CHAPTER 10
The Monday after Abra got back from New York, Adam called to ask if he could come down and visit, ostensibly to introduce her to a money manager and help her buy a new car. They arranged for a visit in mid-February. Adam came down on a Friday morning so that they could see Harold Meyers, an accountant who was adept at helping people manage money, especially if they had lots of it. Adam and Harold had gone to high school together and Harold went to George Washington University and remained in the DC area.
After making a follow-up appointment with Harold, Abra took Adam sightseeing. Although he had visited DC a few times in the past, mostly for business, he didn’t really know the city. They spent an afternoon at the Spy Museum marveling at the charming low tech devices of the past and high tech modern devices of the present. They wondered at how so many spies had gone undetected for so long. Abra commented, “I’d be a great spy. I’d be better than Robert Hanson and Aldrich Ames. I’m good at hiding things. Look at how I’ve hidden my past. Well maybe I wouldn’t be too good when you think that Beth and Martha knew. Scratch spying as a future career for me.”
At the gift shop, they bought baseball caps that said “Deny everything.” They also got a book on the history of spying and a cd of music to spy by. When they left the museum, they felt like teenagers rather than 30 somethings. They had dinner at an upscale restaurant called Mata Hari’s near the museum. They wore their caps through dinner delighting in the disdainful looks they got from nearby dinners.
During dinner, they fantasized about what they would do if they were spies. Abra painted a picture of herself in a trench coat tightly buckled to show off her voluptuous figure and a shoulder bag swaying back and forth as she swaggered in her 5 inch stiletto heels, while Adam saw himself with a belted trench coat, a hat tilted at a jaunty angle, and a cigarette dangling from his lips as he used his Humphrey Bogart lisp to say, “Of all the gin joints in the world, you had to pick mine.” In their shared daydream, they met in the thick fog at the Brandenburg Gate in Berlin to exchange secrets, hers how to test children with ADHD and his how to hide money in offshore accounts.
They enjoyed the food and most of all the laughter. Every time Adam laughed, Abra did too. There was something about his enjoyment of jokes, fantasies, and food that made Abra giddy, an emotion she had never felt before.
“Adam, it’s like we’re back at Miss Benjamin’s dining room table for a laughter-filled brunch.”
“Abra, I hope Aunt Edith is looking down on us and sharing our laughter.” He looked up and winked at her Edith.
Adam dropped Abra off in front of her apartment and went to a nearby Hampton Inn. The next day they went shopping for a new car for Abra. Adam tried to convince her to get a Lexus or Acura, but she was sticking with a reliable Honda. She did get the LX model so she could have a sun roof, which she was sure she would never use. Abra let Adam do the bargaining at which he was quite adept. She noticed that the car salesman never looked at her even though she was buying the car and she was paying with cash. He either thought that Adam was really the one who was buying the car, or he was a sexist pig, or both.
That night they had a traditional date starting at the movies where they saw “The Bourne Identity.” They were totally wrapped up in the fast-paced action and unaware of the passage of time although they never lost peripheral sight of each other’s movements. Then they went to a popular restaurant/brewery where they waited an hour to be seated. The hour passed quickly as they chatted about their mutual love of jazz, especially pianists like Oscar Peterson and Dave Brubeck, and their lack of mutual love of sports. Adam told Abra that he would convert her to a sports fan if she would accompany him to just one game, especially a Knicks game. She said, “We’ll see.” The only games she had seen in the past were Jackson College baseball and football games and three University of South Carolina football games, which were enough for her.
They shared their views on the present crop of politicians and how they were ruining America and the world. Both detested the country’s leaders, but for different reasons. Adam, for what they were doing to the economy and Abra for the war. As they exited the restaurant, Adam grabbed her hand said, “I’ve had such a wonderful time Abra. I think about you all the time.”
“Please Adam. Not now. Let’s just enjoy each other and our time together.” But she did let him continue holding her hand.
Adam asked Abra to come to New York in two weeks to see the progress on his apartment and to celebrate her birthday. Abra was shocked that he knew when her birthday was. “How do you know my birthday?”
Adam smiled sinisterly, “I have ways of knowing. I know all about you. February 28th. It’s a shame you weren’t born on the 29th. Then you’d only get older every four years. And then you wouldn’t be calling yourself an old lady and me a baby all the time. I’m so glad you’re going to be 35. I love older women. For two months you’ll be four years older than me. Let’s go out and celebrate and you can wear your sexy New Year’s Eve dress. I hate to see $400 go to waste. And I want to celebrate life since we’ve both had such sorrow with Aunt Edith’s death. I think she’d like us to do that.”
