“Why didn’t you tell anyone?” I demanded, almost feeling angry. “I could’ve come home and helped him.”
“You have enough stress of your own, Chase. Your grandpa didn’t want to add to it. That was his last wish—to not add stress to anyone. I had to respect it.”
“When will the funeral be?”
“This Saturday, at the church. He already helped me plan it out and bought a plot in the cemetery.” We reached the house and she ushered me inside, pausing at the door to her room. “Are you going to be okay?” she asked. I nodded, stepping inside and closing the door behind me.
Allowing my gaze to travel around the room, I glanced at all the mementos of my grandpa’s life. Smiling pictures of him and Grandma greeted me from the dresser, a few shots Grandma had taken of him working in various places on the farm, and one in his military uniform, as well. In the far corner was and old saddle of his, propped up on a stand next to a rack of handmade quilts of Grandma’s. His boots were next to the rocking chair, most likely right where he’d put them the last time he’d removed them.
My eyes drifted to where he lay on the bed and I sat in the chair beside him, slipping my hand into his. “Grandpa . . . I,” I didn’t know where to start. “Grandpa, I’m sorry.” I burst into tears. I couldn’t do this—no, I didn’t want to do this, but I had to. “Thank you. Thank you for taking me in. Thank you for giving me the most amazing mom in the world. Thank you for showing up to my games, for teaching me how to be a real cowboy, for loving grandma, and for being the best father figure a kid could ask for. But most of all, thanks for helping me to become a man, and showing me how it should be done. You are truly the best man I’ve ever known. Please forgive me for all my shortcomings. I love you.”
Sitting beside him for several long minutes, I continued to let my tears roll down my face. I couldn’t believe our time together was over; and I found myself reluctant to leave his side, knowing it would be our last time together.
When I finally slipped from his room, I made my way unnoticed out the back door. My knee protested as I began striding across the giant field behind the house, but I didn’t care. The sun had dipped low in the sky, beginning to make its way down behind the horizon, by the time I arrived at the picnic spot Nikki and I had once shared by the creek. The memory of the two of us eating Grandma’s fried chicken washed over me. I was grateful for the memories, but I was here for another reason. It was time to find myself again. I needed to get off the rollercoaster I felt like I was on, being jerked around from one side to the other, spinning out of control as I let life happen to me instead of taking it by the horns and trying to control it myself. Everything had become so difficult and hard. In high school, things had seemed so easy—the grades, the games, the girls. Now I was overwhelmed with bills, stress, injuries, and death.
I wanted to go back. For the first time, I allowed myself to dream of starting it all over. What would my life be like if I knew then what I knew now? Would I have still fallen for Nikki? Or would I have been the wild kid on the downward spiral, taking chances, thinking myself invincible?
Grandpa’s image floated through my mind, causing a warm feeling to stir through me. He wouldn’t want me thinking like this. He’d tell me to man up and make the best of the life I have right now—to be the best me I could be. I knew if things worked out, I could still go play ball, but I wasn’t getting any younger and time stops for no one. I needed to make some big decisions regarding my future.
“You just left.” I spoke aloud. “But I can still feel you here with me. I’m going to stop feeling sorry for myself and be the man you taught me to be. I know you can’t be here in person, but it helps knowing that you are close by. There isn’t any other person I’d rather have beside me, even if it’s only in spirit. I’ll do my best to make you proud. I love you, Grandpa.”
“I thought I might find you out here.” My mom’s voice interrupted and I quickly wiped away my tears.
“Hey, Mom.” I wondered if she’d heard everything.
“You know Grandpa will always be alive in your heart, right?” she asked as she came beside me and wrapped her arm around my waist.
I nodded, noting her red-rimmed eyes and smudged makeup. I wished I could ease some of her pain. She was always so strong for everyone else.
“Mom,” I said and she glanced at me.
“Yes?”
“Thanks. For everything.”
She hugged me tighter and I wrapped both my arms fully around her. “I love you, son. We need to head back though. Your grandma sent me to find you. She’s getting out the chocolate chip cookies.”
I couldn’t help the laugh that bubbled up from inside me. “She knows me well, doesn’t she?”
Mom smiled widely as we turned in the direction of the ranch house. “Yes, she does. And I think she believes those cookies can cure anything.”
“Well, I’m willing to give it a shot,” I responded with a smile. “Is she going to be okay, now that grandpa’s gone, I mean?”
“He left her well taken care of. She’ll be able to stay here, if that’s what she wants.”
“I hope she will,” I said, glancing around the wide open space I now thought of as home. “I couldn’t imagine not having this old place anymore. I love it here.”
“I do, too,” Mom said, sighing wistfully. “We’ve had so many good memories here.”
“I’m sure we’ll have a lot more, too.” Gently, I squeezed her shoulders, and in my mind I could see Grandpa smiling happily over both of us.
Chapter Sixteen
Rolling out of bed with a groan, I stared for a moment at the clock. 5 AM. Now that the funeral was over and we were back home, today was the day I’d resolved to start getting myself back in shape. No more moaning and groaning about things and complaining about the hand life dealt me. I was starting over and building things back up again. My muscle mass and tone had begun to slowly wither away, due to lack of use. It was time to get it back.
