Well good day said Mr Salteena feeling better for the chat.
Procurio nodded in silence as Mr Salteena trotted off down thepassage. At last he came to a door labelled Clincham Earl of in bigletters. With a beating heart Mr Salteena pulled the bell and the doorswung open of its own accord. At the same moment a cheery voice rangout from the distance. Come in please I am in the study first door onleft.
With a nervous bound Mr Salteena obeyd these directions and foundhimself in a small but handsome compartment done in dark green letherwith crests on the chairs. Over the mantlepiece was hung the paintingof a lady in a low neck looking quite the thing. By the desk wasseated a tall man of 35 with very nice eyes of a twinkly nature andcurly hair he wore a quite plain suit of palest grey but well [Pg 53]made and on the table reposed a grey top hat which had evidently beenon his head recently. He had a rose in his button hole also a signetring.
Hullo said this pleasant fellow as Mr. Salteena was spell bound onmat.
Hullo your Lord Ship responded our hero bowing low and dropping histop hat do I adress the Earl of Clincham.
You do said the Earl with a homely smile and who do I adress eh.
Our hero bowed again Alfred Salteena he said in deep tones.
Oh I see said the kindly earl well come in my man and tell me who youare.
Mr Salteena seated himself gingerly on the edge of a crested chair.
To tell you the truth my Lord I am not anyone of import and I am not agentleman as they say he ended getting very red and hot.
Have some whiskey said lord Clincham and he poured the liquid into aglass at his [Pg 54] elbow. Mr. Salteena lapped it up thankfully.
Well my man said the good natured earl what I say is what dose itmatter we cant all be of the Blood royal can we.
No said Mr Salteena but I suppose you are.
Lord Clincham waved a careless hand. A small portion flows in my vienshe said but it dose not worry me at all and after all he added piouslyat the Day of Judgement what will be the odds.
Mr Salteena heaved a sigh. I was thinking of this world he said.
Oh I see said the Earl but my own idear is that these things are aspiffle before the wind.
Not being an earl I cant say answered our hero but may I beg you toread this letter my Lord. He produced Bernards note from his coattails. The Earl of Clincham took it in his long fingers. This is whathe read.
[Pg 55] My dear Clincham
The bearer of this letter is an old friend of mine not quite the right side of the blanket as they say in fact he is the son of a first rate butcher but his mother was a decent family called Hyssopps of the Glen so you see he is not so bad and is desireus of being the correct article. Could you rub him up a bit in Socierty ways. I dont know much details about him but no doubt he will supply all you need. I am keeping well and hope you are. I must run up to the Compartments one day and look you up.
Yours as ever your faithfull friend Bernard Clark.
The Earl gave a slight cough and gazed at Mr Salteena thourghtfully.
Have you much money he asked and are you prepared to spend a gooddeal.
Oh yes quite gasped Mr Salteena I have plenty in the bank and L10 inready gold in my purse.
[Pg 56]You see these compartments are the haunts of the Aristockracy said theearl and they are kept going by peaple who have got something funny intheir family and who want to be less mere if you can comprehend.
Indeed I can said Mr Salteena.
Personally I am a bit parshial to mere people said his Lordship butthe point is that we charge a goodly sum for our training here buthowever if you cant pay you need not join.
I can and will proclaimed Mr Salteena and he placed a L10 note on thedesk. His Lordship slipped it in his trouser pocket. It will be L42before I have done with you he said but you can pay me here and thereas convenient.
Oh thankyou cried Mr Salteena.
Not at all said the Earl and now to bissness. While here you will livein compartments in the basement known as Lower Range. You will getmany hints from the Groom of the Chambers as to clothes and [Pg 57]ettiquett to menials. You will mix with me for grammer and I might takeyou out hunting or shooting sometimes to give you a few tips. Also Ihave lots of ladies partys which you will attend occasionally.
Mr Salteenas eyes flashed with excitement. I shall enjoy that hecried.
His Lordship coughed loudly. You may not marry while under instructionhe said firmly.
Oh I shall not need to thankyou said Mr Salteena.
