“Never.”
He took a seat on the bed and stared at me with an expression that raised my hackles. “Are you judging me?” I whined. “Seriously?”
He made a face and gestured to the room. “This isn’t really like you.”
“My heart’s broken. I’m wallowing.”
“Yes, well, it seems to me you’ve gone back into hiding.”
“So?”
He exhaled heavily. “I would have thought that Carrie and I were a lesson well learnt.”
“What does that mean?”
His gaze suddenly burned, piercing through me with sadness. “That you shouldn’t let yourself be so consumed by one person that you forget about yourself and the other people around you who care about you.”
If he’d thrown a bucket of freezing cold water over me, it would have had the same effect. I shivered, feeling his words deep in my bones. All this time I’d feared being like my parents, and here I was...depending so deeply on another person to love me that I was losing myself.
“Shit,” I blurted out without thinking.
My dad just gave me this sad smirk. “Can I take that to mean you’ll be going back to school on Monday?”
I swallowed hard, not liking the mirror he’d put in front of me one bit. “Yes.” Going back and facing Tobias would be difficult, but it would be easier than being someone I didn’t want to be. “Thanks.”
He nodded and then seemed to be on the verge of saying something else before he stopped.
“What is it?”
“Well...I don’t want to pile too much on you,” Dad said, “But you need to know Carrie’s going to go traveling for a while. She leaves on Sunday.”
Confused by the turn in conversation it took me a moment to say, “Traveling?”
Why was she traveling? And for how long? And why without Dad? What the hell had I missed?
Dad got up off the bed and walked toward the door, this time apparently not caring about the stuff in his way or too lost in his thoughts to remember any of it was there. “Things have been a bit...well...we haven’t been...” He sighed and shrugged. “Your mum and I need some space from each other.”
I could only stare at him.
Kyle and Carrie Caldwell were taking a break from each other? I knew things had been distant between them but since Stevie had passed I really hadn’t been paying attention to my parents or their relationship. As far as I was concerned it was none of my business. Putting the pieces of the last few months together, I realized that they hadn’t been the same since my confrontations with them at Christmas.
Had what I said to Dad finally awakened him like his words had just awakened me?
“Oh. Okay.” I didn’t know what else to say.
He gave me another sad smile. “We’ll survive without her chicken curry for a while.”
“I have the pizza place on speed dial,” I joked lamely.
His expression told me he appreciated it, lame or not.
* * *
My first port of call coming out of my cave was Vicki’s. I apologized profusely for pushing her away, but my best friend was admirably understanding.
“I think if Luke broke up with me like that I’d feel the same,” she’d said.
Having not realized she felt that deeply for her boyfriend, I wished with all my heart that he never did.
It was with my two friends by my side that I made my way back into school on Monday, trying to keep not only my nerves at bay but the constant desire to burst into tears. It was one thing to tell yourself not to be a codependent crybaby, and another thing to actually try not to be. My parents being brave enough to take a step back from one another was inspiring though, and I thought if they could do it, I could certainly try to move on from Tobias. It would have been easier for me if he’d been nicer to me. However, I discovered right away that Tobias’s plan was to ignore me. I wondered if he’d even been worried about my absence from school or if I wasn’t even on his radar anymore.
Hurt turned to bitterness and bitterness turned to anger.
As the week wore on with us girls now sitting at a table by ourselves while the rugby boys sat alone, I felt the need to confront Tobias building and building within me. I tried to contain it, because Vicki advised she didn’t think that would do any good. Since our breakup, Vicki was kind of stuck in the middle. She’d chosen to sit with me at lunch, but I knew she missed sitting with Luke and with him graduating this year, she wanted to spend as much time with him as possible. Luke tried to be a good guy and take turns between the two tables, but he’d confessed to Vicki that he felt like he should be there for Tobias because he was still having a hard time over Stevie’s death.
I hated that for him.
That didn’t mean I wasn’t still a brokenhearted, enraged ex-girlfriend. But I tried to put a stopper on those emotions, because I didn’t want it to lead to a huge argument between Tobias and me. That would make things super awkward for Vicki and Luke, stuck between their two best friends.
I held on to the selfless thought until Thursday lunchtime arrived. Being miserable and pretending not to be miserable for the sake of your friends and for yourself is one of the most exhausting things a person can do. By Thursday I was tired, bitter and resentful. But mostly I was sad and fearing I’d never stop being sad.
It was a scary thought.
So when I walked into the cafeteria and my gaze automatically zoomed in on the rugby table like it always did and I saw Jess Reed sitting next to Tobias, the anger took over the sadness and I gladly let it.
“Uh-oh,” Steph said beside me, having seen the sixth year sitting with my ex.
“That doesn’t mean anything,” Vicki tried to assure me. “Tobias isn’t seeing anyone. Luke would have told me.”
Right. Of course he would. I snorted at the idea as my heart pounded harder and faster in my chest. “Bros before hos.”
“Did you just call me a ho?”
“You know what I mean.”
“Look, let’s just get lunch.” Steph tried to gently nudge me toward the lunch line.
I shook my head. “I’m not hungry. And I’m not staying here to watch the dipshit flirt with Jess Reed. See you in class.”
