Like hell. "Anne, help me!"
My sister just grimaced. "Maybe he's right. Maybe we need to stay out of it."
"If this was Mal, would you stay out of it?" The thought of Ben getting hurt, of Mal doing the hurting, and me being the cause ... I basically wanted to vomit. "Mal, you lay one finger on him and I swear I am never talking to you again."
The idiot just rolled his eyes. "Please. I saw the sappy-ass way you just looked at him. He'll talk you 'round."
Then, before Ben was ready for it, Mal smashed his fist into the man's stomach. The breath whooshed out of Ben audibly and I winced. He bent forward, instinctively protecting himself. Without pause, Mal delivered the second blow, a sharp jab to Ben's side. Ben grunted, rearing back, and Mal slammed him once more in the belly. My own belly contracted in empathy. He'd done it, Mal had really done it.
The silence that followed was stunning. Ben's harsh breathing filled the room as Mal held his hand out for shaking. It was over.
I'd seen a couple of fights in my life. One particularly nasty one in a backstreet during my wild period. Then of course there was the night my pregnancy had been announced. At least the scent of blood didn't feature this time. Violence never fixed anything. Mal not waiting until Ben was ready, hitting him before he'd had a chance to brace for the blow, hurting the man I cared (too much) about.... Emotion tangled me up, turning me inside out. I didn't know whether to burst into tears or to start beating on things myself.
Stupid hormones. Stupider boys.
"All good?" asked Mal.
"Yeah. Nice one with that opening hit." Ben slowly straightened, pain flashing across his face. Then he shook his bandmate's hand. The guys slapped each other's backs and the women wore relieved smiles. These people were fucking insane.
"Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee." With his fists held high, Mal jumped around. "Lizzy, babe, c'mon. It's manly man's business. You wouldn't understand, kid. You just gotta go with it."
"You..." I searched my mind but there wasn't a word harsh enough, an insult vile enough. Violence it was. I'd wipe that smile off his face. Top lip raised in a snarl, I stalked toward him, my bitch-slapping hand at the ready.
Unfortunately, Ben was at the ready too.
"No you don't." He swung me up into his arms, cradling me against him. "It's over."
"Put me down."
"Time for breakfast, remember? Let's go."
I swore up a storm, the whole no foul language thing long forgotten. What can I say? It was a heated moment.
"Whoa," said Mal, eyes wide with surprise. "She's a fierce critter."
On the other side of the room, Ev opened the door and we made straight for it. Involuntarily on my part. "No. Ben--"
"What did you want in your omelet?"
"Put me down."
"And how about some juice? You want juice too?"
"Do not patronize me. I am not a child."
"Believe me, sweetheart, I know. Despite the tantrum you're throwing right now."
"This is not a tantrum! This is me being outraged at Mal hitting you."
The door closed shut behind us and we stood in yet another long hotel hallway. Red carpet this time, with groovy art deco mirrors lining the walls. Ben's long-ass legs got us as far away from Mal and Anne's suite as fast as they could manage. Outside another doorway he paused, carefully setting me down while keeping one arm around my waist--in case of any escape attempts, no doubt. He slid a card through the lock and pushed open the door, giving me an encouraging nudge in the desired direction.
Inside, he sealed the door shut, slumped back against it. Then he just kind of stared at me.
"What?" I grouched, crossing my arms.
The corner of his mouth crept up.
"It's not funny. I can't believe you let him hurt you."
With a hearty sigh, Ben raised his arms, lacing his fingers on top of his head. Still staring.
"That should not have happened," I said. "And it was my fault. You got hurt by one of your oldest friends because of me."
He blinked, the hint of a smile disappearing. "No. I let Mal take a couple of shots at me because he's one of my oldest friends. Shit, he's more than that. He's my brother. When shit went bad between Dave and me last year, he's the one that talked Dave around, smoothed it over. Now, I gave Mal my word on you, and I broke it. I deserved him being pissed at me, and between us we just sorted that out. End of story."
"I don't like it."
"You don't have to like it. This is between me and Mal."
"So what I think doesn't matter?"
"Not about this, no," he said, looking me right in the eye.
