He raised a brow.
"Hey, I've seen some of those women out there," I said. "They're stunning. And if they've been hanging around you night after night, then it seems unlikely that me with my beginner's baby bump and fat ankles suddenly lights up your life."
His tongue played behind his cheek and he said nothing. There was definitely laughter in his eyes, however.
"I'm just trying to be rational," I added.
"Problem is, rational doesn't come into it."
Hmm.
"Dicks don't have brains. It's why men get into trouble."
The man had a point. Dicks obviously didn't have emotions, either, the annoying things.
"The point I'm messing up here is, Liz, you're right. I was jealous. I want you. I'm not going to act on that because shit's complicated enough and we're working on being friends here. It's what's best for the baby."
"Right." What he said was no less than the truth. Still, my vagina went into a deep depression. My heart wasn't too happy about it, either.
"The business is hell on relationships--all the separations and everything. Couples don't last. Seen it time and time again. I don't want to put our kid through some messy split and neither do you."
"What?" I cocked my head. "You really mean that. But what about David and Ev?"
"Time'll tell."
My eyes were wide. "I think that's sad, Ben."
"Trust me, Liz. What's best for our kid right now is you and me working on having a long-term relationship we can both live with. That means us being friends and figuring out how to be parents together, right?"
"Right. I guess."
"I know I'm not the psychology student here, but I also think it would really help if you didn't get with any of my friends or people I work with. Ever. I think that would, ah, complicate things."
"Yes. Fair enough."
"And I won't hook up with any of your friends, either. Ever."
"Thanks."
He tipped his chin in acknowledgment.
"Wow, we're really going great, setting up the friendship boundaries," I said.
A smile.
"This should all work perfectly." Heartbreakingly so.
"I hope so," he said.
"Might be best if we didn't talk about your penis and sex between us again in the future, though. Maybe we should tone back the total honesty just a little."
He winced. "You're right. My bad. No need to confuse shit."
"No problem."
He held out his right hand to me, knuckles pink and large fingers calloused. "Friends?"
"You bet. Being friends will be great."
CHAPTER EIGHT
Being friends sucked.
All told, there were thirty-five stops on the tour--seventeen in this first leg, before we headed over to Europe, then back home again to tour the northern states. The band played a new city pretty much every second night without break. Ben had been right, though, everything that could be done for me was done. All I had to worry about was walking on and off private jets and gestating while room service catered to my every whim.
The routine went roughly like this: We arrived in a new place and settled into our hotel while fans screamed and fainted out front. Sometimes the guys got the rest of the day off, usually spending time with their significant others. Or, in Ben's case, jamming with the warm-up act, Down Fourth, and a case or two of beer.
Not to say that the guys didn't hang out together.
It seemed, though, that couples in their first year together spent the bulk of their time bonking. Noisily. Jim and Ben often hit the gym, and they'd all get together for an occasional early or late-night dinner. Since Mal still refused to talk to Ben outside of band business, however, those were difficult, to say the least.
The bulk of their time went toward publicity. TV shows, radio stations, news reporters--you name it, they talked to them. Then there'd be sound checks and rehearsals and meetings. Stage Dive might have toured the country a time or two, but the amount of the country they'd actually gotten to see was likely small. When it wasn't about the sexing, it seemed to be all business, all the time. Gave me plenty of opportunities to catch up on my reading and get a jump start on next year's classes, when I wasn't with Ben, trying to figure out how he and I could be friends. That the mere sight of him set off my horny hormonalness didn't help. The hours I spent amusing myself with my hand after one of our visits was plain sad. Pregnancy was crazy.
In Albuquerque we had a drink together one morning. Herbal tea for me and about a gallon of black coffee for him. Conversation was stilted, largely due to Ben having had only three hours' sleep.
No, I didn't ask for the exact details.
In Oklahoma we attempted lunch in his room. Problem was, an overly zealous fan managed to get onto the floor and handcuff himself to the emergency evacuation stairs door handle, opposite Ben's suite. Between his yelling and the fire alarm he managed to set off, lunch got canceled and the building was temporarily evacuated.
