She laughed, loving how he made things so easy when she would only have made it awkward. She told him her number and he typed it into his phone, then called her so that she had his number, too.
"By the way," he said after he'd slipped his phone back into his pocket, "have you ever thought about embracing the digital age and losing some of these hardcovers you carry around all the time? It'll save your back."
"Or yours," she said with a grin, "since you're the one carrying my bag everywhere lately."
"So, what's your meeting about?"
She'd been so nervous about this meeting with her professor, but being with Sean helped keep those nerves at bay. "I'm giving my professor feedback on some new material he's put together for my class on novels. I pored over everything he sent me to look at this weekend and I'm hoping I can deliver whatever it is he's looking for."
"I'm sure you'll do great."
She knew Sean probably didn't want to talk about his mother any more than he already had, but she needed him to know, "The archives were really great. Thank you for taking me down there. I loved learning more about photography." And about you.
"Given what you've done your entire life, I can't imagine there's much you don't already know about the subject."
"The pictures people took of me were meant to sell things," she explained. "But what you showed me today--that was magic." She now realized she'd never truly appreciated the magic of photography, not until today, when she didn't have to be or do or act like anything for the pictures. All Sean had wanted her to do was appreciate their beauty.
She could tell from the way he was looking at her that he wanted to ask something more about her comment, but they were already at her professor's door. She knocked, but there was no answer.
"Maybe he forgot about our meeting." Honestly, though it was an amazing opportunity to get to work with Professor Fairworth, she was more relieved than anything. Perhaps he'd changed his mind about working with her and had chosen one of the upperclassmen instead?
"Serena." Her relief was short-lived as she turned to see the professor walking toward them. "My last class ran long. I apologize for keeping you waiting."
She was surprised when Sean stiffened beside her as the other man approached. "Professor Fairworth, this is my friend Sean Morrison."
"Yes," the older man said as they shook hands, "the brilliant first baseman. And your hitting has been off the charts, too. I thought last year might have been your last playing for us."
Everything he said was complimentary, yet Serena couldn't help but feel that he didn't particularly care to see Sean with her.
"There were a lot of reasons to stay," Sean told him.
Professor Fairworth opened up his office door and when Sean took a look inside the room with the small leather couch and one tiny window, he turned to Serena and said in a low voice, "I'd be happy to stick around until you're done."
Incredibly tempted, she made herself shake her head. "Thanks, but you've got a class to go to, and I don't know how long we're going to be."
While her professor was booting up his computer, Sean leaned even closer and said, "Call me if you need me."
Could he see how much she did? And not just because her professor gave her the creeps?
With obvious reluctance, he put her bag down on the couch. She hadn't been able to give in to kissing him outside the library, but now she had to press a kiss to his cheek in a silent thank you.
As soon as the door closed behind Sean, her professor said, "Your boyfriend is very protective of you, isn't he?"
"He--" She stopped herself a beat before she could deny that she and Sean were dating. Because if her professor was actually having creepy thoughts about her, might it help for him to think she was already taken? Besides, the whole world already thought she and Sean were an item based on the tabloid story. "He's great."
An expression she couldn't quite read flashed across her professor's face. But then, amazingly, for the next hour that they reviewed the proposed class notes he'd sent her, he remained perfectly professional. So much so that she found herself wondering if she had, in fact, manufactured his predatory interest in her in her head simply because her mother had trained her to look for the bad in every man.
Or...could it be that seeing her with Sean had deterred Professor Fairworth from trying something?
Either way, despite the tabloid pictures and knowing her day wouldn't end until she'd dealt with her mother, Sean had turned what might have been a really terrible day into one that was at least a thousand times better just for getting to see him smile and hold her hand.
*
Serena got to the dining hall right before they closed for the night. She'd been so busy with her two back-to-back late afternoon classes that she'd forgotten about the tabloid story, but when the guy at the cash register looked at her a little funny as he scanned her meal card--as if he now knew precisely how easy she was since she was spreading it for a horny baseball player--it came crashing back to her.
Where other freshmen could have a crush that only their close friends knew about, her crush on Sean was a wide-open target for the whole world to gossip about. But as she carried her tray over to one of the dining tables, she knew it was a battle she needed to stop trying to fight because she would never, ever win it. All she'd do was keep frustrating herself.
"Who cares what everybody thinks?"
Sean's voice echoed in her head as she began to cut the rubbery piece of chicken on her plate. And he was right--coming to Stanford had been a step in the right direction, but she needed to stop worrying and truly start living her life and following her dreams.
At the same time, after all the years she'd spent trying to be perfect for agents and photographers and fashion designers and her mother, she wasn't foolish enough to think that she could just shake off the weight of everyone's expectations in one night. Change--real change--took time. Maybe, she thought for the first time, she needed to give herself some room, some space, a little leeway, to make those changes. Not all at once, perhaps, but as she felt ready to tackle them one at a time.