Assholes. I turned my back on him for a minute, pulling myself together. Everything inside of me was in flux, a crazy mess.
"Never had a woman try to protect me like that before," he said softly. "Mal was right, you're fierce."
I raised my chin, turning back to face him.
"Stubborn. Loyal."
I shrugged. "Hungry."
He laughed, pushing off from the door with one foot, coming toward me. Once more he placed a kiss on the top of my head. Without thought I leaned into him. Ben had somehow come to represent warmth and safety. A kind of home for Bean and me, despite my best efforts to keep a safe distance between us. But maybe home wasn't about the heart, exactly, but about something deeper. We'd made a child together, it made sense there'd be a link. No need for me to get all carried away.
I don't know.
My feelings for him hadn't particularly made me any wiser. They constantly pushed and pulled me in different, confusing directions. I didn't know if I'd ever figure it out. What I felt for him, however, and what I felt for Bean, were so extraordinarily big. I'd never known there was room in me for so much emotion. If I could just attach myself to him, that would be great. Perhaps he'd like a pet limpet. Ha! It was all probably just another weirdo hormonal thing and in five minutes I'd be all whatever about him. A girl could hope.
"You okay?" he asked with a smile.
"Fine."
"Do me a favor?"
"What?"
"Stay out of fights. Keep our baby safe."
"Good point," I groaned. "I kind of lost it back there."
"Yeah, you kind of did."
"Sorry."
"I'm a big boy, Liz. You can trust me to look after myself, okay? I'm not going to be letting anyone else take a swing at me. I hit the gym just about every day with Jim. I'm no delicate little flower you need to protect."
"Okay."
He set his hands on my shoulders and gazed down. "And I understand. I do. Shit's complicated, but if anyone laid a finger on you, I'd lose it too. You're going to have to get over it and forgive Mal, though. I meant what I said. This isn't good. No more fighting within our family. I want it finished."
I gave him a nod. "I'll work on it. But there's no way I'm living with them anymore. For lots of reasons. Time to get my own room."
"Liz, you've just been sick enough to be on a week's bed rest. Anne said your blood pressure is still gonna be an issue for a while. I don't think now's the time to be alone. What if something happens?"
"What's my alternative? Jimmy and Lena need their alone time right now. I'm not going to inflict myself upon them."
Deep sigh. "Yeah, you're right. You better move in with me."
"With you?" I asked, surprised.
"Well, yeah." He spread his arms wide. "I get two-bedroom suites 'cause I like my space. Plenty of room for you."
"What about your nightly parties? I don't want to be a downer, but..."
"They'll go somewhere else. Fuck, Vaughan and Down Fourth can have 'em in their room for a change. Not a problem."
I slumped in relief. It also worked well to hide the excitement bolting through me. Me and Ben living together. Wow. What a notion. "Sounds great!"
"Cool." He clapped his hands, rubbed them together. "This'll work out great. We'll be meshing, working on being friends and all. Plus I won't have to worry
about you being on your own."
"Friends. Awesome."
That word. I had to translate it to happy in my mind. Make it work. Ben and I would be friends. Friends friends friends.
He held up his big paw. "Give me five, friend."
I did so, smacking my palm against his with great zest. Fire-truck, that hurt.
CHAPTER NINE
After Saint Louis came Washington, DC, followed by Philadelphia. It took until then for me to fully get my bounce back and to forgive Mal. Well, to begin to forgive Mal. As much as everyone else liked to rationalize it, the memory of him driving his fist into Ben's gut still felt too fresh. My bitch-slapping hand started to twitch every time he came near. I couldn't help it.
Ben and I living together had not been the astronomical step toward a bright and beautiful romantic future I might have secretly, stupidly hoped for.
But that was my problem, not his.
There'd definitely been no more hugging. As a roommate, he was very polite--and frequently absent. Yep, Ben was a busy boy. He'd emerge from his room grizzly and bed-headed at nine and we'd have breakfast together, which was nice. For an hour or so we'd chat over pancakes or eggs Benedict or whatever. Conversation usually revolved around my health and the movie I'd watched the night before. Then he'd disappear to "do band shit." I don't quite know what he did, but apparently it took him all day and well into the night. So I'd taken to sitting up in front of the TV, hoping to catch him when he came in at whatever time. Instead, I'd wake up tucked into my own bed, come morning.
