As a hawk, Eric wasn’t bothered by the elements; Miami was sultry, but cooling rains eased any discomfort Eric might notice. Food was plentiful; he enjoyed lizards in addition to rodents, and other creatures left him alone, mostly due to his bulk. Birds of prey roamed the skies, but Eric was the largest of them all.
It was his size that Laurie found the most odd, not that he’d had experience with hawks or any other kind of fowl. Yet this bird was enormous, and it seemed very happy to rest near Seth’s room. Sometimes Laurie found it near his car, yet it never seemed menacing, although Laurie had observed it killing smaller creatures, mostly lizards. Laurie told his aunt and uncle about the bird, and Sheila asked if there was any way Laurie could direct the hawk to their house. Lizards still climbed the screens, but Laurie smiled, noting that the hawk seemed to have found a home at the Kerr Hospital. Mickey and Sheila said little, for neither of them wanted to talk about their nephew. But Laurie found the hawk fascinating, and he didn’t mind speaking about Seth. For the first time, Laurie carried no fears about his cousin’s health. Perhaps it was being far from Brooklyn, maybe Norah had altered Laurie’s thoughts. Or was it that this time whether Seth lived or died wasn’t only on Laurie’s shoulders; a massive hawk had taken a distinct interest in Seth and Laurie was happy to share that weight.
Laurie had explained the hawk to his mother and aunt, for it was an interesting anecdote that lightened their otherwise staid conversations. With Stanford, Laurie extrapolated about the bird, but didn’t delve into Seth’s condition. Stanford was vacillating about traveling south, and Laurie didn’t pressure him. It would be hard for the men to spend time together, and there was nothing that Stan could offer Seth in the way of healing. Laurie missed Stanford desperately, and knew Stan felt the same. But for the time being, it was best that they remain apart. Laurie’s tenure in Florida wasn’t going to be a long-term situation; Seth was going to move forward or….
As Laurie drove to the hospital, he pondered that concept. Had the hawk provided Laurie with a clearer vision than he’d previously possessed, was Norah’s involvement a turning point, or maybe it was simply being away from New York, although Laurie hadn’t felt like this in Minneapolis. In the Midwest, he’d harbored that ages-old sense of sameness, that for the rest of the cousins’ lives Seth would always be unwell and Laurie would constantly be picking up the pieces. Or maybe Laurie had appropriated that role for himself as though by taking it on, Seth would live. But that wasn’t Laurie’s job, even if he remained in Miami for the unforeseeable future. Stanford had gently pressed for Laurie’s return date, and while Laurie hadn’t given him one, it wasn’t as if that date loitered aimlessly above them. It was near to Laurie’s grasp, but he wouldn’t venture a guess whether or not Seth was on the trip home with him. Laurie reached the hospital, parking in the back of the lot, where few cars waited. He liked the solitude and the chance to stretch his legs. And the walk later in the day, while hot, would give him another moment to reflect upon this temporary but important upheaval in his usual routine. His clients were being looked after by another dealer, Stan could manage even with Agatha on vacation. Laurie needed to write to Lynne, keeping her and Eric in the loop. But for now, Laurie’s main role was that of…. As he approached the building, he paused, staring at dark clouds on the horizon. He didn’t mind the rain, it was different. Then he glanced at the hospital; this time something was set to change.
He knew the desk clerks, but still gave his name and that of whom he was there to visit. The young man greeted Laurie with a smile, then noted that Seth was still in a session with Dr. Sellers. Laurie gazed around the lobby where others waited. “I’ll take a little walk, be back in fifteen minutes,” he said.
The receptionist nodded, then answered the ringing telephone. Laurie stepped to the entrance, taking his leave. He scanned the grounds, where patients were not allowed unless accompanied by staff. As far as Laurie knew, Seth had yet to step foot outside since he’d been admitted. And Laurie assumed that would remain the case until Seth either accepted the hawk, or was taken out in a manner which Laurie didn’t wish to consider.
