Chapter 18
If someone had told him a year ago that he would be standing in the kitchen washing dishes with the widow of James Tyrell, he would have laughed in their face. Yet, here he was standing here with her trying to exude a calm demeanor on the outside to put her at ease. On the inside, however, an internal war was waging. His conscience was commanding him to tell her the truth, but if he did, he would then have to leave her with this pain. There was no way he could face her after telling her, and it was unconscionable to think she’d want to remain with him. The other part of his twisted soul wanted to hold off telling her; it encouraged him to be selfish just a little longer.
But when she turned to him and thanked him, his conscience fell victim to his self-regard. He slowly dried his hands on the dish cloth, turned to her and was completely struck to his core by her beautiful face and the tears dancing on the edges of her eyes. They were threatening to spill out from all corners. He wanted to make her feel better; he wanted to take the tears he’d put there away. Yet, in spite of her obvious suffering, he couldn’t deny his attraction to her. Somehow the need to make her feel better and his attraction merged together, causing him to do what he later would determine to be one of the stupidest things ever.
Stacy reached out for Evie and gripped her by the forearms, pulling her into him. He felt her stiffen at his touch and for a moment, he thought she was going to pull back. Quite the opposite though. She sagged against his chest and he let out a breath. He hadn’t realized how good she would feel in his arms. Unfortunately, the feeling was short-lived. A moment later she pulled back from him and dropped her arms. He watched her flush with embarrassment. She tried to laugh, but he could tell it was forced.
“I’m sorry. I’m acting like such a girl right now, crying all over you.”
He whispered her name tenderly, then slowly brought his hands up to her face and cupped her cheeks.
He watched her eyes widen like saucers when she realized what he was about to do. Before she could stop him, or he could change his mind, he placed his lips onto hers. He felt and heard her gasp. As soon as their lips connected, his body came to life. Hers, on the other hand, was still like a statue. Nevertheless when he attempted to deepen the kiss it seemed to work. Her arms suddenly came around him and her fingers became entangled in his hair. He had never felt something so good. Every logical thought fled his mind as contentment sliced through him. It had never been like this for him—not with Kelly and not with any of the females before her.
Eventually, he forced himself to pull away. He knew that he could take it no further, although the male in him wanted to more than anything. It was not until he pulled back that the cloud that had engulfed them was lifted and they were hit with the full force of what they had just done.
She stared at him wide-eyed and brought her hand up over her mouth, as if she was a child and had let a bad word slip out in front of her parents.
‘I am a blazing idiot.’ He thought to himself, rubbing his hands through his hair quickly.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I didn’t mean to take advantage of the situation.”
“Mama! Mama!” Jamie suddenly cried from the den. Both of them swung their heads in the direction of the child’s shouts.
“Jamie needs me.”
Evie scurried from the kitchen as fast as she could.
“So do I,” Stacy thought to himself.
Stacy left Evie’s house soon after, feeling like the lowest life form possible. If he believed in the existence of Heaven and Hell he knew God would have a special place for him in the very bottom pit where it was the hottest.
How had he not seen this coming? How could he make this right? When could he tell her the truth? How could he leave her and Jamie? These were just some of the questions that sprinted through his mind. As he wore himself down with question after question, he realized something: He wanted her and Jamie. No, he needed them. These last four months with Evie and Jamie had done something; they returned him to who he was prior to the shooting—or at least somewhat. Though he’d destroyed their lives, they’d given him back his. But what would Evie even say if he told her the truth? If she didn’t kill him right there on the spot, she’d probably remove herself and Jamie from his life. The idea of this happening brought Stacy much pain and grief, for being with them gave his life a new purpose, new meaning.
Without even really contemplating what he was doing, Stacy pulled his car over to the side of the road leaning his forehead against the steering wheel. He had dug himself into a terrible mess and there was nothing he could do to get out of it.
God, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. I don’t. Please show me what to do.
Wait, when did he start praying? When had he started believing in God?
He wasn’t a Christian, he and God didn’t have an open line of communication. Just as he was giving up and convincing himself that God was not in the business of hearing his prayers, a Bible verse suddenly came to mind. He couldn’t remember if he’d heard it at Evie’s church, or if maybe he’d heard his mother say it to him. But he remembered the words as clear as day: He will perfect that which concerns you.
