darting around were completely bloodshot and bulging. His body rolled towards me and I stepped back. The groin of his jeans grew wet as he passed urine and I would guess from the smell that he had also just soiled himself as well. He started to regain movement in his right arm, his hand grabbed the knife and started to pull it out. Blood sprayed out from the hole he had created and he let go.
Then he stopped, and stayed stopped.
I ran. I didn’t know where I was heading at first but I had to get away from that lane.
I would go to my house and come up with a plan was the idea that grew in my head as I ran. There was no way I was going to hang around and go to prison for killing Todd. I decided that I was going to do a runner. I could always hand myself in if I decided to, but I could not do the reverse.
I reached my house. I ran upstairs and pulled out my rucksack from the bottom of my wardrobe. I stuffed it with enough clothes for a couple of days, making sure there were plenty of jumpers and a fleece, underwear, some toiletries and a towel. I grabbed my wallet and ran into my parents’ room where I found £30 in notes and some loose change on the floor. In the kitchen I picked up a few tins of beans and some microwave pasta and rice packets, I figure they would taste bad but would be edible none the less. I collected a tin opener and a lighter from the drawer and filled up my water bottle I use for PE and headed out into the garden. I went out to the shed where I grabbed the tent, sleeping bag, torch and camping stove. Before leaving I ran upstairs picked up the Sony Vista (I figured that I could sell it if I was desperate) and headed out.
I decided that I had to get away from Worthing and away from people as soon as possible. The chances were that Ryan had already reported what had happened and that the police had already found the body and were very soon going to be looking for me. I walked fast, but not too fast, I didn’t want to arouse too much suspicion. It was already strange enough that I had a full rucksack on my back walking through the streets of Worthing. I stuck to the lanes wherever possible, I wanted as few people as possible to see me.
I headed up through the park at Hill Barn, past the golf course and up onto the South Downs. I figured that if I got out into the countryside then the minimum amount of people would see me. Luckily the pathway was very quiet. Two people were all I came across on my way to the top of the Cissbury Ring. Each time I hid in the dense foliage to the side of the path until they passed by.
I got to the top of the hill and had to make a decision. East would take me towards Brighton and west towards Winchester. West was my decision as I figured there would be less people, it’s away from the city and the population around the South Downs Way had to by significantly smaller. I know that the New Forest is near Southampton which could provide me with a place to camp undetected until I had come to a clear decision about what I was going to do.
I set off west and walked as the sun came down with nobody around for miles. I started to think more clearly as my pulse started to drop. I began asking myself questions:
• What would happen if I turned around and handed myself in?
• Can I go to prison for this?
• Am I really guilty, or is this self-defence?
• What will Sasha think?
• What will my parents think?
• Will I see Sasha again?
• Will it be worse for me the longer I stay away?
• Could the police think someone else did it?
• Could I get away with denying I did it?
I had no answers, so I just kept walking.
I reached an area of trees just south of the South Downs Way path and decided that I would head into and set up camp for the night. I figured that it was as obscure an area as I could find and it was starting to get really dark.
I quickly pitched the tent and clambered inside with all of my earthly positions. I have never felt so alone, I have never been so scared. I lay down in my sleeping bag, still fully dressed and absolutely freezing and carried on thinking.
What a mess, it is amazing how a single moment can set up an entirely different future. I have no idea how I am going to deal with this. Things were going so well, I have an amazing girlfriend, a loving family, school is finally going well. I know what I should do, I should turn right around, and head back home and face the music. Who knows, the police may understand that I acted in self-defence. But what if they didn’t? What if Ryan lied, what if I had to spend years in prison. I don’t think I could cope with that. Like I said, I can always hand myself in… but once I do, that’s that and it’s out of my hands, forever.