The hawk’s arrival still reverberated within Laurie’s head as he made his way along the cracked sidewalk to the start of the parking lot. A stiff wind now blew and Laurie gazed back to the increasing clouds; he hadn’t cracked his windows, not wishing to return to the interior of Aunt Sheila’s car soaking wet. Laurie had offered to get a rental, but the Goldsmiths had insisted that Laurie use Sheila’s vehicle. He coordinated his hospital visits with Sheila’s schedule, giving himself a few hours to spend with a man who at first hadn’t seemed to care whether he lived or died. However, after the hawk’s arrival, Seth had grown upset, which to Laurie was positive. Dr. Sellers thought so too, although neither understood why Seth was so bothered by the bird, which Seth always addressed as he. Laurie assumed it was a substitute for someone Seth had known in Korea, someone perhaps like Sam’s best friend who hadn’t made it home. Neither Larry nor Josh, Laurie sighed, strolling through the parking lot. Who else had been lost, Laurie wondered, someone important that Seth had needed to forget. Yet, now that poor soul was causing Seth great consternation. About time, Laurie smirked, kicking some loose gravel. Small rocks flew into the air, landing with little thuds onto the concrete. Laurie thought of them as dead soldiers; Josh, Larry, and….
Somebody who now was a thorn in Seth’s side. Laurie turned to face the building; was Seth still speaking to Dr. Sellers, was Seth talking at all, Laurie mused. All Seth said to Laurie was to get that hawk out of there, get him away. Him…. Whoever this hawk was to Seth was the key. Laurie smiled at himself; not that healing Seth’s problems would be that simple, but maybe it wasn’t all to do with The Holocaust. Perhaps Korea figured just as prominently. Laurie began walking back to the building as raindrops started falling. Just as Laurie stepped inside, a thundercloud erupted, and a downpour started. People about to leave retook their seats, sighing as they did so. Laurie hid his smile, glad he’d made it back just in time.
He approached the desk, speaking with a different receptionist, who noted that Seth was available for visitors. The woman then took Laurie’s name, and the time of his arrival. A member of staff would check on Laurie and Seth in about twenty minutes, and would do so for the entirety of Laurie’s stay. The routine was the same every day, even down to Laurie stopping in the men’s room right before he reached where Seth waited. Laurie would knock once, as a warning. And as he did so that day, he felt a brief chill. Did Seth require that heads-up, or was Laurie in need of making the announcement?
“Hello,” Laurie said, opening the door. As it closed behind him, the familiar latch clicked, but this time Laurie heard it differently, more like the pop of a BB gun. He turned around, but nothing seemed amiss. Then he gazed at his cousin, who sat on the edge of his bed, not facing the window. Seth glanced Laurie’s way, but didn’t make eye contact. He was dressed in loose trousers and a long white shirt, his hair cut short. It had been getting lengthy, and Laurie wondered who had initiated the change.
“Hey, your hair looks good.” Laurie approached the bed, but wouldn’t sit beside Seth. Instead he pulled up a chair, then sat down, leaving a couple of feet between them. Laurie leaned back, hearing rain from outside. “I nearly got caught in the storm. Just beat it though. Was wandering around, waiting for….”
He hadn’t been looking for the hawk, just killing time. Kicking stones as if he was a kid, then Laurie smiled. Seth kept stealing peeks at the window, but all Laurie saw was a driving rain. He would stay until it passed, although maybe not all of that time would be spent sitting across from Seth. If Seth didn’t want to talk, Laurie wouldn’t press. He’d return to the lobby and watch the rain from there. Maybe the hawk would fly by, he smiled to himself. Or maybe that bird had found refuge elsewhere.
Laurie wanted to ask, he felt mischievous. He hadn’t felt this young in ages, maybe he needed to kick gravel more often or maybe…. “I wonder if that hawk found a dry
place to wait out the storm.”
