Chapter Two
A NEW HOME
Uncle Stewart’s charcoal gray Buick sedan had pulled up to the curb when I came out. The sky was gray and sprinkling early April rain, so I was relieved he pulled up rather than parking in the lot and making me walk.
“How was it?” he asked, as soon as I was safely inside. He was wearing a black fleece with his company’s logo over a white oxford shirt and pleated chinos. It was his work outfit. He had just gotten off.
“Pretty good,” I answered, deciding to simplify things. In reality, my mind was in a million places and I felt like my body had been emptied of tears.
He nodded, pursed his lips, and began driving me the twenty minutes home. My uncle was typically a quiet man, so for him to even ask me about my appointment was a little unusual. He and my aunt were very worried about the way I’d been acting since I got back to their house. I could almost hear my aunt asking me delicately if I might be sleeping too much.
I looked over to see if he was going to say anything more, but his eyes were focused on the road. Uncle Stewart was a salesman who had to do a lot of driving for meetings. Normally he appeared very comfortable behind the wheel, but today he was a little more on edge. His forehead had wrinkled and his grip on the steering wheel was viselike.
I decided to tell him a little more to see if he would relax. “I think Dr. Schwartz actually gave me a lot to think about,” I said, trying to sound cheerful.
“Good!” he said, glancing over at me before returning his eyes to the road. I couldn’t tell for sure, but it did seem like he relaxed a little bit.
I turned to look out the window. Living with my aunt and uncle had its smothering moments, but I was glad to have somewhere to go. They loved me as one of their own, and I was very thankful for that.
I got back to thinking about what Dr. Schwartz had said. Was I thinking about Hunter the wrong way? I wished I knew what he was dealing with, but he’d refused to tell me. Whatever it was, it was in the past now.
I let out a deep breath. “What’s for dinner?” I asked my uncle.
“Not sure what your aunt is cooking,” he said. “Probably won’t be ready for a while though. She just got home. Joel and Billy had something after school and she was helping out.”
He seemed to think for a moment. “If you’re hungry we can stop for something on the way home.”
I shook my head. “No, that’s okay. I don’t want to fill up before dinner.”
“Are you sure? You haven’t been eating much lately.”
His words made my stomach sink and I grimaced. My poor aunt and uncle were obsessively worried about me. “Yes, I’m sure,” I said. “Eating Aunt Caroline’s home cooking will make me feel better than stuffing my face with fast food.”
He shrugged. “You’re right. Just trying to make sure you don’t feel like we’re starving you, that’s all.”
I laughed. My aunt was constantly pushing food on me. Anything so long as it was rich and smelled good. I just hadn’t been hungry since I’d gotten back from Studsen. “Not sure how I could ever think that.”
My uncle smiled. “Looks like talking to Dr. Schwartz really did help. This is the most lively I’ve seen you since you came back.”
I pursed my lips. “Yeah, maybe. I still have a lot to figure out.”
He seemed to consider this. “Okay. Well, your aunt and I just want the best for you. If there’s anything we can do to help, we will.”
It was my turn to nod. This wasn’t the first time we’d had this talk. “Okay. Thank you. I’ll let you guys know if there’s anything you can do. Right now I think I just need a little space to think.”
“Okay. If there’s anything else, don’t hesitate.”
I turned and looked out the window at the passing houses, each one mostly like the last. The roads were still wet, but it looked like the rain had at least stopped. In fact, the sun was even beginning to peek out. I was pretty sure we were getting close to the Perkins house. Or home, I still couldn’t decide. I didn’t really have a place that felt like home at that moment.
How long was I going to be living in Eltingville with my aunt and uncle? It was wonderful to be able to come back here when I was having a hard time, but I couldn’t stay forever. At some point I had to become a self-sustaining adult with a life of my own, even if I never totally got over what happened to my parents.
This was a rut I needed to get out of, and part of getting out was going to be cutting myself free of everything unresolved that had happened in the last few months. There was no point in having yet more baggage dragging me down. Maybe talking to Hunter one more time would be for the best.