All very friendly. I just needed to adjust. Still. And damn it, tonight I would. Tonight, my crush on him came to an end. It had to. The man really was hell on my heart and loins.
"Remind me again why we're here," said Anne, slipping her arm around my shoulders.
"To party."
"We're here to party?"
"How could you doubt it?" I smoothed the big, flowy black T-shirt down over my small bump of a belly.
"So long as we're not here to spy on Ben."
I scoffed. "As if I'd do that."
"'Cause you're so over him."
"Big-time. Huge. We're friends."
Anne made a humming noise. "Friends don't let friends stalk their friends."
"You and I aren't friends, we're sisters. Totally different." My jaw cracked on a particularly large yawn. Ugh. This growing a baby stuff really took it out of you. "You have to suck it up and support me no matter what crackpot crap I do."
"You two still sharing the suite but not the bedroom, huh?"
"Do you really want to know?" I asked, curious.
She sighed. "You're pregnant with his baby. I give up. Of all the males I might have chosen for you, he's not even remotely on the list. But at the end of the day, it's your choice, not mine."
I nodded, pleased.
"I just want you to know, you have options." Just like when we were kids, Anne twirled a lock of my hair around a finger and gave it a tug. I slapped at her hand, same as I'd always done. She grabbed my fingers and held on tight. "Mal and I have been talking. However you want to do this, we're happy to support you. Whether that's move in with us or whatever."
"I appreciate that."
"And on the off chance you and Ben can't work things out, you don't need to worry about money."
"Ben wouldn't leave me hanging like that, Anne."
"I'm just saying--"
"I know. But trust me, I don't need to worry about money."
"No. You don't."
"Yeah, I really don't," I said, turning to face her. "He put six figures in my account before the tour started."
"Huh." The whites of Anne's eyes were showing. "Good. This makes me think better of the bearded wonder."
"Mm." It was a step up from her calling him the Sperminator, at least.
We sat huddled together in a single large lounge chair, watching the postconcert party get going. When I'd moved into Ben's two-bedroom suite, the party had changed location to the room of Down Fourth's singer. He shared the smaller suite with his girlfriend, the band's drummer. She'd been more than welcoming, if a little surprised, when we knocked on the door.
I had the worst feeling that Anne was right, though, and I shouldn't have come. Not to this room, this tour, none of it. Also, apparently my mood currently registered around the shitty level. Shooty. No, that didn't work. Crappy. Yes, crappy made for a suitable non-sweary replacement.
"I hate that I have to be looked after, that all of a sudden I'm no longer me, I'm a condition, a baby-making machine." I leaned my head against Anne's with a Poor me sigh. "Should have stayed in Portland and worked in the bookstore. I don't belong here."
"Of course you belong here. Don't be a dolt."
I gave her a half smile. "I sound pathetic. Quick, slap me with a wet fish or something."
"If only I had one handy. This baby sure makes you an interesting person to be around. I never know what mood I'll get next."
"You have no idea. I need to get laid so bad ... my dreams are just one endless stream of pornography."
"Oh-kay. So go on, talk to me about him. I'll try to be open-minded."
"There's not much to say."
"You two looked pretty cozy when he stormed the castle to rescue you from your evil sister and brother-in-law."
I raised my brows.
"Sorry," she said. "When he pushed his way in because he was worried about you--kudos to him for caring--you two looked like you were getting on well. I take it this is no longer the case, since you're clearly unhappy and we're lurking here, waiting for him to appear."
"We're very polite. We're always texting, he checks on me constantly, and if I need him he's there. But ... I don't know. It's not like we're really saying anything. We share the same space but we're living at a distance. He does his thing, I do mine. He gets up and goes, comes back in the early hours after drinking here with these guys."
She frowned.
How to explain it? It was all such a mess. "Thing is, I can't get over him when I'm living with him. The proximity doesn't work. It just turns me into some perverted weirdo, hopped up on pregnancy hormones, sniffing his dirty laundry."