Two weeks later, at 5:00 AM on a Saturday, Abra left her apartment and drove to New York in her new Honda. She loved driving it. Her body molded to the leather seat and the controls seemed to be made for her hands. She even pulled back the cover on the sun roof to bathe the car in sunlight. Adam was paying for a room for her at the Carlyle. She had objected to his paying, but he said that if she were paying she’d only spring for a flophouse in the Bowery. She didn’t ask him how much it cost. She knew it was probably close to her food budget for three months. She drove up to the entrance and had the valet park the car. This was the first time she had trusted someone to drive her new car. She wanted to tell him to drive it carefully, but she knew he thought it was a clunker compared to the Porsches and Mercedes he usually parked.
Abra called Adam as soon as she got to the room. “I’m here.”
“I’ll be there in 15 minutes.”
“Sure, superman, watch the tops of buildings as you fly here.”
She explored the room which was tasteful, but small. It was smaller than her bedroom at home. In 15 minutes there was a knock at her door. She opened it to see Adam beaming. “How did you get here so fast? It’s impossible to drive from your apartment to the hotel so fast.”
Adam laughed as he said, “I took a cab and told the driver he’d get an extra ten bucks if he got me here in 10 minutes. And he did it in 8 minutes. It is Saturday morning so there’s not much traffic. Are you ready to see my beautiful place?”
Abra grabbed her coat and they went downstairs. The doorman hailed a cab and they got to Riverside Drive in 12 minutes, another record. Murray opened the cab door and warmly greeted them. It seemed strange going into the building with Adam. She had always gone in alone or with Edith. Adam was bursting with anticipation as they rode the elevator to the 11th floor. He eagerly unlocked the door and said “Voila. Here it is. My palace, mademoiselle.”
It was a mess. Sawdust coated everything. The newly-laid white marble entryway floor was covered with grout that had not yet been scraped off. The living room still smelling of fresh paint, had soft taupe walls complementing the honey tinted wood floor.
Although the kitchen was partly finished, the newly-installed black granite tops and stainless steel appliances shone brightly. Abra could see the apartment shaping up into something she would see in Home and Garden. Adam saved the library for last. He opened the door. It was unchanged. It looked just as it had when Abra first came here 21 years ago. “You asked me not to change it and I didn’t. I want you to use it whenever you’re here.”
After showing her every item in the apartment, he announced that he was going to make lunch. “You can’t cook. Anyhow the kitchen’s not finished.”
“That’s true, I can’t cook and for what I’m making, I only need a refrigerator. But I spent a fortune on this kitchen and I’m g
oing to use it. I got lunch meat and bread and salads from Zabar’s. And of course, I got your Dr. Brown’s diet soda. Here are my designer paper plates and here’s our gourmet lunch.”
“Adam, that’s not cooking. That’s assembling food and opening plastic containers.”
“Abra, for me that’s cooking.” They laughed as they enjoyed corned beef sandwiches on rye.
When they finished their sandwiches, Adam went to the refrigerator and with fanfare removed a chocolate cake with “Happy Birthday Abra” scripted on top in pink frosting. Nestled in pink frosted roses was a Cinderella princess doll. A perfect cake for a six year old girl, which was what Abra felt like at that moment. Adam took some birthday candles from a drawer and lit them. He put 7 candles on the cake, one for each decade and then the five more.
He said, “If I put 35 candles on this, my gorgeous new apartment would burn down. Then he sang “Happy Birthday Abra” in a loud laughing voice.
“This probably won’t surprise you, but I didn’t have a birthday cake for the first 18 years of my life. I never had a party. Rachel and Noah didn’t have birthdays either. No one celebrated in that unhappy place. I usually got a card from my grandparents. My first birthday cake was for my 19th birthday. Wonderful Beth never forgot my birthday our four years at Jackson. She made funny theme parties and invited everyone on the floor. You can’t imagine what this cake means to me.” She stared at the cake as if mesmerized by the flickering light, and when she blew the candles out, there were tears mingled with her breath.
“Did you make a wish?”
“Of course, but I can’t tell you.” She couldn’t tell him that she wished that she would always be as happy as she was at that moment.
They lightly kissed on the lips and Adam cut two huge pieces of cake which they washed down with Dr. Brown soda.
In a tour director voice, Adam said, “Ok. This is the schedule for the rest of the day. There’s an Edward Hopper exhibit at MOMA that we can catch. Then I’ll take you back to the hotel so you can slither into your slinky black dress. I can’t wait to see it, all four ounces of it. Then dinner at Gramercy Tavern followed by Barbara Cook at the Carlyle. How does that sound?”
