“Who’s hungry?” she asked, looking up and spying me. Her smile widened and she held out a roasting stick to me. “Ready to eat, big guy?”
“You know it,” I replied, hurrying to take it from her and loading it up with three hotdogs. She laughed as she watched me fill my plate with buns and chips before grabbing a soda and heading to a folding chair near the fire.
“Someone is having fun,” she called after me.
“You know me. I love camping,” I replied with a grin, holding my hotdogs over the open flames to cook as I shoved a chip in my mouth. The conversation between the four of us grew quieter as we enjoyed our meal. And the darker it got, the more ready for bed I was. This emotional exhaustion was starting to wreak havoc on my system. I didn’t know how much longer I could keep it up. I was worn out.
“Hey, I don’t mean to be a party pooper, but I think I’m going to crash soon. The best fishing happens first thing in the morning, so I think I’ll call it an early night.”
“Stay a little while,” Britt responded, almost like a whine. “I want to spend some more time with you.”
Staring at her, I couldn’t refuse. I owed it to her. She needed a break too, and she’d been amazing to me. “Okay, for a little while. You wanna go for a walk down by the water?”
“I love to,” she replied, a happy glow appearing on her face. Standing, she took my hand and dragged me from my chair.
“You two wanna come with us,” I asked Brett and Tana, not wanting to be rude.
“No, thanks,” Brett said, scooting his chair closer to Tana and slipping his arm around her. “I think we’re gonna stay and cuddle by the fire for a bit.”
“All right. Have fun,” I replied with a wink.
“Enjoy your walk,” Tana said as I draped my arm around Britt and we headed toward the quickly darkening trees around us.
“Do we need a flashlight for later?” Britt asked.
“Nah, I’ve got that LED light on my keychain in my pocket. We’re good.” Squeezing her shoulders tighter, I placed a light kiss on the top of her head.
“I love you,” she said, wrapping one of her arms around me.
“Love you, too,” I replied, absently noticing the sound of the water growing louder as we drew closer. We were nearing the spot I’d run to earlier.
“Being out in the forest like this is comforting, isn’t it? It makes you stop and really think about things. So tell me, Chase, what are you thinking about?”
Sighing, I shook my head, knowing there was no way I could tell her what was running around in my head. “I’m thinking I spend too much time thinking. Let’s not analyze anything, okay Britt? Let’s just enjoy camping for the sake of camping, shall we?”
“Yeah, that’s okay. I’ve been looking forward to spending time relaxing with you,” she said softly, slipping her hand in mine.
Continuing on without speaking, I tuned my ears into the sounds of nature, listening to the rushing water mixed with the whisper of the trees and the sound of pine needles crunching under our feet, until I noticed Brittney was shivering.
“Why didn’t you tell me you were getting cold?” I asked, silently cursing myself for not noticing sooner. “Let’s get you back to the fire so you can warm up, and I’ll get everything ready for bed.”
“Thanks for bringing us all out here,” she replied. “I’ve really been enjoying myself.”
“Me, too,” I replied, hugging her to me as we headed back toward camp.
“Chase.” I heard Nikki’s voice whisper lightly on the breeze and I resolutely shoved it from my mind. Tonight, I was with my wife, Brittney.
Chapter Fourteen
Torturous dreams of Nikki kept me tossing and turning throughout the night, finally forcing me to wake myself up just to escape them. Glancing at my phone, I saw it was five o’clock in the morning. Quietly crawling from the bed, I stealthily made my way out the door into the cool morning air.
The trail to the creek was inviting me, so I decided an early morning walk might do me some good. I limped along, trying to stretch out the kinks in my knee. The reality was, mornings were not my friend. I hated how stiff I always felt.
Remembering back to the fears of my youth, I remembered always being afraid of becoming disabled. Personally, I had more respect for the physically disabled than some of the ignorant professional football players I’d met in my time. Anyone with a disability knew a lot about overcoming odds in my book. They should be the heroes who were lauded, not some whiney guy hoping to increase his paycheck by multi-millions.