By the time she got back to her room, Abi was sitting with her feet up on her desk, slicking on a layer of bright blue nail polish. "Hey, I'm glad you're back earlier than usual! Guess you didn't get my text about grabbing dinner together tonight?"
Serena shook her head. "Sorry, my phone is buried somewhere at the bottom of my bag and I didn't hear it going off." She'd left it there on purpose because she wasn't yet ready to deal with listening to her mother's message. Or messages, as the case probably was all these hours later. "Is something wrong?"
Abi put down the nail polish and turned to face Serena with a clearly concerned look on her face. "I was kind of worried about you."
"You were?"
"I know we haven't gotten to know each other that well yet--" Abi looked a little uncertain. "--but when I saw those pictures of you and your walking orgasm of a boyfriend online today, I realized I should have thought more about how hard it must be for you to deal with that kind of stuff all the time. It's just that I've never known anyone famous like you before. I guess I've kind of been afraid to say the wrong thing."
Serena was floored by what Abi had just said. Plus, she knew she was doing a terrible job of trying to hide her flushed cheeks at her roommate's "walking orgasm" comment. Especially when the vision of Sean kissing her came so suddenly--and so clearly--that she didn't have a prayer of containing her reaction to it.
"Sean and I, we're just friends," she tried to clarified.
But Abi reminded her, "I saw you two kissing at the frat party. It was hot. And FYI, I have no problem if he wants to stay the night with you in here."
"Don't worry," she told Abi, "he won't be staying over here." In fact, she was sure her roommate would be shocked if she knew just how far they were from sleeping together, considering she wouldn't even let him kiss her again.
Feeling awkward, she said, "I know it's not the easiest thing in
the world rooming with me. And you haven't said anything even remotely wrong to me."
"But I might have thought it...because I kind of hated you at first for being so much prettier than me," Abi admitted.
"I'm not prettier than you," Serena said earnestly. She'd never be the all-American beauty that her roommate was. "And you're so much fun. Everybody likes you."
Abi smiled at her, obviously thrilled by the compliments. But then she asked again, "Are you okay? You know, about that story that came out today?"
Serena had risked being open with Sean and so far he'd proven to be a really amazing guy. What if Abi turned out to be just as great? Could the two of them become friends? Real friends instead of just roommates who did their best to stay out of each other's way?
Taking a deep breath, Serena admitted, "Showing up in those pictures with Sean...well, it wasn't the best thing that ever happened."
"Why, was he mad that you guys had been outed?"
"No." He'd only been worried about her, and how she'd react to the story and pictures. He hadn't, she now realized, seemed to give one thought to how the article would impact him. "I think it's more that if Sean and I were starting something, we would both want it to be just between us."
But Abi was shaking her head. "I know it's on a larger scale because you're famous, but even if you weren't, it would still be a really big deal if people thought you were dating him. Sean Morrison is pretty much the hottest thing at Stanford, so people would still be talking, probably as much as they are now."
Serena hadn't thought about it that way. And, surprisingly, it made her feel better rather than worse about everything. "Thanks, that helps actually."
"No problem. And, hey, anytime you want to talk or hang out, even if you seem way too into your classes," Abi said with a grin, "I'm around. Who knows, maybe I should even tag along with you to the library so my parents don't end up killing me over my grades."
"I'd love that," Serena said, meaning it wholeheartedly.
But though Serena really wanted to end the day on this high note, she still had one more thing to deal with. The hardest thing of all...
CHAPTER NINE
Serena knew her mother's routine down to the tiniest detail. By eight p.m., if they weren't at an industry event, Genevieve would have poured herself a glass of wine. By eight thirty, the bottle would be half empty and she'd take the rest of it with her to the bathtub, where she'd relax and finish her final glasses. By nine fifteen she'd be beneath the covers snoring with her eye mask on and her earplugs in. Serena was always supposed to be asleep by nine, too, so that she didn't wake up for early calls with dark circles under her eyes. But once she got old enough to realize that her mother never stirred once she passed out from the combination of alcohol and hot bath, she'd only pretend to go to sleep before staying up reading under the covers. Or, as the case had been this past fall, filling out college applications.
Grabbing her phone, she left her room and headed down the hall to find a private spot outside in the middle of the deserted parking lot to listen to her mother's message and then finally call her back.
But when she finally looked at the screen, she was surprised to see a text from Sean. She smiled as she ran her fingertip over the screen, wishing she could actually touch him by doing so.
HOW'D YOUR MEETING GO?
She knew he'd been worried about her when he'd left her with Professor Fairworth, probably because she'd clearly been freaked out about being alone with him in his small office. Thankfully, it looked like it had been another situation she'd read wrong.
GOOD
She paused, tried to think of something fun or flirty she could add.
HOW WERE YOUR CLASSES?
She groaned the second she sent her text. Seriously, she didn't have the first clue how to flirt. Abi probably could blow a guy's mind in five words, no problem. Maybe she should ask her roommate for lessons?
LONG ENOUGH FOR ME TO PLAN OUR FIRST OFFICIAL "NORMAL" OUTING
Their first official normal outing? Did that mean he wanted there to be others?