“Perfect. You have thought of everything I like.”
They took a cab to MOMA and toured the exhibit. Ironically, these two happy people loved the moroseness of Edward Hopper. They commented that his deserted city scenes looked like New York after being destroyed by a bomb that only killed people.
Adam dropped Abra back at the Carlyle to change. She showered and put on THE dress. She stared at herself in the full length mirror. She looked sexy and glamorous. She had never looked like this before. When Adam knocked at the door, she was embarrassed. She wanted him to tell her that she looked gorgeous. When he looked at her, his eyes told her what she wanted to hear. “I can’t believe you’re the Abra who always wears pant suits or jeans. You look stunning. Everyone is going to look at us and ask how did that zhlob get such a looker. He must be one of the baby billionaires. But before we go, I have a little birthday present for you.”
He presented Abra with a gift box in Tiffany wrapping. She said, “Adam, this is ridiculous. You should never have gotten me a present. The cake was more than enough.”
She opened the box and with disbelief took out a necklace with a single diamond which must have been two carats. “I can’t take this. It’s worth a fortune.”
“Do you like it?”
“I love it. I’ve never had anything like it.”
“Then accept it graciously and wear it. Just say thank you.”
“Thank you. Thank you. Thank you forever.”
He stood behind Abra and locked the clasp around her neck. The low cut neckline of the dress perfectly framed the necklace. She looked at herself in the mirror. This wasn’t the Abra she knew. She felt like Cinderella going to the ball. She looked at Adam standing next to her. With her three inch heels, they were exactly the same height. Adam exuded wealth. He was smartly dressed. She didn’t know much about men’s clothes, but he was wearing an impeccably tailored suit made of soft wool. His starched shirt was a blinding white. He looked like a successful lawyer which what he was. They both smiled with satisfaction at their reflections in the mirror. Then she laced her arm through his and said, “American Gothic. Or for us, Jewish American Gothic.”
“I look like a fatter version of the bald guy with the pitchfork.”
They dined at the Gramercy Tavern, and agreed that the rave reviews by food critics were merited. Then they took a cab back to the Carlyle for the late show. Barbara Cook, as usual, was the ultimate cabaret singer. Her music was like foreplay as couples in the audience held hands or nestled closer to each other. Abra had two glasses of wine and was a bit tipsy following the two glasses she had with dinner. Adam was sitting slightly behind her and she knew he was staring at her throughout the show. Once when she took a sip of wine, she looked at him. He looked so intense and serious, unlike his usual jovial self. His eyes were boring through her. She quickly looked away.
She knew decision time was approaching. Adam would take her up to her room and want to stay. She didn’t really know how she felt about it. She knew that she didn’t want to ruin her friendship with him by adding a sexual component. She didn’t understand herself at that moment because she was sexually aroused, maybe from the music, the wine, the cake, the necklace, and the sophisticated couple she had seen in the mirror. On the elevator ride up to her room they didn’t look at each other, acting like teenagers on their first date. When Abra tried to unlock the door, she found that her hands were shaking. She kept getting a red light. Finally, Adam took the card and turned it around and got the green light. “I suppose we have a green light to go in. That is if you want me to come in?” His eyes were searching hers eagerly imploring her to say yes.
“Yes, Adam. I do.” She knew she wanted this as much as Adam. She wanted sex to end her evening of glamour. She wasn’t sure she wanted sex with Adam because she knew it was opening the door to a relationship she didn’t think she wanted. She wanted him to be her friend, not her lover, but it was too late.
They silently kissed. Adam was hard immediately. He was like a 12 year old boy ready and eager for his first lay. Abra joked, “I hate to take off this gorgeous dress. I feel so sexy in it. “
“I think you’ll be sexier without it.”
“I’m not going to take my necklace off. I want to wear it with my birthday suit. Do you have a condom? I’m not on the pill.” Even in a moment of heated passion, Abra reverted to her practical self. Adam removed three condoms from his wallet. Obviously, he had big plans for the evening.
She took off her dress and stood before him in her black lace underwear purchased to accompany the dress. They sat on the edge of the bed as Adam tore his clothes off. He kissed every part of her body in an attempt to catch her up to him. She closed her eyes and took off with him. He stopped to put on a condom and as soon as he entered her, he came. “Abra, I’m sorry. I’ve waited so long for this.”
He tenderly explored her body. She was ready and then they came together.
“Abra, thank you. Thank you.”
“Adam, I wasn’t doing you a favor. I wanted this as much as you. To tell you the truth, it’s been a long time since I’ve had sex so I suppose I’m horny.”