Not that I was against professional athletes in any way—I was one, almost. I simply believed in giving credit where credit was due.
“Morning!” a deep voice spoke, causing me to jump as I glanced around and spotted an old man leaning against the trunk of a giant tree. He chuckled as he continued to stare at me. “Sorry, son. I didn’t mean to scare you.”
“No worries,” I replied. “You just caught me off guard. I wasn’t expecting anyone else to be out here.”
“If you were here often, you’d know I don’t stray very far from here.” Lowering his head, he studied his hands. I had no idea what to say, but I wondered if this guy was truly with it mentally, or not.
“Is there anything I can do for you?” I asked, tossing a look over my shoulder back toward our camp. “I need to be getting back to help my wife with breakfast soon.”
Lifting his eyes back to mine, he was silent for several moments as he studied me, replying. “Just make sure the people you love know that you really love them.”
“Um, okay. Thanks.” I faltered as I searched for more words. “Have a great day.”
Turning, I made my way back down the path I’d come, slowly moving along as I pondered his statement. Had Nikki known I was truly in love with her? I sure hoped so. Glancing toward the sky, I softly spoke the words I wished I could tell her.
“Nikki, I don’t exactly know where to start, so I guess I’ll begin with I miss you. Not a day goes by that you don’t cross my mind. It seems I spend half the day thinking about you lately. I can’t forget you. I’ll never forget you; but I know you’re aware of that already. Sometimes I feel like you’re so much closer to me than you are. I even think I hear you on occasion, but I never see you. I hope I can see you again, one day. I long to look at your beautiful smile and your sparkling eyes.” A tear fell to my cheek. “I love you, Nikki,” I whispered, my voice growing hoarser. “I still love you. I wish you were here.”
Guilt flooded through me when I heard the words come out of my mouth. I felt like I was betraying Brittney. I knew she encouraged me to keep my feelings for Nikki alive inside my heart, but sometimes I wondered if she truly understood the depth of my emotion for Nikki. But I loved Brittney so much, too. My feelings for her might be different, but they were just as strong.
Wiping the tear away, I resolutely squared my shoulders and hurried back toward camp—just in time to catch Brett taking a pee in plain sight.
“Cold morning, huh, big guy?” I asked, laughing.
“Oh, shut up!” he grumbled as he turned in the other direction.
“Are you ready to go fishing? I have a feeling that today is going to be a good one.” I went to where we’d stacked the wood for the fire and began collecting logs. Before long, flames were dancing about wildly and I warmed my hands in the heat.
“Good morning, handsome.” Britt’s voice filled the air and I turned to see her stepping out of the camp trailer with a bright smile.
“Well, good morning to you, gorgeous,” I replied with a grin, gesturing for her to join me, wrapping my arms around her when she did so. Man, I loved it up here. It felt great to be out of the city and standing in the fresh air. Everything always seemed better here. I missed it.
“Why don’t I start breakfast while you guys load up the Ranger?” Britt suggested. “Then we will be ready to go after we eat.”
“Sounds like a good plan,” I replied, giving her a kiss on the cheek. “H
ow’d I end up with such a smart girl?”
“You’re just lucky, I guess,” she responded, hugging me before I released her.
***
One crazy ride in the Ranger and a few slaps from Brittney later, we were at my favorite fishing hole. Pulling into a sandy area between the rock walls of the canyon, I parked and went to get our gear while the girls complained about my driving.
“You know, there were a couple times I wondered if we would actually survive to fish, right?” Brett said with a nudge as we both listened to their chatter, the stories growing ever wilder.
“Oh come on! It wasn’t that bad!” I replied. “Man up a bit.” I shot him a grin as I grabbed the tackle box and poles and headed toward the water. “You girls can bring the camping chairs if you’d like.”
“Will you help me with my pole?” Britt asked, coming up beside me and setting a chair down next to the log I liked to sit on.
“Of course, silly girl,” I answered, giving her a wink and settling in to bait the rods. She continued to busy herself, digging a book out of her bag and shifting herself in the chair to read. As soon as her pole was ready, I handed it back to her and she cast her line into the water.
