My heart pounded in helpless fury at the stupid things we did and could never take back. I was angry at Hunter and I was angry at myself.
He shook his head vigorously. “I wanted to help you with your pain, not add my problems to yours. That’s why you had to leave Studsen, isn’t it? Because something happened? I woulda never forgave myself if I was the only reason you stayed.”
“But why? I thought we were supposed to be a team. We were supposed to save each other!”
I stomped my foot, shaking up some of the dirt on the ground. Hunter held his other hand to the side of my face and leaned in until our foreheads were touching. His gray eyes were soft liquid pools I wanted to drown in. “We can still save each other. Just give us a chance.”
I let out a choked sob, unable to stand looking at his hopeful expression. His breath blew softly against my face as his chest rose and fell. Hunter was dealing with a horrible disease without a cure, and I was still no closer to moving on from how my parents died. I knew I loved him. I just didn’t know if our love was something that could work with everything else in our lives.
“How can we save each other if you won’t even ask for help when you need it?” I asked weakly.
He shook his head desperately. “You don’t know how sorry I am, Lorrie,” he said. He looked up to the sky and took a deep breath. “What we had was something special, and I ruined it. I know I shoulda told you sooner. Knew it then too, I think.”
No. Hunter wasn’t the only one who ruined it. I was responsible too. I tried to be normal and have a normal life, but I messed it up. Even before everything fell apart, I knew that what was happening between us would lead to disaster. And now that I knew about Hunter’s condition, would I even be strong enough to help him deal with it?
Gary’s voice broke into my thoughts. You’re no good for each other.
I turned my head away from Hunter and he let his hand drop. “That’s not the only problem. I care about you, and I want you to be okay, but when we were together . . . maybe everything wasn’t as perfect as you thought it was.”
“What are you talking about?” he asked, concern furrowing his brow.
I pulled my hand away from him. “We stayed in your apartment for days just so we could have more sex! How was that healthy? We were hiding from reality!”
“How many people have had to deal with the things we’re going through?” he shot back. “Don’t you think we deserved a little break?”
“Not like that! A little break could become a permanent vacation for us. Everyone else around us saw it, but we were so deep into each other that we didn’t see what was happening.”
His voice rose. “Who did you hear that from? Was it Ada? I swear to God, if she’s trying to fuck with you―”
I slapped my hands against my thighs in anger. “No! Stop it! This isn’t about Ada or anybody else! It’s about us. Don’t you see? We could have avoided this mess.”
He stared at me for several seconds, breathing hard. “Yeah, I know,” he said finally. His eyes moved from my face back to the gray sky. “I fucked it up, but I’m trying to make it right.”
I thought about what had happened after I’d received Marco’s letter.
“No, it’s not just you. It’s me too. We’re like two people drowning. We weren’t careful and got our limbs tangled together and then we both sank to the bottom!”
“Lorrie, it’s not like that―”
“Yes it is!” I yelled. “Look at what happened to us. You took a fight and got beaten up right after you came out of the hospital.”
“It wasn’t your fault,” Hunter continued to protest.
“It was my fault! And it was your fault too! It was our fault!”
My breaths were coming quickly now, almost panting. It looked like my words were slowly sinking in and I could tell he was trying to think about it.
I tried to steady myself. “It’s not that I don’t care about you, or that I don’t want to be with you. I just don’t know if we can make it work without hurting each other.”
He sighed and ran his hands through his hair, making it messier. “Fine, maybe it was our fault. We got a little too intense. But you know what Lorrie? I’ve never felt anything like being with you. I know you feel the same way too. That’s gotta be something right?”
His looked at me, his eyes expectant and challenging, but I didn’t know how to face him. I looked down at my shoes, trying to put into words how I felt.
“I don’t know,” I said, sighing deeply. Nothing made sense. I was drained and exhausted and I didn’t want to argue anymore. When I woke up that morning, I thought I would never see Hunter again. Now, he was here in front of me, had a horrible illness, and wanted to work things out. My temples were pounding and I could barely even think straight.
He took my hand in his. “Please, Lorrie. We can do this.”
I massaged my forehead, but it did nothing to ease the pounding pain. I didn’t know if what Hunter wanted was possible or not, but we couldn’t just keep pushing each other away. If I’d learned anything the past couple months, it was that Hunter and I couldn’t be just friends. Keeping each other at arm’s length would only lead to more pain. Still, how could we build something healthy together?
Hunter was still looking at me, his face open and hopeful.
Dr. Schwartz thought that we might be good for each other, but our first try at a relationship had ended in disaster. Still, I didn’t doubt that he loved me. He wouldn’t have come all the way out here if he didn’t.
Now that he had confided his secret to me, I couldn’t just turn my back on him. Not when he needed me most. How could I give up on Hunter when he refused to give up on us? I didn’t know if I was strong enough to help him carry his burdens, but I had to try.
I looked away into the woods for a few moments, trying to think of what to say. I wanted to give Hunter a chance, but I needed to make sure he understood that we couldn’t do it the same way again this time.
“I don’t want to use each other to hide from our problems,” I said finally. “I don’t want to keep hiding and running anymore.”