In Wichita we tried going for a walk, but then Ben nearly got mobbed and we had to make a run for it back to the hotel. He might not stick out back home in Portland, but in other cities, on Stage Dive-sighting alert, we weren't so lucky.
I hate to admit it, but by Atlanta I think we were both starting to give up. No plans were made. Plus I had the sniffles.
In Charlotte my cold decided to get more serious and a doctor was called in, doubtless at great expense. I could have told me to rest up and keep taking the prenatal vitamins for a whole lot less. My nose gleamed bright red and flowed like a river. It was beautiful. Anne was the only one permitted to come see me. No one else could afford to share in my germy state. Her having Mal stick his tongue in her mouth every chance he got didn't seem to matter. Adrian, the band's manager, immediately slapped a quarantine order on me. I wasn't permitted to stick my head outside my bedroom door, or else.
Asshole. As if I would.
Ben: U ok? Lena said you can't have visitors.
Lizzy: Fine. Just a cold.
Ben: Shitty. How bad? U c Dr?
Lizzy: Yes. Morning sickness & growing bean got me run down. Gotta drink more juice etc. Keep up the prenatal vitamins. Immune system is looking after her more than me apparently.
Ben: Ok. Need anything?
Lizzy: No thanks. Heard her heart again. Beating strong.
Ben: U can hear her heart already? Fuck. Amazing.
Lizzy: I know right?
Ben: Could be him.
Lizzy: Don't mess with mother's intuition.
Ben: Wouldn't dare.
Lizzy: I never realized there so many different types of juice. Thank you.
Ben: Think of anything u need tell me.
Lizzy: Will do. Thanks again.
Lizzy: Thanks for the flowers.
Ben: No problem. Feeling better?
Lizzy: Nope. All hail the Queen of Phlegm. They put me on antibiotics. Should be better soon.
Ben: Good. Can I get u anything?
Lizzy: No thanks. Have a good concert. Break a leg or whatever.
Ben: Take it easy. Rest.
Lizzy: Did Mal tell u I was staying here?
Ben: Ur not coming to Nashville?
Lizzy: No. They don't want me flying. Mal didn't tell u?
Ben: No.
Lizzy: Crap. Sorry.
Ben: Never mind. Ur still sick? How sick?
Lizzy: Nothing serious. They're just being careful. Plus u guys can't get sick.
Ben: Calling.
Lizzy: Losing voice. Hurts to speak.
Ben: Shit. U sure?
Ben: What did Dr say exactly?
Lizzy: It's common cold. Headaches & blocked nose. No high fevers which might b dangerous. All normal.
Ben: Mayb we should get 2nd opinion.
Lizzy: Don't worry. Anne will b w me. I'll be fine in a few days. C u in Memphis.
Ben: Keep me up to date. Need anything?
Lizzy: Will do. Just sleep. Later.
B
en: How u feeling today?
Lizzy: Nose running less green.
Ben: Good. Been worried about you.
Lizzy: I'm getting there. Sleeping and catching up on lots on day time tv.
Ben: Great. Take it easy.
Lizzy: With Anne in Nurse Ratched mode I have no other choice.
Ben: Haha. Family.
Lizzy: Exactly.
Ben: Can I get u anything?
Lizzy: I'm ok.
Ben: Sorry I missed ur call. What's happening?
Lizzy: Just wanted to wish u luck w the concert. How is Memphis? Any sightings of the King?
Ben: Not yet. But he's here somewhere. How u doing?
Lizzy: Much better. Bored. Want out of bed. Dr said a day or 2. Blood pressure was a little low, made me light headed. But no big deal.
Ben: You fainted? What happened?
Lizzy: No, just felt off. It's fine. Taking extra iron.
Ben: Christ, u sure?
Lizzy: Yes. Please don't worry. It's all getting worked out.
Ben: Shit. Ok. Be good to see you.
Lizzy: You too. So sick of being sick. Meet me in St Louis?
Ben: Deal.
Lizzy: Anne said u rang her. Brave.
Ben: Wanted to make sure u were ok.
Lizzy: I know. But I am telling u everything.
Ben: Yeah. Just worried.
Lizzy: Dr's good. If anything changes I'll let u know straight away. See u soon.
Lizzy: I am now the proud of owner of a wide selection of super comfy pjs and the worlds most extensive collection of zombie films.
