Well yes I am said Mr Salteena and so is this lady.
Very good sir said the noble footman if you will alight I will see toyour luggage there is a convayance awaiting you.
Oh thankyou thankyou said Mr. S. and he and Ethel stepped along theplatform. Outside they found a lovely cariage lined with olive greencushons to match the footman and the horses had green bridles and bowson their manes and tails. They got gingerly in. Will he bring ourluggage asked Ethel nervously.
I expect so said Mr Salteena lighting a very long cigar.
Do we tip him asked Ethel quietly.
Well no I dont think so not yet we had better just thank himperlitely.
Just then the footman staggered out with the bagage. Ethel bowedgracefully over the door of the cariage and Mr S. waved his [Pg 31] handas each bit of luggage was hoisted up to make sure it was all there.Then he said thankyou my good fellow very politely. Not at all sir saidthe footman and touching his cocked hat he jumped actively to the box.
I was right not to tip him whispered Mr Salteena the thing to do is toleave 2/6 on your dressing table when your stay is over.
Does he find it asked Ethel who did not really know at all how to goon at a visit. I beleeve so replied Mr Salteena anyhow it is quite thecustom and we cant help it if he does not. Now my dear what do youthink of the sceenery
Very nice said Ethel gazing at the rich fur rug on her knees. Justthen the cariage rolled into a beautifull drive with tall trees andbig red flowers growing amid shiny dark leaves. Presently the haughtycoachman pulled up with a great clatter at a huge front door with tallpillers each side a big iron bell and two very clean scrapers. Thedoors flung open as if by majic causing [Pg 32] Ethel to jump and a portlybutler appeared on the scene with a very shiny shirt front and a hugepale face. Welcome sir he exclaimed good naturedly as Mr Salteenaalighted rarther quickly from the viacle and please to step inside.
Mr Salteena stepped in as bid followed by Ethel. The footman againstruggled with the luggage and the butler Francis Minnit by namekindly lent a hand. The hall was very big and hung round with guns andmate and ancesters giving it a gloomy but a grand air. The butler thenshowed them down a winding corridoor till he came to a door which heflung open shouting Mr Salteena and a lady sir.
A tall man of 29 rose from the sofa. He was rarther bent in the middlewith very nice long legs fairish hair and blue eyes. Hullo Alf old boyhe cried so you have got here all safe and no limbs broken.
None thankyou Bernard replied Mr Salteena shaking hands and let meintroduce [Pg 33] Miss Monticue she is very pleased to come for thisvisit. Oh yes gasped Ethel blushing through her red ruge. Bernard lookedat her keenly and turned a dark red. I am glad to see you he said I hopeyou will enjoy it but I have not arranged any partys yet as I dontknow anybody.
Dont worry murmered Ethel I dont mix much in Socierty and she gave hima dainty smile.
I expect you would like some tea said Bernard I will ring.
Yes indeed we should said Mr Salteena egerly. Bernard pealed on thebell and the butler came in with a stately walk.
Tea please Minnit crid Bernard Clark. With pleshure sir replied Minnitwith a deep bow. A glorious tea then came in on a gold tray two kindsof bread and butter a lovly jam role and lots of sugar cakes. Ethelseyes began to sparkle and she made several remarks during the meal. Iexpect [Pg 34] you would now like to unpack said Bernard when it was over.
Well yes that is rarther an idear said Mr Salteena.
I have given the best spare room to Miss Monticue said Bernard with agallant bow and yours turning to Mr Salteena opens out of it so youwill be nice and friendly both the rooms have big windows and ahandsome view.
How charming said Ethel. Yes well let us go up replied Bernard and heled the way up many a winding stairway till they came to an oak doorwith some lovly swans and bull rushes painted on it. Here we are hecried gaily. Ethels room was indeed a handsome compartment with purplesilk curtains and a 4 post bed draped with the same shade. The toilitset was white and mouve and there were some violets in a costly varse.Oh I say cried Ethel in supprise. I am glad you like it said Bernardand here we have yours Alf. He opened [Pg 35] the dividing doors andportrayed a smaller but dainty room all in pale yellow and wildprimroses. My own room is next the bath room said Bernard it isdecerated dark red as I have somber tastes. The bath room has got atip up bason and a hose thing for washing your head.