I watched him carefully for his reaction.
“We won’t,” he said. “We’ll face them together.”
His eyes were open and eager, but I wasn’t sure if he really understood what I meant.
“If we’re going to save each other, you can’t look at me like I’m always the one who needs rescuing,” I said. “That’s―”
“Lorrie, I―”
I had to get it out now, while I still could. “No! Please let me finish. The reason I left Studsen wasn’t because of you, but if you told me the truth, none of this would’ve happened.”
Hunter swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down. “I’m sorry. No more secrets. I promise.”
I stared into his eyes and my heart melted for him. Dealing with his MS had to be so hard. Constantly worrying about his health. The fear that he might be stuck in a hospital bed for the rest of his life . . . or worse. It would have been so easy for him to never see me again after how I ended things, but he decided to drive hours to come here to try to work things out.
“Okay,” I said finally.
His face brightened and he threw his arms around my shoulders, hugging me against his massive body.
I leaned into him for a moment before pulling back to look into his eyes. “We have to go slow this time, though. We have a lot of things to think about. All of this . . . all of this is so much for me. I thought I’d never see you again, and now you’re here.”
My pulse started to speed up. “If we go too fast and don’t think about how to make this healthy, we’ll make a mess of things, and this time I just know that it’ll be worse.”
He nodded slowly, squeezing my hand tighter. “We’ll go slow, Lorrie.”
I hoped that he had the self-control to do what I asked, because I didn’t know if I had it. His lips were just a few inches away, but I closed my eyes, grateful that he just wa
nted to hug me for now.
We held onto each other for a few minutes and my headache slowly faded to a dull throb. When I felt like I was back on earth again, the concerns of the wider world started to come back.
“What are you doing about your classes?” I asked him.
“I can miss a few classes. You’re more important than that.”
I frowned. Hunter was pretty smart, but I didn’t like that he was skipping classes. I decided to leave that up to him for now. Still though, I wanted to make sure we were clear. “You can’t hurt yourself for me Hunter. Are you going to be okay, you know, after being in the hospital?”
“Yeah, I’m fully recovered now. I even brought my prescriptions, so if I gotta stay a little longer, I’ll be fine here. There’s motel a few miles away. I’ll just crash there for the night.”
I nodded and we sat there for a moment, holding each other.
“Listen,” he said, “I know you’ve got a lot to think about, but can I see you tomorrow?”
It had been a long day. Having some time to think about it and talk after a good night’s sleep sounded like a positive step to me.
I put my head on his shoulder. “Yeah. I’d like that.”
Letting out a deep breath that I hadn’t realized that I‘d been holding, I wiped my eyes with the sleeve of my shirt. We sat in silence for another few minutes. Dr. Schwartz had been right about Hunter. It wasn’t over for us yet.
After a while I realized it was starting to get dark. How long had we been out here? The last time I had been in these woods for too long, Aunt Caroline had called the police because she thought I’d disappeared. That definitely didn’t need to happen again.
“Let’s head back to the house,” I said, standing up and dusting my pants off. “I don’t want my aunt to worry about us.”
Hunter didn’t say much as we walked back to the house so I gave him his space. He seemed thoughtful, which comforted me. If we were going to make it, we needed to be on the same page.
The world had thrown us into the deep end, and we were both just trying to keep our heads above water. He had rescued me from drowning once, before he even knew me. Now that all of our secrets were in the open, was it even possible for us to save each other?
Even though I was terrified of the fallout if we failed, I was happy we still had a chance.
Chapter Four
AWKWARD
We returned to the driveway by the same path we had walked into the woods, the dim light fading fast in the sky.
When we got to the front of the house where Hunter’s car was parked, he turned to me. “Hey, don’t be mad, but I have something to show you.”
He went to the back of the the beat-up blue car and beckoned me over. I followed him, curious. Then he pointed into the dirty windows of the backseat. I shrugged and peered in, not knowing what to expect. The thin layer of dust on the window made it hard to see anything—especially in the low light—but then I spotted it.
In the backseat was a large cardboard box covered in a blue blanket made of thick wool. A tiny fuzzy tail poked out from underneath.
“Oh my god! Why did you bring them all the way here?”
He shrugged boyishly. “Dunno. I figured you might wanna see your babies.”
“Were they okay on the drive over?” I asked, a little worried that the kittens had spent hours in the car.
“Yeah, no problems at all. They mostly just slept.”
I shook my head, but even in my exhausted state I had trouble keeping a smile from my face. The little tail poking out wiggled a bit and then disappeared under the blanket.
“Why didn’t you just leave them in Studsen and have Gary take care of them?”
“Gary’s been pretty busy with his frat, and besides, I figured they’re our responsibility. Don’t worry, I made sure they were comfortable during the ride.”
Judging from the fact that the six little monsters were all asleep at the moment, they must’ve been just fine.
The front door to the house opened and a splash of light illuminated us. Aunt Caroline stood in the driveway.
“Dinner’s ready!” she called. “Hunter, why don’t you come in and join us?”