“Abra, I don’t know where we’re going from here. I don’t want to talk about our future until you’re ready.”
“I don’t know what to make of this. I don’t know if I’m dazzled by the glamour of your life and this glorious evening. Let’s just keep enjoying the rest of the weekend.”
Adam fell asleep immediately. Abra stared at him. Although he was bald, he had a little boy look about him. He had a slight smile on his face as if he were a child dreaming of his new toys. Even in his sleep he was happy. She smiled too as she thought about the wonderful evening and the passionately sweet sex, something she had never experienced before. She gently kissed his l
ips and fell asleep. In the morning, she awoke with Adam staring at her.
“Thanks for letting me stay.”
“I didn’t even know you’d stayed. I fell asleep as if I was drugged. I’m sure all that wine had something to do with it. I have such a low tolerance for alcohol. I’m a cheap drunk. Maybe all that physical exercise made me conk out.”
He rose and dressed. “I’m going home to shower and change. I’ll be back as soon as possible and we’ll have brunch and then I suppose you’ll be ready to go back.” He said this with the sadness of a child when the circus is over.
He returned at 11:00 and they had brunch in the hotel restaurant. They talked about everything except their lovemaking. They were a bit standoffish, not knowing how to proceed.
The weather had turned cold and rainy so they said goodbye in the lobby. He kissed her tenderly and said, “Call me tonight when you get home so I know that you made it safely.”
Abra replied, “You know I have driven four hours before without having anyone check on me.” They both laughed at his protectiveness. But maybe that’s what Abra wanted. Someone to worry about her.
She drove home in what seemed like a flash. She relived every minute of the weekend. She knew she had one of the best nights of her life, but was surprised at herself for liking Adam’s life style. She thought she wasn’t the type of person to be impressed by money and luxury. Maybe, it wasn’t the life style, maybe it was the protection that Adam was offering. She thought of herself as independent, not needing protection. Maybe she was wrong. Or maybe it was Adam. He had the happiness and goodness genes of the Benjamin family. He exuded warmth and love. She felt happy just to be with him. She never thought of herself as a happy person. She thought she was contented with her life, but now she felt a joyousness that she had never before experienced.
When she got home, she called Adam to let him know that she had arrived safely. They agreed that he would come to visit Abra the next weekend. He was going to help her shop for a condo. This would be her first home purchase. Before she got off the phone, Abra said, “I’ve decided that I’m going to make an appointment with my gynecologist tomorrow so I can get a prescription for the pill. That is unless you want to continue using those yucky rubber things.”
Adam said, “I’ll donate my supply to a teen sex clinic”
After she got off the phone, she emailed Beth to tell her what had happened and told her to call when she got a chance. At 9:00 Beth called. “We just got the kids down. I couldn’t wait to talk to you. I can’t tell you how surprised I am about what happened. You never mentioned Adam in any way other than he’s a smart nerdy guy who was part of Miss B’s family. I’m absolutely shocked.”
“So am I. Do you think I’m getting involved with him because he’s rich and he’s showering me with things I’ve never had before?”
“Maybe, but I do think you’re getting involved with him because you want a substitute for Miss B. I think you want someone to be there for you like Miss B. was, and there’s nothing wrong with that.”
“I always pictured going through life as an attractive Edith Benjamin, never marrying. Now I don’t know. I have to make sure that Adam knows I don’t want children. I can’t risk having children.”
“Do you think he loves you?”
“Yes, I think he adores me. I’ve never had anyone look at me the way he does. I think he’s loved me since we first met when he was 11.”
“Do you think you could love him?”
“I don’t know. If you had asked me that before this weekend, I would have said definitely no. He is so good-hearted. He makes me feel deliriously happy. I never felt that before. And the sex was good. Perhaps I could love him in the future. Or, I’m just rationalizing. I don’t know.”
“Abra, give him a chance. I think he would be so good for you. He would give you a wonderful life.”
“I really hate the idea of leading him on if I don’t love him. I would hate to hurt him. He’s such a good person. I hadn’t thought that I could marry someone I don’t love or for that matter marry at all. But maybe I need protection more than I need love. Maybe I’m not Miss Steel Independence. We’ll see. We’ll see.”
Adam planned to visit her the next weekend. When he called her on Thursday, he told her he wouldn’t be making a hotel reservation. She told him that he would have to sleep on her sofa. But he didn’t, he shared her bed every minute they were in the apartment. As soon as Adam entered the apartment, he kissed Abra and said, “Where’s the bedroom?” She pulled him into the bedroom and they partially undressed so that they could make love. When they were finished, they both laughed in appreciation of their passion. Adam said, “That was fast and furious.”