You must also decide on a profeshion said his Lordship as yourinstruction will vary according.
Could I be anything at Buckingham Pallace said Mr Salteena withflashing eyes.
Oh well I dont quite know said the noble earl but you might perhapsgallopp beside the royal baroushe if you care to try.
Oh indeed I should cried Mr Salteena I am very fond of fresh air androyalties.
Well said the earl with a knowing smile [Pg 58] I might arrange it withthe prince of Wales who I am rarther intimate with.
Not really gasped Mr Salteena.
Dear me yes remarked the earl carelessly and if we decide for you togallopp by the royal viacle you must be mesured for some plushknickerbockers at once.
Mr Salteena glanced at his rarther fat legs and sighed.
Well I must go out now and call on a few Dowigers said his Lordshippicking up his elegent top hat. Well au revoir he added with a goodfrench accent.
Adieu my Lord cried Mr Salteena not to be out done we meet anon I takeit.
Not till tomorrow answered the earl you will now proceed to the lowerregions where you will no doubt find tea. He nodded kindly and glidedout in silence.
Here I will end my chapter.
[Pg 59]CHAPTER 6
HIGH LIFE
Mr Salteena awoke next morning in his small but pleasant room. It wasdone in green and white with Monagrams on the toilit set. He had atiny white bed with a green quilt and a picture of the Nativaty andone of Windsor Castle on the walls. The sun was shining over all thesethings as Mr Salteena opened his sleepy eyes. Just then there was rattat on the door. Come in called Mr Salteena and in came EdwardProcurio ballancing a tray very cleverly. He looked most elegant withhis shiny black hair and pale yellow face and half shut eyes. Hesmiled in a very mystearious and superier way as he placed the tray onMr Salteenas pointed knees.
Your early beverage he announced and [Pg 60] began to pull up the blindsstill smiling to himself.
Oh thankyou cried Mr Salteena feeling very towzld compared to thisgrand fellow. Then to his great supprise Procurio began to open thewardrobe and look at Mr Salteenas suits making italian exclamationsunder his breath. Mr Salteena dare not say a word so he swollowed histea and eat a Marie biscuit hastilly. Presently Procurio advanced tothe bed with a bright blue serge suit. Will you wear this today sir heasked quietly.
Oh certainly said Mr Salteena.
And a clean shirt would not come amiss said Procurio what about thispale blue and white stripe.
With pleashure replied Mr Salteena. So Procurio laid them out in neatarray also a razer and brush for shaving. Then he opened a door sayingThis is the bath room shall I turn on hot or cold.
[Pg 61]I dont mind said Mr Salteena feeling very hot and ignorant.
It is best for you to decide sir said Procurio firmly.
Well I will try cold said Mr Salteena feeling it was more manly to saythat. Procurio bowed and beat a retreat to the bath room. Then hereturned and told Mr. Salteena that when he was washed he would findhis breakfast in the sitting room. When Mr Salteena was dressed in hisbest blue suit and clean shirt he stroled into the sitting room wherea gay canary was singing fit to burst in the window and a copple ofdoves cooing in a whicker cage. A cheery smell greeted him as Procurioglided in with some steaming coffie. Mr Salteena felt more at home andpassed a few remarks about the weather. Procurio smiled and uncoveredsome love
ly kidnys on toast and as he did so bent and whispered in MrSalteenas ear you could have come in in your dressing gown.
[Pg 62]Mr Salteena gave a start. Oh can I he said ten thousand thanks.
Then Procurio passed out and Mr Salteena finnished his kidneys andchiruped to the birds and had a cigarette from a handsome purple boxwhich he found on the desk. Then Procurio entered once more and with abow said. His lordship is going to a levie this morning and thinks itmight amuse you to go too. Could you be ready by 11 oclock.
Oh yes what fun said Mr Salteena have you any notion what a levie ismy man.
Procurio gave a superier smile. It is a party given by the Queen tovery superier peaple but this one is given by the Prince of Wales asthe Queen is not quite her usual self today. It will be at Buckinghampalace so you will drive with his lordship.