Throwing on my running shorts and shoes, I quietly made my way from the bedroom, careful to not disturb Brittney. Even this early in the morning, I could still feel the slight humidity in the air and it made me wish I was still up in the mountains. My thoughts wandered to my grandma, and how her life would change now that Grandpa was gone. I worried about her– even if she did have money to hire help for the ranch. No one would love and care for it like Grandpa did—except for, perhaps, me.
“Don’t even think about it,” I mumbled to myself as I continued running down the sidewalk. There was no way I could uproot Brittney and move back to the farm. Could I? Sure, there wasn’t exactly anything keeping me here right now, but Britt had a good job, and I knew she loved the house we’d purchased. It was big enough for us to raise children in, which had been our intention.
But what kid wouldn’t love growing up on the ranch? The ideas kept drifting around in my head, entertaining me, until I realized I’d run much farther than I thought I’d be able to. It felt good to exercise again.
Spotting a coffee sign just down the road, I continued there, stopping to go inside and rest.
“Hello! Welcome to The Coffee Spot,” a young lady greeted me as I walked in.
“Thank you,” I replied, my eyes scanning the menu over her head.
“What can I get you this morning?”
“I’ll have the vanilla protein shake, with ice.”
“Oh, that’s a good one,” she replied with a cheesy smile, as if this was the greatest place on earth and she lived only to serve me. “Your total is four dollars and twenty-five cents.” I handed her the money and she gave me my change before hurrying off to make my drink.
Grabbing the newspaper someone had set out, I made my way to a table and sat down. Skipping over the bad news headlines, I went straight for the sports section. The waitress brought my drink out to me and I continued perusing through the articles as I drank. Reading about all the games going on in my peer’s careers made me even more inspired to achieve th
e new goal I’d set for myself.
When I arrived back home, Britt was still sleeping. She was still that way after my shower, too, so I snuck into the kitchen, deciding to surprise her with breakfast, for a change. I had a small skillet full of scrambled eggs, some bacon, and toast made before she finally appeared in the kitchen.
“Good morning, sleepyhead,” I teased. “I was beginning to think you weren’t ever going to wake up.”
She glanced at all the food and smiled. “Oh, my goodness. I’m so impressed, right now. I don’t know what to say. What’s the occasion?”
“No occasion. I just decided it was time to start getting the old me back. I’m tired of sitting around and doing nothing while life passes me by.” I pulled out a chair for her and gestured for her to sit at the table. Bringing the food over, I set it next to the plates I’d already laid out for us. “I went running this morning and I plan on going swimming tonight. Would you like to go with me?”
“I love to,” she replied, dishing up some food for herself. “I have to say, I’m happy to see you so motivated. I’ve been worried about you, lately. Things have been tough for you.”
“When the going gets tough, the tough get going. That’s my new motto. I need to get back in control of things and make a plan for the future. Speaking of the future, I had a totally crazy idea this morning while I was out on my run.”
“Really? What’s that?” Lifting her fork, she took a big bite of eggs.
“What would you think about selling this place and moving in with my Grandma so I could run the ranch?”
She made a slight choking sound and reached for her glass of milk, quickly swallowing. “Did she ask you to?” She finally asked.
“No. I just thought it might help her as she makes the transition to life without Grandpa. It would help me get back into shape, too. I mean, I know we bought this place hoping to raise kids here, but we could do that there, whenever we decide to have any.”
She slid her fork around her plate, picking at her food but not eating any of it.
“If you don’t want to, that’s fine,” I added hurriedly, worried that I’d upset her, somehow.
“No, it’s not that,” she said glancing at me. “I’m pregnant.”
It took several seconds for what she said to sink in. “What?” I asked, smiling. “Are you serious?” I stood and pulled her up, too, hugging her tightly. “When did you find out?”
“Please don’t be mad at me,” she said, and I released her slightly so I could look at her.
“Why would I be mad?”
“You’ve just had so much stress lately; I didn’t want to add to it.”
I started laughing. “How far along are you?” I asked, realizing she’d been keeping this from me.
“Eleven weeks.”
“You’re kidding? You’ve been going through all this without me? How are you feeling?”
“Other than some mild touches of nausea, here and there, I feel pretty good.”
“Well, I don’t know whether I should spank you or kiss you.” I tried to give her a fierce glare, but I couldn’t manage to keep the smile off my face.
“How about both?” she answered, a wicked gleam lighting her eye.
“You know that’s what got you into this mess in the first place, right?”
“Yes. And I don’t regret it one bit,” she replied, lifting up to rub her nose against mine before she kissed me. “I know we weren’t planning for this right now, but I kind of like having a piece of you with me all the time.”
“I love you, Britt.” Moving closer, I kissed her deeply, my love for her swelling in my chest. We were going to be parents! I could hardly believe it, but it was definitely the most amazing news.
“Does anyone else know?” I asked, breaking away from her.
She shook her head. “No, well except for the doctor. I had to tell you first.”