Abra took Adam on a tour of her apartment imitating him as he had led her on a tour of his newly renovated apartment. “Here we have the kitchen. Please note the white electric oven with the microwave above. And here is the formica topped counter that leads to the eating area. The kitchen set is the latest model from IKEA. The window looks out on the parking lot so you can see the hundreds of cars parked there. Oh look at that black Mercedes convertible. How did it get there with the Hondas and the Toyotas and Ford pick-up trucks?”
They laughed and Adam said, “Let’s get something to eat and come back and resume our real business.”
“You’re only interested in my body. You don’t care about my mind.”
“You’re right. Let’s go to the supermarket and stock up on food for the weekend so I can get to know your mind better.”
When they got back to Abra’s apartment, Adam said, “I forgot something. I brought you a little gift.” He gave her a beautifully wrapped package that was obviously a cd. She asked why? It wasn’t her birthday again. Like a child, he answered, “Just because.” She tore off the wrapping to find a Barbara Cook cd.
She said, “You want me to remember the Carlyle. How can I forget it? Cook’s great for getting in the mood for making love. Let me play it.” They never heard the music. They were too immersed in each other. By the time they got around to unpacking the groceries, the cold foods were warm.
After supper they got into bed and talked until 2 AM sharing their lives and their secrets. Adam said, “O.K. First secret. Abra, you were responsible for me masturbating as a kid.”
She screamed, “What? How?”
“I fell in love with you when I was 11. All I had to do was think of you and I’d get an erection. I’d close my eyes and picture you, especially your breasts. I watched those breasts grow every time I would see you and all I could think of was touching them. Most teenagers fantasize about movie stars or pop stars when they jerk off. For me, it was Abra Ginberg.
My parents knew that I had a crush on you because I was always asking when we could go to Aunt Edith’s for a Sunday brunch. Then I would casually ask if you were going to be there. If they said no, I’d think of an excuse not to go. I also think my mom knew about my bedtime activities although I tried to clean them up, but I’m sure she didn’t know you were the object of my affection.”
“What a normal boy you were. I always thought you only cared about studying and getting straight A’s. Now I learn that you had other things on your mind. Well, only one other thing. You weren’t this little genius. Well, you were a sexed-crazed little genius. I knew you had a crush on me, but I thought it was a harmless boyhood crush, not fantasies of ravaging me.”
The next day it rained so they decided not to look at condos. They only got out of bed to go to the bathroom and to eat breakfast at 10 and lunch at 3. Abra had never spent a full day in bed with a man before. In fact, she had never spent a full day in bed alone even when she had the flu. She and Adam got to know each other physically in an intimate way that she had never experienced before. She had had sex with a total of four men in her life, but had never really explored a man’s body. She openly shared every inch of her body with him. But she also openly shared her past. “Adam, I’ve never told anyone all the horror
s of growing up in the Ginzberg house, not even your aunt. I want you to know all about me.” She told him the story of taking her mother to Dr. Weisberg and her urine soaked hands. She never thought she would share this with anyone, especially a man, but here she was detailing the traumatic event to Adam as if he were her priest at confession.
Other memories that she had suppressed came bubbling up. She had forgotten how she had to take care of Rachel when she menstruated. She changed her pads because Rachel couldn’t get it right. Both she and Rachel bled heavily, but Abra was able to contain her bleeding with tampons and pads. She couldn’t use tampons with Rachel so she had to constantly change her pads. After two years of changing Rachel’s pads, Rachel finally learned how to care for herself. Two years of blood soaked hands and constant washing until her skin chaffed. Suddenly it occurred to her that Miriam never menstruated. She must have had her tubes tied when she had Noah. It had taken Abra all this time to realize this. No wonder there were no more retarded Ginzberg kids.
She tried to think of where she learned about menstruation and sex. Miriam never said a word about these taboo subjects. Abra must have gathered most of her knowledge from her fifth grade sex education class. She picked up the seamier side from TV and books. Not from movies, she never went to the movies.
Her memories of Noah were not as vivid as those of Rachel although she did as much caring for him. She had to wipe his bottom when he had bowel movements. He couldn’t seem to get himself clean. His underwear was always clotted with poop unless Abra wiped him. It’s one thing to wipe a two year old’s bottom, it’s another to wipe a ten year old’s bottom. But, he, too, finally learned to clean himself.