I took a deep breath, my heart racing already at the prospect. “Actually there is one thing. I should probably get a new phone soon, so I don’t completely lose touch with the friends I made at school.”
“Good idea,” my uncle said quickly. “Maybe we can go to the store after dinner tonight. If not tonight, tomorrow. Don’t want to keep you from your friends.”
“Sounds great,” I said, leaning back in my chair. “Thanks so much.”
A chill ran through my body. Was it too late to work stuff out with Hunter? Probably, but I could at least make sure he was okay. There might even be a chance to find out what had happened the last couple weeks. Maybe I could call him the next day. Or that weekend. Soon, anyway.
We turned onto the street the Perkins lived on. I was feeling pretty hungry, actually. Maybe I would have a tiny snack before dinner. Just some chips or something. Nothing big. I didn’t know what the Perkins family usually had for snacks.
“Wonder whose car that is,” my uncle said.
I snapped out of my dreams of salty goodness and looked out the window. There was a beat-up old car the size of a small boat parked in front of the Perkins house.
My stomach churned with dread. I knew who it was before we even pulled up.
He was standing at the front door talking with Aunt Caroline, his head down. From the expression on my aunt’s face, the conversation looked serious.
It could only be one person.
Chapter Three
HEALTHY
I opened the door and got out of the car shakily. Hunter turned around.
My insides dropped in freefall. I blinked, and an image of the last time I saw him flashed through my mind. He looked better now, but a bandage stretched across the bridge of his nose and there were multiple cuts in various stages of healing on his face. The skin around his left eye was a deep shade of purple.
Under the weight of all the emotion, I had trouble standing up. I leaned against the door of the car to stay upright. What should I say? I wanted to run into his arms and bury my face in his chest and flee the scene all at the same time. How did he find me? Why was he here?
“Hunter . . . ”
His name caught in my throat and came out half-mumbled. I tried again to say it more clearly but found I couldn’t keep my voice steady. I didn’t want to burst into tears. Not now. Not yet.
His glimmering eyes met mine, a boyish smile tinged with sadness crinkling his face. “Hey,” he said quietly.
I bit my lip, casting my eyes downward.
Uncle Stewart cleared his throat uncomfortably. “Looks like you kids have a lot to talk about. I’ll be inside with your aunt.”
He gave a curt nod to Hunter before walking into the house. I watched Uncle Stewart leaving with a mixed feeling of relief and dread. Aunt Caroline gave me a smile and encouraging nod.
Hunter and I would be alone. We were finally getting a chance to talk. Before I left Studsen, I thought that this was what I wanted, but now that the moment was here, I wanted desperately to run away.
I swallowed and took a shuddering breath. Lips trembling, I tried again. “Hunter, I—”
It felt like my throat was swollen, and I just couldn’t get the rest of the words out. Warm tears welled in my eyes, streaking down my face.
Hunter took a few long strides and was suddenly in
front of me, enveloping me in his scent. His arms wrapped around me tightly and held me to his body.
The familiarity of being in his embrace drove spikes of pain and regret through my heart. I pushed him away gently after a moment and searched his eyes.
Hunter brought the back of his hand up to my face, tenderly smearing away the wetness. “I’m sorry for this,” he said, his voice choked with emotion. “I’m sorry I made you so upset. Please give me a chance. I—I know I don’t deserve it.”
Words started tumbling out of my mouth, tripping over each other. “I’m sorry,” I slurred, the tears falling faster. “I’m so sorry . . . I wanted to stay and talk and I went to your place and then I waited but—”
He held on to me tighter and I buried my face into his soft hoodie again.
“I never meant to leave you like that after your fight,” I continued. “I failed all my classes and I was confused and I didn’t know what to do but you weren’t there and then Gary said . . . ”
Hunter held me close, rocking me slightly, not saying anything. My tears dampened the fabric of his hoodie, spreading to form a large wet spot. I could feel the warmth of his body seeping through his clothing, enveloping me.