Mr Salteena was fearfully excited. What shall I weare he gasped.
Well of course you ought to have black satin knickerbockers and a hatwith white [Pg 63] feathers also garters and a star or two.
You supprise me said Mr Salteena I have none of those articles.
Well said Procurio kindly his lordship will lend you his second bestcocked hat as you are obliged to wear one and I think with a littlethourght I might rig you up so as to pass muster.
Then they rumaged among Mr Salteenas things and Procurio got veryintelligent and advised Mr Salteena to were his black evening suit androle up his trousers. He also lent him a pair of white silk stockingswhich he fastened tightly round his knees with red rosettes. Then hequickly cut out a star in silver paper and pinned it to his chest andalso added a strip of red ribbon across his shirt front. Then MrSalteena survayed himself in the glass. Is it a fancy dress party heasked.
No they always were that kind of thing but wait till you see hisLordship--if you are ready sir I will conduct you in.
[Pg 64]Mr Salteena followed Procurio up countless stairs till they came tothe Earls compartments and tapped on the bedroom door.
Come in cried a merry voice and in they strode.
I have done my best with Mr Salteena my lord I trust he will do thehat of course will make a deal of diffrence.
Mr Salteena bowed nervously wishing he had got correct knickerbockersas his trousers did not feel too firm in spite of the garters.
Not half bad cried the earl try on the hat Salteena it is on my bed.Mr Salteena placed it on his head and the feathers and gold braidbecame him very well but he felt very jellous of the earl who looked asight for the gods. He had proper satin knickerbockers with diamondclasps and buckled shoes and black silk stockings which showed up hislong fine legs. He had a floppy shirt of softist muslin with real lacecollar and cuffs. A sword hung at [Pg 65] his side and a crimson sashwas round his waist and a splendid cocked hat on his head. His blueeyes twinkled as he pulled on a pair of white kid gloves.
Well come on Salteena he cried and dont be nervus I will get you apair of knickers tomorrow. Will you get a hansome Procurio.
Presently the earl and Mr Salteena were clattering away to Buckinghampalace.
You wont mind if I introduce you as Lord Hyssops do you said the earlas he lit his pipe. You see you are sort of mixed up with the familyso it wont matter and will look better.
So it would said Mr Salteena what do we do at the levie.
Oh we strole round and eat ices and champaigne and that kind of thingand sometimes there is a little music.
Is there any dancing asked Mr Salteena.
Well not always said the Earl.
I am glad of that said Mr Salteena I am [Pg 66] not so nimble as I wasand my garters are a trifle tight.
Sometimes we talk about the laws and politics said the earl if HerMajesty is in that kind of a mood.
Just then the splendid edifice appeared in view and Mr Salteena lickedhis dry lips at sight of the vast crowd. All round were carrages fullof costly peaple and outside the railings stood tall Life Guardskeeping off the mere peaple who had gathered to watch the nobilityclatter up. Lord Clincham began to bow right and left raising hiscocked hat to his friends. There was a lot of laughter and friendlywords as the cab finally drew up at the front door. Two tall lifeguards whisked open the doors and one of them kindly tipped thecabman. Mr Salteena followed his lordship up the grand steps trying tofeel as homely as he could. Then a splendid looking fellow in a redtunick and a sort of black velvit tam a [Pg 67] shanter stepped forwardfrom the throng shouting what name please.
The Earl of Clincham and Lord Hyssops calmly replied the earl gentlynudging Mr Salteena to act up. Mr Salteena nodded and blinked at themenial as much as to say all is well and then he and the earl hung uptheir cocked hats on two pegs. This way cried a deep voice and anothermenial apeared wearing stiff white britches top boots and a greenvelvit coat with a leather belt also a very shiny top hat. Theyfollowed this fellow down countless corridoors and finally came to bigfolding doors. The earl twiddled his mustache and slapped his leg withhis white glove as calmly as could be. Mr Salteena purspired rartherhard and gave a hitch to his garters to make sure.