"You sniffed his dirty laundry?" Anne gave me a look of much judgment.
"It was only a shirt."
She cleared her throat. "Right. Okay."
"Anyway, it doesn't feel right, the way things are. I invaded his private space, taking up the offer of moving in. It was a bad move. So I've been thinking about either heading home or getting my own room."
"Don't leave. Move back in with me and Mal. I promise we'll keep the sex noises under control."
"No way. I still get these horrible flashbacks of that night and wake up crying, terrified that some sexed-up howler monkey is going to attack me." The sniggering--I couldn't contain it if I tried. So I didn't.
"Funny," she said drily.
"Thanks. I amuse me."
"I hate the thought of you being on your own."
"I know. But I'm going to be a single parent, Anne. I am on my own, it's a fact of life. Time I got used to it." I shrugged. "I know you and Mal want to do what you can, and I appreciate it. I do. Bean's lucky. She's going to have an awesome extended family with all of you guys."
"She really is."
I gave Anne's knee a friendly squeeze. "I'm glad we could talk about this. I've missed talking to you."
"Sorry I was so judgy. It was just hard, with all our plans for you to study and everything."
"Yeah, I know."
We just about sat in each other's laps we were so close. After the last few months, I think we needed it.
"I keep telling myself that he and I are just going to be friends," I said, letting it all out, dumping the whole sorry story on her. "There's a deeply stupid part of me that's still holding out hope, however, that doesn't quite want to accept it. I can't sit in his hotel room waiting for him to come home so we can have some magical moment together that'll fix everything and make it right. He and I
are never going to be like that. I just have to accept it."
My sister just stared at me. "You have real feelings for him, don't you?"
I snorted. I don't know, it just seemed ridiculous that she was still in denial after everything.
"Sorry. I guess I just always thought this was some crush you'd get over," she said. "But it's not."
"No. But it's way past time for me to move on. You're right there. Hence we are here, waiting for him to make an appearance. I'll see him in action, schmoozing with sexy women, and hopefully realize the depth of my silliness. Then I'll tell him it's time for me to go big and get my own room or go home." I picked up my glass of lemonade from the coffee table and took a sip.
Anne cocked her head, studying me. "Are you in love with him?"
Good question.
"I just thought ... maybe seeing him in action isn't what you need," she said. "Maybe taking a stand would work better."
"Demanding he love me? I don't think that would work."
"Hmm. But back to the original question. Do you love him?"
"I'm not sure I even know what love is."
"Does it hurt?"
Air was apparently in short supply. I stared at my sister, confused at the question and yet completely understanding. And that question--I didn't want to answer it. I needed to concentrate on my definites. Bean. Being a mom. Things like that.
"Well?" she asked.
"Yes." And god I hated it. The truth sucked.
Slowly Anne nodded, no smile on her face. "I'm sorry."
"Anyway." My smile felt so impossibly plastic. It was a wonder my face didn't crack. "When he gets here, I'll talk to him. In the meantime, party-party girl, that's me. And I've got a feeling this one's going to be an all-nighter."
"It's nearly midnight. I'm impressed you've managed to stay awake this long."
"You're only saying that because I've been asleep by eight o'clock every night this week."
She smiled.
"You wait. Later we'll go completely crazy and do shots of warm milk. It'll be awesome."
"Living on the edge."
"I know, right?" I turned to look over my shoulder at my new, ever-present shadow. "You can do the honors and pour, Sam."
"I'll look forward to that, Miss Rollins." The security man gave me an austere nod, never taking his eyes off the room. Damn it. He joked and smiled with the members of the band. I'd witnessed it with my own two eyes. Eventually I'd wear him down.
From out in the hall came the unmistakable wailing of He Who Shall Not Be Named. Stage Dive had finally arrived. Or some of them. Mal barreled into the room, searching for his mate, while Ben wandered in at a more sedate pace, chatting to a dude I didn't recognize. Ben's hair was slicked back, his beard neatly trimmed. I guessed he'd changed shirts after the show, because this one was a black button-down, neatly ironed. The cuffs were rolled up, the top few buttons undone.