Smiling to myself, I watched her briefly for a few moments, happy that she seemed to be enjoying herself out here in the quiet of nature.
“Ouch!” The sudden cry from Brett echoed off the canyon walls and I jumped, turning to see what was wrong.
“What is it?” I asked, noticing he was grabbing his hand.
“He was baiting my hook and lost his balance,” Tana explained. “When he went to catch himself he somehow shoved the hook clear through his thumb.
Hopping up, I ran over to check him out, hearing Britt right behind me. Sure enough, the hook had gone all the way through the flesh and was poking through his thumbnail on the other side. It looked painful.
“What do you want to do?” I asked him.
“Get it out, dude.”
“You sure?” I asked, and he nodded. Grabbing my Leatherman, I cut the barbed side of the hook off as gently as possible, before quickly extracting the rest of the hook.
Brett let out a groan. “Son of a . . . ,”
“We need to disinfect it,” I replied, moving to the ice chest and retrieving a beer. Popping the lid, I poured a generous amount on it while Brett gritted his teeth. “Here, drink the rest. You’re gonna need it, I imagine. Do you want Band-aids or some ice for it?”
“Just the Band-aids, for now. I’ll see how it goes.” I retrieved the first aid kit and Tana took over helping Brett from there.
“Thanks for doing that,” she said softly when the two of them joined us. “It really made me gag to look at it.”
“No problem,” I replied. “You doing okay, buddy?” I glanced past her toward Brett.
“I’ll be fine. I just feel like an idiot.” He grimaced as he moved to sit on the log beside me, while Tana set her chair up next to him.
Silence drifted between the four of us once more, and I found myself lost in my own thoughts, once again. Staring at the water, memories of being at the creek with Nikki began to surface in my mind. I’d brought her here with me before, and I’d never forgotten her face as she tried to reel in a giant catfish.
“Oh my gosh, Chase! I’ve caught something,” her voice rang through the air as her pole bent hard toward the water.
“Yank on your pole! Hook it good!” I encouraged her, rushing to her side. She did as I instructed and the big, fat catfish briefly surfaced, flipping about wildly. Nikki stumbled forward and I wrapped an arm quickly around her small waist to stabilize her. “Hang on to it. Start reeling it in!”
Helping her only when absolutely necessary, I couldn’t help but smile at the sound of her laughter filling the air as she pulled the fish to shore. Reaching for the net, I scooped it up for her.
“Look how big this sucker is, Nikki!” I exclaimed, holding it up proudly for her to examine. “You could feed that tiny body of yours on this for week, I bet!”
Instead of smiling, she poked her lip out in a pout. “Aw, poor little fishy,” she cooed as the creature still flopped and trembled. “I didn’t mean to catch you. He made me do it!” She pointed an accusatory finger at me.
Shaking my head, I just laughed at her. “Sure, make me out to be the bad guy.”
“If the shoe fits . . .” She let her voice trail off.
“Yeah. Just you wait. You’ll be singing a different tune after my grandma batters and fries this up for dinner with some of her hush puppies. My mouth is watering just thinking about it.”
She laughed heartily, watching as I slipped the fish onto a stringer and put it back into the water. “You’re mouth is always watering over something.”
Glancing at her, I grinned, casting my gaze over her perfect figure. “Yep. And it’s usually you.”
The blush I loved so much crept into her cheeks, making me want to kiss her, thoroughly.
“What are you smiling about, cowboy?” Britt’s voice broke into my head, bringing me out of my reverie and back to the present.
Sighing heavily, I replied honestly. “Just remembering the first time Nikki caught a fish here.”
Britt gave a short laugh. “I remember her telling Tana and me about it. I think the fish got bigger with each retelling.”
“It was a pretty big fish—tasted good, too,” I added, remembering how Grandma had cooked all the fish we’d caught. Our meal had been amazing.
“I’m glad you have those happy memories, Chase.” Britt stared at me, love filling her eyes. “They are important. Don’t ever let them go.”
Chapter Fifteen
“Chase.”
