I had people here who loved and supported me, and as amazing as that felt, it still hurt not to have Tobias there.
“You’ve gone paler than normal,” Vicki said, looking concerned. “You okay?”
No, I wasn’t. I was next up on the stage, and the person who made me brave wasn’t here to cheer me on. I said so.
“We talked about this.” Vicki squeezed my hand. “Only you can be brave. Tobias hasn’t got that power. He’s not here? Well, screw him. His loss, Comet. You—” she smiled sweetly at me “—are one of my favorite people in the whole world and if he can’t see how special you are, then it’s his loss. Do this for you, Com. For all the people who made you feel like you weren’t worthy of them.”
I thought of my dad, who seemed to be doing his hardest to make up for it and who’d flinched at Vicki’s words, and of Carrie, whom I hadn’t heard from at all since she’d left except through secondhand conversations she’d had with my dad, of my primary six teacher who’d traumatized me and made me hate school, of Heather who’d bullied me out of envy, of Stevie, Alana, Jimmy, Forrester and their group for bullying me because it made them feel in control to be the tormentors instead of the tormented for a change, and even of Tobias, who’d made me feel alone when I needed him the most.
But despite that, Tobias had changed my life for the better. I had changed.
“She’s right,” Dad said. “Do this for you, Comet.”
And even though I wanted to throw up, I nodded, and heard all of their good lucks at my back as I took the steps one shaky upward movement at a time and approached the mic. I let go of a small exhale and the mic crackled. Unable to look at the faces staring up at me, I looked down at the poem in my hand instead.
“My name is Comet Caldwell,” I said, wincing slightly at the way my voice echoed around the room. “I’m seventeen and...this is my poem.
“Before you
Real life was a blurred Monet,
Dripping Tuesday’s pale blue
Into Wednesday’s dull gray;
All color muted to a lesser hue.
It was hot chocolate gone tepid,
And a winter with no snow.
Sea air somehow turned fetid,
Favorite shoes you outgrow.
Before you,
Real life was without magic,
No acts of heroism in sight.
Just girl, not savior, not telepathic,
No fight of dark against light.
There were no wizards or warlocks,
Angels and demons didn’t exist.
Its only charm was in its boardwalks,
Where sand and sea always kissed.
Before you,
I preferred the dreams I could buy;
A plethora of worlds to explore.
Lose myself in the beauty of a lie,
Have friends who never keep score.
Where there’s truth in true romance,
And uncool shy girls become heroes.
Where days are filled with thrilling happenstance,
And people have answers nobody here does.
Before you,
I judged without truly knowing,
Let people slip through my hands.
Saw someone flashy and outgoing,
And determined they’d never understand.
You made me see everyone’s layers,
All their secrets and fears.
Proving we’re all merely players,
Who smile through our tears.
Before you,
I believed real, true, glorious living
Was in adventure, was in the extraordinary.
But I’ve learned that time is not so forgiving,
And the real beauty of life is in the fragile ordinary.”
There was a hush in the air when I was finished and I was afraid to look up. But then someone started to clap and then someone else, until it was loud and warm and pushing up against me, forcing my eyes upward.
“Go, Comet!” I heard Mrs. Cruickshank shout, and watched as my dad and Mr. Stone beamed proudly up at me as they clapped their hands together high and hard. Vicki appeared as stunned as I felt as she clapped.
Strangers grinned and whistled and put their hands together in appreciation for me, and I was so shocked that I almost missed him in the crowd.
Tobias.
Hope flooded upward from the shuttered depths of me. All the hope I’d tried to keep buried inside, because hope had hurt me so much in the past. But I’d come to discover that hope was an uncontrollable creature, and it danced through me now, seeing Tobias here.
I stumbled off the stage, accepting praise, stunned, bewildered even, as I tried to make my way toward Tobias. Suddenly my path was blocked by the tall, rangy body of the owner of Pan. He was an older guy, perhaps in his midforties, with a strawberry blond beard and hair he wore up in a man bun. In the past he’d only ever smiled at me and made me a hot chocolate.
“Comet, right?” He held out his hand to me. “I’m Joe, Comet. I hope you start coming around to read more of your poetry to us, rather than sitting all the way in the back with a hot chocolate.”
Surprised but delighted that he knew who I was, I blushed. “Sure.”
“Good. I look forward to it. I enjoyed what you had to say up there. Cool name by the way,” he said before stepping aside to listen to the next person up onstage.
I stood stunned for a moment by his praise, but just as quickly as his positivity had warmed me, I remembered whose praise I really wanted. As I searched again for Tobias, the warmth leached out of me when I couldn’t find him. Panic suffused me until Vicki found me. She frowned. “He stepped outside. Tobias. He’s waiting for you.”
The panic receded, but I wasn’t so distracted that I didn’t see the dismay on her face. “What’s wrong? You hated my poem, didn’t you?” My euphoria over the reception of my poem died. It was great to have strangers like it, but I wanted the people I cared about to like it more.