Suddenly, she remembered what Abi had said about Sean being the hottest guy in school, the one everyone wanted. Why, she had to ask herself again, would he want to be with a girl who was awkward and studious, not to mention a total pain in the butt to hang out with when cameramen tended to follow her every move?
But before she could text back to let him off the hook, he wrote:
NOT GOING TO TELL YOU WHAT WE'RE DOING, BUT DON'T THINK I'M LETTING YOU OUT OF IT
Her smile was so big it almost hurt her cheeks as she texted him back.
VERY MYSTERIOUS
And sweet, too. If the rest of the girls on campus knew that Sean Morrison wasn't just gorgeous, but nice, as well, they'd never leave him alone. Jealousy rose swift and hot at the thought of anyone else with him, even though he wasn't hers.
Not yet, anyway. Because she kept pushing him away.
But what if she stopped doing that?
What if she pulled him closer, instead?
FRIDAY NIGHT AROUND 5?
After she quickly texted back to let him know that time would work, he sent one more.
I'LL PICK YOU UP AT THE LIBRARY
Her laughter rang through the parking lot at how well he knew her already, that she was likely one of the only students on campus who would choose studying in the library over hanging out and listening to a band play outside on a sunny Friday afternoon.
And just as he'd made her forget her nerves about going into her meeting with her professor, she now felt much less tense when she finally pressed the play button on her mother's voice mail. After all, everything else that had been worrying her today had ended up going so much better than she expected. Maybe her mother's phone call would, too. In fact, maybe Genevieve had finally realized during the past three weeks in which she hadn't responded to any of Serena's phone calls or emails that she wasn't trying to hurt her or rebel. She was just trying to live her own dreams.
Of course, as soon as she heard her mother's voice, she realized just how stupidly hopeful she'd been. Because Genevieve Britten was very upset with Serena. Very, very, very upset.
"How could you?"
Her entire message was those three little words. But she'd managed to convey every last nuance of how she felt with them.
With a shaking hand, Serena dialed her mother's number, and it wasn't until voice mail picked up that she was able to unclench her teeth and take in a full breath.
"Hi, it's me. Sorry I didn't call you back earlier, but I was in the library and then in a meeting with a professor and classes until now."
She tried to make her voice sound relaxed, but not like she was actually having fun at college. Especially not having fun with a boy in his bed, since she knew from her mother's message that was where Genevieve's brain had immediately gone. Likely it had been a two-bottle night.
"I was just as surprised as you were to see those paparazzi pictures, but I swear it's not what it looked like. I promise you that he's just a friend and we were just grabbing a bite to eat."
She didn't bother trying to deny the fact that she and Sean had been eating pizza and drinking Coke, not when her mother had surely already cataloged every sin in the pictures, including the dumpy clothes and baseball cap Serena had been wearing.
Hoping that short and sweet was better just in case she accidentally said too much, or ended up sounding too guilty, she closed with, "Everything's fine here and I'll keep sending you emails about my classes and what I'm learning."
Serena wrote Genevieve a long email every week about her classes, and even though her mother hadn't responded to any of them, she hoped she was at least starting to realize that Serena was serious about staying in school. And that she loved what she was learning.
Hope was a funny thing. Because even after she'd spent nineteen years with her mother acting in one specific way--namely, putting Serena's career before absolutely everything else, including the true happiness o
f either of them--she still kept wishing things could be different.
And that maybe one day, if she could just find the right way to frame things, her mother might actually see the real her.
CHAPTER TEN
Sean kept looking at his phone, the first time he'd ever waited for a girl to text him back, but Serena was obviously done sending him messages for the night. At least it had ended on the victory of her agreeing to go out with him on Friday. Especially after the crazy day it had been.
Blindsided by seeing his pictures--and partial life story--online. Trying his best to talk Serena off the ledge about it. Forcing himself to leave her alone with a drooling professor that he didn't trust as far as he could throw the guy. Then dealing with his team at practice--and his brothers in his frat house--all wanting to know what was up with him and Serena.
That, at least, had been easy. He'd warned them to watch their mouths because Serena was special.
So special that he'd actually taken her into the archives and talked to her about photography. She'd gotten it, too, not just the brilliant technique in the photos, but the passion behind them.
Just the way, he couldn't stop thinking, she seemed to get him.
There weren't a lot of people outside his family who knew he was into photography. And it sure as hell had never come up with any of the other girls he'd been with.
But ever since this afternoon, he'd found himself looking at things differently, as though through the lens of his camera, studying and framing the world the way he always used to. Before his mom died.
He hadn't purposely blocked the camera lens in his brain, hadn't made a conscious decision to never take another picture. It had happened all on its own. Every day that she'd gotten closer to going, it had been harder and harder for him to take pictures to bring back to her hospital room to show to her. And still, he'd known he wasn't hiding anything from his mom, that she could see just how hard it was for him to find the beauty in everything for her. He'd just kept digging as deep, as far down, as he could up until that final day.