THE FIFTH STORY
[Day the Ninth]
CALANDRINO FALLETH IN LOVE WITH A WENCH AND BRUNO WRITETH HIM A TALISMAN, WHEREWITH WHEN HE TOUCHETH HER, SHE GOETH WITH HIM; AND HIS WIFE FINDING THEM TOGETHER, THERE BETIDETH HIM GRIEVOUS TROUBLE AND ANNOY
Neifile's short story being finished and the company having passed itover without overmuch talk or laughter, the queen turned to Fiammettaand bade her follow on, to which she replied all blithely that shewould well and began, "Gentlest ladies, there is, as methinketh youmay know, nothing, how much soever it may have been talked thereof,but will still please, provided whoso is minded to speak of it knowduly to choose the time and the place that befit it. Wherefore, havingregard to our intent in being here (for that we are here to make merryand divert ourselves and not for otherwhat), meseemeth that everythingwhich may afford mirth and pleasance hath here both due place and duetime; and albeit it may have been a thousand times discoursed thereof,it should natheless be none the less pleasing, though one speak of itas much again. Wherefore, notwithstanding it hath been many timesspoken among us of the sayings and doings of Calandrino, I will makebold, considering, as Filostrato said awhile ago, that these are alldiverting, to tell you yet another story thereof, wherein were Iminded to swerve from the fact, I had very well known to disguise andrecount it under other names; but, for that, in the telling of astory, to depart from the truth of things betided detracteth greatlyfrom the listener's pleasure, I will e'en tell it you in its trueshape, moved by the reason aforesaid.
Niccolo Cornacchini was a townsman of ours and a rich man and had,among his other possessions, a fine estate at Camerata, whereon he letbuild a magnificent mansion and agreed with Bruno and Buffalmacco topaint it all for him; and they, for that the work was great, joined tothemselves Nello and Calandrino and fell to work. Thither, for thatthere was none of the family in the house, although there were one ortwo chambers furnished with beds and other things needful and an oldserving-woman abode there, as guardian of the place, a son of the saidNiccolo, by name Filippo, being young and without a wife, was wontbytimes to bring some wench or other for his diversion and keep herthere a day or two and after send her away. It chanced once, amongother times, that he brought thither one called Niccolosa, whom a lewdfellow, by name Mangione, kept at his disposal in a house at Camaldoliand let out on hire. She was a woman of a fine person and well cladand for her kind well enough mannered and spoken.
One day at noontide, she having come forth her chamber in a whitepetticoat, with her hair twisted about her head, and being in act towash her hands and face at a well that was in the courtyard of themansion, it chanced that Calandrino came thither for water and salutedher familiarly. She returned him his greeting and fell to eying him,more because he seemed to her an odd sort of fellow than for any fancyshe had for him; whereupon he likewise fell a-considering her andhimseeming she was handsome, he began to find his occasions forabiding there and returned not to his comrades with the water, but,knowing her not, dared not say aught to her. She, who had noted hislooking, glanced at him from time to time, to make game of him,heaving some small matter of sighs the while; wherefore Calandrinofell suddenly over head and ears in love with her and left not thecourtyard till she was recalled by Filippo into the chamber.Therewithal he returned to work, but did nought but sigh, which Bruno,who had still an eye to his doings, for that he took great delight inhis fashions, remarking, 'What a devil aileth thee, friendCalandrino?' quoth he. 'Thou dost nought but sigh.' 'Comrade,'answered Calandrino, 'had I but some one to help me, I should farewell.' 'How so?' enquired Bruno; and Calandrino replied, 'It must notbe told to any; but there is a lass down yonder, fairer than a fairy,who hath fallen so mightily in love with me that 'twould seem to theea grave matter. I noted it but now, whenas I went for the water.''Ecod,' cried Bruno, 'look she be not Filippo's wife.' QuothCalandrino, 'Methinketh it is she, for that he called her and she wentto him in the chamber; but what of that? In matters of this kind Iwould jockey Christ himself, let alone Filippo; and to tell thee thetruth, comrade, she pleaseth me more than I can tell thee.' 'Comrade,'answered Bruno, 'I will spy thee out who she is, and if she beFilippo's wife, I will order thine affairs for thee in a brace ofwords, for she is a great friend of mine. But how shall we do, soBuffalmacco may not know? I can never get a word with her, but he iswith me.' Quoth Calandrino, 'Of Buffalmacco I reck not; but we mustbeware of Nello, for that he is Tessa's kinsman and would mar useverything.' And Bruno said, 'True.'