“Do I keep score?” she blurted out.
For a moment I was confused until I realized she was quoting my poem. I took her hand. “I was talking about Steph and her competitiveness. And I used to worry a lot that the two of you would want to stop hanging out with me because I didn’t want to go to parties. I didn’t feel very understood, but that wasn’t on you, Vick. That was all me.”
Seeming relieved she nodded thoughtfully and then gently pushed me away. “Okay, you can go talk to Tobias now.”
I laughed but it was almost hysterical. The mic crackled behind me and realizing someone else was about to read, I quietened and tried to make my way through the crowds before the poem began.
Tobias stood outside the door, staring at the traffic, and just the sight of him made my heart start banging away in my chest even harder than it had when I stood on that stage.
I stopped in front of him, and he straightened up into attention. “Hey.”
“Hey.”
He scrubbed a hand over his head. “I loved your poem.”
“It was about you.”
Emotion glimmered in his eyes and he seemed to swallow hard. “Yeah.”
“You came.”
“You were right. About everything. The day you called me out, you messed me up. The idea of you thinking I didn’t love you ripped me apart and I didn’t know why, because I wanted to be angry with you. You didn’t do anything wrong, but I wanted to be angry with you because it was so much easier than being angry with myself.” He exhaled heavily and quickly, like he couldn’t get enough air. “When I got home that afternoon my mom kind of went off on one. She was worried about me and she said we were moving back to the States.”
My banging heart stopped.
I was sure of it.
The horrible emptiness in my chest coul
dn’t be anything else. “You’re going back to America?”
He shook his head quickly. “God no. As soon as she started talking about it, planning, I freaked out. As bad as I feel, as guilty as I feel, about walking away from Stevie when he needed me, the idea of never seeing you again scares the hell out of me, Comet. I’m sorry I made you think that I blamed you. I never blamed you. You were right about me blaming myself, though. I didn’t just walk away from Stevie when things got hard with him because it was what I felt I needed to do to protect you. I did it to protect me, too. Losing my dad and learning the truth was hard enough, I didn’t think I could deal with Stevie’s problems, with Carole’s sickness. So I walked away. Not only did I walk away, I got myself a pretty great life. A beautiful girl, a new team, great friends. And Stevie watched me get all of those things while I pretended like my friendship with him never happened. That’s on me. I just didn’t know how to admit that to myself, so I pretended that choosing you was where everything went wrong.
“I’m sorry, Comet. I told my mom I don’t want to leave, so we’re staying. And that doesn’t mean you have to forgive me or even want to be with me again, and you can even be pissed at me for making such a huge decision based off the fact that I love you because I know you hate the whole codependency thing but—”
I cut him off midramble throwing my arms around his neck and tugging his head down to mine so I could kiss him. The feel of his warm lips moving against mine felt so utterly epic, and I poured every emotion inside of me since we broke up into that kiss. Relief and love were the foremost.
Tobias broke the kiss to wrap his arms tighter around me and hug me so hard that he lifted me off the ground. “I missed you so much,” he said hoarsely, as I clung to him. “I’m so sorry.”
When I was finally back on my feet, I caressed his face and said, “No more apologies.”
“I’ll try not to do anything where one will be necessary afterward.”
“Hmm, I don’t think I’m naive enough to believe that will happen,” I joked.
He shook his head in wonder. “I know how lucky I am to have you, Comet. I hope you know that.”
“It’s nice to hear it anyway.” I smiled, trying not to cry like a cheeseball.
“And I am so proud of you for getting up on that stage tonight. And doing it in front of your dad...you’re amazing.”
“Thank you.” I studied him, seeing the weary sadness that still lingered in the back of his eyes. “What can I do to be there for you now?”
He frowned. “What do you mean?”
“Stevie.”
I felt him tense against me. “I don’t have a magic answer to that. I can’t help how I feel about him. I should have done something more for him, and that guilt won’t just go away. I have to be honest about that.”
I nodded, understanding.
Stevie’s death had changed Tobias. That was the truth. It had changed us both. It was different for Tobias, because he hadn’t found a way to forgive himself yet. Maybe he never would. Maybe it would continue to change him or maybe not.
That was the thing about living in the now and accepting that most people weren’t heroic storybook characters. They could be extraordinary, but most days they were flawed and ordinary. And ordinary people had wounds that sometimes never healed.
I loved Tobias. I would accept him, wounds and all, as I had from the moment we met, just as he had accepted me with all of mine.
When you were in love like we were in love, there existed a temporary forever ahead of you. A knowledge that what we had was for life, but that life was only guaranteed by the second.
Which meant that every second I had a choice to make, I had to choose what would really make me happy. What most people never learned was that sometimes what would make us happy the most also scares us the most. Sometimes being happy meant being brave.
I aimed to be brave every second of every day.
* * * * *
THE FRAGILE ORDINARYSAMANTHA YOUNG
Acknowledgments
Never have I written a book with a heroine I understand as much as I understand Comet. I tapped into so much of who I was as a teenager to write Comet’s story and it reminded me of the wonderful friendships from childhood that I am thankful for.
