
She struggles to push me again, then aims a kick at my shins when she can’t get her hands free. I dodge the kick.
“Would you listen to me?” I say before she can try again. She glares at me for a long moment, then finally nods. I let her go, ready to grab her once more if she starts in on me, but she just folds her arms across her chest.
“So talk,” she says, her words clipped. Now her eyes are brimming with tears.
“I need the world to think I’m dead so that everybody will just leave me alone,” I say. “The cops, the cousins—everybody.”
I look pointedly at Lupe. “I know how you cousins gossip. Can I trust you to keep my secret so that everything can finally settle down? I just need to get away from all this.”
Lupe looks at Marina and then back to me. She nods and presses her palm to her chest. “As surely as the Thunders exist, your secret is safe with me, young lion.”
“Yeah, sure,” Marina says, her voice shaking. “I’ll be happy to leave you alone. Do you know how horrible it’s been for me?”
“It all happened so fast,” I tell them. “There wasn’t time to plan, much less let anybody in on what I was trying to do. I thought—if I was able to even pull it off—that I’d be able to come to you quicker, but it didn’t work out. I was literally passed out for hours.”
I go on to explain how I did it. Lupe takes it all in, wide-eyed. Marina just stares off into the distance. It’s weird. Her eyes are still brimming with tears, but she’s so mad that she’s shaking.
“I came as soon as I could,” I tell her.
“I’m the first you’ve let in on your stupid little secret?”
“No, I went to see my mom first.”
Her eyes soften a little then, and I see a single tear trickle down from the corner of her eye.
“How’d she take it?” she asks, absently wiping the tear away.
“Well, she was freaked, but she didn’t attack me.”
“Hey. You hurt me. Don’t look for an apology.”
“I’m not and I’m sorry. I’m just trying to explain.”
She nods. “So we’re the only ones who know? Lupe and me—and your mom?”
“And Chaingang and his brother. And Cory.”
“You went and told them first?”
“I wasn’t going to tell them at all, but I ran into them when I was dealing with Nanuq.”
Her face goes very still. “You killed him?”
“I—”
Her shoulders sag. “God, you’re as bad as the rest of them.
Why is killing the only—”
“Will you shut up and let me talk?”
I don’t quite mean it to come out with such vehemence and a little piece of me dies as I see her face close up again on me.
“I didn’t go to kill him,” I say, softening my tone. “And I didn’t have to kill him. I just explained what would happen if he continued to use other people the way he has been. I told him to give Wildlings a chance.”
“And he just agreed to that?” Lupe says.
“Eventually.”
I turn back to Marina. “Don’t you see? I had no choice. I had to make sure he didn’t start the whole thing over again. Do you think I wanted to leave? All I wanted was to be with you.”
She looks at me for a long moment and I can’t read her expression at all. Then she sighs. “I’m being a selfish bitch, aren’t I?” she finally says, and a glimmer of her old self reaches her eyes.
I smile. “Maybe a little.”
She hits me again, but lightly, like old times. An affectionate little slap on the shoulder without any force behind it.
“I was so freaked,” she says. “I thought you were dead. I saw your body.”
Lupe nods. “Yeah, they took it away.” She pauses and frowns. “Well, they took something away.”
“It was the worst thing I’ve ever been through,” Marina says.
“I know what it must have been like. I’m so sorry.”
Her eyes tell me I’m forgiven, so I step up and draw her close to my chest.
“I’m sorry about Elzie being the shooter,” she whispers. “That must’ve made it even worse.”
“To be honest, I didn’t even know that until after I came to. Tío Goyo told me.”
I kiss her ear. “Elzie means nothing to me. It’s you that I care about.”
“Don’t ever pull something like that again,” she murmurs.
“I won’t. But if mountain lions work like house cats, I do have another seven lives left.”
She thumps my back with her fist. “Don’t even joke about it.”
When we disengage she keeps hold of my hand.
“What are you guys doing out here in the middle of the night?” I ask.
I hear the story of how her evening went with her parents, and how she just said goodbye to her little sisters.
“That is so messed up,” I say when she’s done. I look from one to the other. “So what are you going to do?”
“Lupe’s letting me stay at her place for a while,” Marina says.
Lupe nods. “You’re welcome to tag along.”
I squeeze Marina’s hand. “Why don’t you come with me, instead?” I say.
“Where are you going?”
I tell them about Old Man Puma and his invitation. Lupe gets the same look that every cousin seems to get when I mention him.
“Are you serious?” she says.
/>
“Absolutely.”
“You actually met him?”
“He was there with Tío Goyo when I woke up.”
“He’s a big deal?” Marina asks.
“Well, yeah,” Lupe tells her. “How cool would it be to meet him?”
“But he invited you,” Marina says to me. “What’s he going to say if I come tagging along?”
“I don’t know. But if he doesn’t like it, we’ll just set up camp near his place. We’ll work something out.”
“I don’t know …”
“How can you even consider not going?” Lupe asks.
“I want you to come,” I tell Marina. “We’ve got so much lost time to catch up on.”
She ducks her head and blushes.
“Not like that,” I tell her. “Well, not only that.”
Lupe grins and gives her a little push on the shoulder.
“Okay,” Marina says. “We’ll go meet this Señor Madera and see what he has to say. I take it we’re leaving now?”
I nod. “I just want to drop by and see Des before we go.”
I call up my maps and place him.
“That’s funny,” I say. “He’s not at home. He’s in the otherworld with Donalita.”
Lupe gives me a considering look. “How do you know that?”
I tell her about the maps in my head.
Lupe looks at me with something like awe and I know it’s time to get out of here.
“Okay,” I say. “Let’s go see him.”
Marina’s still holding my hand. She reaches out to Lupe with her free one, but Lupe shakes her head.
“No, you go ahead,” she says. “Someone like Old Man Puma might be fine when you show up with your mate in tow, but he’s not going to want some scraggly barrio dog hanging around.”
“You’re no scraggly—” Marina begins.
“It’s cool. We’re still tight. Come see me when you’re in town.” She nods at me. “Your lion boy here will know how to find me—wherever I am.”
Marina lets go of my hand long enough to give her a hug and then I step us away to the otherworld beach where Des and Donalita are trying to start a fire.
Donalita looks up first, her eyes going wide. A moment later Des is on his feet and running toward us. Once again he grabs me in a big bear hug and wheels me around so that my feet are off the ground. When he sets me back down he holds my shoulders and stares right into my eyes.