Now he knew very well who the wench was, for that he had seen her comeand moreover Filippo had told him. Accordingly, Calandrino having leftwork awhile and gone to get a sight of her, Bruno told Nello andBuffalmacco everything and they took order together in secret whatthey should do with him in the matter of this his enamourment. When hecame back, Bruno said to him softly, 'Hast seen her?' 'Alack, yes,'replied Calandrino; 'she hath slain me.' Quoth Bruno, 'I must go seean it be she I suppose; and if it be so, leave me do.' Accordingly, hewent down into the courtyard and finding Filippo and Niccolosa there,told them precisely what manner of man Calandrino was and took orderwith them of that which each of them should do and say, so they mightdivert themselves with the lovesick gull and make merry over hispassion. Then, returning to Calandrino, he said, 'It is indeed she;wherefore needs must the thing be very discreetly managed, for, shouldFilippo get wind of it, all the water in the Arno would not wash us.But what wouldst thou have me say to her on thy part, if I shouldchance to get speech of her?' 'Faith,' answered Calandrino, 'thoushalt tell her, to begin with, that I will her a thousand measures ofthat good stuff that getteth with child, and after, that I am herservant and if she would have aught.... Thou takest me?' 'Ay,' saidBruno, 'leave me do.'
Presently, supper-time being come, the painters left work and wentdown into the courtyard, where they found Filippo and Niccolosa andtarried there awhile, to oblige Calandrino. The latter fell to oglingNiccolosa and making the oddest grimaces in the world, such and somany that a blind man would have remarked them. She on her side dideverything that she thought apt to inflame him, and Filippo, inaccordance with the instructions he had of Bruno, made believe to talkwith Buffalmacco and the others and to have no heed of this, whilsttaking the utmost diversion in Calandrino's fashions. However, after awhile, to the latter's exceeding chagrin, they took their leave and asthey returned to Florence, Bruno said to Calandrino, 'I can tell theethou makest her melt like ice in the sun. Cock's body, wert thou tofetch thy rebeck and warble thereto some of those amorous ditties ofthine, thou wouldst cause her cast herself out of window to come tothee.' Quoth Calandrino, 'Deemest thou, gossip? Deemest thou I shoulddo well to fetch it?' 'Ay, do I,' answered Bruno; and Calandrino wenton, 'Thou wouldst not credit me this morning, whenas I told it thee;but, for certain, gossip, methinketh I know better than any man aliveto do what I will. Who, other than I, had known to make such a lady soquickly in love with me? Not your trumpeting young braggarts,[432] Iwarrant you, who are up and down all day long and could not makeshift, in a thousand years, to get together three handsful of cherrystones. I would fain have thee see me with the rebeck; 'twould be finesport for thee. I will have thee to understand once for all that I amno dotard, as thou deemest me, and this she hath right well perceived,she; but I will make her feel it othergates fashion, so once I get myclaw into her back; by the very body of Christ, I will lead her such adance that she will run after me, as the madwoman after her child.''Ay,' rejoined Bruno, 'I warrant me thou wilt rummage her; methinkethI see thee, with those teeth of thine that were made for virginaljacks,[433] bite that little vermeil mouth of hers and those hercheeks, that show like two roses, and after eat her all up.'
[Footnote 432: _Giovani di tromba marina._ The sense seems as above;the commentators say that _giovani di tromba marina_ is a name givento those youths who go trumpeting about everywhere the favoursaccorded them by women; but the _tromba marina_ is a _stringed_ (not awind) _instrument_, a sort of primitive violoncello with one string.]