A good notion said Mr Salteena who was secretly getting jellus.
Here we will leave our friends to unpack and end this Chapter.
[Pg 36]CHAPTER 3
THE FIRST EVENING
When they had unpacked Mr Salteena and Ethel went downstairs todinner. Mr Salteena had put on a compleat evening suit as he thoughtit was the correct idear and some ruby studs he had got at a sale.Ethel had on a dress of yellaw silk covered with tulle which was quitein the fashion and she had on a necklace which Mr Salteena gave herfor a birthday present. She looked very becomeing and pretty andBernard heaved a sigh as he gave her his arm to go into dinner. Thebutler Minnit was quite ready for the fray standing up very stiff andsurrounded by two footmen in green plush and curly white wigs who werecalled Charles and Horace.
Well said Mr Salteena lapping up his [Pg 37] turtle soup you have avery sumpshous house Bernard.
His friend gave a weary smile and swollowed a few drops of sherrywine. It is fairly decent he replied with a bashful glance at Ethelafter our repast I will show you over the premisis.
Many thanks said Mr Salteena getting rarther flustered with his forks.
You ourght to give a ball remarked Ethel you have such largecompartments.
Yes there is room enough sighed Bernard we might try a few steps andmeanwhile I might get to know a few peaple.
So you might responded Ethel giving him a speaking look.
Mr Salteena was growing a little peevish but he cheered up when thePort wine came on the table and the butler put round some costlyfinger bowls. He did not have any in his own house and he followedBernard Clarks advice as to what to do with them. After dinner Ethelplayed some [Pg 38] merry tunes on the piano and Bernard responded witha rarther loud song in a base voice and Ethel clapped him a good deal.Then Mr Salteena asked a few riddles as he was not musicle. ThenBernard said shall I show you over my domain and they strolled intothe gloomy hall.
I see you have a lot of ancesters said Mr Salteena in a jelous tone,who are they.
Well said Bernard they are all quite correct. This is my aunt Carolineshe was rarther exentrick and quite old.
So I see said Mr Salteena and he passed on to a lady with a very tightwaist and quearly shaped. That is Mary Ann Fudge my grandmother Ithink said Bernard she was very well known in her day.
Why asked Ethel who was rarther curious by nature.
Well I dont quite know said Bernard but she was and he moved away tothe next picture. It was of a man with a fat smiley face and a redribbon round him and a lot [Pg 39] of medals. My great uncle AmbroseFudge said Bernard carelessly.
He looks a thourough ancester said Ethel kindly.
Well he was said Bernard in a proud tone he was really the Sinisterson of Queen Victoria.
Not really cried Ethel in excited tones but what does that mean.
Well I dont quite know said Bernard Clark it puzzles me very much butancesters do turn quear at times.
Peraps it means god son said Mr Salteena in an inteligent voice.
Well I dont think so said Bernard but I mean to find out.
It is very grand anyhow said Ethel.
It is that replied her host geniully.
Who is this said Mr Salteena halting at a picture of a lady holding upsome grapes and smiling a good deal.
Her name was called Minnie Pilato responded Bernard she was rartherfar back [Pg 40] but a real relation and she was engaged to the earl ofTullyvarden only it did not quite come off.
What a pity crid Ethel.
Yes it was rarther replied Bernard but she marrid a Captain in theNavy and had
seven children so she was quite alright.
Here Mr Salteena thourght he had better go to bed as he had had a longjornney. Bernard always had a few prayers in the hall and some whiskeyafterwards as he was rarther pious but Mr Salteena was not veryadicted to prayers so he marched up to bed. Ethel stayed as shethourght it would be a good thing. The butler came in as he was a veryholy man and Bernard piously said the Our Father and a very good hymmcalled I will keep my anger down and a Decad of the Rosary. Ethelchimed in quiutly and Francis Minnit was most devout and Ethelthourght what a good holy family she was stopping with. So I will endmy chapter.