Abra shared these horrendous experiences with Adam. She held nothing back. As she described them she pictured Rachel and Noah. She learned back against the backboard of the bed and stared straight ahead and pictured herself doing these things. So many memories were located in that tiny bathroom with Rachel or Noah on the toilet seat and Abra sitting on the edge of the tub doing what she had to do. How she hated that bathtub. There were always pubic hairs around the drain. She would sop each one up with toilet paper before she had a shower. The only place she hated more was the laundry room in the basement of the building. Jacob did the laundry but as his back deteriorated, she was forced to carry the laundry basket filled to the brim up and down the steps. They would load two or three machines and come back after the washes were finished to transfer them to dryers. As she got older, Jacob made her do this alone. She was petrified of the dark, damp, dirty basement. As soon as she set the laundry basket down, she would peek behind the boxes and anything tall enough to conceal a murderer/rapist. She held the sharp knife she always took to the basement in front of her ready to lunge at any lurker. She knew she would not hesitate to stab anyone who tried to attack her on her dreaded travels to the bowels of the building.
“Believe it or not, there were also some tender times, but only with the kids, never with my parents. I read books about animal sounds that Rachel loved. We were always quacking and mooing at each other. They also helped me study, not that they were aware of it. I’d memorize my Spanish vocabulary and I’d say a word in English and then in Spanish, and then I’d have them repeat the words. It was funny what they produced. I’d say ‘pencil, el lapiz,’ and they would say ‘pencil lapi,’ or I’d say ‘desk, el escritorio,’ and they’d say ‘deskrio.’ Ya’know I dwell on the horrible memories, but there’s one I don’t like to think of because it was beautiful and when I think of it my heart aches. We had an evening ritual that we never missed. We’d get into their bed. They slept together. I would put one arm around Rachel and the other around Noah and the three of us would rock back and forth as I sang “Twinkle, twinkle little star. How I wonder what you are. Up above the world so high. Like a diamond in the sky.” They wouldn’t go to sleep without me singing this to them at least ten times. I sang it the night before I left. They never heard it again and I’m sure they never slept soundly again.”
She was outside her body viewing these memories like a TV show. Adam stared at her as if he were watching a war movie – disbelief at the horror of it all. He wanted to hold her and comfort her, but he saw that she was in another time and place and didn’t want to come back.
And then their talk moved on to the good things in their lives. Adam told her about his years at Yale and Columbia and how he was happiest when he was learning. Abra described her late night communion with her books and how she was happiest when she studied. She told him that she even studied on Saturday nights and had to be forced to go out with Beth and their friends. Doing well in school was important to both of them, but especially to Abra because it proved that she wasn’t a Ginzberg.
Then it was time for Adam to confess. “Abra, I’ve had everything I’ve ever wanted up to now, a great job, tickets to my sports events, and lots of good friends. But now I want something I don’t know if I can have. You know it’s you.
When I first met you 20 years ago, I fell in love with you, but it was your looks. I thought you were the most beautiful girl in the world. You were tall and well-built, unlike my short, pudgy family. You had this long face, unlike our fat Benjamin face. I fell in love with your unJewish turned-up nose and black eyes and black hair and smooth skin. To 11 year old Adam you were perfection. You still are. As I got to know you, I fell in love with your outgoing personality. But most of all I was captivated by your aura of mystery. No one talked to me about your family. I knew it was a taboo subject, but gradually I learned the facts about your life. And I loved you for overcoming what you were born into.
Abra, I fell in love with you when I was 11, but I loved you as a kid. Now, I’ve fallen in love with you again, but as an adult. I know you don’t want to hear any of this, but I can’t keep it in. I’ve never loved anyone else. I always knew I would marry in the future, but I never dared to dream that I might marry you. Now I’m allowing myself to dream.”
Abra was overwhelmed by his feelings for her. This was a man who knew everything about her and loved her for who she was. She never dreamed that someone would love her so completely.
“Adam, I thought I knew what I wanted out of life. I thought I wanted to have a life like Aunt Edith’s. I didn’t need anyone. Now I don’t know what I want. You’ve overwhelmed me. I can’t believe I’ve told you all about my life growing up. I never did that before. So much has changed in the last few weeks. All my dreams are morphing into dreams of you. Adam, is it because I need to be protected that I want you?”
“What’s wrong with that?”
“It’s not really me or who I think I am. Who am I? I’m the Ginzberg who lucked out and got two recessive genes for intelligence and niceness. But I have a gene pool filled with dirty genes, genes for retardation and meanness. Adam I could never have children. I couldn’t perpetuate those genes. You’re so lucky to have clean genes for intelligence and niceness. I could never pollute the Benjamin gene pool.”
“Abra, let’s not talk about that now. Let’s talk about us and our future as two people and not creators of embryos.”