Today I have decided just to stay put and keep a low profile, I had walked a fair distance yesterday evening. I had crossed the A24 and I am pretty sure I am just south of Amberley. I figured that I would have been on the news and probably on some papers this morning so I have pretty much sat in the tent for most of the day. Police would be looking for me, and this is a logical route out of Worthing. So logical that I took it. The police may have dogs and items of clothing from my house with my scent on. It was wise to stay put, I have found a really obscured dense bit of woods, and the chances of someone walking past me were very small. I have ventured out a couple of times to stretch my legs and back and covered the tent the best I could with fallen leaves and sticks to camouflage it. I tried eating one of the packets of microwave rice at lunch time, Uncle Ben’s Mexican Rice. I have had it hot and it just passes for food, cold it’s pretty much unbearable, like eating slimy gravel with a hint of chili. I am halfway through my supply of water so will probably need to try and get some tomorrow, but the more I think about it the more sense it makes to stay put here for a couple of days at least. I have checked my money situation and I have a grand total of £34.53 which is not too bad, but it’s not going to last very long. Whatever I decide to do, I need to decide it very quickly.
God I miss Sasha, fuck knows what I’m going to do about this.
Thursday, March 23rd
I have never wondered what it would be like to kill someone, it’s never even crossed my mind. But now that I have done it, albeit by accident, I am not too sure what to think. I don’t feel guilty at the moment, but maybe that will change as time goes by. The way I look at it, is that he attacked me and he pulled the knife. The only mistake I think I made was actually picking up the knife, I should have kicked the knife and run. I should have not walked up the lane. I should have stayed in the library. I should have booked a taxi. I should, I should, I should.
I didn’t sleep well last night to say the least. I have no camping mat, so the only thing separating my spinal cord from the ice cold earth is a tiny sheet of nylon and a pathetically thin summer sleeping bag.
I woke up every half an hour or so, either due to the relentless cold, pain in my back or through the series of disturbing dreams I was having. Thankfully none of my dreams were about Todd, but there was one I had a few times.
It started with me entering a huge hotel. I stood in the atrium and looked around, it was like a huge hive with tunnels swirling out of view at every height and direction. I knew where I was going, to my room. I took a tunnel and walked. The ancient art deco electric candles on the wall flickered as I continued, walking and walking. After a few minutes I arrived at my room and started to search for my key. I could not find it.
From inside the room I could hear a voice, I pressed my ear up to the door to hear more clearly. It was Sasha and she sounded distressed, maybe even gagged. “Sasha!” I screamed over and over, but the noise on the other side of the door had stopped.
I turned and ran back down the corridor to the atrium in the hope of finding the reception and a replacement key, the lights flickered more and more. A creak behind me made me spin around. The tunnel was closing in, I turned again and sprinted. The tunnel behind was collapsing in on itself at great speed I felt wind rushing fast towards me pushing me back. I tried to run faster but the floor seemed sticky and it was getting more and more difficult; my legs ached.
I stumbled and fell forwar
ds and the tunnel collapsed around my legs, quickly up to my hips, then chest. I woke.
I am not much of an expert in dreams, but I am certain that this one symbolises my situation. I can’t get back to what I had, what I love and the way ahead looks impossible. But the tunnel hasn’t collapsed around me, yet.
I spent most of the day in the tent trying to keep warm and out of the way. I really had picked a great spot, not one single person, or animal for that matter passed me. I heard no voices, nothing, just the occasional whistle of the wind around the tent or leaf gently hitting the top of the tent.
I dozed a lot, so much that I started to become quite disorientated. I regularly got out of the tent and stretched my legs and back, walking in close rings around the tent.
I wonder what’s going on at home, what must they be thinking? How will they be coping? I’m sure that even my irritating little brother is missing me, I certainly miss him.
As the darkness drew in I finished my meal of un-microwaved microwave pasta and settled down to allow sleep to take me away from this place. It seemed that another sleepless night lay ahead.
Friday, March 24th
Sometimes being right is not a good thing.
As soon as my head touched down on my folded-up coat I started thinking about the story Jack had told on our eventful camping