[Pg 41]CHAPTER 4
MR SALTEENAS PLAN
Mr Salteena woke up rarther early next day and was supprised anddelighted to find Horace the footman entering with a cup of tea.
Oh thankyou my man said Mr Salteena rolling over in the costly bed. MrClark is nearly out of the bath sir anounced Horace I will have greatplesure in turning it on for you if such is your desire. Well yes youmight said Mr Salteena seeing it was the idear and Horace gave aprofound bow.
Ethel are you getting up shouted Mr Salteena.
Very nearly replied Ethel faintly from the next room.
I say said Mr Salteena excitedly I have had some tea in bed.
[Pg 42]So have I replied Ethel.
Then Mr Salteena got into a mouve dressing goun with yellaw tasslesand siezing his soap he wandered off to the bath room which was mostsumpshous. It had a lovly white shiny bath and sparkling taps andseveral towels arrayed in readiness by thourghtful Horace. It also hada step for climbing up the bath and other good dodges of a richnature. Mr Salteena washed himself well and felt very much better.After brekfast Mr Salteena asked Bernard if he could have some priviteconversation with him. Well yes replied Bernard if you will come intomy study we can have a few words.
Cant I come too muttered Ethel sulkily.
No my dear said Mr Salteena this is privite.
Perhaps later I might have a privite chat with you Miss Monticue saidBernard kindly.
Oh do lets said Ethel.
[Pg 43]Then Bernard and Mr S. strolled to the study and sat upon two armchairs. Fire away said Bernard lighting his pipe. Well I cant exactlydo that said Mr Salteena in slow tones it is a searious matter and youcan advise me as you are a thorugh gentleman I am sure.
Well yes said Bernard what can I do for you eh Alf?
You can help me perhaps to be more like a gentleman said Mr Salteenagetting rarther hot I am quite alright as they say but I would like tobe the real thing can it be done he added slapping his knees.
I dont quite know said Bernard it might take a good time.
Might it said Mr S. but I would slave for years if need be. Bernardscratched his head. Why dont you try the Crystal Pallace he askedseveral peaple Earls and even dukes have privite compartments there.
But I am not an Earl said Mr Salteena in a purplexed tone.
[Pg 44]True replied Bernard but I understand there are sort of students therewho want to get into the War Office and notable banks.
Would that be a help asked Mr Salteena egerly.
Well it might said Bernard I can give you a letter to my old pal theEarl of Clincham who lives there he might rub you up and by mixingwith him you would probably grow more seemly.
Oh ten thousand thanks said Mr Salteena I will go there as soon as itcan be arranged if you would be so kind as to keep an eye on Ethelwhile I am away.
Oh yes said Bernard I may be running up to town for a few days and shecould come too.
You are too kind said Mr Salteena and I dont think you will find herany trouble.
No I dont think I shall said Bernard she is a pretty girl cheerful andactive. And he blushed rarther red.
[Pg 45]CHAPTER 5
THE CRYSTAL PALACE
About 9 oclock next morning Mr Salteena stood bag in hand in theancestle hall waiting for the viacle to convay him to the station.Bernard Clark and Ethel were seated side by side on a costly sofagazing abstractly at the parting guest. Horace had dashed off to puton his cocked hat as he was going in the baroushe but Francis Minnitwas roaming about the hall well prepared for any deed.
Well said Bernard puffing at his meershum pipe I hope you will get onAlf I am sure you have that little letter to old Clincham eh
In deed I have said Mr Salteena many thanks for the same and I do hopeEthel will behave properly.
[Pg 46]Oh yes I expect she will said Bernard with a sigh.
I always do said Ethel in a snappy tone.
Just then there was a great clatter outside and the sound of hoofs anda loud neigh. The barouche I take it said Bernard rising slowly.
Quite correct sir said Minnit flinging wide the portles.
Well goodbye Alf old man said Bernard Clark good luck and God blessyou he added in a pius tone.
Not at all said Mr Salteena I have enjoyed my stop which has beenshort and sweet well goodbye Ethel my child he said as bag in hand heproceeded to the door. Francis Minnit bowed low and handed a smallparcel to Mr Salteena a few sandwighs for the jorney sir he remarked.
Oh this is most kind said Mr Salteena.