Ben: :)
Lizzy: You rock in all the ways.
Ben: Pjs were Lena's idea. Zombies were mine.
Lizzy: They both made my day. Thank you.
Ben: What movie u watching?
Lizzy: Dawn of the Dead.
Ben: Original or remake?
Lizzy: Remake. Love the actors in it.
Ben: Cool. Never seen it.
Lizzy: It's not Romero, but its fun.
Ben: Show it to me sometime.
Lizzy: You got it.
Lizzy: Arrived. Going to sleep.
Ben: Ok?
Lizzy: Yes. Just tired. Have a good concert.
Ben: Thanks. C u in the morning.
*
Yes, the sad fact was, Ben and I were probably better at texting one another than we'd ever been communicating face-to-face. Apart from that one night in Vegas. Oh, and the time in his truck. And in his hotel suite tub after his argument with Jimmy, though he'd been somewhat under the influence that night.
Anyway, the flight wore me out. I went straight to bed when Anne and I hit Saint Louis. But I didn't exactly get much sleep.
"Fuck off, dude!" was my wake-up call. "You don't come in here."
"Out of my way," said someone in a distinctly deep and pissed off tone.
"Easy." Another male voice. A different one this time.
"Ben, be reasonable. She's still sleeping." That was Anne, her voice placating.
"It's one o'clock in the afternoon. She said she was better, why the fuck is she still sleeping?"
I sure as hell wasn't anymore.
"Anne, he's got a point. Has anyone checked on her lately?" I think that was Lena, but what she was doing here, I had no idea.
"Something's wrong. I want a doctor here now," said Ben.
"Just a minute. We're all worried about her." Ev, perhaps?
Hell, it sounded like everyone was visiting.
"Told you, man," said Mal. "You don't come into my rooms. I may have to work with you. But I don't want a fucking thing to do with you outside of that."
"For Christ's sake..."
"You fucked with my trust."
"I know," sighed Ben. "And I'm sorry. Right now, though, I need to know she's okay."
"I'm fine," I said, stepping out of my room. "Hey, you're really all here."
And I do mean everyone. David and Ev, Lena and Jimmy, and of course my sister and Mal, what with me still sharing their suite. Thank goodness I was wearing a pair of the spanking new blue lounge pants and matching striped tank top, tiny bare baby bulge poking out in between.
"Liz." Ben rushed me, engulfing me in his big strong arms.
"Hi." I mumbled into his T-shirt-covered pec. Yeah, I'd kind of frozen. Generally, we didn't do this, but also it felt far too good. My poor, tired body got shivery in the best way. The man was just asking for me to hump his leg or something. Desperate really wasn't pretty.
"Are you okay?" he asked, studying my face.
"I'm fine. I just overslept. Sorry to worry everyone."
He frowned, big hands cupping my face, gently turning it this way and that for his inspection. "You don't look okay. You look tired."
"I couldn't get to sleep last night. I'm bouncing back from the cold just fine, though. No more Queen of the Phlegm or any of that."
"You sure?" He gave me a dubious look.
"Screw you, bud. I'm glowing."
The big jerk gave me a sheepish look. "Sorry. Just been worried about you."
"Apparently my iron levels were a little low. I'm taking supplements now, eating more. I'll be back to normal in no time. And really, I feel fine. I feel great! Being up and around is awesome."
"Why couldn't you sleep?"
My mouth worked fine, but really my brain was too sleep-addled just yet to invent a plausible lie on demand. Worse, my face began to fire up. Crap. Out of all the questions in all the world, I particularly did not want to answer that one. Not even a little.
"Why?"
"I don't know, I just couldn't."
"Liz."
"Ben."
"Tell me why," he barked.
"Because the walls here are thin, okay? It was too noisy. Now enough with the questions. I'm hungry."
"Ha," shouted Mal triumphantly, hands on hips. "Your nightly fun-time party boy bullshit kept her awake."
"I'm on the other side of the fucking building," said Ben. "How the hell could I be keeping her awake?"
"But then, if it wasn't you..." Anne's brows slowly rose and she covered her mouth with her hand. "Oh dear. Sorry, Liz."