Ashleen, I am so grateful for your friendship and have been since we were twelve years old. You were the first friend I ever met who I felt truly understood me. When we sat in class together that first day of high school it was the first time I didn’t feel alone at school. And now here we are twenty years later, still best friends, and you’re still there for me even with an ocean between us. If your friendship wasn’t enough, you handle almost everything else business-related in my life. Because of that I could give all my focus to Comet’s story. You’re a rock star.
Also a big thanks to Shanine. You’ve taught me so much about what it means to be a good person, and I’ve learned by listening to how passionate you are what it means to be a fantastic teacher. Whenever I write a great teacher into my story, you are my muse. As are you, Kate. You are brilliant in every way. Thank you for all your advice regarding Mr. Stone and high school English.
Moreover, thank you to Margo Lipschultz for believing in me as a writer, for seeing the potential in Comet’s story and asking me to pursue it. And a massive thank you to my editor at Harlequin Teen, Natashya Wilson, not only for helping mold The Fragile Ordinary into the best possible version of itself, but for truly understanding Comet. It’s been an absolute pleasure working on her story with you.
Furthermore a huge thank you to the art team at Harlequin Teen for producing one of my favorite covers ever. I smile every time I see it.
These acknowledgments wouldn’t be complete without thanking my wonderful mum and dad. Comet and I may share many similarities but I’m glad to say I do not share her bad luck in parents. You are the best parents anyone could ask for. Thank you for dog-sitting my two little tornadoes while I hid myself away in the Highlands for a week to finish this book. I’m fortunate to know I can always count on you.
Speaking of, thank you to my agent Lauren Abramo. You always, always have my back. It means so much to me and I know I’ve said that a lot but it bears repeating.
And finally, as always, to you my reader: the biggest thank you of all.
The Impossible Vastness of Us
by Samantha Young
CHAPTER 1
“AND WHAT IS THIS?”
Jay and I broke apart from our kiss to find Hayley standing in the doorway. She stood looking young and attractive in her black-and-gold flight attendant uniform, glaring at us.
Her dark brown hair was pulled back in a severe bun that only accentuated her high cheekbones and big dark eyes. Hayley was really pretty and I’d been told I looked a lot like her. Except for the eyes. I had his eyes. People told me all the time how amazing my eyes were. I would have given anything for Hayley’s eyes.
I knew without a doubt that my looks were one of the reasons Jay James couldn’t quite give up on trying to get into my pants. Not that I was cynical or anything.
Jay was a year older than me, smart, but a total bad boy. Tattoos, check. Piercings, check. Motorcycle, check. Every girl in my school wanted a piece of him and for whatever reason he liked me.
We had been making out on my couch for about ten minutes. Jay had nice lips and I’d hoped that when he kissed me I’d feel something other than the wet touch of mouth and tongue against mouth and tongue.
The romance novels I’d found stashed in Hayley’s closet said I was supposed to feel all hot and tingly.
Kissing was supposed to be exciting.
I didn’t find it all that exciting. “Nice” was about as good as kissing had gotten for me. And as always my mind wandered due to the lack of excitement. This time it had wandered to Hayley. She was up to something. I knew it. As a flight attendant s
he was away a lot, but her trips were longer than usual. She was also acting weird and shifty, hiding her phone from me when it buzzed with a notification, and having whispered conversations in her bedroom. Something was up. I just hoped that something wasn’t a guy.
It was like my wayward thoughts had conjured her.
“This is Jay,” I said, crossing my arms over my chest in defiance at the stern look on her face.
I hated when she acted like she gave a crap.
“I don’t care who he is.” Hayley tried to fry his ass with her eyes. “You can leave.”
Jay stared back at her with as much defiance as I did, making me like him more. He turned to me and pressed a slow, intimate kiss to the corner of my mouth. “See you at school, babe.”
He laughed at the mischief in my eyes.
I waited until he’d brushed by Hayley without a word and I heard the front door close behind him. “Nice. Thanks.”
Hayley’s dark eyes narrowed into slits. “Don’t talk to me like that. I’m tired, it’s been a long day and now I come home and find my daughter being mauled by some walking hormone. Am I supposed to be happy that you’re dating some guy who looks like he’s seen the inside of prison more than once?”
“We’re not dating. We’re just fooling around.”
“Oh, well, then, why am I so upset?” She threw her hands up in exasperation.
“Hayley.”
She flinched, like she always flinched when I called her by her name (so she flinched a lot). “Don’t ‘Hayley’ me. I have a right to be upset about this.”
“Don’t be. I’m not serious about him. And I’m not getting pregnant. Anyway, you’re home early.”
“They put me on a shorter flight.” She dumped her purse on the couch as she moved farther into the room. “We’ll discuss Jay later. I need to tell you something.”
I tensed. “Yeah?”
She stared pensively at me for a few seconds before finally taking a seat by my side. “I’ve met someone.”