Moaning, I rolled over, burying my face into the pillow. Camping, while always fun, had worn me out, as usual. Plus, my leg had been aching from using it so much without my crutches. By the time we made it home, I’d fallen into bed, exhausted.
“Chase.” Britt’s voice came again. “I need you to wake up. It’s important.”
The concern in her tone filtered through my senses and immediately my eyes snapped open. “What’s wrong?” I asked.
“You need to call your mom.” Her eyes were red and I could tell she had been crying.
“Are you going to tell me what’s the matter?” Fear laced through me, knowing the news wasn’t good.
“Please, call your mom.”
Sighing, I sat up, leaned back against my pillows and reached for the phone charging on the nightstand. I pressed the speed dial for Mom and waited, even the ring tones sounded ominous in my ear.
“Hi, Chase,” she answered.
“Brittney said I needed to call you. What’s going on, Mom?” I asked, getting straight to the point as my heartbeat pounded loudly in my head.
“Honey, it’s your grandpa. He’s not doing too well and you need to come back home if you want to see him. I’m afraid he isn’t going to be with us much longer.”
Her words slammed into me, not making any sense at all. “What? How? What do you mean? What the hell is going on?” I demanded, instantly feeling dizzy as the room spun in front of me.
“He is sick and it’s bad. He kept his condition from the family, but things have progressed rapidly. The doctors have let him stay at home, since that was his wish, but you need to hurry, okay? I’ll explain everything when you get here.”
“I’ll be there as soon as I can,” I replied, hanging up and turning to Brittney. “We need to go.”
“Our things are still in the truck,” she replied. “We can leave right now. I can call into work and wash clothes when we get there.”
Slipping my hand into hers, I made my way to the garage, my mind awash in disbelief. Not Grandpa. He was so strong. He was the rock that held our family together. We couldn’t live without him. I’d just had dinner with him on Sunday and he acted fine. This couldn’t be happening.
The drive home passed in a silent blur. Brittney sat beside me, her hand resting on my knee, as she dozed of
f and on. I didn’t even turn on the radio, the thoughts in my head buzzing too loud for me to listen to anything else. Silent prayers fell from my lips as I pushed the gas pedal harder.
It seemed to take days before the white farmhouse came into view. There were lots of cars I didn’t recognize, but I didn’t take my time trying to figure out who was there. Parking haphazardly, I jumped from the truck and rushed inside, encountering several faces I didn’t know.
“The bedroom,” someone whispered, and I hurried off down the hall. My mother’s stricken face was the first thing I saw when I entered. She immediately moved to my side as my eyes drifted to where my grandpa’s form was laid out on the bed. His skin was ashen and lifeless looking, and Grandma gripped one of his pale hands in her own as she cried.
Nausea flowed through me and suddenly I couldn’t swallow. I couldn’t be here, this couldn’t happen. Fleeing from the room, I hurried out the back door, running to the barn and dropped onto a bale of hay. Burying my face into my hands, I leaned my elbows against my knees and wept, the tears falling as if they were being torn from the deepest part of my very soul.
Death and I seemed to be getting far too cozy with one another lately. True, no one was getting out of this life alive, but it still was so difficult to process when it is someone you love. I was quickly discovering there was no easy way to handle it either. It didn’t matter how badly I wanted to shut myself off—to keep from feeling—there was still no way to stop the hurt that bloomed inside. I was simply going to have to face it head on—accept death as a part of life.
“Hello, sweet boy,” Grandma’s voice interrupted my thoughts and I glanced to find her in the doorway.
Standing, my tears increased. “I love you,” was all I managed to choke out.
She came to me, arms outstretched and gave me a big hug. “Would you like to go see him before the mortician takes him? You’re the last one to get to see him.”
I nodded and the two of us began walking to the house together. “What happened to him?”
She sighed heavily. “Your grandpa had brain cancer. We never told anyone about it. He wanted to live life as normally as possible. He’d been feeling worse lately, and getting really bad headaches, again; so he went back in to get checked out. He was bleeding heavily into his brain. They told him this was the end and he asked to come home.”