“Comet!” they called after me, but I was already gone.
Hunger did nothing to abate my anger as I waited in the library for the lunch period to end. English was next, and I’d spent the entire period preparing myself to confront Tobias. I had strapped on my mental boxing gloves, and I was ready to do it because if I didn’t I was going choke on my anger.
The image of him and Jess having sex tried to push its way into my head and I wanted to be sick and scream and cry in equal measure. Everyone would look at the two of them and think, “Well, yeah, that makes more sense.” I hadn’t really given much thought to what anyone else was thinking about our breakup, because I couldn’t handle the speculation on top of everything else, but suddenly I couldn’t help wondering if they were all laughing behind my back.
I charged into English class, my heart leaping in my chest at the sight of him sitting there. Everyone was chatting away, waiting for Mr. Stone, so I took my opportunity immediately. Sliding into the seat next to him, I bent my head to his and said, “Jess Reed? Really?”
Tobias startled at the sound of my voice so close and turned to look at me, his expression carefully blank. “What are you talking about?”
I curled my lip at him, somehow loathing and loving his face in equal measure. “I’m talking about you deliberately trying to hurt me.”
He sneered. “Being self-absorbed again?”
“Me?” I huffed, pushing my face into his aggressively, causing his eyes to flare. “I’m self-absorbed? All this time since Stevie died, all I’ve thought about is you and how you’re feeling. But never, I bet, have you stopped to think about how I’m feeling. Yo
u never even noticed when I wasn’t at school! I’m a ghost to you.” My lips trembled and tears filled my eyes but I forced them away. “I know you blame me, but I’m not to blame for what happened to Stevie. I won’t put that on myself. It’s not my fault. I will always regret not trying harder with him or telling someone who could actually have done something to stop him, but I’m not to blame for the choice he made. Neither are you. You are not to blame, Tobias. You are not to blame for choosing me over him. And you shouldn’t regret your decision to not let you or me be pulled into that messy life with him. But if you want to put some misguided blame on yourself and on me, then go ahead. Do it. Hate me and hurt me and don’t even care that you do, but I won’t take it on. I won’t let you make me feel worthless and unlovable again.” A tear escaped but I swiped it away, turning my head so I couldn’t see the emotion in his eyes, raw pain that would soften me if I let it.
I needed to stay strong, because I believed I had every right to say what I just did.
“I’ll walk away from you knowing I didn’t do this to Stevie and I wasn’t the one who turned my back on the person I loved. You’re not guilty of the first, I’ll never believe that, but you are guilty of the second. When I think about that, I can’t imagine ever pushing you away or shutting you out like you have me...and that made me realize something. That you never really loved me. That’s okay,” I whispered. “It’ll only make it easier for me to get over us.”
“Right, class, more exam preparation today I’m afraid,” Mr. Stone said walking into the room completely oblivious, as was everyone else, to me finally standing up for myself.
The chair beside me suddenly scraped back but I didn’t look.
“Tobias, where are you going?” Mr. Stone demanded.
My ex didn’t answer. He just stormed out of class, and I tried really hard not to care.
THE FRAGILE ORDINARYSAMANTHA YOUNG
31
“He’s looking over here. Again,” Steph said, between bites of her burger.
I missed the days when all she could talk about was the school show. The summer show was The King and I and much to Lindsay Wright’s chagrin, Steph was playing Anna. Previous evidence would suggest this was enough to keep Steph talking solely about herself for the next few months.
Yet, somehow, ever since I’d caved to their questions and confessed to my best friends what I’d said to Tobias to make him storm out of class, Steph had grown seriously invested in Tobias and me.
Too little too late, since I was determined to move on.
“That’s every day this week,” Vicki said, giving me this pointed look.
“What?”
“That’s he’s looked over here. And I keep catching him looking at you in English when he thinks you’re not looking.”
A flutter in my belly told me I was not immune to the idea that Tobias was looking at me again. But looking was an entirely different creature to speaking. “Look, guys, I know you think you’re being helpful but I’m trying to get over him. Okay?”
My friends shared a look that said they didn’t believe me.
Affronted, I dropped my burger. When I dropped food they knew I meant business. “Did I not tell you what I said to him? That was one of the most important confrontations of my life. Don’t pretend like I’m not trying here.”
“Are you trying, though?” Vicki tilted her head to the side like a curious bird. “Really?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It’s supposed to mean that tomorrow night is the Youth of Today poetry evening at Pan and a few weeks ago you told me you were going to get up on that stage and read one of your poems. Suddenly, since Tobias broke up with you, that’s no longer happening.”
I scowled at her. The reason it was no longer happening was because I’d been planning to do it as a grand gesture to Tobias and reading a poem aloud about him. I said as much to her.
That didn’t shut her up like I thought it would. “Wait a minute. I thought this whole moving on from Tobias thing was so that you could feel like you weren’t a wallowing, self-pitying, codependent Carrie-wannabe? So why are you using him as an excuse not to do something for yourself?”
“Ugh,” I huffed. “I hate when you make sense.” I really, really hated it.
Vicki grinned, smug. “Good. We’re agreed. You’re getting on that stage tomorrow night.”