“I don’t want you to think that everything is genes. It’s also the world you create. I see the world that Beth and Tom have created for Clay and Zack. It’s a world of smiles. You were brought up in a world of smiles. I think I could create a world of smiles, but I don’t know. I would be so petrified of being like Miriam and creating a real Ginzberg.”
“Abra, you can’t be a real Ginzberg.. You’ve created Abra Berg and that is who you are.” He really wanted to say, “And someday you’ll be Abra Benjamin,” but he didn’t. Not yet.
They ordered Chinese for Saturday supper and had cheerios and oranges for Sunday breakfast. At about 1:00, Abra said, “I suppose we need to shower and dress. Adam, I have never spent a whole weekend in bed with a man. Have you?”
“Never with a man. No seriously, I haven’t either. I think I can get used to this. It saves on clothes and cleaning bills.”
br /> “I’m going to shower.”
“Can I join you?”
“That’s another first for me. A coed shower. I’m becoming a wild woman.”
They both dreaded Adam’s 5:00 Sunday departure. “Adam, it’s still raining. Be sure you call me when you get back.” They both laughed at her turning the tables on him. Four hours later, the phone rang. “I’m safe.” They laughed and agreed to talk the next day. Abra heard the words, “I’m safe,” and thought they applied to her when she was with Adam. She was safe with Adam.
Monday morning started with the usual intense work schedule so Abra had little time to think about Adam. But whenever she had a free moment, Adam’s face would appear before her. And he would be smiling with his happiness and goodness shining through. She wore her diamond necklace under her sweater. She didn’t want anyone to see it. Whenever she thought of him, she touched it. When she got home Monday night, her message light was blinking. It was Adam saying that she should call him as soon as she got in. She called him and he said, “I missed you all day. It was hard for me to concentrate. I kept thinking of you naked and open to me. I was afraid I would get hard just sitting at my desk. My secretary Cindy would love to tell everyone in the office about her boss, the pervert.”
“Adam, I missed you too. I was so busy, but when I wasn’t actually engaged with kids, I pictured your face.”
“Oh great. My ugly face. Just what I want to hear.”
“No, your good face.”
On Tuesday, she went to Anne’s office to see Wendy. She was surprised to see Mrs. Taylor there since Consuela usually drove Wendy to her appointments. Mrs. Taylor told Abra that she wanted to talk to her privately before Wendy’s session. So Wendy watched a video in the outer office. As soon as Abra closed the door, Mrs. Taylor said, “We’re placing Wendy in a residential school for kids with special needs in Pennsylvania. We can’t handle her at home anymore. She’s driving us crazy. She’s ruining Scot’s life. He can’t bring any friends over because they think he has a loony sister. The last time he had friends over Wendy was in the family room playing with paper dolls. I let her do that in her room, but only there. The boys made fun of her. Scott was so embarrassed.
And we can’t do all the things we want to do as a family. We have a week planned at an all-inclusive resort in Jamaica and I really don’t know what we’re going to do with Wendy. She doesn’t like going to the beach or sitting by the pool. If we take her, she’ll sit in the room by herself and watch TV.
We’re really not meeting her needs. She’s getting worse, not better. She never talks and when she does, she doesn’t make sense. She’s failing in school even though it’s a special school. We even tried Prozac and that didn’t work.”
“Wait a second. You gave Wendy Prozac? You never told me that.”
“Well, we knew you’d say she’s not depressed so she didn’t need it. Our doctor wanted to give it a try. He says he thinks drugs may be the only answer. She needs better schooling and more intense therapy and different meds. I think if she’s in a controlled setting like a residential school, they could try new meds and monitor to see what works. I don’t think the soft stuff like counseling and education are really going to help her in the last analysis. I think she needs the right meds to make a difference.
We just can’t have her at home anymore. We haven’t told Wendy because we know she won’t want to go. She’ll think that we’re trying to get rid of her because she doesn’t fit into our family. And let’s face it, it’s true. We need to focus on Scott. We’ve neglected him because of Wendy. He says he hates her and wants her out of the house. Abra, I want you to tell her about this. She really likes you. In fact, I think you’re the only person in the world she likes. If you tell her this, she’ll listen to you. She’ll go without a fight. Maybe you can even drive up there with us.”
Abra was dumbfounded. Mrs. Taylor had never mentioned residential schooling for Wendy before. She certainly didn’t want to be the one to tell Wendy. That would be inappropriate. She knew that only Mr. and Mrs. Taylor could tell Wendy such devastating news. She also hadn’t realized how much they wanted to get rid of Wendy.