His voice rumbled softly through his chest, like low thunder. “It wasn’t your fault. I shoulda been there for you, I shoulda told you what was going on but . . . I just—”
He sighed and shook his head.
I held onto him for a moment longer and then looked up into his face. His eyes were bright, even though his face was battered.
“Can we walk a bit?” he asked.
I nodded, sniffling and still recovering from the shock of seeing him. The pulse pounding through my ears was almost deafening. There were so many questions running through my head, so much I didn’t understand.
Why had he come out of the hospital with Ada? Had he been hurt? How come he didn’t tell me? Why had Hunter been fighting the day I left Studsen? Was it because of the breakup letter I left him? If it was, then why was he being so sweet to me now?
Hunter grabbed my hand and we walked down the path behind Aunt Caroline’s house, which led to a light wooded area. The sensation of his skin against mine jolted through me and almost led to another fresh round of tears. Touching him was a painful reminder of what we had lost, but I didn’t want to pull my hand away.
We continued walking slowly in silence for a while until we were deeper into the woods. The mid-afternoon sunlight streamed through the trees, making patterns on the ground. The leaves on the trees were budding fresh for springtime, and there was a chill in the air. It almost reminded me of the area around Lake Teewee where I had first met Hunter.
He looked over at me and smiled sadly. His lips parted as if to say something, but he shook his head and looked away. It was stupid, but my eyes immediately flicked to his lips, wanting to feel them on mine again. I blinked away the stinging in my eyes.
It broke my heart to have him treat me so well after how things between us had ended. I wanted him to yell at me, to blame me, to hate me. At least that would have been easier to understand.
We finally stopped at a clearing. Hunter let go of my hand and sat down on a small rock. I sat down on the larger one opposite him. Our knees were only inches apart, and the slight warmth of his legs against mine made me anxious.
“Gary said you came to the fight,” he said. “I guess you saw everything, huh?”
Thinking about the fight was painful. Images of Hunter’s broken body falling to the mat flashed through my mind. I closed my eyes and sucked in a deep breath, refusing to let myself cry. “I saw the end of it. Why did you take that fight last minute? Gary said it was my fault.”
A tortured mix of emotions contorted his face. “No, it was my fault. I thought I’d lost you and needed to take out my anger. I thought I could take the guy and didn’t really care if I couldn’t. I wanted to try. Needed to.”
My vision blurred as fresh tears came to my eyes. I blinked them away. “I’m sorry I left, Hunter, but I—I just couldn’t stay in Studsen anymore.”
“I don’t blame you for leaving the way you did. After the dumbass way I handled things, I don’t blame you at all.”
I didn’t say anything. Maybe he didn’t blame me, but I was at least partially responsible. I let out a deep breath and the air fogged lightly in front of me. Hunter didn’t say anything, but I didn’t know what else to say either. My fingers tingled with anxiety. I knew he didn’t drive to Indiana to take a walk with me. We sat in silence, listening to the sporadic chirping of birds.
After a while he exhaled sharply and shifted on the rock he was perched on. “Listen Lorrie, that day when you saw Ada and I coming outta the hospital, I wasn’t trying to avoid you.”
I looked away from him, remembering the frustration I had felt that day. “I waited at your place for hours, Hunter.”
When I turned back to him, his face looked pained. “I went to look for you and I couldn’t find you, so I freaked out,” he said, his eyes searching mine. “Then I went over to Gary’s to talk about what to do, and we ended up getting wasted.”
I shook my head in disbelief. It was so stupid. I was waiting in his apartment for him and he was out looking for me everywhere else. Then, rather than come home, he got drunk with his friend. “Okay, fine, but why were you in the hospital with Ada in the first place? Did something happen to you? Are you—are you okay?”