Minnit closed his eyes with a tired smile. Not kind sir he mutteredquite usual.
Oh really said Mr Salteena feeling rather [Pg 47] flabergasted wellgoodbye my good fellow and he slipped 2/6 into the butlers open palm.
Mr Salteena had to travel first class as active Horace ran on to buythe ticket which he presented with a low bow the _Times_ and_Tit-Bits_. Oh many thanks my man said Mr Salteena in a most airyvoice now will you find me a corner seat in the train eh.
If there is one sir replied Horace.
In got Mr Salteena to his first class carrage surrounded by hisluggage carefully piled up by kindly Horace. The other pasengerslooked full of envy at the curly white wig and green plush uniform ofHorace. Mr Salteena crossed his legs in a lordly way and flung a furrug over his knees though he was hot enough in all consciunce. Hebegan to feel this was the thin end of the partition and he smiled ashe gently tapped the letter in his coat tail pocket. When Mr Salteenaarrived in [Pg 48] London he began to strolle up the principle streetsthinking how gay all was. Presently he beheld a resterant with a bigMenu outside and he went boldly in.
It was a sumpshous spot all done up in gold with plenty of lookingglasses. Many hansome ladies and gentlemen were already partaking ofchoice food and rich wines and whiskey and the scene was most lively.Mr Salteena had a little whiskey to make him feel more at home. Thenhe eat some curry to the tune of a merry valse on the band. He beattime to the music and smiled kindly at the waiters and he felt veryexcited inside. I am seeing life with a vengance he muttered tohimself as he paid his bill at the desk. Outside Mr Salteena found atall policeman. Could you direct me to the Crystale Pallace if youplease said Mr Salteena nervously.
Well said the geniul policeman my advice would be to take a cab sir.
[Pg 49]Oh would it said Mr Salteena then I will do so.
He hailed a Hansome and got speedily in to the Crystal Palace he criedgaily and holding his bag on his knees he prepared to enjoy the sightsof the Metropilis. It was a merry drive and all too soon the Palaceheaved in view. Mr Salteena sprang out and paid the man and then heentered the wondrous edifice. His heart beat very fast as two huge menin gold braid flung open the doors. Inside was a lovely fountain inthe middle and all round were little stalls where you could buy sweetsand lemonade also scent handkerchiefs and many dainty articles. Therewere a lot of peaple but nobody very noteable.
At last after buying two bottles of scent and some rarther nice sweetswhich stuck to his teeth Mr Salteena beheld a wooden door on which wasnailed a notice saying To the Privite Compartments.
Ah ha said Mr Salteena to himself this is [Pg 50] evidently my next move,and he gently pushed open the door straitening his top hat as he did so.Inside he found himself in a dimly lit passage with a thick andhandsom carpet. Mr Salteena gazed round and beheld in the gloom a verysuperier gentleman in full evening dress who wa
s reading a newspaperand warming his hands on the hot water pipes. Mr Salteena advanced ontiptoe and coughed gently as so far the gentleman had paid noattention. However at the second cough he raised his eyes in a wearyfashion. do you want anything he asked in a most noble voice.
Mr Salteena got very flustered. Well I am seeking the Earl of Clinchamhe began in a trembly voice are you by any chance him he added mostrespectfully.
No not exacktly replied the other my name happens to be EdwardProcurio. I am half italian and I am the Groom of the Chambers.
[Pg 51]What chambers asked Mr Salteena blinking his eyes.
These said Edward Procurio waving a thin arm.
Mr Salteena then noticed several red doors with names of people oneach one. Oh I see he said then perhaps you can tell me where the Earlof Clincham is to be found.
At the end of the passage fourth door down said Procurio tritely ofcourse he may be out one never knows what they are up to.
I suppose not said Mr Salteena in an interested tone.
One can not gamble on anything really said Procurio returning to thehot water pipes though of course I know a lot more than most peapleabout the inmates here.
What are the habbits of the Earl of Clincham said Mr Salteena.
Procurio gave a smile many and varius he replied I cant say much in myposition [Pg 52] but one lives and learns. He heaved a sigh and shrugedhis shoulders.