My spine straightened. I’d been ready to say goodbye to Hunter and regroup on my own. We’d just started to work things out, and I didn’t relish the prospect of an awkward family dinner before we could spend more time talking alone. Plus, Uncle Stewart could be pretty conservative. I wasn’t sure how open he would be to anyone dropping in on the family, never mind someone who looked like Hunter.
Hunter turned quickly to her and stood up straighter himself. “Hi Ms. Perkins,” he said. “Lorrie and I just finished talking. I’m sorry I kept her so late.”
Aunt Caroline brushed it off. “Oh don’t worry about it! Now come inside, so I can fill you up.”
I opened my mouth to protest, but decided against it. Spending more time with Hunter would be good, and if my aunt wanted to invite him, she had to figure Uncle Stewart sharing a dinner table with Hunter wouldn’t be too awkward.
Hunter seemed to consider, then his face screwed up into a sheepish grin. “Well, the thing is, the kittens are actually in the car, and I didn’t want to bring them in and mess up your place.”
After he said that, it was pretty much a done deal. Aunt Caroline practically squealed. “You brought the kittens? Bring them in! I’m sure the boys would love playing with them.”
When my aunt first invited him to dinner I thought she was just being polite, but now I didn’t know what was going on. She was being very insistent. Hunter looked to me, the question in his eyes. I smiled and nodded.
“Thank you, Ms. Perkins,” he said, opening the back door of his car to pick up the box of kittens.
My aunt smiled at me as I walked in after Hunter, but I could already feel tightness building up between my shoulder blades. She was definitely up to something. I just didn’t know what that was.
All I could do was hope for the best.
We were seated in the kitchen because the dining room was being redone. It made things pretty cramped with six people, but we managed. Hunter and I had brought the kittens in from the car. Now they were in a box in the corner of the room. Most of them were sleeping, but Taylor and Rampage—the two usual troublemakers—were out of their box and exploring their newest environment.
This could not have been more distracting for my cousins. They were already antsy, being nine and eleven, but the introduction of the kittens took their usual energy to a new level. The high-pitched screams that resulted did nothing to help my nerves.
Hunter, for his part, seemed to be handling everything without missing a beat. He was joking around with my cousins and generally being as charming as I’d ever seen him. Maybe more so. He hadn’t struck me as much of the kids type, but apparently, I was wrong.
We sat down to an Aunt Caroline specialty: pork chops and a crunchy sweet potato casserole with a side of green beans. Hunter’s eyes got big as she set the plates down in the center of the table.
“Wow, looks like you guys eat well,” he said as everyone got situated.
My uncle smiled from his place at the head of the table to my left. “Caroline is quite the cook.”
Aunt Caroline took her seat at the other end of the table and we began passing around the food. I went first and passed to my uncle.
“Well I’m thankful to have a family of good eaters,” my aunt said. “Hunter, you’re a good eater, right?”
Hunter tore his eyes from the food being passed around and faced my aunt. “Yup. I hope I’m not being a burden here. You probably weren’t expecting company.”
Aunt Caroline shook her head and served Hunter’s plate before hers. It was a big helping. “Oh don’t worry about that. There’s plenty of food to go around and we’re happy to have you.”
She was in the middle of finally serving herself when her head snapped to her right. “Joel! No feeding the kittens people food! It’ll make them sick.”
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I had no idea how she saw that. She seemed to have eyes in the back of her head. Joel, the guilty party, looked suitably ashamed of himself and went back to picking at the food on his plate with his eyes down. I started eating. The food was delicious, and the more I ate the more I realized how hungry I was.
Uncle Stewart looked undisturbed by the episode. His attention was focused on Hunter. Uncle Stewart eyed him carefully, apparently sizing him up. “Where did you get the kittens, Hunter?”
There was a pause as Hunter chewed his food. “Rescued them,” he said once he had swallowed. “They were in a box on the side of the road. I was running to the gym when I saw the box and decided I had to save them. Lorrie was a huge help from the start, actually.”
My uncle nodded with a small smile on his face, seemingly amused by that answer. I couldn’t get a read on his opinion of Hunter. “Good for you. Did they do that to your face?”
I cringed and put my fork down harder than I meant to, causing it to clink loudly against the plate. This was exactly what I was worried about. How were we going to explain that Hunter got injured in a cage fight? My eyes shot back and forth as I prayed nobody had noticed my clumsiness.
They hadn’t, or at least they weren’t showing it. Aunt Caroline and Uncle Stewart were focused on Hunter, and the boys were busy with their food. I panicked, trying to come up with an excuse to give my uncle for Hunter’s injuries, but I was too exhausted from the day to come up with anything good.
Hunter paused a second, then pointed to his face and laughed. “What, this? No, the kittens aren’t that vicious yet. I fell down the stairs in front of my apartment, actually. Trying to carry a coffee table inside. Stupid.”
My eyes flew over to my uncle.
He winced theatrically. “Did the table survive?”
Hunter met his gaze without flinching. “It was still in the box. Got it at an IKEA. So yeah, it was fine. A lot better than I was.”
“You look like you go to the gym quite a bit,” my aunt said, changing the subject.