answer to his letter, and dated it at Liverpool, but sentit by messenger, alleging that it came in cover to a friend in town. Igave him joy of his deliverance, but raised some scruples at thelawfulness of his marrying again, and told him I supposed he wouldconsider very seriously upon that point before he resolved on it, theconsequence being too great for a man of his judgment to venture rashlyupon a thing of that nature; so concluded, wishing him very well inwhatever he resolved, without letting him into anything of my own mind,or giving any answer to his proposal of my coming to London to him, butmentioned at a distance my intention to return the latter end of theyear, this being dated in April.
I was brought to bed about the middle of May and had another brave boy,and myself in as good condition as usual on such occasions. Mygoverness did her part as a midwife with the greatest art and dexterityimaginable, and far beyond all that ever I had had any experience ofbefore.
Her care of me in my travail, and after in my lying in, was such, thatif she had been my own mother it could not have been better. Let nonebe encouraged in their loose practices from this dexterous lady'smanagement, for she is gone to her place, and I dare say has leftnothing behind her that can or will come up on it.
I think I had been brought to bed about twenty-two days when I receivedanother letter from my friend at the bank, with the surprising newsthat he had obtained a final sentence of divorce against his wife, andhad served her with it on such a day, and that he had such an answer togive to all my scruples about his marrying again, as I could notexpect, and as he had no desire of; for that his wife, who had beenunder some remorse before for her usage of him, as soon as she had theaccount that he had gained his point, had very unhappily destroyedherself that same evening.
He expressed himself very handsomely as to his being concerned at herdisaster, but cleared himself of having any hand in it, and that he hadonly done himself justice in a case in which he was notoriously injuredand abused. However, he said that he was extremely afflicted at it,and had no view of any satisfaction left in his world, but only in thehope that I would come and relieve him by my company; and then hepressed me violently indeed to give him some hopes that I would atleast come up to town and let him see me, when he would further enterinto discourse about it.
I was exceedingly surprised at the news, and began now seriously toreflect on my present circumstances, and the inexpressible misfortuneit was to me to have a child upon my hands, and what to do in it I knewnot. At last I opened my case at a distance to my governess. Iappeared melancholy and uneasy for several days, and she lay at mecontinually to know what trouble me. I could not for my life tell herthat I had an offer of marriage, after I had so often told her that Ihad a husband, so that I really knew not what to say to her. I owned Ihad something which very much troubled me, but at the same time toldher I could not speak of it to any one alive.
She continued importuning me several days, but it was impossible, Itold her, for me to commit the secret to anybody. This, instead ofbeing an answer to her, increased her importunities; she urged herhaving been trusted with the greatest secrets of this nature, that itwas her business to conceal everything, and that to discover things ofthat nature would be her ruin. She asked me if ever I had found hertattling to me of other people's affairs, and how could I suspect her?She told me, to unfold myself to her was telling it to nobody; that shewas silent as death; that it must be a very strange case indeed thatshe could not help me out of; but to conceal it was to deprive myselfof all possible help, or means of help, and to deprive her of theopportunity of serving me. In short, she had such a bewitchingeloquence, and so great a power of persuasion that there was noconcealing anything from her.
So I resolved to unbosom myself to her. I told her the history of myLancashire marriage, and how both of us had been disappointed; how wecame together, and how we parted; how he absolutely discharged me, asfar as lay in him, free liberty to marry again, protesting that if heknew it he would never claim me, or disturb or expose me; that Ithought I was free, but was dreadfully afraid to venture, for fear ofthe consequences that might follow in case of a discovery.
Then I told her what a good offer I had; showed her my friend's twolast letters, inviting me to come to London, and let her see with whataffection and earnestness they were written, but blotted out the name,and also the story about the disaster of his wife, only that she wasdead.
She fell a-laughing at my scruples about marrying, and told me theother was no marriage, but a cheat on both sides; and that, as we wereparted by mutual consent, the nature of the contract was destroyed, andthe obligation was mutually discharged. She had arguments for this atthe tip of her tongue; and, in short, reasoned me out of my reason; notbut that it was too by the help of my own inclination.
But then came the great and main difficulty, and that was the child;this, she told me in so many words, must be removed, and that so asthat it should never be possible for any one to discover it. I knewthere was no marrying without entirely concealing that I had had achild, for he would soon have discovered by the age of it that it wasborn, nay, and gotten too, since my parley with him, and that wouldhave destroyed all the affair.
But it touched my heart so forcibly to think of parting entirely withthe child, and, for aught I knew, of having it murdered, or starved byneglect and ill-usage (which was much the same), that I could not thinkof it without horror. I wish all those women who consent to thedisposing their children out of the way, as it is called, for decencysake, would consider that 'tis only a contrived method for murder; thatis to say, a-killing their children with safety.
It is manifest to all that understand anything of children, that we areborn into the world helpless, and incapable either to supply our ownwants or so much as make them known; and that without help we mustperish; and this help requires not only an assisting hand, whether ofthe mother or somebody else, but there are two things necessary in thatassisting hand, that is, care and skill; without both which, half thechildren that are born would die, nay, though they were not to bedenied food; and one half more of those that remained would be cripplesor fools, lose their limbs, and perhaps their sense. I question notbut that these are partly the reasons why affection was placed bynature in the hearts of mothers to their children; without which theywould never be able to give themselves up, as 'tis necessary theyshould, to the care and waking pains needful to the support of theirchildren.
Since this care is needful to the life of children, to neglect them isto murder them; again, to give them up to be managed by those peoplewho have none of that needful affection placed by nature in them, is toneglect them in the highest degree; nay, in some it goes farther, andis a neglect in order to their being lost; so that 'tis even anintentional murder, whether the child lives or dies.
All those things represented themselves to my view, and that is theblackest and most frightful form: and as I was very free with mygoverness, whom I had now learned to call mother, I represented to herall the dark thoughts which I had upon me about it, and told her whatdistress I was in. She seemed graver by much at this part than at theother; but as she was hardened in these things beyond all possibilityof being touched with the religious part, and the scruples about themurder, so she was equally impenetrable in that part which related toaffection. She asked me if she had not been careful and tender to mein my lying in, as if I had been her own child. I told her I owned shehad. 'Well, my dear,' says she, 'and when you are gone, what are youto me? And what would it be to me if you were to be hanged? Do youthink there are not women who, as it is their trade and they get theirbread by it, value themselves upon their being as careful of childrenas their own mothers can be, and understand it rather better? Yes,yes, child,' says she, 'fear it not; how were we nursed ourselves? Areyou sure you was nursed up by your own mother? and yet you look fat andfair, child,' says the old beldam; and with that she stroked me overthe face. 'Never be concerned, child,' says she, going on in herdrolling way; 'I have no murderers about me; I employ the best a
nd thehonestest nurses that can be had, and have as few children miscarryunder their hands as there would if they were all nursed by mothers; wewant neither care nor skill.'
She touched me to the quick when she asked if I was sure that I wasnursed by my own mother; on the contrary I was sure I was not; and Itrembled, and looked pale at the very expression. 'Sure,' said I tomyself, 'this creature cannot be a witch, or have any conversation witha spirit, that can inform her what was done with me before I was ableto know it myself'; and I looked at her as if I had been frightened;but reflecting that it could not be possible for her to know anythingabout me, that disorder went off, and I began to be easy, but it wasnot presently.
She perceived the disorder I was in, but did not know the meaning ofit; so she ran on in her wild talk upon the weakness of my supposingthat children were murdered because they were not all nursed by themother, and to