Tuesday morning as he buttoned up his uniform shirt, he tried to clear his mind but it was impossible. He couldn’t erase that kiss from his memory even if he tried—neither could his body. He hadn’t heard from Evie since Friday night. He knew there was a chance that he had scared her off. She was young when she met and married James and from her mannerisms and actions over the last couple of months, Stacy was almost positive James had been the only man she’d ever been with. She didn’t know how to be with a man, and he’d be damned if that didn’t excite him. He was used to women with a lot of experience. But her naiveté, her deer in the headlights look when he kissed her, had only served to fuel his fire more.
“Hey Walsh, somebody is here to see you,” called Lietunenant Richards, interrupting his thoughts. Stacy looked around his open locker and stopped buttoning his uniform. Who in the world needed to see him now, right before his shift? His heart rate sped up thinking it could possibly be Evie.
“Who is it, Lieutenant?” There was quiet for a minute, then Richards yelled back to him, “Madeline Crowne!” This time when Stacy froze mid-button, his hands dropped to his side. What was Evie’s mom doing here? He shut his eyes for a moment and swallowed hard. Had Evie told her about their kiss? Was she here to tell him to stay away from her daughter? But why would she do that? She seemed to like him.
He took a deep breath and called out, “Can you tell her I’ll be out there in a moment?”
“Sure thing,” Lieutenant Richards called back.
Okay, he could do this. When he was presentable, he made his way out of the locker room and to the front of the station. The lieutenant was shuffling around some paperwork at the front desk. He looked up when Stacy came in and then nodded to the small African American women sitting off in the corner of the lobby thumbing through a magazine. Richards raised his eyebrows as if to say, “What’s going on?” But Stacy just shrugged his shoulders as if to say he didn’t know.
Madeline looked up at him as he approached her. Stacy observed her for some sign, something that would let him know that she knew what he had done the other evening. But her face was an impenetrable mask—she gave nothing away.
“Ms. Madeline, is everything okay? Did something happen to Evie or Jamie?”
“Oh, no, of course not. They’re both fine. But I’d like to talk to you in private if we could.”
“Sure. We can go outside,” he said. He could have very well taken her into any one of the interrogation rooms, but he didn’t want to risk being overheard by anyone, nor did he want to intimidate her.
“Very well,” she said.
Madeline slung her purse over her shoulder and led the way out of the lobby. Although she was a grandmother, she was far from the old and feeble type. She sauntered across the lobby floor with her head held high. Sh
e was so sure of herself. In that instant, she reminded him so much of Evie—all of the self-confidence, self-assurance that Evie swore she didn’t have, but he saw in her so clearly. If only he could make her see it.
Once they were outside, Stacy glanced around for a private place to talk away from the prying eyes of his fellow officers. Across the street was a small park that really held nothing of interest, except for a large patch of grass and a few benches. He motioned towards the park and Madeline nodded.
As soon as they were seated, Stacy held his breath waiting for the inevitable.
“What do you want with my daughter?”
Madeline wasted no time opening up the bars of conversation.
Stacy’s eyebrows gathered. He almost felt like he was sixteen again and asking his girlfriend’s father if he could take her out on a date.
“Um…I don’t follow, Madeleine.”
“Well, I’m trying to figure out exactly what you want from Evie. I see the way you look at her. You got this intense look about you, like there’s something that you need or want from her. The first day we met you had that look. Since then I’ve been trying to figure out what it’s about.”
Stacy released another long breath. This was not a conversation he wanted to have, especially with Evie’s mother. But, all in all, a part of him relaxed, thankful that she hadn’t figured out his secret. It still didn’t mean that what they were about to discuss was going to be any better.
“Um, Ms. Crowne, I’m a little too old to be pursuing women just for….ahem….” He cleared his throat, “sex.”
“If that’s what you are thinking is going on, that’s not it at all,” he continued.” I—”
Madeline suddenly interrupted him, using a swipe of her hand as if what he was saying was of no consequence.
“Boy, please. I know that’s not what you’re after. I’m fifty years old. I know when a man wants a woman for sex, and that is not the way you look at my daughter. You want something else from her, something more than that. Now I let this go on for a while waiting to see your true character, and I believe I know what it is. But now I need to know what your exact intensions are with Evie.”
God in heaven, he wanted to fall through the floor. He couldn’t believe what was coming out of Madeline’s mouth. Not only did hearing her mention sex make him cringe, but he couldn’t believe that his intentions were so transparent that even her mother could tell that redemption was what he was really after.