I nodded, unable to face her just yet.
"What," asked Mal, eyes full of confusion. "What are you two talking about?"
Jimmy snorted. A moment later, his brother did much the same. At least Ev and Lena managed to keep the bulk of their reaction on the inside. They were nice girls.
I'd never needed to know that my sister was a screamer. Never. That Mal was a screamer too just kind of confused me. If only you could have memories bleached from your brain. What an extraordinarily useful thing it would be.
"Pumpkin? Explain."
Anne pulled Mal in close and whispered in his ear. Then Mal started snickering.
"It's not funny," said Anne.
"It kind of is."
She shook her head, arms crossed over her chest.
"Lord of the Sex strikes again!"
"Shuddup."
Huge grin in place, Mal smacked a kiss on her lips.
"So you got caught up on sleep okay?" Ben asked, ignoring their carrying on.
"Yes. Thanks."
"We better get some breakfast into you. What do you feel like?"
"Hmm." My tummy grumbled audibly. Me no care. "I want the biggest omelet known to mankind."
"You got it."
His gaze fell to my waist, then his hand followed, tentatively covering my bump. It was still early days in Bean world. The bump might have been caused as much by bad posture as anything. But I knew she was in there, growing and doing her thing. Magic.
"You mind if I..." he asked.
"It's fine."
The palm of his hand warmed my skin, his calloused fingers softly tracing over me, tickling ever so slightly (Turning me on, of course. Gah.) The side of his thumb rubbed gently back and forth, the callus giving me goose bumps. Actually, I'm pretty certain he himself gave me goose bumps. It didn't even seem to matter wha
t his hands were up to. And I had the worse feeling that I'd missed him this last week. His voice, his presence, all of him. I stared up at his face, spellbound. It came as naturally as breathing, feeling for Ben. Whatever he'd been up to while I was away didn't even seem to matter just then. How dumb was my heart?
Meanwhile, the silence was starting to make me nervous.
"Fifteen weeks," I said.
"Wow." He smiled and I smiled back at him, lost. Same as always.
"Guess I should get dressed."
"Nah," he said. "Don't worry. Come to my room and we'll order your omelet. You can fill me in on everything over late breakfast."
"Okay. I'd like that."
We turned to face the assembled crowd. Every eye was on us--apparently our little conversation had held them enthralled. I'd kind of forgotten we had an audience at all, caught up in the moment.
"Man," said David, his hand clapping down on Mal's shoulder. "C'mon."
"What?" Mal scowled.
"This is getting sorted out," announced Jimmy. "Now. Time to kiss and make up, you two idiots."
"Fuck off, Jimbo."
Ben let go of my hand, taking a step forward. "They're right. What's it going to take?"
With the air of one greatly wounded, Mal turned to Anne. She too nodded, giving him a small smile.
"What I did was wrong. I gave you my word and I should have kept it." Hands to his sides, Ben faced Mal. "We've been friends since we were kids. Never should've given you reason to doubt me. I'm sorry."
"And you got her pregnant," bit out Mal.
"Yeah. But I'm not saying sorry for that. Never giving my kid cause to think they're not wanted."
Mal's eyes narrowed as he appraised Ben anew.
"This ain't good for Liz," Ben said, "getting caught in the shit between us. She doesn't need the stress." With a deep breath, Ben held his chin high. "What's it going to take?"
"Three," said Mal.
"Not the face." David moved in closer to the pair. "Agreed?"
"Gotta keep him pretty for the pictures," said Jimmy.
"Fine." Mal flexed his wrists, curling his right hand into a fist. "Don't want to damage these precious hands anyway."
"Wait!" I rushed forward, comprehension finally dawning. "You are not talking about hitting him. Over my dead body."
The other women looked resigned, concerned, combinations of both. None of them would interfere, however. It was there in their eyes. Fuck them.
Ben turned, grabbing hold of my arm and setting me back a pace. "Stay over there. Just in case."
"Ben. No."
"We need it done with."
"You are not letting him hit you."
"Liz--"
"I'm serious!"
"Sweetheart, it's okay," he said, eyes gentle but face set. "Calm down. We've been friends a long time. You got to let us work this one out our own way."