Then the portles divided and their names were shouted in chorus bycountless domesticks. The sumshious room was packed with men of anoble nature dressed like the earl in satin knickerboccers etc andwith [Pg 68] ladies of every hue with long trains and jewels by thedozen. You could hardly moove in the gay throng. Dukes were as noughtas there were a good lot of princes and Arch Dukes as it was a verysuperier levie indeed. The earl and Mr Salteena struggled through thecrowd till they came to a platform draped with white velvit. Here on agolden chair was seated the prince of Wales in a lovely ermine cloakand a small but costly crown. He was chatting quite genially with someof the crowd.
Up clambered the earl followed at top speed by Mr Salteena.
Hullo Clincham cried the Prince quite homely and not at all grand soglad you turned up--quite a squash eh.
A bit over powering your Highness said the earl who was quite used toall this may I introduce my friend Lord Hyssops he is staying with meso I thought I would bring him along if you dont mind Prince.
Not at all cried the genial prince looking [Pg 69] rarther supprised.Mr Salteena bowed so low he nearly fell off the platform and as theprince put out a hand Mr Salteena thought he had better kiss it. ThePrince smiled kindly I am pleased to see you Lord Hyssops he said in aregal voice.
Then the Earl chipped in and how is the dear Queen he said reveruntly.
Not up to much said his Highness she feels the heat poor soul and hewaved to a placard which said in large letters The Queen isindisposed.
Presently his Highness rose I think I will have a quiet glass ofchampaigne he said you come too Clincham and bring your friend theDiplomats are arriving and I am not much in the mood for deep talk Ihave already signed a dozen documents so I have done my duty.
They all went out by a private door and found themselves in a smallerbut gorgous room. The Prince tapped on the table and instantly twomenials in red tunics appeared. [Pg 70] Bring three glasses of champaignecommanded the prince and some ices he added majestikally. The goodsappeared as if by majic and the prince drew out a cigar case andpassed it round.
One grows weary of Court Life he remarked.
Ah yes agreed the earl.
It upsets me said the prince lapping up his strawberry ice all I wantis peace and quiut and a little fun and here I am tied down to thislife he said taking off his crown being royal has many painfulldrawbacks.
True mused the Earl.
Silence fell and the strains of the band could be heard from the nextroom. Suddenly the prince gazed at Mr Salteena. Who did you say youwere he asked in a puzzled tone.
Lord Hyssops responded our hero growing purple at the lie.
Well you are not a bit like the Lord [Pg 71] Hyssops I know replied thePrince could you explain matters.
Mr Salteena gazed helplessly at the earl who had grown very pale andseemed lost for the moment. However he quickly recovered.
He is quite alright really Prince he said His mother was ca
lled MissHyssops of the Glen.
Indeed said his royal Highness that sounds correct but who was yourfather eh.
Then Mr Salteena thourght he would not tell a lie so in trembly toneshe muttered My poor father was but a butcher your Highness a veryhonest one I may add and passing rich he was called Domonic Salteenaand my name is Alfred Salteena.
The Prince stroked his yellow beard and rarther admired Mr Salteenafor his truthful utterance--Oh I see he said well why did you palm offon my menials as Lord Hyssops eh
Mr Salteena wiped his swetting brow but [Pg 72] the earl came to therescue nobly. My fault entirely Prince he chimed in, as I was bringinghim to this very supearier levie I thought it would be better to say hewas of noble birth have I offended your Royal dignity.
Not much said the prince it was a laudible notion and perhaps I willask Mr Salteena to one of my big balls some day.
Oh your Highness gasped our hero falling on one knee that would indeedbe a treat.
I suppose Prince you have not got a job going at this palace for myfriend asked the earl you see I am rubbing him up in socierty ways andhe fancies court life as a professhon.
Oh dose he said the prince blinking his eyes well I might see.
I suggested if there was a vacency going he might try cantering afterthe royal barouche said the earl.
So he might said the prince I will speak [Pg 73] to the prime Ministerabout it and let you know.
Ten thousand thanks cried Mr Salteena bowing low.