Now Seth stared at Laurie, but his face was hard to read; Seth wanted to project anger, but curiosity lingered in his eyes. Laurie stood, then walked to the window. He scanned the area, but didn’t see any animals. “I hope he’s smart enough to not get soaked. I imagine he is though.” Laurie felt a little strange, referring to the bird as he, but maybe this way, Seth might elaborate. If nothing else, it felt better rolling off his tongue. That bird was too vital to be called it.
Laurie was reminded of how Lynne had always called Jane a she; rarely had Lynne said he, and Laurie wondered how Lynne considered the coming baby. Would the Snyders have another girl, he smiled, or perhaps a boy. “Easier to say he,” he said somewhat absently. Then he turned around, finding Seth still with his back to the window. “Did I tell you Eric and Lynne are expecting another baby?”
“What?” Seth whipped around, his eyes wide. “Lynne’s…. Oh my God, no!”
“No, it’s good.” Laurie sighed. “Seth, it’s all right, I mean, I guess everything’s fine.” Laurie walked back toward the bed, sitting across from where Seth still faced him. “Why is it bad for them to have another baby?”
Maybe whoever the hawk stood for had been a father, Laurie pondered, as Seth shook his head, not meeting Laurie’s gaze. Seth gripped the blanket and Laurie fought the urge to reach for Seth’s hand. He wanted to tell Seth that he now understood why the hawk possessed a masculine pronoun, but Seth trembled, deeply troubled by Laurie’s news.
“I’m sorry, maybe I shouldn’t have said anything. She’s not three months along yet, well, maybe she is.” Laurie did the math; there in early August, Lynne was almost four months along, which stunned him. Hadn’t they just learned this news, where had the last several weeks gone? Then Laurie gripped Seth’s quivering hand. Some had been spent near this man, but all of this time in Florida felt to Laurie like moments that would best be forgotten. Maybe all these years had been wasted, hoping Seth could reclaim some piece of sanity. Laurie peered around the room, another hospital room with bars on the window, the door locked from the outside. Then Laurie gazed at Seth, his hair cut like he was back in the army, or shorn like a….
“Who cut your hair?” Laurie spoke softly, still grasping Seth’s hand.
“I dunno. Somebody.” Seth’s voice was more of a croak. But he looked up, then for seconds met Laurie’s gaze. Then he stared toward the window, but Laurie had no idea if Seth was searching for the hawk.
“Who is he?” Laurie then asked. “You keep calling it a he. You can tell me Seth. We’re here to help you, but we can’t do that unless you talk about this.”
Seth nodded, but didn’t speak or make eye contact. Laurie nearly sighed aloud, but that wouldn’t be helpful. Yet he felt close to a small breakthrough; Seth had expressed dismay that the Snyders were having another child, the strongest emotion he’d exhibited since the hawk’s arrival.
“I love you and I wanna help, but my hands are tied unless you can talk about this.” Had Dr. Sellers said the same earlier, Laurie wondered. Probably, but in a more clinical manner. “Seth, Sam Ahern told me about his best friend, his name was Josh. And another man, Larry, but his real name was Lawrence.” Now Laurie smiled. “He said I looked more like a Laurie and that way he wouldn’t have gotten us mixed up. I know I wasn’t there, that I probably won’t understand, but that’s not the point. The point is you need to speak about these things, these people. They meant something to you and….”
Seth removed his hand from Laurie’s, then stood, walking to the window. Laurie turned around, watching his cousin place his hands on the panes, where outside water continued to pour down. Laurie wanted to join Seth; perhaps the hawk was waiting on the cement. But Laurie remained on the bed as Seth stood still.
“I know it was awful, God, that’s so weak. Seth, what do you remember, why did you….” Laurie bit his tongue; what possible reason had made this once-intuitive man even consider joining the army? Why had Sam enlisted, Laurie then wondered. He’d been married already, was it patriotism? Their generation had lived through the Second World War as teens, and while Laurie had been drafted, thank God it was nearly over by then. The idea of combat held no fascination, maybe that was due to his homosexuality. But why had Seth felt it necessary, what had he needed to prove?