“Mrs. Taylor, I’m not going to tell Wendy that you’re sending her away. It is not my job to do this. Furthermore, I don’t think you’re doing the right thing. You’re getting rid of Wendy because she doesn’t fit into your life style. It may be unprofessional for me to say this, but I think that’s cruel. I can’t be party to this. Please let’s talk this over. Why don’t you and your husband see me Saturday morning and we can brainstorm alternatives. I know Wendy needs more intense treatment, but sending her to this school is not the solution. Not now. Not like this. Not just throwing her out. Please let’s meet on Saturday.”
Mrs. Taylor reluctantly agreed that she and her husband would meet with Abra at 10:00. Abra mused to herself, “Here’s an interesting situation. The parents are trying to throw their kid out instead of the kid trying to run away. Quite the opposite of my life.”
The session with Wendy was unusually quiet. Abra suspected that Wendy knew there were significant changes coming in her life, but she didn’t know what they might be. She was too frightened to ask Abra what she had discussed with her mother. They talked about a boy on a sitcom on the Disney Channel that she liked and hoped to marry someday and move to California with him. Abra looked at this 13 year old and saw the 7 year old child within. She did seem to be regressing.
When their session was over, she left a note for Anne who was seeing a client telling her to call her at home. Before she left the building, Anne came out of her office. She said that her client was sick and she had been doing paperwork. Abra told her about the Taylors’ decision to send Wendy away and their use of Prozac without telling her. Anne told Abra that she thought she did the right thing. It would be unethical to support them unless they tried less drastic alternatives and Abra certainly should not be the one to tell Wendy she was being sent away. They had to realize that Wendy was as important as Scott and their social lives, but they both knew this was a realization that they would never accept. Abra ended their conversation by saying, “I think she bought me for Wendy. I was Wendy’s baby sitter and friend. That hurts.”
It was 9:00 o’clock when she got home emotionally drained from a full work day followed by the confrontation with Mrs. Taylor. She went to the kitchen to put a TV dinner in the microwave. Then she called Adam. He was at a basketball game at the Garden. “Oh Adam, I’m sorry I’ll talk to you later.”
“Don’t be silly. I can talk and watch.”
“Adam, I can’t come up to New York this weekend because I have a very important meeting about a client Saturday morning. I think I’ll also have my period. I expect it on Thursday and I’m always very regular. Maybe we can skip this weekend. You know I don’t want to, but I just can’t get away.”
“I understand. We’ll postpone it until the following weekend. But I’ll probably go crazy without seeing you for that long.”
Abra did get her period on Thursday. On Saturday at 10:00 she prepared to meet with the Taylors. At 11:00 it was obvious that they wouldn’t be coming. They had not called because the matter was closed. They were sending Wendy away and they would not be dissuaded by Abra
After 11:00, Abra went to the supermarket, the cleaners, and Target for essentials. She got back to her apartment at about 2:00. Occupying the parking spot closest to her front entrance was a black Mercedes convertible with a New York license tag. Abra was so happy that Adam hadn’t listened to her. She needed to talk to him and have him hold her. She rapped on the driver’s window and said, “Just in time to help me carry the groceries up. By the way, remind me to get you a key.”
As soon as they got in the apartment, they kissed tenderly. “Abra, I couldn’t be away from you even if we can’t have sex and you’re busy. I just need to be with you even to just sleep next to you and look at you.”
“So you do like my mind as much as my body.”
br /> Abra led Adam into the bedroom and unzipped his pants. She pushed him on the bed and tenderly kissed his penis until it was at attention. She had never done this before. She had always thought that it was perverse, but now she thought it was an act of love.
Every time Adam saw Abra, he gave her a gift. One weekend it was a book by Geraldine Brooks, one of her favorite authors. Another weekend it was two dozen yellow roses. She asked “Why do you bring me presents all the time?”
He responded, “Because you give me the best present every time I see you. You give me yourself. That way we’re even.”
This weekend, he brought her a can of Dr. Brown diet cream soda covered with heart decals. Along with the Dr. Brown, he brought her a handwritten poem. “Ok, believe it or not I was browsing in the sports section at Barnes and Noble and I found this book of love poem mistakenly put in the wrong section. So I decided to look through it and I found this poem that fit us. I’m getting really stingy like you. I didn’t buy the book, I just copied the poem onto my blackberry. This shows that I’m really a nerdy doofus.
Anyhow Dante said these words to Beatrice and they fit what’s in my heart. I hope you don’t mind me getting so mushy.”
Abra read the words aloud.
In that book which is
My memory…
On the first page
That is the chapter when
I first met you
Appear the words…
Here begins a new life.
Abra folded the paper and put it in her bra next to her pulsating heart.
“Mr. Doofus, I’ll save this forever.”
CHAPTER 11