&nbs
p; [Footnote 433: "Your teeth did dance like virginal jacks."--_BenJonson._]
Calandrino, hearing this, fancied himself already at it and wentsinging and skipping, so overjoyed that he was like to jump out of hisskin. On the morrow, having brought the rebeck, he, to the greatdiversion of all the company, sang sundry songs thereto; and in brief,he was taken with such an itch for the frequent seeing of her that hewrought not a whit, but ran a thousand times a day, now to the window,now to the door and anon into the courtyard, to get a look at her,whereof she, adroitly carrying out Bruno's instructions, afforded himample occasion. Bruno, on his side, answered his messages in her nameand bytimes brought him others as from her; and whenas she was notthere, which was mostly the case, he carried him letters from her,wherein she gave him great hopes of compassing his desire, feigningherself at home with her kinsfolk, where he might not presently seeher. On this wise, Bruno, with the aid of Buffalmacco, who had a handin the matter, kept the game afoot and had the greatest sport in theworld with Calandrino's antics, causing him give them bytimes, as athis mistress's request, now an ivory comb, now a purse and anon aknife and such like toys, for which they brought him in return diverspaltry counterfeit rings of no value, with which he was vastlydelighted; and to boot, they had of him, for their pains, store ofdainty collations and other small matters of entertainment, so theymight be diligent about his affairs.
On this wise they kept him in play good two months, without getting astep farther, at the end of which time, seeing the work draw to an endand bethinking himself that, an he brought not his amours to an issuein the meantime, he might never have another chance thereof, he beganto urge and importune Bruno amain; wherefore, when next the girl cameto the mansion, Bruno, having first taken order with her and Filippoof what was to be done, said to Calandrino, 'Harkye, gossip, yonderlady hath promised me a good thousand times to do that which thouwouldst have and yet doth nought thereof, and meseemeth she leadeththee by the nose; wherefore, since she doth it not as she promiseth,we will an it like thee, make her do it, will she, nill she.' 'Ecod,ay!' answered Calandrino. 'For the love of God let it be donespeedily.' Quoth Bruno, 'Will thy heart serve thee to touch her with ascript I shall give thee?' 'Ay, sure,' replied Calandrino; and theother, 'Then do thou make shift to bring me a piece of virginparchment and a live bat, together with three grains of frankincenseand a candle that hath been blessed by the priest, and leave me do.'Accordingly, Calandrino lay in wait all the next night with hisengines to catch a bat and having at last taken one, carried it toBruno, with the other things required; whereupon the latter,withdrawing to a chamber, scribbled divers toys of his fashion uponthe parchment, in characters of his own devising, and brought it tohim, saying, 'Know, Calandrino, that, if thou touch her with thisscript, she will incontinent follow thee and do what thou wilt.Wherefore, if Filippo should go abroad anywhither to-day, do thoucontrive to accost her on some pretext or other and touch her; thenbetake thyself to the barn yonder, which is the best place here forthy purpose, for that no one ever frequenteth there. Thou wilt findshe will come thither, and when she is there, thou knowest well whatthou hast to do.' Calandrino was the joyfullest man alive and took thescript, saying, 'Gossip, leave me do.'
Now Nello, whom Calandrino mistrusted, had as much diversion of thematter as the others and bore a hand with them in making sport of him:wherefore, of accord with Bruno, he betook himself to Florence toCalandrino's wife and said to her, 'Tessa, thou knowest what abeating Calandrino gave thee without cause the day he came back, ladenwith stones from the Mugnone; wherefore I mean to have thee avengethyself on him; and if thou do it not, hold me no more for kinsman orfor friend. He hath fallen in love with a woman over yonder, and sheis lewd enough to go very often closeting herself with him. A littlewhile agone, they appointed each other to foregather together thisvery day; wherefore I would have thee come thither and lie in wait forhim and chastise him well.' When the lady heard this, it seemed to herno jesting matter, but, starting to her feet, she fell a-saying,'Alack, common thief that thou art, is it thus that thou usest me? ByChrist His Cross, it shall not pass thus, but I will pay theetherefor!' Then, taking her mantle and a little maid to bear hercompany, she started off at a good round pace for the mansion,together with Nello.