Laurie stood, then slowly walked to where Seth remained. No animals could be seen, just water accumulating in puddles. Laurie glanced upward; a flat gray sky looked in no hurry to clear. “Seth, I’ve got time, I’m not going out in that mess. But if you can’t tell me, that’s okay. I want you to think about it, or maybe that’s all you think about.” Now Laurie let out an anguished sigh. “Maybe I should go, maybe….”
Seth gripped Laurie’s hand. “He’s out there, but he should go home. She needs him.”
“Who Seth? Tell me his name, can you do that?”
Seth shook his head, but still clutched Laurie’s hand. “The last place he should be is here.”
“Maybe, but he’s here for a reason, he’s here to help you.” Laurie scanned the small courtyard. “Maybe tomorrow we could go out and look for him. If it’s dry,” Laurie added with a smile.
“He needs to go home. She needs him.”
Laurie was taken aback at Seth’s worried tone. “Well, maybe he feels she’ll be okay without him. Personally, I think you need him more. You need to talk about him. Can you tell me his name?”
Laurie would never forget the way Sam had spoken about Josh from Mississippi, like that man had been in the next room playing cards. Laurie didn’t assume Sam had blithely forgotten how Josh had died, but somehow Sam had set his friend, his best friend, in better hands. The hands of his Catholic God, Laurie permitted. “Seth, this man, was he your friend?”
“I’ve never met him. But he needs to go home. He shouldn’t stay here.”
Now Seth’s voice was vacant, making Laurie shiver. He didn’t want to lose ground, yet was this his place? He had no training other than managing fickle sculptors. Then Laurie took a breath, letting it out slowly. Long ago his cousin had been his client. “Seth, if you’ve never met him, how do you know him?”
As Laurie finished speaking, a ray of sunshine illuminated the wet concrete. Laurie looked up, but didn’t see a rainbow. Then a hawk landed near a substantial puddle. The rain stopped while the bird dipped his beak into the water. Seth removed his hand from Laurie’s, placing his palms against the glass. “Go home, you know that’s where you oughta be.” Seth spoke loudly, leaning close to the glass, pressing the tip of his nose to the pane. “You can’t do anything for me, but she needs you.”
Now the hawk looked up, staring at both men. Laurie’s heart raced, feeling as if he knew that creature. But it gave all of its attention to Seth, who remained right against the window. “Go home,” he repeated, this time more quietly. “Just let me….”
The bird squawked, then hopped as close as he could get to the building but still be viewed from inside. Laurie was mesmerized as the bird tapped its left foot, and was he shaking his head? His wings were still folded down, but Laurie felt like the bird wanted to cross them over his chest.
Seth kept muttering that the hawk needed to go, his face still pressed against the windowpane. Laurie would relay all of this to whoever was available, then would ask to meet with Dr. Sellers; he wanted to know what he could do the next time this happened. For as much as Seth pleaded with the hawk, it seemed immoveable. Finally Seth walked away, offering various epithets. As he flopped onto his mattress, Laurie remained at the window, caught in the bird’s gaze. Those eyes were so knowledgeable, making Laurie shiver. “You’re an odd creature,” he said. “But whoever you are, maybe you’re just what we need.”
The hawk seemed to nod, then hopped back to the puddle, where it took another drink. Then it flew off, making a loud caw as it did so. Laurie had moved to Seth’s spot at the window, his hands placed where Seth’s had been. Laurie remained there for a moment, wishing for the bird’s return. The sun n
ow shone, its reflection in the puddle making Laurie blink. He turned to see his cousin curled in the fetal position, but Laurie wasn’t worried. He peered out of the window, then smiled. “Hurry back,” he whispered. “We do need you.”
Chapter 124