“I don’t know what to read, though.” I hadn’t written anything uplifting in a while.
Steph shrugged. “The Tobias poem. Just because things aren’t the same between you now doesn’t make the poem any less true than it was when you wrote it.”
“Says she who hasn’t read the poem,” Vicki said.
“No, but she’s right.” I nodded, somewhat surprised by Steph’s wise comment. “The poem is still true.” Resolve coursed through me. “I’ll read it.”
“Good. Because he’s looking again.”
“Is Jess Reed sitting there?” It slipped out before I could stop it.
“No,” Steph scoffed. “He’s not into her. Hopefully she gets that now.”
“Why is he looking?” I grumbled. I didn’t need false hope!
“Maybe he wants to come over but he doesn’t know what to say,” Vicki suggested. “Maybe he thinks you won’t want to talk to him.”
“Would you want to talk to him?” Steph said.
I shrugged. “I won’t know that until he actually tries to speak to me. If. I mean if.”
“Despite what you said to him, he does love you, Comet,” Steph assured me. “I’m admittedly jealous of how much that boy loves you. He’s on his way back to you. For sure.”
“We’ll know tomorrow,” Vicki said.
“Tomorrow?”
“He knows about Pan. If he cares about you he’ll be there.”
Steph frowned. “Unless he forgot. Let’s not pin their reconciliation on tomorrow night.”
My friends argued about it while my mind drifted. The skin on my neck had been prickling all lunch period, but I didn’t know if that was only because the girls had made me paranoid that Tobias kept looking at me.
Giving in to the urge that had been tugging at me all during lunch, I glanced over my shoulder, trying to make it seem casual. As soon as I did my gaze collided with Tobias’s. My breath left me, and I wondered how it was possible he could still affect me as much as he had when we first met.
The thought scared me and I whipped back around. “Yeah,” I murmured, “let’s not pin any hopes on tomorrow.” Because it would crush me if he wasn’t there.
* * *
“Off somewhere?” Dad wandered out of the kitchen, his gaze drifting over me as I shrugged into my coat.
I swallowed a wave of nausea and gave him a shaky smile. “A poetry reading at Pan.”
“Is that the poetry café on Tollcross?”
“Uh-huh.”
“I didn’t know you went there.” He stared at me in question.
Ever since Carrie had left to go “traveling,” Dad had taken more and more of an interest in my whereabouts. And my life in general. Especially after I’d broken down on him, crying about my breakup with Tobias. He was trying. I couldn’t fault him for that, but I was still afraid of being deeply hurt by my parents, and I wasn’t sure I understood what was happening in their relationship.
“You’ve spoken to Carrie recently, right?”
If he was surprised by the abrupt question he didn’t show it. “She checks in.”
“What’s going on there, Dad?”
This time he didn’t hide his surprise. “It’s complicated.”
“But is this for real?” I gestured between him and me. “You being interested in my life, wanting to be a part of it? Is it real? Or does it all fall to pieces when Carrie comes home?”
Dad stared at me so long that I thought he wasn?
??t going to answer, but he did, in a low, gruff voice thick with emotion. “Whatever happens between Carrie and me, I won’t put her before you again. Life is so damn short, Comet. I don’t want to live mine knowing I caused irreparable hurt to the one person who deserved it least. I know I can’t ever make up for the damage Carrie and I caused...but I can try. I can love you. I do love you, kid.”
My eyes filled with tears. “Would you still love me if I chose to go to uni in America?”
He gave me a sad smile. “If that’s what you want, you go for it. I’ll still be here.”
“I don’t know what I want now,” I whispered, confused as to whether I wanted UVA just to get as far from my parents as possible, or if it really was the college of my dreams. I wasn’t sure if my dad could live up to his promises, but I also wasn’t sure I was ready to traverse an ocean to get away from him, just when it seemed like we might finally have a relationship worth staying for.
Dad was right. Life was short. Stevie’s death had proved that. It had also proved that relationships were more important than anything else in my life.
Sensing my fear and confusion Dad strode toward me and placed a comforting hand on my shoulder. “You’ve got time to think about the future, Comet.”
I drew in a shaky breath and did something I would never have imagined doing a year ago. “Will you come with me to Pan? It’s my first open mic. I... I’d like you to hear my poem.”
His response was a huge smile. “I’d love that.”
* * *
I was crushed.
Pan was crowded tonight with regular patrons and people who rarely, if ever, frequented the place. There were older people here, some obviously parents, and of course a lot of under eighteens. The café was busier than I’d ever seen it, and yet the person I most wanted there wasn’t anywhere to be seen.
My dad stood with Vicki, Mr. Stone and Mrs. Cruickshank. Steph couldn’t make it because she had a date with a college boy she’d met at the swim center last week. However, my one constant—Vicki—was with me. She’d convinced me to tell Mr. Stone about the open mic night and like my dad, his response had been immediate and positive. As for Mrs. Cruickshank, my dad and I had passed her on the esplanade on our way to Pan. She’d been surprised to see us together, and Dad had encouraged me to invite her along. The way she just spun around and started walking with us in response had made me want to cry grateful tears.