As soon as Bruno saw the latter afar off, he said to Filippo, 'Herecometh our friend'; whereupon the latter, betaking himself whereasCalandrino and the others were at work, said, 'Masters, needs must Igo presently to Florence; work with a will.' Then, going away, he hidhimself in a place when he could, without being seen, see whatCalandrino should do. The latter, as soon as he deemed Filipposomewhat removed, came down into the courtyard and finding Niccolosathere alone, entered into talk with her, whilst she, who knew wellenough what she had to do, drew near him and entreated him somewhatmore familiarly than of wont. Thereupon he touched her with the scriptand no sooner had he done so than he turned, without saying a word,and made for the barn, whither she followed him. As soon as she waswithin, she shut the door and taking him in her arms, threw him downon the straw that was on the floor; then, mounting astride of him andholding him with her hands on his shoulders, without letting him drawnear her face, she gazed at him, as he were her utmost desire, andsaid, 'O sweet my Calandrino, heart of my body, my soul, my treasure,my comfort, how long have I desired to have thee and to be able tohold thee at my wish! Thou hast drawn all the thread out of my shiftwith thy gentilesse; thou hast tickled my heart with thy rebeck. Canit be true that I hold thee?' Calandrino, who could scarce stir, said,'For God's sake, sweet my soul, let me buss thee.' 'Marry,' answeredshe, 'thou art in a mighty hurry. Let me first take my fill of lookingupon thee; let me sate mine eyes with that sweet face of thine.'
Now Bruno and Buffalmacco were come to join Filippo and all threeheard and saw all this. As Calandrino was now offering to kissNiccolosa perforce, up came Nello with Dame Tessa and said, as soon ashe reached the place, 'I vow to God they are together.' Then, comingup to the door of the barn, the lady, who was all a-fume with rage,dealt it such a push with her hands that she sent it flying, andentering, saw Niccolosa astride of Calandrino. The former, seeing thelady, started up in haste and taking to flight, made off to joinFilippo, whilst Dame Tessa fell tooth and nail upon Calandrino, whowas still on his back, and clawed all his face; then, clutching himby the hair and haling him hither and thither, 'Thou sorry shittencur,' quoth she, 'dost thou then use me thus? Besotted dotard thatthou art, accursed be the weal I have willed thee! Marry, seemeth itto thee thou hast not enough to do at home, that thou must gowantoning it in other folk's preserves? A fine gallant, i'faith! Dostthou not know thyself, losel that thou art? Dost thou not knowthyself, good for nought? Wert thou to be squeezed dry, there wouldnot come as much juice from thee as might suffice for a sauce. Cock'sfaith, thou canst not say it was Tessa that was presently in act toget thee with child, God make her sorry, who ever she is, for a scurvytrull as she must be to have a mind to so fine a jewel as thou!'
Calandrino, seeing his wife come, abode neither dead nor alive and hadnot the hardihood to make any defence against her; but, rising, allscratched and flayed and baffled as he was, and picking up his bonnet,he fell to humbly beseeching her leave crying out, an she would nothave him cut in pieces, for that she who had been with him was thewife of the master of the house; whereupon quoth she, 'So be it, Godgive her an ill year.' At this moment, Bruno and Buffalmacco, havinglaughed their fill at all this, in company with Filippo and Niccolosa,came up, feigning to be attracted by the clamour, and having with nolittle ado appeased the lady, counselled Calandrino betake himself toFlorence and return thither no more, lest Filippo should get wind ofthe matter and do him a mischief. Accordingly he returned to Florence,chapfallen and woebegone, all flayed and scratched, and never venturedto go thither again; but, being plagued and harassed night and daywith his wife's reproaches, he made an end of his fervent love, havinggiven much cause for laughter to his companions, no less than toNiccolosa and Filippo."