Silence engulfed them for a moment, then out came a soft whisper. In fact, the whisper was so muted Stacy had to strain to hear her.
“She reads your letter every night,” Madeline said. “She keeps it in her Bible. Every night she reads it over and over again.”
With those words Stacy’s blood ran cold.
“Why are you here, Stacy? Why are you in her life?”
That’s when it hit him. All this time he’d told himself that eventually he would tell Evie, that eventually he would tell her the truth. And he always imagined that when he did what they had built would implode and he would be left feeling terrible and alone. Ironically, Madeline confronting him caused relief to wash over him—relief that at least someone close to Evie knew the truth. But while he found liberation, he wasn’t sure that she had found emancipation in knowing who had killed her son-in-law.
“Does Evie know?” he asked.
“No, she doesn’t. And I’m not going to tell her; it’s not my place. This is something between you and her. But I need to know why you’re here. What is your angle? If you’re here to cause more problems and to—“
“No, Madeline, I’m not. I swear. I didn’t even know who Evie was up until a few months ago. We first met in the hospital. I brought a suspect in for medical care and she happened to be the nurse who tended to his wound.”
Without really meaning to, Stacy’s revealed everything—from their chance meeting and his stalker behavior to his desire to set things right. The only thing he managed to withhold was his attraction and growing feelings for Evie. Surely it was something he should have divulged to assure Madeline that he was not in Evie’s life to upset things, but his affection for her daughter was so strong and confusing at times that he couldn’t put it into context. When he was finally done, Madeline turned and looked at him.
“My daughter, she’s book smart. That girl could have been a doctor if she wanted to. But she’s not street smart or smart in matters of the heart. She likes you, any fool can see that. You are the first man she’s allowed in her life since James, and that is a big thing. If she would have dug a little deeper she could have figured out who you are.
But my daughter’s not very perceptive, so she doesn’t see it. She probably never will,” Madeline persisted. “I understand what you are trying to do. My fifty years of experience have shown me a lot. But I don’t know how my daughter will respond to you once she knows. This is not something you take lightly, not something you trifle with. You need to tell her…soon. You can’t let her get too close to you and not tell her. I will not do it, but you have to.”
“I’ll lose her and Jamie.”
The words were out of his mouth before he could take them back.
Madeline smiled and said, “Then things have already gone way beyond the, ‘I want to make amends scenario.”
“They…they make things better for me, Madeline.”
“I understand. I honestly think that you’re a good man that just did a bad thing. And I think that your mama raised you right, or you would have never sent my daughter that letter in the first place. I also think that the Lord is doing something here—something big. This situation has His mark all over it. But you have to be honest with Evie; she’s a big girl.”
With that, Madeline stood up.
“Tell her at a time when you think God is putting it on your heart. It needs to be soon, preferably before you marry her and give me more grandchildren.”
Stacy’s mouth dropped open.
“I-I-it’s not like that Madeline,” he stuttered, feeling himself grow warm.
“Sure it’s not. Take your time, figure it out, and let God lead you.”
And just like that, she slung her purse over her shoulder for the second time that day and marched away.
“Ms. Madeleine!” he called.
She turned around and looked at him expectantly.
“When did you find out?”
She smiled softly.
“I knew who you were the day she came home and told me about you, before I even met you.”
Stacy was stunned. How did she know? There were only a handful of people who knew this dark secret.
Madeleine made her way back over to him slowly, and with every step he was intrigued by what would come from her mouth once she settled her heels into the ground.
“A reporter came to the house a couple of months ago to interview my daughter about James’ death. I knew by the way the woman acted that something was going on with her. Her main goal for interviewing Evie was to let her know about the other officer involved. Needless to say, my daughter wouldn’t listen to her. I spoke to the woman afterwards and found out the name of the other officer, but I never told Evie. Imagine my surprise when my daughter comes home one day and tells me she is going out with a police officer named Stacy Walsh.”
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
“Because everyone deserves a second chance. And I wanted to see what your true motives were. Didn’t take me too long to figure out how you really felt and what you were doing. I just needed to make sure.”
“What am I doing?” Stacy said more to himself than to her.
“Falling for my daughter.”
She laughed, then walked away.
All Stacy could do was stare and try to process what just happened. But then something came to mind that urged him to call out to her once again.
“Ms. Madeleine, what was the reporter’s name?”
“Jasmine King,” she
shouted over her shoulder.
He was not the least bit surprised.