“Huh? Yeah, I’m fine.” Hunter’s grey eyes darted to me and then away. His shoulders were tense as he took a deep breath and bent over to pick up a thin twig from the ground. “I mean . . . well, no. Not exactly.”
My throat thickened. Not exactly? What did that mean? Hunter played with the twig, drawing lines in the soft peat, still avoiding eye contact. I waited patiently, watching him, while my mind raced through thousands of improbable scenarios.
Hunter snapped the twig in his hand.
“Lorrie, I have MS. Multiple sclerosis. It’s a disease . . . It’s not curable, but it can be treated, only . . . ” he trailed off, a pained grimace on his face.
Ice gripped my stomach and my head felt like it was about to float away. I watched him carefully, waiting for him to say more. My hands involuntarily rose to my mouth. MS? Multiple sclerosis?
Hunter hadn’t changed his posture, but suddenly he looked different. I always took comfort in the size of his body, feeling safe in his presence. Now I saw the worry etched on his face, the tired slump in his shoulders and the pain in his eyes. Tattoos and Muscles. Tim. “The Hammer.” An MS patient.
Sharp spikes of pain lanced through my chest and I felt my heart breaking for him. This wasn’t fair. Hunter didn’t deserve this.
“I had no idea,” I choked out, hot tears springing uncontrollably from my eyes.
“Hey, don’t cry Lorrie. I’m the one who’s dying,” he said, a lopsided smile trembling on his lips. Typical Hunter. Even now, he had to tell his stupid jokes.
“That’s not funny,” I shot at him. The smile faded from his face, leaving only the sadness in his eyes.
“Sorry,” he mumbled. “Bad joke.”
Other than the injuries from his fight, he looked mostly in good health, but how long would it last? I didn’t know much, but I was pretty sure multiple sclerosis could be debilitating. It was one of those diseases like Parkinson’s that you really didn’t want to have. When did he find out? Why hadn’t he told me earlier?
“That day you ran into us outside the hospital, I had just gotten discharged. I had a flare-up, but I’m fine now.”
It was another revelation that felt like a slap to the face. That was why he had been in the hospital. Waves of guilt washed over me. Hunter had been hospitalized while I was trying to recover from the shock of receiving Marco’s letter. I had been upset at Hunter because he wasn’t there for me, when in reality, he was struggling with something worse. I swallowed thickly, feeling nauseated.
“When did you get diagnosed?” I asked, wiping the tears that kept fall
ing from my face.
“Sophomore year.”
“And Ada knows about it?”
He sighed. “Yeah, we were dating when I found out.”
A fresh pang of pain clutched around my heart. He hadn’t trusted me enough to tell me, so much that he went to his ex for help. Who else knew about it? Was I the only one in the dark? Is that why everyone else seemed to know what was going on except for me?
“Who else knows?”
“Just Gary.”
I pursed my lips. So Gary had been hiding it from me too. “Why didn’t you call me? I would have gone to the hospital with you!”
“I was afraid—” he paused to take several deep breaths and then started over, “This disease has taken away everything from me and when I thought there was nothing left for it to take . . .”
The muscles in his jaw tightened and then relaxed. “I met you.”
He took my hand and squeezed it. “I saw that you were dealing with so much pain, so I wanted to be your rock. I didn’t want you to pity me and just see me as some sick dying patient!”
Heavy puffs of his warm breath rose from him. His eyes were full and glistening with emotion.
“I wouldn’t have . . . ” I started to say that I wouldn’t have looked at him that way, but my voice trailed off when I realized that was a lie. Just moments ago when he had told me about his condition, that was exactly how I had started to see him.
When I was at school, a lot of people tiptoed around me like I was going to have a breakdown any moment. Hunter was different. He had treated me like I was still a real person, not a pity case. Maybe I was still struggling with how I was coming to terms with Hunter’s condition, but I was determined to see through it to the real man underneath.
“Hunter, I understand why you were worried, but you didn’t even give me a chance. I told you all of my secrets. Why did you keep this from me? I never would have even left Studsen if I knew!”