“Let’s go call our parents and let them know they’re going to be grandparents.”
“Sounds great.” She was positively glowing, as we left our food on the table and headed toward the living room. I thought she’d never looked prettier.
***
The rapid sound of a heartbeat filled the air, almost like a horse galloping along at a fast pace. Brittney’s eyes glistened with unshed tears as she looked at me and I smiled back at her, gently squeezing her hand.
Truth be told, I was having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that she was pregnant; but this moment, hearing that beautiful sound, suddenly drove everything home for me. I was going to be a dad! Brittney and I were creating a new life together.
Nervousness gripped me, and I felt completely insecure. Was I good enough to be a dad? My dad had been amazing, but I’d made lots of bad choices after his death. Grandpa had certainly been a wonderful role model, too. My heart ached, missing both of them. I wished they were still here to give me some advice. I wanted to do right by Brittney and this baby.
Then the whole idea of supporting a family had me worried. Brittney had been patiently supporting me through all the problems I’d gone through, but I needed to make some hard choices. Should I keep trying for the football career, or get a different, steadier job? It was as if my entire perspective on life had just made a huge shift. Things that once seemed so important, all of a sudden weren’t.
“Are you okay?” Brittney asked, bringing me back to the present, and I realized I must have been frowning. Quickly, I smiled at her.
“I’m fine. I think the reality of this baby thing just sunk in.”
“But you are happy about it?” Little worry lines creased between her eyebrows and I knew she was concerned.
Bending, I kissed her on those worry lines. “I couldn’t be happier,” I replied.
Chapter Seventeen
“Chase. Chase. I miss you.” Nikki’s voice filtered into my sleep, causing me to wake up. As soon as I opened my eyes, my ears started ringing, accompanied by an excruciating headache. Sitting up carefully, so I wouldn’t disturb Brittney, I rubbed at my temples and the back of my neck, trying to ease the incessant pounding.
Despite the pain in my head, the pain in my heart was worse. I could still hear her soft words in my mind. My subconscious seemed to remember everything about her, with clarity.
Despite all the time she’d been gone, I could still feel her with me, connected somehow. I wasn’t sure how, or why, but it was making me feel slightly crazy. Why was I all of a sudden becoming so reattached to her again? I knew I would always love her—she was my first love; but it was more than that. She had been everything to me, giving me a world that I wanted to live in again. The ache of losing her would be something I carried with me for the rest of my life.
Getting up, I wandered into the bathroom, digging through the medicine cabinet for some painkillers, before heading to the kitchen for some water. I popped the pills and sat the glass down on the counter, staring off at nothing.
What the hell was the matter with me? My life was amazing. Yes, the road had been a bit on the bumpy side lately, but I still had my beautiful wife. Soon, I’d have a beautiful child, too. I had loving family to go home to—so why the constant connection with Nikki?
I’d lost my father and my grandfather, and while I still felt connected to them, as well, their deaths didn’t affect me nearly as badly as Nikki’s. Maybe it was because she’d felt like my soul mate. For whatever reason, I couldn’t get past my grief from losing her.
Memories of time spent together flitted through my mind. Moments of laughter, cuddling, and some extremely hot make-out sessions, threatened to overwhelm me. I not only missed her as my girlfriend, but as my friend, too. She was so easy to talk to. I’d spent hours with her wrapped up in my arms as we talked aimlessly, effortlessly, together. She had truly become my best friend.
I wondered about what my life would be like right now, if she’d lived. Would we have stayed together? Would we be married? Would we have kids of our own? I know I wanted that with her, badly. r />
Just thinking of these things brought on the guilt. I loved Brittney, too. She’d been able to reach me in a way that no one else could, when I most desperately needed it. My love for her was intense, but still felt different from what I’d experienced with Nikki. I guess that was to be expected though. No one feels exactly the same about any person they meet.
“Chase? Are you all right?” Brittney’s soft voice came from behind me and I turned to face her.
“Yeah, I’m fine. I just woke up with a really bad headache and got up to take something for it.” Reaching out, I pulled her to me, wrapping my arms around her. I loved the way she fit right under my chin and how her hair always smelled like strawberries. My hands drifted over the silkiness of the short nightgown she was wearing, moving past it to slide over her bare legs.
She moaned against my chest. “That feels good.”
That was all the encouragement I needed. Picking her up, I sat her on the counter and she opened her legs so I could step between them.
“Kiss me,” I said, running my hand over her pale blonde hair that glowed in the dim moonlight that filtered in from the window.
Smiling softly, she leaned forward, pressing her lips to mine and wrapping her arms around my neck. I wanted to lose myself in her. I wanted to forget about everything else and, for one moment in time, simply be Brittney and Chase—the only two people who mattered in the world.
She moaned as I deepened the kiss, my hands traveling down to grab the edge of her nightgown. I broke the kiss, to pull it off over her head, letting it drift silently to the floor.
Grinning, she rubbed her hands over my shoulders as my hands molded and skimmed over the luscious curves of her body, the heat of desire pooling straight to my core.
“Kitchen sex, huh? Is that what you’re wanting?”